I’m on the couch, feeling slightly under the weather, watching sportscenter. Maybe I’ll turn it off. There, I did. Quiet now. Shadow’s asleep on the futon. She hasn’t eaten anything all day. I wish she could pass on in her sleep. Her breathing looks heavier now.

I’ve thought about death this week. I feel guilty that I’m going to live and Shadow’s going to die. I can give lip service to the idea that I want her to feel comfortable, that she’s had a good life, all that, but I still get to eat ice cream and work out after she’s gone, and that doesn’t feel right. A friend of mine said the hardest aspect of an animal’s death is the potential that you can’t communicate in a refined way with an animal. I can’t explain to Shadow how I’m feeling or what’s happening and she can’t tell me what she wants. I don’t know if the natural communication, the routines we’ve developed over the years, the ability to know what each other want through subtle behavioral cues is a farce or valid. I just don’t know. I wonder if I’m attempting to assuage my guilt and deaden the pain with clichés and platitudes. I feel pain, but she’s going to die.

This morning I managed my hangover with coffee and diet coke. The skies were grey, but nothing is open on New Year’s Day anyway, so I was happy to stay home. I ate eggs this morning then cleaned both the refrigerator and freezer. Goddamn, both were dirty. I pulled out all the shelves, cleaned each one, and reorganized all the food. In the process I threw out the bottles and bags lurking in the back. The space looks much better. Afterward I watched more of the Hunter S. Thompson documentary. I’m disappointed, honestly. The filmmakers played up the 60s icon image too much. I don’t give a flying fuck about celebrating or validating the 60s. Fuck the 60s. They also skip of the Las Vegas material, my favorite, and spend way too much time on politics. Oh well. Later I moved some furniture around upstairs (particularly in the Wii room) and decided to work out. I watched the first thirty minutes of “The Savages” while working out but grew depressed with the material so I switched to CNN (still depressing) for the last thirty minutes. After a shower I cooked up some tofu and Indian simmer sauce for dinner, topped it off with two bowls of ice cream (rare but necessary), and hit the couch. My throat feels a little off. Maybe I’ll get to sleep early. Good night.