Ok, hold on, another quick post. I quickly looked up dream interpretation dictionaries on google, and I read two interpretations of “otter” and “ferret”. Here are the two “otter” ones:

Otter: To see otters in your dream, symbolizes happiness and good fortune. You will find ideal enjoyment or unusual tenderness with your loved one.

OTTER
Awaken the inner child, be playful
Sharing the bounty of life with others
Beware of worrying too much

Here are the two “ferret” ones:

Ferret: To see a ferret in your dream, symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching.

FERRET
What do I know and feel about ferrets?
Am I 'ferreting out' information about something?
Does it imply inquisitiveness?
Is this about someone being sexually annoying or demanding?

Ok, before I go on, these are the two sites I accessed:

http://www.easy-dream-interpretation.com/

http://dreammoods.com/


Both sites are a bit heavy with the new age crap (moons and whatever), but I find the fact that ferrets and otters are even listed interesting. Now, I think the animal in the dream was physically more like a ferret, but for some reason “river otter” kept popping into my head. I think river otters are more dangerous, but this animal was the size of a ferret. The ferret interpretations fit where I am a bit more. I don’t mind the somewhat contradictory elements of the interpretative possibilities. I don’t imagine dream interpretation is easy, and I doubt one animal symbolizes the same thing all the time. I want to think about this. More later.

I woke thirty minutes ago from a strange dream, a dream that will keep me from sleep for a while, and I must write it down before I forget. Shadow, Cleo (the smaller of my two cats, blind) and I were sleeping on a sort of raised roof, and a ferret/river otter (I’m not sure which) slept near us, close enough to touch us. The pastor of my church was there, talking in her usual Xanax cheery way (that’s mean, and I like her, but I’m sure you understand) about that “darn little critter and all I’m asking is that he move over a bit and not wreck the new addition”. I was alarmed for my animals’ safety, so I moved them off the roof, but the ferret/river otter followed us and somehow Cleo lost half her paw. This didn’t seem to hurt her, though. Then I woke. I’ll be up for a while. However, as soon as I woke I realized the snake in the dream from a couple days back probably symbolized some element of my sexuality. Duh. Whack me over the head with it.
Let me talk about the Xanax comment a bit. I don’t like overtly optimistic people at all, if the optimism seems to be covering for an unwillingness to face problems head on. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be such an asshole, though. There’s no good reason for hate to possess me in these scenarios. I think they go back to my mother, now that I think about it, and her desire to smooth everything over and pretend everything is alright. I feel a responsibility to bring things out on the table because I spent a lot of time with people telling me not to speak about what was wrong, how to keep my mouth shut and it will just go away, all of that. Hm. I need to think about this more, but I think I’m onto something. Good night. Maybe I’ll listen to Magnetic Fields for a while in the dark. I need to walk/run tomorrow. My body is totally out of sync.

Today I subsisted largely on pizza and ice cream sandwiches. I think I’ve dropped some bad habits and replaced them with food. Yay! Why can’t I become one of those guys who becomes obsessed with working out? It worked for Danny Bondaduche. On second thought…
Actually, I needed a day like today. This morning I woke on the couch, after a solid ten hour sleep, too late for hoops. I didn’t do much early in the morning. I channel surfed, read the paper, ordered Morrissey tickets, sent Dan some IMs, answered some email, and half-heartedly cleaned the house. Oh, I tried to complete my passport application, but I can’t find my birth certificate, so apparently I’ll have to order one from Illinois for forty bucks. Oh well, I have to figure the free trip to Italy into the equation. Forty bucks isn’t that big of a deal. I want a new backpack, though, too, so maybe I’ll end up dropping more cash than I would like. At noon or so I returned a movie to the library, hit the atm for forty bucks, and purchased the NY Times and Wall Street Journal. Later I watched the first hour of a documentary on Eastern Philosophy. The first hour addressed Confucianism and the Shinto religions. I was into the film, actually. I thought about driving down to the museum, or catching a film, but I couldn’t justify the drive. Instead, after the boys arrived home, we played football in the back field until S got angry and quit. I took a bath, helped T get an email address (we’re doing something wrong, not sure what, that causes us to be able to send but not receive messages), and played some pinball. Tomorrow maybe I’ll hit the Y and ride the bike before the waterpark. God knows I could use the exercise. Good night.

I’m up early, just before 3:00AM, but as I fell asleep by nine, at the latest, I’m not that worried about the day. I just woke from a scary dream, however, so I want to write down the images first. I was at the grade school I attended, then walking home from school. Now, I know the times were different, etc., but I regularly walked home from a pretty young age on my own, a good mile and a half or so, but the most harrowing stretch was often the last block or so, past a couple huge dogs in the home stretch. In the dream a snake guarded that was following me and talking with me, obviously trying to attack me, as I walked. He talked as he moved swiftly to block my way to the back yard and the front porch, saying some professor with whom he was working was an idiot because the professor said he had to try to use hypnotism in his work. I didn’t feel as if I was going to escape, and I couldn’t tell if I had a butcher knife to protect me or not. If I did, I was going to chop off that fucker’s head with one fell swoop. I just read this great Murikami story about a woman who never sleeps in which he describes sleep as releasing excess sparks and energy, tension, really. What do I fear?
I’ve done ok the last few days. Monday was long, chairs, teaching, etc., nothing particularly interesting to report. Same with Tuesday. I’ve been more than passably productive. Allow me to focus on yesterday. I woke by 5:30AM and drove to basketball, barely arriving as the tenth man for the first game. I was playing pretty well, but I came down from a rebound in the second game and twisted my ankle badly. I yelled the F word as loudly as I could, hopped around for a minute or so, and drove home. As I was driving I felt like a bit of a wuss, like perhaps the injury wasn’t that big of a deal, but the pain lingered all day. I need one of those ankle braces. Rich says I can get one at Target. Maybe I’ll stop on the way home today. Anyway, I arrived at my office slightly earlier than usual, by 7:45AM or so, and managed to knock out a load of paperwork. Hardly anyone was on the floor…that always helps. Next year I think I’ll stay out of the office more often. After a cafeteria lunch (high school kids invaded, way too loud for me) I took in another meeting before cutting out by 2:30PM. I don’t know how people with normal hours survive. I guess they don’t work nights and weekends as much as I do. I picked up the boys from school, and we hit the library. The boys were excellent. T picked out a book about medieval times for a research project on which he’s working. S chose a video game, rather than books, but hey, he’s a good reader, so no sweat. He’s actually somewhat obsessed with an Atlas we purchased at Half-Price Books a while ago. When I was his age I loved maps as well. Last night M had a church meeting, so I hung out with the boys. I felt like a good father for the first time in a while. T wasn’t feeling well, so he and I chatted on the bed after dinner. Then N and I read three books together. His academics are coming along well…I was worried. S stayed up a little later with me, reading his Atlas while I read Murikami’s “The Elephant Vanishes”.
Today is the last “official” day before spring break. If I work my ass off this morning, I think I can avoid driving into work tomorrow. Maybe I’ll hit the Bacon exhibit one more time before the exhibition shuts down. Maybe I’ll sleep all day. Good night.

Up early, about 3:30AM this morning, but I’m not that worried because I slept a lot this weekend, and even waking at 3:30AM I still managed six hours or so of sleep. After I woke I watched some videos. My sons are both asking for musical instruments. I hope they don’t become emo kids. At least, if they’re emo kids, they’ll get the girls.
I have this persistent image running through my mind of my last nerve, a raw nerve, exposed. That’s how I feel lately. Raw. Exposed. Meditation helps cover the raw nerve with medicine. Hard to explain. Last night I read about mantras online. I even listened to a few on the web. Some of them sound like commercialized Bollywood versions. I did find a cool one chanted by a Tibetan refugee at this site:

http://www.religionfacts.com/buddhism/symbols/om_mani_padme_hum.htm

Here’s another site, but I don’t think all the links work:

http://www.sinc.sunysb.edu/Clubs/buddhism/music/music.html

I’d consider driving into work early, but I have a long, long day ahead of me, and I kind of want to play hoops before work. Trains passing. More later.

I fear I will not sleep well tonight. I slept late this morning, until 8:00AM, and although I would be happy to sleep now again, twelve hours later, remaining awake for only twelve hours of a single day feels both acceptably without ambition and biologically suspect. No caffeine percolates in the cup next to my computer. I’m drinking the tea designed for bedtime Mary recommended a few months back, and I haven’t touched a diet coke since the early afternoon. My sinuses are a bit sketchy, and I’m out of Alleve, but I should be ok on that end. I hope. I could take another bath, I suppose. Maybe I’ll clean out the guest bedroom and read next to the fan for a while. We’re due for major overnight storms which, if true, will characterize the third stormy night in the last four days. I can’t complain.
Although this month has been my most journal-heavy, by a mile, in years, I haven’t written since Thursday, so allow me briefly to summarize the last few days. I was stuck in meetings more or less all day Friday. Mary and I did manage to sneak in a rather strange conversation at a local coffee shop before the first Friday meeting. I’m still not exactly sure why she wanted to talk, and my paranoia meter is extraordinarily touchy, but I trust her. After the morning meeting a few colleagues and I hit a Mexican restaurant for lunch. I had a midday Corona, caught a pleasant buzz, and would have taken a lovely nap had the office not interfered. I completed tomorrow night’s preparation and attended a later faculty senate meeting where I was roped into chairing the second half of the proceedings. Parlimentarian procedures mystify me, so I relied upon an experienced nun sitting to my left to walk me through the “I call the question” crap. After the meeting I cruised home, ate disappointing pizza, and played football with T and S in the backyard. After we finished we hit movie night at the boys’ school. The stimuli were too much for me, despite my best intentions, and I bolted just as the movie started. I walked home through a gentle rain, chatting on my cell phone for part of the time, although I regretted losing too much time to the phone when I should have been experiencing the rain. I was exhausted by this point, so I watched some hoops before falling asleep.
Saturday was a difficult day. I felt lost. Throughout much of the day I channel surfed and avoided constructive activity. The boys had friends in and out, all day, so I had to rag on the kids to keep the doors closed (still too cold for screen doors), and I ate like shit. I want to make clear that I never become suicidal. Instead, I feel absolutely spent, exhausted, as if I am raw and fatigued, utterly without meaning. I can’t tell you how I spent most of the hours because I did so little. I don’t believe I left the house at all. Late last night I read Ellroy for a while, took a bath, and listened to my Mp3 player before falling asleep late. How do I explain this despondency? I don’t know that I can. However, a few poems began to form in my mind, around two concepts. First, the word “momentum”, associated with movement, release, passed through my mind over and over again. Something like this:

Launched from gripless chrome
Into loose soil
I breathed through the air between dirt

The second idea had to do with beaches in winter. More on that soon. I know the poems need massive, massive work, but I find the words and ideas appealing, and I find the presence of words and ideas even more appealing. I haven’t written good poetry in fifteen years.

Today I made a concerted effort to raise myself from the mire. I didn’t wake until eight, as I mentioned earlier. We were out of diet coke, so T and I made an early morning Target run through the thickest fog I have ever experienced. I feel like I have a new understanding, however, of why the government wants signage the way they do. The signs pop out of nowhere and probably could have led me, had I decent directions, to the store. Still, turning from 32 onto 43 was somewhat intimidating, as I couldn’t see more than forty or fifty feet to my right. In the store T picked out three packs of sports cards. I grabbed two packs of diet coke and, on sale and on a lark, the latest TV guide. T and I had fun. He weighed his choices well. When we returned home I started laundry (always a sign of personal recovery) and ate lunch. One of T’s friends visited for a while, so M and I watched “Stranger Than Fiction” while they played. I liked the movie a lot, but maybe I was particularly in the mood for a film that tries to create reasons for living. Funny, I’ve had the movie for weeks, from Netflix, and chose to watch, it seems, on the right day. Later Shadow and I walked to the beach. The weather was warm by now, warm enough that I didn’t need my jacket, and the smells of spring left me dizzy. Sometimes I can’t believe I live where I live. Today we were on the bike path, looking north towards the courthouse tower, and I was giddy with the idea that I actually live in this town. I felt the same later when I looked east over the water towards the lighthouse, although, as just about everyone knows, I’m deathly afraid of both heights and the lake. However, Shadow and I walked to the beach, where I sat for a few minutes and took in the waves. I need to attempt an explanation of what drew me to the beach and what I felt as I sat on the sand. The sense of what is hidden underneath the water filled me as I tried to breathe my emotions into vision. I realize this sounds trite, but I feel as if the water symbolized all that is underneath the surface, personally, that I’m sure others would acknowledge is present in both their own lives and myself, but which I can’t see on my own. Writing about this tires me out further. After the beach Shadow and I stopped by the park, where the boys and neighbors were playing kickball, and returned home. My legs were killing me, which shouldn’t happen after a three mile walk, but that’s what happens when you eat like shit, get older, and don’t work out much. I need to get my walking groove on again before Italy. Anyway, I took a bath, made dinner (pasta rolls), and caught a bit more basketball before turning off the television after dinner. T and I silent read for a while. He wanted to read his new cards which, to be fair, is reading, so I let him look through his binder while I read a great story about Wagner and robbing McDonalds in Murikami’s “The Elephant Vanishes”. T asked to listen to the Mp3 player, so I helped him figure out how to use the menus, and he listened to The Ramones and The Killers while I read. S took a turn next before M shuttled them up to bed.
The weathermen are predicting 70’s tomorrow. Of course, I work from 8:30AM to 8:30PM. Oh well. Time to avoid paranoia and cultivate sleep. Good night.

Today was a more or less wasted day, I think, but I needed to waste a day, if that
makes sense. I woke just before basketball and decided, on the basis of my knees and the fact I had to grab the railing to walk up the stairs, to skip hoops. I hung out with the boys before school then watched Sportscenter for a while before the library opened. I had earmarked the day for dissertation work. About an hour into changing f—king verb tenses in chapter two, a practice I’m still not convinced I’m completing correctly, and experimenting with circles in the MS Word’s “Autoshape” function, I decided to throw in the towel. I think I’ll hand-draw what I need for Tuesday’s focus group. I drove to Walgreens for a passport photo and stopped at the courthouse for a passport application. I hope, after I drop off the passport application, that I never have to enter the courthouse again. The courthouse creeps me out. You have to go through a metal detector before you enter a building that smells like a hospital but feels, for lack of a better word, just…harder. I hope none of my children ever have to enter that building under difficult circumstances. I don’t know what else to say. After that I ate lunch, answered some email, and met a student at the coffee shop for an action research defense. We chatted for a while before I returned home. The kids were playing in the back yard so, after watching for ten minutes or so, I took a bath and read the latest Sports Illustrated. There are few pleasures in life as complete as reading a new magazine in the bathtub. Plus, the bathroom was sparkling clean. Double-plus, the weather was warm enough for an open skylight. I suppose I could work on the dissertation this weekend. I wonder what my chair will say about my first three chapters. I don’t know. Tomorrow I may meet Mary out in the morning before a meeting. I need to finish Monday’s prep, which shouldn’t be hard, before a 3PM senate meeting. I want to get the hell out of the building by five, stop for a pizza on the way home, and settle in for the weekend. Oh, the boys have movie night at their school, and I’m always the asshole father who skips it. Maybe I should go tomorrow night, just for them, since I’m always the asshole prick off to the side. I love my kids. They’re good kids. Three quick bullet points:

1) T, S, M, and I watched some of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” tonight. I answered the first two questions incorrectly. I suck. I also was pissed off that the contestants kept picking the boy fifth graders for help. Why not pick the girls? Game show sexists suck.
2) I haven’t procured any new music lately. Dan and I are convinced The Hold Steady sound like Thin Lizzy, so I’ve been listening to “Boys and Girls in America” to confirm our theory. I like that album a lot.
3) “Gunnar Palace”, a documentary about American soldiers in Iraq, arrived from Netflix today. I’m a documentary whore. Maybe I’ll watch some tonight. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I’ll get drunk. It’s been a while. Good night.

I’m up early, a little before five, and the wind is howling through the streets. I believe the weather people have predicted rain through at least the morning. I’m hoping for an invigorating spring rain rather than a Novermberesque I want to hide in the closet and think about killing myself kind of rain. I want the kind of rain that inspires me to open my office windows and move papers off the windowsill so they don’t get wet.
I need to describe a vivid, interesting dream before the images fade. M and I had moved to Manhattan with the kids and two of my colleagues from work, both women. We lived in the third floor of a stone building, like the kind you see in Lakeview and Lincoln Park down in Chicago, off on a side street, maybe four or five stories tall, very tight next to each building. I had snagged a job teaching first grade to very affluent children. The first day of work had gone well, but I had left the apartment for some reason in the morning the next day, and I couldn’t find either the apartment or my keys to the apartment the second day. I ran into an action research student who, when he discovered I wasn’t returning to Wisconsin, was worried that wouldn’t finish action research on time. I had this very intense fear and depression relating to showing up late for work and losing my job. Now, I didn’t wake with a start, but I woke afraid. I need to think about this dream for a while. There may be something to the pattern. The leaving the apartment and failing to find my way home intrigues me in particular.
Yesterday was ok. I was busy at work, brainfried by the end of the day, but I knocked out some paperwork, and I’m nearing completion on next year’s schedule. Last night I felt drained. T wanted to play volleyball outside, but I was way too exhausted and the last of winter too resilient for outside activity. I hardly moved from the couch until the boys were ready for bed. I read some of the Greek myths with them. They seemed especially interested in the Persephone story. I must finish that one with them tonight. We also invented a new character for our stories, a figure named Stompy, who has very large feet, four feet wide or so, and six feet long, but otherwise is normal size.
I have some thoughts on Gatsby, but I’ll save those for later. M’s birthday today. Still haven’t purchased her anything. More later.

Long day. I arrived at work by 9AM or so, after a brief stop at Target, and I thought I would have a fairly calm afternoon of cleaning up paperwork and the like before a leisurely drive towards Kenosha for an evening class. Wrong. Way wrong. I had about seven million minor fires to address, out of nowhere, before noon. I attended two quick meetings around lunch, scarfed down some Jimmy Johns, and tore from the office at 3:30. Now, the drive from work to Kenosha is about forty minutes, tops, but today, about ten miles from my exit, I ran into the mother of all traffic jams. I tried to swing off the highway, but I ran into the other seven thousand people with the same idea. The forty minute drive stretched to two hours. I did earn extra points for ingenuity, however, when I had the secretary look up one of the student’s cell numbers. I called her and got the class started on some material while I drove the county’s backroads in a desperate attempt to circumvent the traffic jam. I later read a truck jackknifed. I reached home about 9:45PM. Twelve hour days rock!
I don’t have much to say tonight. I need to get into meditation mode again, and I need a therapist. More tomorrow.

I’m up late for a Sunday evening. My intramural basketball team played at 9PM tonight. We only had four guys show up, all thirty or older, and we played a team with eight guys twenty-five or younger. We came out gunning, figuring we didn’t have much to lose, and low and behold, after about ten minutes we were up by five points. Of course, then the other team started trying, and we lost by thirty. However, I had to keep moving through the entire forty minutes, leading to my best workout in recent memory. Oh, once, on defense, while backpedaling, I fell flat on my ass. Rock and roll!
N was up early this morning, I mean 3AM early, screaming about wanting to go downstairs. From where the hell did that come? I had to sit with him in the spare bedroom until he calmed down. He’s got to learn he can’t scream to get what he wants. He’s a good kid. I never know when I’m too hard or too easy on him. I suppose I’m like most fathers that way. As I’ve said before, I only want to make new and improved mistakes when compared to my own parents. I do need to lay off the “if you don’t do this, you can’t play the Wii” parenting strategy, though. T calls them “the threats”. I don’t use them often, usually only when the kids won’t get off the Wii when they’re supposed to do so, but I always pride myself on reinforcing good decision making in the sense of Aristotle rather than because I’m leaning on the kids. We’ll see. Last week I was a decent father, hopefully I’ll get back on a good parenting streak.
Anyway, after N fell back asleep I was too wired to sleep myself, so I watched tv until dawn or so. Apparently “Girls Gone Wild” commercials are on every third channel between 3AM and 6AM. There are advantages to parenting three boys. At least they won’t get drunk and flash GGW cameras. I think. T was sleeping in my bed, so I decided to sleep on the closet floor. I slept pretty well, actually, until 10AM. The closet is pretty big, walk-in, and there’s only a small window, so the light never woke me. M took the boys to church, so I watched a documentary on myths from Netflix before lunch. I was determined to avoid working on my dissertation, because I didn’t want to go work all day and feel drained entering work tomorrow, so I forced myself to sit on my ass and watch basketball. I’m still at the top of both pools, but Texas screwed me over. I need USC to beat North Carolina next week. We’ll see. I felt disconnected from the boys, though, because they had friends over all day yesterday and they were out with friends most of today. I suppose I could have walked out and hung out with them, but M and the neighbor moms were out, and I doubt I would have fit in very well. Oh well. After dinner I cleaned the kitchen (I love the smell of the bleach spray cleaner), living room, and dining room while downloading new music to my Mp3 player. T, S, and I sat on the couch and chatted for about thirty minutes before I had to leave for basketball. I also sat on the edge of the bed and provided running commentary while M read the boys a book on Greek myths. I drove down to basketball early so I could water the plants and print out ninety pages of my dissertation for my chair to review. I suppose I should get some sleep now. More tomorrow.

I’m writing, in the dining room, everyone asleep. Tonight M took T and S to an ice skating function sponsored by the boys’ school. M is good at making sure they always hit events of that nature. By the way, just reading through that sentence’s structure, don’t be surprised if I’m overtly formal with the new few months’ journal entries. I’m trying to finish my goddamn dissertation, so every sentence will probably sound like I’m writing research.
The last few days have been fine. Yesterday I worked through the morning, cleaning up some paperwork and walking through a meeting, before driving home near lunch. I felt an unexpected sense of relief leaving work. I’m not sure why. I had that “this is the first time I can breathe in a long time” feeling. I stopped at Pick and Save on the way home and picked up two frozen pizzas. After a quick lunch (not the pizzas, saving those for later), M and I took the boys to Cabela’s, that huge hunting, fishing, camping, you know, all that kind of store a bit west of here. I was surprised at how quickly we reached the store, actually. We drove less than a half-hour, door to door, and we even missed our exit near the store’s entrance. We also passed through Jackson, Wisconsin, one of the more depressing towns I’ve seen in recent memory. The city looks like a museum for ugly houses. Anyway, as a vegetarian, I was out of my element among the manly men who frequent Cabela’s, but apparently I passed their screening test at the door so they let me enter. They did have a place, near the entrance, where one was supposed to check firearms “for your own safety”. I didn’t see any guns checked while waiting, so I can only assume someone in the building was packing. The boys checked out the stuffed (not like little baby toys, like taxidermy) animals and aquarium. N found a “robot fish” that served as an underwater camera. I also shot a few rounds of light at a shooting gallery upstairs. I was feeling it, I tell you. The “sportsmen” make some good arguments about culling the herd and keeping animal populations healthy (except for the ones they shoot, of course). Also, the store had cool camping gear that made me think of walking the Appalachian trail again. I’d have to lose fifty pounds to pull off the hike, I think. I’m a fat ass lately. Here’s the store link:

http://cabelas.com/cabelas/en/templates/community/aboutus/retail-detail.jsp?detailedInformationURL=/cabelas/en/content/community/aboutus/retail/retail_stores/richfield/richfield.html&cm_re=retail*left*richfield

We stopped and picked up a huge Papa Murphy’s pizza on the way home. There would be no denying me pizza this day, I tell you. We ate while watching the local high school basketball team win its semifinal game on a local access channel. After dinner we watched some NCAA hoops (I’m kicking ass in both pools, either at the top or near the top) before I fell asleep early on the couch. Tonight I should sleep in my normal bed.
I woke by seven this morning, thank you, children, and started working on my dissertation before I even ate breakfast or showered. I summarized a couple articles (the “vision” section of my second chapter is a bit dicey, but I hope no one but me notices), took a shower, ate breakfast, and, except for a couple computer pinball games, stuck with the paper through the early afternoon. All three boys had friends over, and I worked at the table while they played around me. I wasn’t bothered except for the fact the kids kept leaving the doors open and it’s still winter, or at least cold spring, in mid-March. Oh, I almost forgot, I did take all three boys down to Half-Priced Books for approximately an hour so M could run errands and catch up on sleep. I picked up Ha Jin’s “The Bridegroom” (I think that’s the title) and the boys picked up Backyard Baseball for the PC. I wanted to get Klosterman’s “Killing Yourself to Live” as well, which I saw on the shelves last week, but someone bought the copy in the interim, goddamn it. That’s what I get for making careful money decisions. Oh well. I only wanted to re-read the book because I wasn’t that impressed the first read through and I wanted to see if I had missed anything, as I normally enjoy Klosterman’s work. N and I had fun while M and the boys were at their ice skating thing. We watched an episode of “Blues Clues” before going upstairs, where N proceeded to surf on my back until a huge wave (my arching my back) knocked him off, resulting in uncontrollable laughter on his part. We repeated this process approximately 4,000 times. I may need a back specialist. After my back couldn’t handle the mirth further we moved downstairs, watched “Kim Possible”, and waited for the rest of the family to return home.
Three quick bullet points:

1) “Ned’s Declassified Guide to School” is the best show my older kids watch. I’m tempted to check it out when they’re not around. I’m reminded of “The Office” except set in middle school and generally happier in tone.

http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/display_show.jhtml?show_id=ned

2) I haven’t watched any movies this week, although I still have “Stranger Than Fiction” and a new Joseph Campbell thing on myths from Netflix. Maybe tomorrow. NCAA basketball is on the television more often than not this week.

3) I should finish Gatsby tomorrow. I’m not sure what to say just yet. My friend Lisa, an English teacher, said there’s really no deep meaning there (I’m paraphrasing) other than a gossipy look at yesterday’s rich and fabulous (barf). Is the book like a fancy version of People? I don’t know. Actually, I do like a few passages. More on Gatsby later.

I’m sitting on the couch, watching sportscenter while I write. I hardly ever do this sort of thing, and I can’t say writing on the laptop as I sit on the couch is particularly comfortable, but it’s NCAA weekend, and I’m doing well in the pools, so I want to keep tracking how I’m doing. I should probably try to get some sleep pretty soon. I don’t know.
More drama at work, but I’m still calm, more or less, with the situation. This gets a bit harder when you’re older and you have kids. Sure, I could get a job somewhere else in the country, or maybe even around here, but there’s always the fear the kids won’t get insurance or whatever. I’m not helped by the fact that the teacher hiring environment is so tight locally. I’d feel better if teachers were getting hired. My dean is extraordinarily supportive, and I could handle a lot, but of course this all bounces around in my mind. By the end of the summer I should have a doctorate and two Masters degrees. I would hope, in that scenario, I could support my family. I’ll try not to worry about this. Remember, I’m trying not to rile myself up, I’m trying to avoid that behavioral pattern. Maybe I’ll go upstairs and read Gatsby for a while, or maybe I’ll get drunk and watch basketball. Either way.
I mentioned my dissertation by implication above. My dissertation chair said I could defend my dissertation either in late June or late July. Now, this means I’ll have to work pretty hard up to that point, but I think I could pull off the first date. We’ll see. On Saturday M has invited friends over for the boys, so I think I’ll hit the library and work for three hours so I can send the chair a draft of chapters one through three by Sunday. Tomorrow will be a bit busy as well, but I should be ok. If I get to work early, after hoops, I should be able to grade a slew of action research papers and maybe plans a bit further for Monday’s class. Next week should open some time. I don’t have seminar again until late August, so my Thursdays get a bit easier, and I’ll finish a slew of paperwork and the like by the end of next week. Ok, I need Xavier, Indiana, UNC, and Pittsburg to win. More later. Good night.

Quick dream post. Last night, or this morning, I dreamed that I was back in Chicago, at the Harlem Avenue El station, except the station was now connected to an airport. I needed to fly somewhere, but no one was available to sell me a ticket, so I had to run down Higgins, looking for a travel agent. Everything was boarded up, like a ghetto or something, with a few liquor stores, casinos, that sort of place, and a ton of gang gravity in huge letters along the sides of the apartment building. I ran a good seven or eight blocks to a travel agency where a little figure of a Hawaiian man stood in the window (I’m not making that part up, that’s actually from my memory, we used to stop at their drinking fountain while walking), but I believe that travel agency was gone as well. That’s all I remember. Maybe I need to return to the city for a day. More later.

I’m tired, thankfully, as I thought I would be up later tonight. A bit more work drama, but again, like yesterday, I’m not that horribly worried about it. You know, there is a sick and twisted part of me that misses worrying about it. I realize that probably doesn’t make sense, but staying up all night worrying about work bullshit at least gave me a sense of purpose. I hate that part of my mother in me. Tonight, instead, I’ll read Gatsby on the couch and get some sleep.
This morning I woke later than expected. I forgot to “spring ahead” the stupid alarm clock and missed hoops. Oh well. Anyway, I reached work but had one of those mornings in which I thought I would be productive but ended up in consultations long enough to keep me from getting anything finished before early afternoon. I answered all the student journals, at least, and worked through a couple action research chapters. I’ll try to finish the rest, along with next Monday’s prep, tomorrow. Later in the day I met with an action research student and cut out by 4:30. A cold rain was falling (a colleague described the rainfall as hail earlier in the day). Although I want the weather to embrace spring, and this rain felt more like late October than March, I liked the air’s bracing freshness. M left for a meeting not long after I arrived home. The boys and I hung out, watched some television (Ned’s Declassified, my favorite kids tv show), and pillow-fought upstairs. T was way wired, not sure why, but I had to lean on him a bit before bed. I’m worrying that I’m leaping directly to the “do this or no computer use tomorrow” point too quickly. I don’t know. I think I need to go back to the “what do you think is the right decision?” question. He looks so upset when I come down on him. Anyway, the boys fell asleep late, but at least they fell asleep. N’s hair is cracking me up lately. His curls are hilarious. After everyone was asleep I broke my pinball record (nine million), watched some of the Suns/Mavericks game, and caught half of a “South Park” episode.
Ok. Off to read. More later.

Some work drama today, but I’m dealing with the scenario surprisingly well. I don’t think it’ll keep me up all night. Maybe the fact that I’ve addressed this sort of thing before allows me to see the scenario as less of a stressor than in the past. I don’t mean to be cryptic, but I don’t want to go further than that with details. I feel a bit more grown up, a bit more leaderly, though.
Today was a good day, all around, I think. The temperatures passed sixty, easily, and a warm wind blew through town. I woke near eight, helped the boys get ready before they left for school, and opened up a few first floor windows. I love opening windows for the first time in the spring. I love the hope behind the gesture. I summarized an article for the dissertation, cleaned up some of the text, and decided to blow off work for a while and take Shadow for a walk. I bet we haven’t walked the neighborhood more than two or three times in the past few months. We cut through the woods, spotting four deer on the path near the creek. The deer gathered on the hill and watched us pass. The water, by the way, was loud and heavy with melted snow. I had to cross a few slippery patches of ice, especially near the shade. My phone rang, and I took a work call, which took away from the serenity some, I suppose, but I still enjoyed the walk. I ran into Chos downtown. We talked for a few minutes on the sunny side of the street while Shadow sat on the sidewalk. After I arrived home I ate a quick lunch before driving over to Blockbuster to drop off two films. I picked the boys and a neighbor girl up from school but discovered that T had an after school activity. I dropped S and the neighbor off at home, then drove back to pick up T. I didn’t mind. The day was gorgeous. T and I played football for a while in the back field while S and a friend walked way back in the forest, searching for rabbits. N walked with them as well, wearing his bike helmet. My kids are great. After dinner M and the boys hung out with the neighbors again while I played pinball. I just realized I haven’t watched television at all today. Weird. We silent read on the porch for a while, although T wanted to chat more than anything, before the boys went up to bed. I told them a story, and we talked for a while before they fell asleep. I might read Gatsby for a while before I fall asleep.
I didn’t put any effort into finding a therapist today. Tomorrow. Good night.

I’m home after teaching down beneath the city. I always have a hard time getting to sleep after teaching at night. Mondays are turning out to be long days. Today I arrived at work at 8:30AM, and I arrived home a bit before 9:30PM. At least tonight’s class went well. I don’t feel as if I have much fun teaching very often, now that I’m more of an administrator than a teacher, but I’m starting to connect with this class. I’m hitting a groove.
Yesterday was ok. I forgot to mention something about Saturday night, so I should address that first. On Saturday night, on the couch, I started to feel that intense wave of depression I know a bit too well for my liking, and, as I was falling asleep on the couch, M placed a blanket over me. I don’t know quite how to explain this, but that simple gesture meant the world to me. I was never that close to my mother, and (thank God) M has never been a mother figure, but I appreciated her caring enough to cover me, so I’d be warm, more than I can express. I need to think about that more. I don’t like feeling as if I need people, I don’t like feeling as if I can't live on my own, but just feeling like someone was there for me, someone I could trust, man, that’s more rare than I realized. I do know that I need to get into therapy, though. A couple of good days, after a breakdown, do not mean I have my shit together.
I can’t quite remember most of Sunday. I went out in the morning for a while, standing in the back yard as the snow melted. The boys played in the back field with friends while I channel-surfed basketball and read further into Gatsby. Late in the afternoon I drove to the plant store, bought eight plants, and hit my office. I repotted the little plants into larger pots and watered all the building’s plants. I like my office on the weekends. The building is so quiet and yesterday’s light, the first sunset after daylight savings, was a clean brown straight line. I played hoops in the intramural league (the captain missed everything on a free throw, I mocked him in a meeting today, probably shouldn’t have done that, felt like an asshole later) and arrived home just in time to tell the boys a story. A few quick bullet points:

1) Today the temps reached sixty and tomorrow the temps are supposed to be a bit warmer, even. Shadow and I MUST walk through the woods, even if my shoes get all muddy. I adjusted my schedule so I could be home. I’ll try to work on the dissertation when I can, then maybe I’ll sneak out at lunch for a walk.
2) I’ve been listening to Regina Specktor’s “Begin to Hope” non-stop. I like her quite a bit. I hate her video, though. Stupid VH1, stupid record companies, trying to turn every woman into Norah Jones. I like Norah Jones, but, c’mon, Regina Spektor is different.
3) I need to either order or buy seeds soon. I can’t wait to get into the garden.

Good night. More later.

I’m working at the dining room table while M eats breakfast. The sun is out, and the first floor is pleasantly, but not completely, messy. The Sunday newspaper is spread out on the dining room table, a cereal bowl or two are left as well, but the couch cushions are arranged and a blanket folded on the couch’s edge. M is about to take the boys to church. I’m skipping because the service appears dedicated to environmentalism, and well, I love my Unitarian Universalist status, don’t get me wrong, but you can probably figure out what a UU minister is going to say about environmentalism without actually showing up to the party. I don’t know, maybe she’ll challenge the congregation in particular with turning out the sanctuary lights or something. That would be interesting. But I’ll pass. I have a game tonight in the intramural league. Maybe I’ll drive down early and work on the building’s plants. Maybe I’ll stop at the plant store on the way and pick up a couple of new plants. The basement could use new growth.
Yesterday was ok. I drove to work early on a Saturday morning because I felt like getting out of the house and had forgotten the Friday organic food shipment in the downstairs office hallway. Later T, S, and I hit Half-Priced Books. I guess that means I drive 43 back and forth twice, but the day was pretty lazy, anyway, so I didn’t mind. The boys were excellent at the bookstore, negotiating with each other on a computer game purchase. I walked the stacks and picked up a five buck copy of Ha Jin’s “The Crazed” (I was reading a library copy but enjoyed the book enough to warrant a purchase) and a $1.50 copy of “The Great Gatsby”, which I haven’t read since high school. The book has come up in conversation here and there, so my interest was piqued. Anyway, after we drove home I hit the couch and read Ha Jin through most of the afternoon. Man, “The Crazed” is a great book. I know the book is set in China in a time of conflict, but I could relate a great deal to the main character’s inner conflict. I don’t often spend the afternoon on the couch with a book, as much as I love reading, because of all the other activities that make up the day, but I was more than happy to read through a bright sunny Saturday. Later I watched “American Hardcore”, a decent documentary on early 80’s American Hardcore music. I could have used less on the coasts and more on the scene as a whole, but isn’t the case in just about every cultural documentary that addresses an American movement? After dinner I read Gatsby on the couch (more on that as I continue to read, I don’t want to judge too early) and fell asleep early.
More later…everyone bouncing around me, hard to write.

I’m sitting at the dining room table while the kids watch a movie about a snowboarding chimp. N asked if I wanted to read books with him, but then he realized the boys were watching a movie they chose last night at the library, so he decided to watch the film instead. Oh well. I can catch up the journal.
Today was decent, but I didn’t get a chance to meditate. I also think I’m replacing some bad habits with others. I’ve been eating a ton, and I haven’t worked out since last Friday. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go for a walk. I’m not in the mood for the YMCA. This morning I woke a bit after six and left for work by eight. I stopped at a local elementary school and observed a student teacher at 8:20AM. She did a good job, and I learned more about polygons than I ever knew before. She was quite structured and explicit, which maybe the group needed in this case, I don’t know much about Math. I thought the plan worked pretty well. After I left the school I hit my office and worked through paperwork through most of the morning. I ate lunch in the university cafeteria (a lot of little kids present today) and started the schedule after lunch. Linda and I managed to work through most of next year, although the schedule fries my brain, but I’m glad we got a good start. I had a meeting about next year’s administrative end later in the afternoon, met with the student teacher in my office, and headed home. Oh, I also helped change a student’s tire in the parking lot.
Ok, ten bullet post:

1) I watched “Borat” a couple nights ago. I thought facets of that film, particularly the wrestling scene, were as funny as anything I’ve ever seen. I’ve got three other films, “Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down”, “School for Scoundrels” and “Stranger Than Fiction” on tap. Maybe I’ll watch one tomorrow night.
2) I’m very much enjoying Ha Jin’s “The Crazed”.
3) I think “30 Rock” is the most underrated show on television. Then again, I don’t watch a ton of television, so maybe I’m missing another show that’s even more underrated.
4) The temperatures are set to improve over the next few days. God, I can’t wait for this winter to be over.

Ok, only four bullets tonight. More this weekend.

Quite the interesting four or five days. When did I write last? Saturday? Ok, let’s
start with Sunday. I woke with the beginnings of stomach flu that became quite exciting over the course of the next first half of the day. Luckily M returned from NY by one, so as soon as she arrived home I shut down. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t sleep, I just sort of crashed on the bed and stared into space. At one point Mars, our black cat, and I reclined next to the window so we could take in the sun. The stomach flu wrecked me inside and out, literally, I’ll spare you the details. Anyway, when I woke on Monday my entire chest hurt. Now, I had anxiety attacks a few years back, when I couldn’t breathe, but this was different. On Monday I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. My entire breastplate was united in pain. Now, I didn’t think this was a heart thing, but the pain progressed through the rest of the day, so I hit the walk-in clinic late in the afternoon since I knew if I waited much longer I wouldn’t be able to address the issue until the morning. I explained my symptoms and, a couple minutes later, the doctor returned with four paramedics and a goddamn gurney! Apparently I had described a stroke/heart attack profile. I offered to walk to the ambulance, but apparently that’s against the rules, so the paramedics strapped me to the gurney and off we went. Now, I can understand why the doctor couldn’t let me drive myself (I could sue), but I don’t understand why I couldn’t just walk to the ambulance. I could see the ambulance near the door. We ran “hot” (lights, sirens, etc.) to the hospital, where I was put into the trauma room because all the other rooms were taken. While the room was large, with many interesting toys, the room did not have a television. I assume those in trauma are not interested in entertainment. The ER nurse was a bitch, but maybe she was having a bad night, I could see her trying to be nice here and there. The whole scenario was pretty boring and probably expensive. We’ll see. By the end of the night, after a slew of tests, the doctors figured something with my chest walls, probably related to the stomach flu virus, caused the problem, but they had to make sure. I get that. I just hope my insurance doesn’t kill me.
Yesterday I woke up with the same chest pain so I took an alleve. I worked off and on at home through the morning until, near noon, when T’s school called and said he was ill. He was totally faking, if you ask me, but I felt like too much of a hypocrite to say “stay in school” while I was sitting on my ass watching television, so I picked him up. I told him I needed an accomplice, anyway, for a project. We drove over to Radio Shack and picked up a twenty-five foot cable. When we returned home we put the dining room furniture in the living room and the living room furniture in the dining room. I think the scenario looks kind of cool, although the new dining room looks too expansive, almost sparse, and I already knocked my head on the light that used to be above the dining room table but is now above the couch. Later I visited my doctor, a completely old school, somewhat insane doctor who said everything was fine but wants me to schedule an additional in-depth stress test. M thinks I had pleurisy, by the way. The description of the symptoms does sound similar, and I did have a virus, so maybe she’s right:

http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/understanding-pleurisy-basics

Oh, I also read an interesting article on men and depression in the lobby Newsweek copy. I need to think on how to frame these next few sentences. I knew I couldn’t maintain this pace forever. In retrospect, I have probably evidenced some depression since a very young age. My “asthma” in high school, muscle spasms, all of that, I think my body has built in the stress response to the point where I’m on “go” about every second of the day. I also took an online depression test, from a reputable organization, and scored way higher than I would like even when I was careful to avoid exaggeration. I’m depressed. I like saying that, actually. I like owning the condition so I can move on from the condition. This has been a pivotal year for me, and I am optimistic. I’ve broken some huge bad habits that I won’t describe here (although I still eat like shit), and I think I’ve, well, I guess the right word is surrendered. I will need to think on the terminology further. I feel healthier acknowledging a potential illness. I worry about everything. But tonight I feel stronger and calmer, and I need to pursue this so the feelings remain beyond tonight. I know winter is ending, I know this winter has been a motherfucker, but I’d go through many of the same struggles, I think, even if I lived on the equator. Ok, more later, too much for tonight.

M is out of town, in NY visiting with her family, and I’m solo parenting the boys. I suppose we’re about halfway through the solo parenting part (M left yesterday at about nine and returns tomorrow at about 2), and I can’t complain. Well, yes, I guess I can. Yesterday I was exhausted, almost ill, and I think the lead-up to the weekend, the weekend itself, and the post-weekend all combine for a rough seven days. Last week I had to log two twelve plus days at work to get ready for taking off Friday (M was flying out Friday morning and the kids were off school). Then I moved right into solo parenting on a cold, dreary weekend. Then I hit Monday running with another twelve-plus hour day. Yesterday was tough…I wasn’t feeling well at all. However, my kids are very good, very well behaved, to the point where I almost felt guilty at how well they monitored their own behavior and created their own fun while I sat my ass on the couch. Television and video games help. The boys played the new Sonic the Hedgehog Wii game, created a massive drawing of a castle on chart paper, watched two movies, and played with their Star Wars guys. They’re upstairs, as we speak, playing with the Star Wars guys again. In an hour or so one of the neighbors might come over to play. T attends a birthday party after lunch, at a skating rink, and a babysitter arrives for a three hour stink at 2PM. The babysitter is expensive, ten bucks an hour, but she needs the money and actually seems to enjoy interacting with kids. I can rationalize the thirty bucks. I might hit the library and read for a while.

Ok, how many bullet points today…

1) As I mentioned above in the post, this end of winter weather absolutely sucks. Cold, windy, I feel like the snow will never end. I think the sun is peeking out a bit. We've seen so little of the sun that the windows seem to glow, like they'll melt soon. I would love an hour of sunlight. Oh, I need one of those huge light boxes they use above the Arctic Circle of whatever to combat seasonal affective disorder.

http://www.fullspectrumsolutions.com/light_boxes_55_ctg.htm?sc_cid=181&s_kwcid=light%20boxes377414836&gclid=CLvhgZKC2YoCFQgTWAodU1972g

They have a full spectrum light at the library. Maybe I’ll sit under it today while the babysitter covers the house.

2) Dan may visit with his kids tomorrow. Forgot to mention that.

3) We bought a new washer this week. M insisted on a “front loader” instead of a “top loader”. I don’t know. I guess the front loader is better for blankets that don’t fit in a normal top loader. I’m pissed at the local store (since closed, good riddance) that sold us our previous washing machine, which lasted all of four years.

4) Mary lent me the novel “Wicked”. I’m intrigued. I wouldn’t expect her to recommend that sort of book, but she mentioned that the author meditates on the nature of evil a lot. I’ll check it out.

5) I have two movies (“Marie Antionette” and “Stranger Than Fiction”) from Netflix. Maybe I’ll throw one in tonight after the kids go to sleep.

Let’s leave it at five bullets for now. More later.