I’m drinking a Saturday night Heineken. M is about to go out with her friends. The boys are watching some special on horses. I almost had to change the channel because for a moment there I thought they were going to show the horses getting it on. Do you know mares (that’s a female horse, right?) have to wear “breeding boots”? I have no idea why.

Today was another pretty good day. Last night I had a hard time sleeping, not sure why, so I read some David Bowker and crashed on the futon. This morning N woke me near 6:30. I drank coffee, showered, and read on the couch until M, N, and S left for the pool. S checked out NFL highlights on the computer while I read a little more. S was frustrated at basketball because his team sucked for the second week in a row but he managed to survive nonetheless. On the way home we talked about the possibility of having fun without winning but S would have none of it. He said a tie, however, would be acceptable. After lunch I finished The Soul Thief (review up tomorrow, I hope) then went for a run. The temps were over thirty, and the sun bright, so I thought I’d check my speed on pavement versus the treadmill. The verdict: I suck on pavement. Ok, I have a slight excuse in the slick surfaces and persistent snowbanks, but I still sucked. Maybe I need a day off. I ran maybe thirty minutes and walked the hills. Nothing too impressive. At least I wasn’t cold. Later I took a bath, read some Jung and Bowker, then settled in for the night. I’m starting to feel that desire to do something substantial. Maybe I’ll work on poetry. Happy Saturday night. January is almost over. Good night.

Daffodils for all my friends!

New poem!

I Cannot Work Well With My Hands

Graph paper glass
Animates the doors
Between two rooms.

If a pane (fifteen on one door, fifteen on the second, five rows of three)
Shatters I’ll research
How one repairs apertures
And visit the contaminated hardware store
And the unwelcoming clerks
Always suspicious
Of my motives.

Does one press the vitreous square
Into warm adhesive?

Does the glass stay?

I want to know when
I’m finished.

I like my hands when they are
Calm as cedar.

I took today totally off from work. Well, not totally, I answered some email, but close to totally. Man, I had no idea how much I needed a day off until I crashed on the couch this morning and realized I wasn’t…going…to…get…anything…done. So what did I do? Let me start at the beginning. I woke near 3:30, caught up on GR, and answered a few messages. N woke near four-fifty, just as I was leaving for the Y, but I didn’t want to leave him alone or wake M so I did thirty minutes on the home elliptical (thank God it’s fixed) and waited until close to six to leave for basketball. Ross, one of S’s friend’s dads, showed up this morning. He did a good job. After an hour of hoops I lifted and hustled home to see the boys before school. I had planned on heading out to the office but my fatigue left me on the couch for the morning. Man, I was tired. I was wrenched myself off from between the cushions near ten and hit Blockbuster and Costco. Today was cold, in the teens, and I couldn’t wait to get home. After lunch I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona, which I enjoyed immensely, then cleaned the first floor while listening to the movie’s soundtrack and the new Beirut. On a whim I drove downtown to the little flower shop and bought a bunch of daffodils. Tonight I might curl up with a book and get to sleep early. Or maybe I’ll have some coffee and wait for T to get home from a friend’s at ten. This weekend should be warmer. Maybe I’ll hit work Sunday morning. Maybe I’ll write letters and work on poetry. We’ll see.

I’m still calm and happy. I feel pretty good. Stay warm.

Proof that my house is sometimes somewhat clean! Sorry a couple are a bit dark...

I had a lovely day decompressing, listening to the new Beirut and watching Vicky Christina Barcelona. More later.

Dang, I’m tired. Winter is bearing down on everyone in Wisconsin, I guess, and everyday seems equally cold. Rumor has it this weekend will be warmer. We’ll see.

This morning I did an hour on the elliptical (5:30 to 6:30) then drove to work. Preston and I talked for a while before I met with two students about activities planning. Then I taught for three hours, scarfed lunched, and taught for three more hours. No wonder my office is dirty. I stopped briefly at Borders to check out DH Lawrence editions and although they looked good I didn’t buy one. I didn’t want to impulse buy after a long day. Bad habit. A copy should arrive from the inter-library loan system (isn’t it weird that my library doesn’t have one in their own collection?) by Monday. I’ll need a couple days on The Soul Thief, anyway, and I’ve got a couple other books on deck. After Borders I picked T up from tech club. I inhaled pizza and beans/rice for dinner, kicked the boys upstairs, and turned on the television. This weekend will be the first open weekend in memory. I’m looking forward to reading, sleeping, and staying inside. Don’t bother me.

Has the 28th arrived already? N is home from kindergarten today, off so next year’s kindergarteners can visit the building. I think. Anyway, he’s off. This morning I woke a little after five, late for me, and arrived at the Y in time for basketball, where I missed a wide open layup after a steal but otherwise played adequately. After lifting upstairs I returned home and worked out on the repaired elliptical for thirty minutes. M and the two older boys headed out to school while N and I settled in for the day. At first I thought of driving down to Whole Foods but we ended up home most of the morning, watching tv, playing on dual computers, and chatting about this and that. For the first time in a while I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me today (something about a game he was playing on the computer) and I could see how downhearted he gets when he can’t get his point across. I usually understand him and I hope others do as well. No one at school seems especially worried about his speech so I try to defer to their expertise, but how can we not worry about him? He’s such a wonderful kid, and I just want him to have friends and be happy.

The last couple of days have been interesting. There is some MAJOR U-wide drama developing at work. I’m not that close to the drama but when the U is on edge some of the drama can’t help but spill over into our building and our interactions with other entities throughout campus. I’ve received two rude emails from the business side and I’m waiting on a response from another person that will probably be rude as well. Yay. I wonder if the winter and failing economy are also playing a role in sending common courtesy out the window. On the other hand today at Costco offered to take my cart back for me after I packed my car. So yay Wisconsin.

I’m about 100 pages into The Soul Thief. I like the book so far. It helps to know a little about Buffalo.

Tonight I could go to the library and work for a while or I could just read upstairs. Maybe I’ll get out for a while. Tomorrow and Friday will be busy. Oh, I’ve kept the workout streak alive, much to my surprise. I like having the elliptical option at home combined with visits to the Y.

At least the sun is out today. No one promised easy days.

And good morning to you! I’m on my second cup of coffee. All three boys are playing Crusaders on the computer. They only get an hour of computer time this morning then they must go do something non-electronic until noon. Earlier N and I ran to the local donut shop and snagged breakfast. M is still sleeping. I’ll hit the Y in thirty minutes then hopefully avoid leaving the house for the rest of the day.

What did I do yesterday? The day passed without much time for reflection. S and I watched T’s first game before we drove over to S’s game. Ross and I talked while the opponent kicked S’s team’s ass all over the floor. I was deathly hungry when we (S and his friend Tanner, in his case) arrived home so I scarfed tacos for lunch. Bad idea. Later, after lifting, I hit the Y for thirty minutes on the elliptical and three miles on the treadmill. I thought I was going to die with all that taco shit in my stomach. Whoo. Rick and Bella were in the hall as I was leaving. We talked for a few minutes. I’m glad he’s back in town. After a shower I organized some new downloads before Calvin arrived for high-quality television-oriented babysitting. God, by the way, I was fucking freezing. I’m not sure why the cold impacted me so much last night. Maybe the wind was a factor. I don’t know. We settled on Chuck’s in Theinsville for dinner. M had pasta and I had eggplant parmesan (sp?). Our waitress was new, poor girl, in full freakout mode. We arrived at the symphony hall a little early. I saw a couple people I know from a distance but didn’t feel like socializing. The sparse crowd allowed us room to spread out. Both the Weber and Chopin were awesome. The crowd went wild, well, as wild as classical music crowds can go. We left at intermission. I wasn’t that interested in the Rimsky-K, and both of us wanted to get warm at home. After dropping off Calvin I curled up on the couch with The Soul Thief and fell asleep by 10:30.

Today’s wide open. Maybe I’ll work on a poem. January is almost over.

Whew, this was a long first week of classes. I had a great time and felt pretty good about my teaching and work in general but my brain was fried by the end of just about every day this week. We had a slew of student issues, finished a schedule draft, a couple of U-wide emergency meetings, and I taught a new class. Last night I ate dinner, inhaled a couple beers while watching The Office/30 Rock, finished Revolutionary Road, and collapsed. S was up before five, watching Sportscenter, but a couple minutes ago he declared he was returning to bed.

Maybe I should bullet point this week. Shall we?

• I’ve pushed hard at the gym. On non-basketball days I’m doing either twenty or thirty minutes on the elliptical and running either three or four miles at a 7MPH pace. On basketball days I’m knocking out thirty minutes on the elliptical then playing hoops for an hour. Yesterday by the end of the hour I had nothing left in my legs. I’m considering taking today off. We’ll see. The gym opens in an hour. I’ve only taken off six days since November first.
• Tonight we have symphony tickets. We’ll probably go out to eat beforehand. I’m looking forward to it. The temps are supposed to hit single digits, but this week was a little warmer, and the symphony hall’s parking garage has a skywalk that leads directly to our seats, so no complaints.
• S scratched his eyes this week while playing football with T. Or maybe I should say T accidentally scratched S’s eye while they were playing football. He had to wear an eye patch Thursday. He’s fine now, I guess. Pirate jokes abounded.
• N’s reading is improving but I still want him to read more. I don’t think he tests well.
• Basketball…on Wednesday I couldn’t miss, on Friday I couldn’t hit one.
• I finished Revolutionary Road. More on that on Goodreads. I started The Soul Thief…good so far.

I feel calmer and happier than I have in a long time. I’m not sure I can explain why.
When something negative takes place, even something small (e.g. traffic, I miss a shot) I can breathe through it and let it go better than before. Let me talk through this a little. Shadow’s death impacted me a ton. I still miss her. Last night I wanted her next to me, I wanted to play with her upstairs, I wanted to kiss her head before we fell asleep. But I value so much the time we had together. And I guess this will sound a little clichéd, but when I get caught in traffic or something pisses me off I can breathe through the frustration and frame the momentary inconvenience as not that important. I can let go of drama and carefully choose my interactions. I can treat people well. I want my kids to grow up watching me handle issues without losing my cool. They need that model, and I haven’t always provided it. So I guess I can see a little further lately.

That’s it for now. Have a good Saturday.

Homework time! T finished his in about ten seconds, S is still working, N freaked out when M wanted him to work on sounding out words while writing. He’ll get there.

What did I do today? I woke near four, downed coffee, and headed to the Y. I’m not sure why, but after twenty minutes on the elliptical my legs had nothing left to give. The Y has about seventeen different types of elliptical. I wonder if I was using a special kind. Since the elliptical wasn’t working for me I switched to the treadmill and knocked out four miles in thirty-six minutes. Not bad. I tried to stay calm, breathe, and listen to Speaking of Faith. My shoulder held up until the last two minutes, when I sucked it up and ran through the pain. Afterward I did some crunches and talked with Tommy about basketball.

A wave of productivity hit after I ate and got ready for the day. I wrote a draft of tomorrow’s program update before practicing catching blueberries in my mouth with the kids. When they went to school I finished two proposal drafts. Tomorrow will be busy but not unbearable. I might go in Wednesday, too, although I’m usually home on Wednesdays. Near 10 I drove over to Kohl’s to buy the boys shoes with that 30% card. I snagged a couple shirts and some crap for work but felt generally disoriented by the shopping experience. I’m not meant to shop for longer than fifteen minutes at a time. A quick run through Costco and a stop at the depressing auto parts store (air filter, which I had a hard time installing in the parking lot) later and I was on the way home. The early afternoon hours passed with more email and paperwork. M had an appointment with her dentist so I picked the boys up from school. Ross and I hung out in the lobby and talked about why we avoid phone calls until the bell rang.

Classes start tomorrow. I will down my traditional pre-semester beer tonight then curl up with Revolutionary Road. Good night.

I’m sitting under the hanging office plant catching up on the journal, etc. S and I were watching the Eagles/Cardinals game but he and N started wrestling so I bailed. Later, after dinner, I’ll probably drive down to work for a few quiet evening office hours. I would go tomorrow but even though the U is closed I imagine the floor will be busy, and I need a couple of hours without people stopping by and saying “hey, how’s it going?” every ten minutes. Tuesday will be busy with the students back in the halls, and I want to give them my full attention, so tonight I’ll try to get a few things ready for later in the week then work at home tomorrow.

Last night I fell asleep early then woke around midnight. What did I do in the middle of the night? I can hardly remember. I tried to watch Scrubs but I wasn’t into it. I read a little. I caught up online. By three I was back asleep by the alarm rang at 5:15. Apparently yesterday the boys, while playing with their cousins, activated the alarm and stuck the alarm clock in a cup. In turn I crawled around the guest bedroom floor, searching for the ringing monstrosity, just after five. I’m sure I looked quite dignified. Somehow I got back to sleep for the third time and woke at 7:30. My throat hurt, and I thought of skipping the Y, but I drove over near ten and managed sixty minutes on the elliptical along with full weights and abs. Not bad. The early afternoon passed with laundry and newspapers. Pretty good day.

The desire to write poetry has returned. Maybe tomorrow I can sit in the library corner and get down some words. We’ll see. If I can get home by 9, 9:30 tonight I should still get to the Y by 5. Tomorrow is a short workout session, only a bit more than an hour, then the rest of the day should be free. I can knock out some paperwork in the morning then spend the afternoon on my own. Not bad. Good night.

N and I are watching “Time Warp Trio”. M and the boys are off at “Mall Cop” with their cousins. N is getting a cough. I hope he’s ok.

The last two days have been pretty good. Yesterday morning, after basketball, working out, etc., I drove down to the office and knocked out the last of my syllabi. Colleagues kept visiting my office, I would say unfortunately, but I hadn’t seen the visitors lately and I was glad to trade gossip. Early afternoon I ditched the office and stopped at Borders (Diary of a Wimpy Kid for the boys), Kohls (hit the 30% jackpot on the scratch-off card) and Costco. What did I do last night? Not much. We watched “The Office” and “30 Rock” before I slipped upstairs and read Revolutionary Road until I fell asleep. Oh, I’ve also eaten like shit lately, the winter/hibernation thing, although nothing too serious.

This morning I woke by three, answered email (not work email, the work email system sucks), hung out with the boys, and hit the Y at 6:30. After thirty minutes on the elliptical I ran three miles in 27.15. No complaints, although I didn’t have the energy to do crunches afterward. I hustled home, got ready, and drove to work for the scholarship interviews. We listened to top-notch high school kids talk. They have so much promise. This is the only Saturday of the year about which I don’t complain working. The experience is always inspiring.

My sister, her husband, and their kids visited not long after lunch. My niece competed in some Irish Dancing contest in Milwaukee so they swung north to see us. The kids spazzed out upstairs while my brother in law and I talked and watched basketball. N wanted to stay home, thank god, rather than attend the film. He’s been watching television ever since. I don’t mind. His brothers are doing the same but in a theater.

More Revolutionary Road tonight followed by sleep, a morning workout, maybe some poetry work, and a long and fulfilling day inside the house. I need a relaxing day. More later. Take it easy.

We’re off of school both today and tomorrow. Well, “we’re” means M and the boys, although I could take off as well. I’m way ahead of the curve as far as planning is concerned, but I still want to go into the office tomorrow and wrap up a few things so I can get to lesson planning Monday and extend my prep advantage.

So what did I do today? I was up way early, like, 3AM early, but I had fallen asleep by seven last night so I didn’t feel too tired. I thought of watching a film but decided to answer email and the like instead. Oh, I keep forgetting I have to work Saturday morning, by the way. No big deal. Anyway, M and T went shopping by nine so I hung out with S and N. We cooked, watched tv, and built castles with rows of toilet paper. Although the house was clean this morning now, well, the space looks as if people, you know, lived in it today. After lunch and M and T’s return I hit the Y, where I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, lifted weights, and knocked out two miles on the treadmill while listening to the “Doubt” episode of Speaking of Faith and some of Robert Rich’s ambient material. Later I took a shower, read the first couple chapters of Revolutionary Road, and hung out with the boys. We heard late in the afternoon that school is canceled tomorrow as well. I’ll still work out in the morning and head into work. I hope the Saturn starts.

Good night. Stay warm, part 2.

A little after five, the house a mess, on the couch. I should clean soon. Sometimes 5:00PM arrives and, much to my surprise, the evening seems to stretch out well ahead of me.

This morning I was up by 4:30AM but I decided against hitting the Y too early. N was up, too, and I didn’t want to stick M with waking early as I wasn’t sure who woke in the middle of the night. I hung out for a while until everyone rose, got ready, and hit the coffee shop to work on the schedule from 7 to about 8:15. I got a lot done in a quick hour. After the house cleared out I returned home and refined the schedule through the morning. The work took less time than I thought. Later I hit the Y, ran three miles, lifted, and ran another mile. I could have pushed further but decided against killing myself on the treadmill. I can’t find the right elliptical at the Y. They all seem to make me scrunch up and throw off my back. Oh well. I’ll figure it out. Later I took T to drums. Tonight I might read from Waiting for the Barbarians and work on some poetry. The poetry book is calling me again.

Thursday will be the coldest day, the weatherman just told me, since 1996. Maybe the kids will be off school. Tomorrow I’m leaving work early to pick them up. I don’t want to entrust them to babysitters on a subzero day.

Good night…stay warm. Mid-January is almost upon us. Winter won’t last forever.

On the glider, 5:00PM, dark outside, I miss Shadow. I feel like I should be able to look down and see her on the futon.

This morning I woke at 4:15AM (alarm) and reached the YMCA by 4:55AM. The building was open early (the doors usually open at 5). I knocked out thirty on the elliptical and three miles (28.5 minutes) on the treadmill. I also did the ab and leg machines before heading home. After a quick shower, etc. I headed to work. Most of the day was productive. All my syllabi but one are off at the copier, I caught up on some phone calls, etc. Later I visited a deserted Costco.

So what can I do tonight? Maybe I’ll go upstairs and read. Oh, I need to download some more Plutarch so I have something for tomorrow’s workout. And I should get my clothes ready. See? I have something to do. Good night.

I have maybe thirty, forty-five minutes before I head to N’s birthday party, so I thought I’d write while I stay very still on the couch. The last approximately twenty hours have sucked. I was so tired last night and felt what I would call stomach flu except I only felt searing pain in my stomach and I’m not sure that counts as stomach flu. I slept from six until about one, woke, cruised the net and watched “30 Rock” online. Yay Salma Hayek. By 3AM I was able to fall back asleep, slept fitfully until seven, and hung out for a while on the couch, reading the paper. A little after nine I climbed on the elliptical and knocked out forty-five minutes while watching CNN and Sportscenter. At the forty-six minute mark one of the elliptical’s pedal welds split. Well, at least we’re YMCA members now. I threw on a different shirt, drove to the Y, and ran three miles in thirty minutes while listening to Budd/Guthrie. My stomach hurt like fuck but I didn’t work out yesterday and wanted to sweat. Afterward I did chest weights and drove home. After lunch I finished lifting weights and crunches (kind of stupid, trying crunches today) and settled in on the couch.

This week we’re headed for some of the coldest temps in fifteen years. Bad timing on the elliptical as far as that’s concerned. Tonight I’ll take some pics and send them to the warranty/repair guy. My discipline will need to be tight this week. T wants to borrow the comp…more later. Stay warm.

I’m in the glider, under the full spectrum light and flannel sleeping bag, listening to Robin Guthrie/Harold Budd’s “Before The Day Breaks”. I feel a depression coming on. This grey, frigid weather will be the death of me. I understand why people move south, although I maintain a dogged and stubborn insistence that winter is part of my very soul. January and February can be a bitch. This depression is formless and different than my usual depression, and I suspect the lifeless darkness’ genesis stems from Shadow’s death, a lack of light, the impending start of the semester, and my perennially fucked up biology. Yay.

Last night we visited J and M’s house for dinner. M is an almost-retired executive/founder of a locally important institution. Let me leave it at that. You might think he would be an arrogant asshole, but he really is a laid-back, thoughtful individual, and I don’t mind sitting in his well-appointed living room and listening to him talk. The boys and his son sprinted through the halls and drew in an office while we ate a quiet and not unpleasant dinner. I normally don’t like to leave the house for social visits on cold Friday nights but if I have to go anyone M and J’s house is better than most. Unfortunately, J and M (my wife M, this time) told the kids they could sled at a nearby hill after dinner. We didn’t arrive home until after eight and the boys didn’t get to sleep until after nine. N, of course, was up by five. Can you see why I don’t like to go out on Friday nights? Well, that’s one reason, anyway.

This morning I decided I didn’t want to waste the morning sulking on the couch, so I reviewed a book (Architecture of Happiness) on GR before burning some discs for the mail. Later I took S to basketball (some frustration because S left his shoes in the van, M took N and T to the Y in the van, and M left her cellphone at home) and talked with R on the sidelines while S’s team decimated the opposition with poorly contained glee. Afterward S and I relieved M and N at T’s game (T is improving). The boys didn’t want to visit the post office and Best Buy with me so I dropped them at home and drove to Grafton to use their super cool self-service package mailing machine. I skipped Best Buy (I want to see tomorrow’s ad beforehand) and drove home. The mailman delivered the new Blender issue, which I took into the bath and read cover to cover while under water. Later I curled up on S’s bed with Waiting For the Barbarians. I like the book so far, but I’m not blown away.

Tomorrow is N’s delayed birthday party. I hit the ground running at work Monday morning. I’m tired. Good night.

I’m home with N today. His ear hurts so M didn’t want him to push it at school. Since my schedule isn’t that tight this time of year I stayed home with him. This morning I worked on a proposal to change benchmark compensation. I can’t complain, my productivity wasn’t minimal. Oh, I should start earlier in the morning. I knocked out thirty minutes on the elliptical, did 100 crunches, played an hour of hoops, then lifted upstairs at the Y. I don’t know if the machines guide your muscles better or what but I felt toasted by the end of the session. Anyway, later in the morning I got N off the computer (he’s loving having the computer to himself) and we curled up on the couch for a Discovery special on cats. I loved snuggling on the couch with him. At one point I accidentally touched his ear and he said “ow” so I think the ear thing is real. M is taking him to the doctor this afternoon. I’ll probably take the two older kids to Coscto.

The last few days have been ok. I’m slowly working back into productivity. I probably would have gotten more done today if N wasn’t home, but I was happy with the benchmark proposal, and I’m way ahead of the schedule, thank you, workaholicism, so I’m ok.

I’m struggling to read lately. More later.

I’m in the corner chair, under the full spectrum light, while M cleans the kitchen, N plays on the computer, T watches Zach and Cody, and S hangs out at a friend’s house. We’re in the last hours before M and the boys return to school and I return to the office. Tomorrow I need to re-establish the routine. I’ll get up at four, down my coffee, and work out to Robin Meade’s show on CNN. Yay pre-dawn.

Yesterday M and the boys returned from Florida. I cleaned through the morning, cranking Stars of the Lid, and stopped at the Grafton library (T wanted a couple Ranger’s Apprentice books and I didn’t want to wait until inter-library loan delivered them to Port) and the office (watered the plants) before hitting the airport. The flight landed early, so I didn’t have much to delve deeper into Architecture of Happiness. The boys asked of Shadow’s health immediately, so I ushered them into the van and told them the news as gently as I could. T and S cried. N cried a little, asking me to “stop talking”. T and S talked through their emotions quite well. Both said they would miss Shadow more than the cats, and T asked when we could get a new dog. I’m thinking late summer would be good for a new dog, as M and the boys will hit Chautauqua in July and I may want to get out of town this summer as well.

The boys dissipated through the house upon their return. The day they arrive home always hold the promise and challenges of transition. I’m accustomed to quiet and the boys are exhausted from travel. I hung out for a while then read upstairs. The stress of the lack week flowed through me and I fell asleep early in the guest bedroom.

This morning the boys woke early, before six, and since I fell asleep so early last night, leaving M with the kids, I got up and let her sleep. I had promised T, before he left, that I’d get him set on an online D and D site, so I got that started before working out to the Chicago episode of “Cities of the Underworld”. Later M and I watched another episode of Gossip Girls (the one with the pool hall and Blair’s sleepover, probably my favorite episode yet). I felt like I was leaning on the boys too much (S knocked down the new blinds while wrestling on the couch), so I wasn’t too upset when S left for his friend’s and M took T and N to Costco. I cleaned a little, lifted weights, and watched some football.

Ok, I’m ready to start settling in for the night. I’m looking forward to the office quiet. Good night.

So my dog is dead. Last night she didn’t eat, again, and except for a short burst of energy fueled by a mad desire to pee, I think, she crashed on the futon and struggled to breathe. M and I talked about our options, and I called the vet at 10PM. Unfortunately his daughter answered the phone and then, thinking the machine picked up, hung up the phone. I didn’t want to call back and cause problems, so I took a melatonin and crashed on the couch. I woke at four to find Shadow walking through the house, a lap of the first floor, then back on the futon. She still hadn’t eaten and the breathing appeared worse. Also, she wouldn’t lick me at all and seemed to have spasms close to a seizure near her throat and mouth.

You know, as I write this I keep glancing down at the futon, expecting her to be there. We had a wordless sense of each other in the house. I hope that’s her spirit I’m sensing.

I showered, ate, and called the vet at 7:15AM. He said he could be here by nine. I checked my email, cleaned a little, then sat next to Shadow and gave her water. I sat close, petting her fur, and thanked her for all the walks, the warmth, the joy, and the love. I reminisced about the woods and playing in the backyard. I talked about first meeting her back in Chicago and living on Seeley in our tiny apartment. I said goodbye. The vet arrived but Shadow hardly responded to his presence. I told the vet about the last few days and told him to let me know if her quality of life was reasonable. He said she was gasping for breath, probably could linger a little, but she wasn’t living well and the pain would increase soon. I’ve known this vet for over a decade, and I trust him, so we got started. At first I held Shadow but this seemed to be less comfortable for her so I put her on the futon. The vet shaved her paw, struggled to find a vein (low blood pressure) but shot the first shot, the anesthesia, without too much difficulty. The second shot went in the other paw, and after about thirty seconds of breathing, Shadow died. Goodbye, little girl. Goodbye. The vet said we made the right call but expressed that he wished she could have held on until the boys saw her. I’m torn on that issue. I don’t know if the boys would have wanted to see her in this state, or if it would have been good for them, but I’m worried they’ll blame me for the death. Sometimes you have to do the right thing even if it means your kids are going to be mad at you. I understand the biological desire to survive but I wouldn’t want her to continue to feel that pain. We’re getting the ashes back, like we have with all our animals, so the vet got a blanket and a bodybag from his car. I helped him wrap her up and he left. Now I’m here, looking down at the fur left from when he shaved her paw. Should I save some? I don’t know. My memories might be enough.

So now what do I do, you know? I put on my socks and shoes and run errands, Costco, Blockbuster, the library. I want to get out of the house. I feel her with me. Thank you, Shadow. Thank you. I can see you running in the fields.

I’m on the couch, feeling slightly under the weather, watching sportscenter. Maybe I’ll turn it off. There, I did. Quiet now. Shadow’s asleep on the futon. She hasn’t eaten anything all day. I wish she could pass on in her sleep. Her breathing looks heavier now.

I’ve thought about death this week. I feel guilty that I’m going to live and Shadow’s going to die. I can give lip service to the idea that I want her to feel comfortable, that she’s had a good life, all that, but I still get to eat ice cream and work out after she’s gone, and that doesn’t feel right. A friend of mine said the hardest aspect of an animal’s death is the potential that you can’t communicate in a refined way with an animal. I can’t explain to Shadow how I’m feeling or what’s happening and she can’t tell me what she wants. I don’t know if the natural communication, the routines we’ve developed over the years, the ability to know what each other want through subtle behavioral cues is a farce or valid. I just don’t know. I wonder if I’m attempting to assuage my guilt and deaden the pain with clichés and platitudes. I feel pain, but she’s going to die.

This morning I managed my hangover with coffee and diet coke. The skies were grey, but nothing is open on New Year’s Day anyway, so I was happy to stay home. I ate eggs this morning then cleaned both the refrigerator and freezer. Goddamn, both were dirty. I pulled out all the shelves, cleaned each one, and reorganized all the food. In the process I threw out the bottles and bags lurking in the back. The space looks much better. Afterward I watched more of the Hunter S. Thompson documentary. I’m disappointed, honestly. The filmmakers played up the 60s icon image too much. I don’t give a flying fuck about celebrating or validating the 60s. Fuck the 60s. They also skip of the Las Vegas material, my favorite, and spend way too much time on politics. Oh well. Later I moved some furniture around upstairs (particularly in the Wii room) and decided to work out. I watched the first thirty minutes of “The Savages” while working out but grew depressed with the material so I switched to CNN (still depressing) for the last thirty minutes. After a shower I cooked up some tofu and Indian simmer sauce for dinner, topped it off with two bowls of ice cream (rare but necessary), and hit the couch. My throat feels a little off. Maybe I’ll get to sleep early. Good night.

I’m hungover but strangely energized. I’ll probably take a shower soon and finish cleaning the kitchen. Last night I got very drunk while watching a documentary on Hunter S. Thompson then crashed on the futon with Shadow. She woke a few times during the night, so I carried her out to pee, but she’s doing ok now, from what I can tell. She’s sleeping on her favorite blanket. I can’t get her to eat anything today. I wish she’d eat something. I tried eggs and chicken, both of which worked yesterday, but she turned both down. Maybe she just needs a break from food. I hope so. She never ate much anyway.

Here’s my 2008 booklist along with some comments. Enjoy More later.

1. Jane Eyre-Charlotte Bronte
2. Crooked Little Vein-Warren Ellis
3. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-Hunter Thompson (reread)
4. South of the Border, West of the Sun-Haruki Murakami
5. Soon I Will Be Invincible-Austin Grossman
6. Little Children-Tom Perrotta
7. Bluebeard-Kurt Vonnegut (reread)
8. Norwegian Wood-Haruki Murakami
9. Abstinence Teacher-Tom Perrotta
10. Sputnik Sweetheart-Haruki Murakami
11. Nasty Bits-Anthony Bourdain
12. Kitchen Confidential-Anthony Bourdain
13. Day of the Locust-Nathanael West
14. Vurt-Jeff Noon
15. Outlander-Diana Gabaldon
16. Alternadads-Neal Pollack
17. American Nerd-Ben Nugent
18. Boomsday-Chris Buckley
19. The Book of Vice-Peter Sagel
20. Atmospheric Disturbances-Rivka Galchen
21. Wiseguys-Nicolas Pileggi
22. Lost Continent-Bill Bryson
23. The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao-Junot Diaz
24. What I Think About When I Think About Running-Haruki Murakami
25. Perfect From Now On-John Sellers
26. Bridge of Sighs-Richard Russo
27. Housekeeping-Marilynne Robinson
28. I Was Told There’d Be Cake-Sloane Crosby
29. Neither Here Nor There-Bill Bryson
30. Best American Travel Writing, 2008 (Edited by Anthony Bourdain)
31. Wordy Shipmates-Sarah Vowell
32. The Learners-Chip Kidd
33. The Possibility of An Island-Michel Houellbecq
34. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell-Tucker Max
35. I Have The Right To Destroy Myself-Young-ha Kim

Comments!

I read more non-fiction than usual this year. Not including the re-reads 14 of 33 books, if I’m counting correctly, were non-fiction.

I feel somewhat disingenuous putting “Jane Eyre” on the list, as I finished it in 2008 but read most of the book in 2007. I’m also well into the Landmark Herodotus but I’m going to put that in 2009 because the book is so large, and my reading of the text so sporadic, that 2009 seems the correct designation.

The best book? The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, no doubt. There were a lot of solid runner-up books, though. The only books I read this year that failed me were the Tucker Max book, Alternadads, I Was Told There Would Be Cake, and The Possibility of An Island.

A lot of these books were quick reads. However, I read a lot this year, whether on the side of a baseball field, at home with the kids, or somewhere else.

The library provided 23 of 35 of the books. Yay libraries.