A bit past ten, probably a good time for a post. Today was ok. I played hoops in the morning, just made it on time, after taking some melatonin (more on that later) last night and struggling to wake this morning. After hoops I stayed home and finished the action research chapter ones before M dropped off N at home. He sat on my lap while we watched "Diego" together. After that I drove to BD and finished my dissertation data collection, thank God, as I was starting to get bored of observing teachers. This teacher was great, in fact, all of them were excellent, but you can only do so much sitting and watching in addition to a full-time gig. After the observation I hit the office. I'm glad I went, I guess, as I was crazy busy until I left just after five. I was wired by then, not in a good way, and the highways were dark and dangerous. Apparently (I'm not kidding here) a truck spilled pigs' intestines all over the roadway on I-43 not long after I passed Good Hope Road. I didn't even bother going inside when I arrived home...S came out (looking unspeakably cute as he ran through the rain to get to the car) to the street, climbed in back seat, and chatted about his day while we drove to swimming lessons. We were slightly late, but I managed to read for about a half-hour. The lifeguard, a former student, ragged on S for climbing on a wall. She was in tough-teenager mode, I think. Later she commented about the good looking guys in the hot tub to one of her friends. Yes, that's what I want to hear from a lifeguard...way to pay attention, hon. Anyway, I was hungry and exhausted at that point, and poems started to surface in my mind. As soon as we reached home M left for a church meeting, so the boys and I watched "Curious George". I actually ate first and S decorated some cookies while T and N watched. We caught the second half, though. I liked what I saw. I also made the boys sit together on the couch because I worry that S is sometimes excluded from the mix. After the boys fell asleep I watched some of "Art School Confidential" until M arrived home. I checked the net (snow coming, I guess) and decided to write.

Ok, bullet posts before I read:

* Sometimes I read Borges' stories and I don't know what the hell they're about, but I like the stories anyway.

* I read this online article about melatonin that said depression can be a side effect. Now, if there's any side effect to which I'm pre-disposed, it's depression, and I haven't felt anything of the like after taking melatonin. In fact, I'm pretty damn giddy that I got a full night's sleep.

* Someday I will be able to shave without cutting up my goddamn face.

* I have two long days at work set up for tomorrow and Friday. Or maybe I'm just a wuss who complains when I have to stay in the office all the way until 5PM.

* I may be proactive and actually get my rear passenger tire replaced, my battery replaced, and my coolant flushed before winter arrives in earnest. Maybe I'll avoid roadside repairs this winter.

* My friend D's dad died yesterday. I haven't had to go to many (two) funerals in my life. I think I'm going to this one. I don't want to let D down. The conversation just before the death news arrived was interesting. More on that later.

4:20AM, up since three, didn't get to sleep until 10, will pay for my insomnia later. I considered taking some melatonin last night, but 1) I don't want to get in the habit of taking melatonin every night, and I took some the night before last, and 2) I had a couple beers during Monday night football, and I've read that mixing drugs is not always a positive experience.

Yesterday was a good day. I'm not a "stay in the office" guy, but I was behind my office door more or less from 8AM to 3:15PM. I answered e-mails all morning (tons of IRB questions) and caught up on various paperwork-related tasks. I also listened to some of the library CDs I've recently burned (M. Ward, New Pornographers) as well as some Tom Waits and Badly Drawn Boy. I completed my last dissertation interview (as long as my house doesn't burn down, my tapes lost, etc.) and drove home at about five. The sky, grey all day, fell dark enough for the streetlights by four. The boys and I played upstairs, we watches Scrubs (muting the potential corrupting parts) and some football. T stayed up later than usual and watched most of the first half. If he doesn't sleep well (unlike his dad) I'm in trouble.

No dreams to report. Should pray/meditate, or at least get back to sleep.

Quick dream write-up: I dreamt I was living in the house in which I grew up, but still working at Stritch, and I overslept and would be late. I tried to call everyone in the office, but the phone either did not work correctly or no one answered the ringing whenever I tried to call. My students (all males for some reason, my action research students from this semester) were wondering where I was. I knew this because I could see my classroom and office through a webcam on my computer. I finally got through to a couple students in my office, but they had to decipher my messages...I wasn't getting through clearly, as if I were speaking in code. This was incredibly frustrating, although I appreciate the idea that the students were concerned.

Rainy all day...hope the office is ok...skipped basketball this morning.

Almost 8:20PM, feels later, not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight. Melonin (Melotin? Whatever the sleeping pills are called, you know what I mean) calls.

I am writing in the upstairs bedroom, formerly N's room. I am bit worried my harsh typing is disturbing Viper, the Beta fish in the tank next to my laptop. I don't think they like water with much movement. I will try to type softly.

Tomorrow I go back to work after Thanksgiving break. The five days off were decent, but I'm glad they're over. However, I'm not sure I'm crossing back into anything that fulfilling by returning to work. I'm feeling that awful "fuck, I have to return to school tomorrow" feeling that's haunting middle schoolers throughout the nation as we speak. I don't get this feeling too often, but I've felt it more often this semester than in the past four years combined. There is nothing absolutely dreadful waiting for me tomorrow. No one, to my knowledge, will come storming into my office, out to get me. I just don't feel like going. Ok, let's break this down. My struggles over the past four months could be due to any one of these or any combination of these:

1. Work-related stress (the most obvious)
2. My struggles with developing who I am as related to my leadership style (connected to #1, obviously)
3. Exhaustion related to three intense years as the chair and fourteen intense years in the field of education.
4. Exhaustion related to dissertation data collection.
5. Some sort of evolution I feel as if I'm nearing, as if I'm on the cusp.

I suppose I could continue listing, but these five sum them the major possibilities quite well. Let me think about it. These work for now.

The last thirty-six hours have been tiring in their own way. We met my sister and her family at a waterpark in Sheboygan. Now, I have a tried and true "twenty-four hours is enough time in any waterpark" rule. In turn, I was leery of arriving too early in a desperate attempt to "get our money's worth" or whatever. We showed up at about 1:00PM yesterday, Saturday afternoon, and the waterpark was close to packed. I was ready to turn around and leave immediately but M had already checked into the room (which wasn't ready) and wouldn't have left anyway. We changed in a scummy (surprisingly scummy, considering the waterpark is only a year or two old) locker room and let the kids go wild. I chased N around for a while and sat at a table near the pool. One waterpark pro...the humid air quickly cleared my sinuses. After a while we got our room key. The room was large, larger than our first apartment. The space featured two TVs (not sure why, as they weren't that far away from each other, and watching two separate programs proved difficult) and a fireplace. Of course, between all the kids, the rooms were trashed within thirty minutes. I swear, an eighties hair metal band might as well have been staying over...food on the floor, sheets ripped off the beds, pillows everywhere, etc. We ordered pizza (Pizza Hut, yuck) and watched some television. Later we returned to the waterpark, much less crowded, and hung out until bedtime. I was worried about the sleeping arrangements, but except for an N nightmare (accompanied by full-volume screaming, of course) we were fine. The kids were up early, so I took a shower and watched some Sportscenter while they played. We did the buffet breakfast thing (M pointed out that the kids are well-behaved in these scenarios because they get their food in about ten seconds), changed, and returned to the waterpark. I felt badly for S, sort of caught in the middle, age-wise, with his cousins, so I went down the tube slide with him a few times. We had fun, although hauling the huge tubes up the stairs wrecked my left knee. I'm surprised kids don't get hurt in waterparks more often. Oh, the lifeguards had this disturbingly lifelike infant dummy they must use for training...it creeped me out. My brother in law and I talked about my crazy parents (reaffirming the wisdom of my decision to cut off contact with them, as far as I'm concerned) and, thankfully, the group in general decided to head home after lunch. S rode with me. We listened to the new Killers single a couple times while he ate granola bars. I could have crashed on the couch all afternoon, but M wasn't feeling well, so I hung out with the kids while football played on the television. T and I hung out in the guest bedroom for a while as S made a bed for himself out of a laundry basket. Oh, I also read from the Tikkural (sp?).

Why am I grinding my teeth now? What is my body trying to tell me? Can I transcend this drama? Good night.

Thanksgiving Update:

M is upstairs, watching "You, Me, and Dupree" on the television I moved into our bedroom. We haven't had a television upstairs in about five years, and then I think James and Melissa were the only people to use it (tennis finals or something). The tv, formerly of our living room, sits on the floor with the DVD player on top. I suppose the television's presence in our room is not the evil incarnate. It's not hooked up to cable, and it's in our room, not the kids'. I wasn't in the mood for the movie, not in an Owen Wilson mood, although Kate Hudson looks like a lot of girls who went to my Chicago high school back in the eighties, wore brown suede fringe jackets, smoked cigarettes, and never talked to me.

So Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because we do not have to interact with anyone other than our immediate (and by that I mean our kids) family. This year the weather is about forty degrees warmer than last year (maybe) and substantially less windy. We took the kids to the zoo in the morning. The zoo was practically empty; we had almost every building entirely to ourselves. The bird building was interesting, as were the new trumpeter swans (how do they stay warm in winter?). N ran his ass off, building to building, and the boys burned off some energy. Our timing was off, though, and we were psycho hungry by the time we reached home. M made lunch while the boys watched tv and I screwed around on the computer. Oh, we picked up a Christmas tree as well. I felt like a wuss because some teenager tied the tree to the roof of the van for me. M wasn't feeling well, after a while, so I dragged in the tree, set it up in the tree stand (somewhat reducing the "wuss" feeling), and set the boys on decorating the three with ornaments. They were excellent, playing with their findings from the Christmas bins, etc., while I started dinner. M woke later and helped the boys while I finished dinner. Here's the menu/verdict:

1. Pasta rolls: An old standby, worked well in the scenario, not sure why.
2. Acorn Squash stuffed with a blueberry/apple/brown sugar mixture: Surprisingly good. I'd make it for M.'s mother, even.
3. Turkey: M's party, not mine, but she seemed to like it.
4. Wheat rolls: Necessary.
5. Cranberry sauce from a can.: See #4.
6. Mashed potatoes: I made them this year, they turned out fine.

The boys absolutely refused to eat just about any of the food, which I found amusing but M did not. After dinner I took a bath while the boys played on the computer and in their room. I watched a little of the Cowboys game then finished MI3 (decent, esp. on fast forward). We skipped Elf, breaking a family tradition, but I'm afraid I would have had to rag on the boys to watch with me, and that wouldn't have been fun at all.

Today was good as well. I slept on the couch, hoping to sleep in the Christmas tree's glow, but M foiled my plan by unplugging the lights after I fell asleep. I have fond memories of sleeping in the light of the Christmas tree. Oh well. I have a month or so to sneak in a night with the lights on. N came downstairs while I was reading, about 5:30, so I set him up on the couch and left for basketball. I felt badly about leaving, but M was up, I thought, so I didn't think much of the plan one way or the other. I played decent ball, missing one important jumper on the baseline but otherwise acquiting myself well. Brief basketball math...I have been playing for five years at the Y in the morning (conservatively) once a week. That adds up to about 1800 games. Is that possible? Anyway, I returned home to find M on the couch, ill. Apparently she had fallen back asleep after I woke her. N came upstairs after Zaboo was over. I felt badly but not too badly. The morning passed quickly. S had a friend over, T had a neighbor over, but T wanted either to see a movie (Happy Feet) or buy a video game system (we're leaving towards Wii rather than PS3 due to the game price, number of games aimed at kids, and the controllers' ease), but I wasn't in the mood to leave the house, so he watched a movie on television (some Tony Hawk thing) while I ate lunch (leftover pasta rolls at 10 in the morning, so, I suppose brunch would be a better term for the meal), burned CDs, reorganized my CDs (moved a ton into the basement), and cleaned the office. Later, after M returned from Target, I started cleaning upstairs. I don't do small cleaning. I rearranged one bedroom, moved a ton of s--t into the basement, and showered. I also managed to knock out most of my laundry. Later I finished the latest Klosterman book. The book is decent, I'd rather it either 2nd or 3rd out of the four Klosterman releases, but I read the entire text in about six hours (if that). Books are usually great value, but at that rate, at 25 bucks cover price, I would have spent, what, about four bucks an hour to read the book? That's way more than usual. I know I read fast, but I'm not a savant or anything. I'm glad I snagged the book from the library, no offense, Mr. Klosterman. T and S drew on the newly cleared desk (some potential for a workspace) in the guest bedroom while I read. I laid between both while they fell asleep, watched the start of the movie, and here I am.

Tomorrow night we're at a waterpark. I'm not looking forward to going, but I'm due. No escaping the waterpark. I'll try to make the best of the experience. Good night.

Everyone asleep, only 8:37, not sure what to do. Pray? Maybe. I could go see Borat in forty-five minutes, but it's cold outside. I could turn on Mystery Train. Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

Tonight T was laying on my lap and I could feel his heart beating through my fingertips. I let him put his head to my chest and he could hear my heart. He couldn't feel my heart with his hands. I couldn't feel my heart with my hands. I do worry about my heart. I could be one of those "heart attack at 40" guys. This goes beyond basic health, by the way. There are a lot of fat guys who live older than me, and I'm not horribly fat. I'm starting to think something non-verbal, sculpting, something like that, is needed. There is no reason I should be sitting in my office, in the dark, at 8:40 at night gritting my teeth. Life is too good for that.

Quick dream note, before the vision fades away completely...this morning I was dreaming that I still lived in the house in which I grew up, and a bright summer rain, all silky and shimmery, was falling. For some reason I couldn't go outside and watch, and I was upset. Sidebar...I had a front porch, growing up, a stout cement one, that still served as a place to watch rain...I wonder if that experience contributed to my current love of meteorological phenomenon. Anyway, in the dream, I was searching for an apartment. I don't believe this has anything to do with me wanting a new place to live or to do get away from my family or anything. I think it has to do with the desire to create a new place to live, mentally, rather than the limited perspective, the tired walls, if you will of where I live now. Does that make sense? I need to check with Mary. More later.

5:45AM


Fell asleep early last night, surprisingly, after a long day of doing mostly nothing. Ten bullets to back it up:

* I bought a new tv Friday night. The new tv is not huge (32 inches) but it HD and LCD with a built in DVD player. I'm worried the new DVD player might be messed up...I'm still figuring it out and I can never tell if I'm pulling out the DVD/CD too early or pushing it in too late. Some programs seem to be much clearer and brighter (sports, esp.) while others are still blah. It seems as if programs broadcasted a particular way (HDTV?) are excellent, but programs that are broadcast, er, non-HDTV are still normal. Does that make sense? I'm going through buyer's remorse, too. I can't remember the last time I spent over 1,000 dollars on anything. I'm not just spouting a cliche. I literally can't remember. Doctoral tuition? Does that count?

* I am mildly obsessed with the first five songs on Neko Case's "Fox Confessor Brings The Flood". The CD reminds me a bit of the Jayhawk's "Rainy Day Songs" in that the initial tracks absolutely blow you away before a somewhat obvious fall in quality halfway through the disc. I'll need to listen more...maybe I'm missing subtle strengths or focusing on the great first tracks too much. I burned a slew of CDS from the library (Killers, M. Ward, New Pornographers) into which I haven't delved deep yet.

* This is Thanksgiving week. I haven't planned Thursday's dinner yet. Maybe today. Normally this is a great week at work...quiet, industrious, all that. However, I still have papers to grade, and I think I have four interviews/observations scheduled, so the only day open, at this point, is Wednesday. I hate that. We're also supposed to meet my sister and her family at a waterpark next weekend. I guess that's good...four days in a row at home would get boring.

* I can feel a walk this morning. I need one. This "walk every weekend, play basketball during the week" schedule is working well. I lifted last week also...should lift again tomorrow after hoops.

* I'm still going through a period which I don't read much. I'm not sure why. Exhaustion? I tried to delve into one of the Francis history books last night and only managed a few pages. Oh well. I trust myself with words and books. When I'm ready, the desire to read will return.

* Relatively drama-free week. I sometimes think I crave drama, or I have craved drama historically. This terrifies me, as my mother is very much that type of person, and there is nothing more terrifying for me than acting like either one of my parents. Meditation helps. Keeping busy helps, although lately I've needed at least one day to clear my head on the weekends. This morning we may take the boys to Discovery World. As long as I can walk first, and do laundry later, I'm a happy man.

* M and I watched "Accepted" a few nights ago. I must admit I liked the film against all logic and reason. We also haven't finished "The Break-Up" yet. We should finish that, and I need to reach the end of "Mystery Train" to get my month's worth of Netflix. I also want to send the films out tomorrow so Netflix sends something back Thanksgiving weekend. You know how the system works.

* I felt like I had to rag on T a lot yesterday. He was so hyper, so nervous. He's a wonderful kid, so social, so eager to please. I worry about people like that. I try to tell him that he doesn't need to prove himself so much, etc., but he's eight, I don't think he gets the concept. He changes the subject. He'll be ok, I think. I'm worried his teachers will suggest medication, and I can't be at his parent/teacher conference this week because of an observation/interview. I think they're a little scared of my questions at his school. I don't mind.

* If I fill the bird feeder near the house at 8AM, the birds have completely cleared out the bird seed by 2PM. They're fun to watch, ten or twenty of them at a time, bouncing onto the feeder, down to the railing, swirling away if I move too fast in the window.

* Frost on the cars this morning. Winter coming.

Really need to write, ten bullet post:

* I haven't written since Saturday, either because of or despite of the fact I'm feeling better both emotionally and physically. Sometimes my eyes open after dark periods, and I feel like I was an idiot, but at least I was the best idiot possible.

* Tonight M and I watched the first forty-five minutes of "The Break-Up". Some of the fight scenes were pretty intense. M pointed out that Vince Vaughn's hairline was receding. I don't know. I'll watch the rest of it later.

* I'm up to three books on St. Francis. Mary lent me "The Reluctant Saint", which looks good, and I picked up a book on Franciscan prayer from the U bookstore today, since today (payday) was the "employees get 20% off" day. I also bought a knit hat that might possibly be too small for my head. What's with these whacky kids these days, wearing hats that pull tight to your head?

* I burned some CDs from the library earlier in the week. Highlights...Neko Case's "Fox Confessor Brings The Flood", which I enjoyed quite a bit, and The New Pornographer's "Twin Cinema". The Case CD reminds me of the Jenny Lewis disc, with that "I listened to a lot of Patsy Cline in smoky bars late at night" thing, but sorry, Jen, Neko does it better, even if you're better looking. The New Pornographers is hard to describe. I'll save that for later. I also burned some Elliot Smith and The Wreckers (used to be The Homewreckers, but I think the record company made them change their name). I have the new Killers and M. Ward coming to the library this week.

* My dog, Shadow, is going through a weird licking phase. Don't know what's up with her. She's most insistent. My cat (of two), Cleo, is getting frailer every week. She's twelve and blind. Tonight, during the movie, she fell off the couch, but once I put her on my lap she seemed ok.

* Yesterday we took the boys to Bayshore, a recently renovated mall, after school. The mall, all outdoors, is pretty cool, actually, although I don't think I'd shop at most of the stores. They had a decent Barnes and Noble and women's clothing boutiques I've heard of but wouldn't enter without a reason, and I can't think of a reason that might ever enter my realm of possibility. They had a cool Christmas tree, too, outside, on a cold, grey day. The boys liked it.

* Last night I barely lasted a mile on the treadmill. My neck started to hurt. I also don't think I've made a jump shot, in morning basketball, in two weeks. I think my weight lifting is throwing me off, but I'm also curling a bit with my fingers and pushing to the right. I didn't think I was going to be able to play tomorrow (M had to make a school visit, I thought), but I apparently can. T wanted to come watch me play, but I don't think he's old enough yet, as the W/F games are pretty fast and hard. I don't want him getting too close to the action and getting nailed.

* 55% done with dissertation data collection. After tomorrow I'll be, let's see, 70% done. I need to catch up on transcribing. I thought I'd be able to catch up next week, but I've got interviews/observations scheduled both Monday and Tuesday. Oh well, at least I'm getting closer to the end of the data collection part. I'm worried about losing a tape or notes or whatever. I imagine that paranoia is pretty common.

* Oh, I also went to Trader Joe's, the new supermarket in town. It's a weird place...strange processed and organic food, but pretty cheap. The store was crowded, I accidentally parked far away from the store, and I was hungry, so I didn't get a good feel for the space. I'll go back another time.

* Thanksgiving week next week...I love Thanksgiving. I haven't thought about what I'm cooking yet. T says he wants turkey, I've been a vegetarian for twenty plus years. I'm looking forward to getting a tree, watching elf, and taking it easy at least on Thursday and Friday.

About 1:30AM. Hell, some people are still OUT, and I'm waking because I've been asleep for, what, close to six hours ago. My fault. I shouldn't have fallen asleep so early. In fact, I feel badly because I kind of stuck M (kind of, really) with the kids near bedtime. It's hard to comment, though, because I didn't plan on falling asleep early. I don't plan these things. I grew very tired while reading and, well, there you go. I was asleep. I sometimes think I lack a physical fortitude others have where wakefulness is concerned.

I'm not a Christian, as I think I've said before, but I'm enjoying this St. Francis biography. Allow me to transcribe a passage from page 106:

"Through their prayers the friars discovered new dimensions of life. Its events appeared quite different when viewed in the light of eternity instead of one day. They also found themselves looking at X-ray images, as it were, of their own souls and those of the people they worked with. These new perceptions might lead to unpredictable alternations of guilt and hope, or aridity and exaltation, but often culminated in a catharsis which invigorated their work and preaching."

I get that passage, I think, but not in a "eat dirt" Franciscan way, I should admit. I can feel intense joy and relief (like I did yesterday at the YMCA during basketball) and intense weight on my shoulders within a twenty-four period. I suppose I could be manic, making emotional progress, or some combination thereof.

A friend of mine said she thought I was almost out of the briars. That cheered me up.

This will not become a log of my depression.

These five days off have been good, I think. I don't think I'm one of these people who would need to be gainfully employed to stay busy. Anyway, more on that later. I want to talk about this morning now.

This morning I was up early, probably about six, and M and the boys were up not long after me. Saturday mornings, esp. when we have some sort of organized activity later in the morning, present time to kill. This morning I cleaned the entire first floor, burned some CDs, and filled the bird feeders. The boys were in the back field, snowboarding on a thin early layer of snow. I took T and S to basketball with two books, "Indecision" and the Francis biography. I read "Indecision" while S played hoops and T played video games in the prime time center. After the boys switched I read a bit from the Francis biography. I'm not sure why, or what the setting had to do with the feeling, but I was overcome with a sense of peace, of relief, that didn't quite fit the context. I don't expect that sensation while in a suburban YMCA, on the side of the gym, while sixty five and six year olds learn to dribble a basketball. I want to think about this further before I write more, but I valued the feeling quite a bit. I think the feeling's emergence had to do with three days during which I didn't have to worry about work much. I've been slowing moving some leaves away from the wall and into the sun. I hope I can carry that sensation into the week. It's very important. I don't want much in the physical world. I want that peace.

More later. T wants to be flipped.

Yesterday was a decent day. I decided to stay home from work again, so I graded papers before dawn, then took a health chance and drove to basketball at six. I played ok, although I was ready to throw up afterwards. Through the morning I read for a while (Francis biography) and answered e-mails. Then I drove to the library, read some more, and checked out a slew of discs I had on order and some books/movies for the kids. M and I watched "The Office" I had seen it already, but the episode was good enough to watch twice). At about two the skies were entirely gray and a slow ice drizzle began to fall. I put the Saturn in the garage and watched tv with N while M picked up the boys from school. N and I made cookies (the Heath bar kind, pretty good) while the other boys watched some tv and hung out after school. A full-on hail storm, complete with some of the loudest thunder I have ever heard, started around sundown. I mean, the windows were shaking, and the thunder carried with it elemental fear. Strangely, the kids didn't seem to mind. The kitchen seemed small and comfortable. M and the boys left in the middle of the storm to meet some friends at the YMCA. I decided this weather, icy, brittle snow and rain, falling like pebbles, was too good of walk-weather to skip, so I threw on my coat and walked downtown. The snow stung, and I wished I had worn a hat, and by the time I reached the Amaco station candy-bar sized ice pieces were lodged in my hair. I shook off as best as I could and bought a twelve back of Lienenkugel's light. The guy at the gas station, the guy shoveling the snow outside, commented on how I must have my priorities straight because I walked through a snowstorm for beer. I could have driven, but you know, I appreciate the sentiment, I guess. I walked home, left my coat on the entryway floor, and took a shower. Afterwards I watched some basketball on television and decided to get very drunk. I listened to Vic Chesnutt in the kitchen, waiting for M and the boys to return, and began drinking with midwestern earnestness. After M and the boys arrived home, S (he's six) drew on Christmas catalogs while I kept drinking and listened to an Eels mix CD. M was highly amused by my drunkenness. After the boys were asleep we tried to watch some CSI, but I was too drunk to follow much of it (I don't even remember the plot, something about spontaneous combustion, I think), so I went upstairs to read. As you can imagine, I managed about half a page before I gave up and fell asleep.

I had an interesting dream as well. All I remember is a plant, maybe two feet tall, with leaves all around it, but some of the leaves had faced the wall, away from the light, and had grown stiff and dusty. I think the dream means that parts of me, the creative, non-work side, has been facing the wall for too long, and I won't be happy until they face the sun. Good day.

3:08AM. I've been reading a great biography of St. Francis (details later, I'm writing in the dark in case one of the kids wakes and thinks the downstairs light is an indication morning is near). I just passed an interesting discussion of how seriously Francis and the people of his time took dreams and visions. Last night I thought, well, if I have dreams tonight, I should write them down. Here goes:

I was in Port, sort of an idealized Port, with the smell of saltwater, or at least Port early on a foggy summer morning where you like the fog but know it's going to burn off by noon. There was a convention center/hotel somewhere in town, and I was attending an NCATE (college accreditation thing) conference (well, it wasn't just NCATE, I think, but I can't sense what else it might have been). This arrogant literature professor was teaching, for some reason, the difference between two books called "Burn" referring back to his grad school days or something. I didn't like him. I was driving to pick up my mom somewhere, near the Port hill, when I wrote a beautiful song that sounded like a cross between Vic Chesnutt and Wilco in that it had four instruments, drums, piano, guitar, and synthesizers, repeating the same riff over and over again. My brother didn't like it, and I got mad, so I taunted his habit about using the word "hobo" in folk songs and he started to cry. I don't remember more than that. More later.

Ten Bullet Post!

* I'm almost down to the last of my kids' Halloween candy. I think the kids have actually grown tired of their stashes, but I'm still in love. Lately it's been suckers and lollipops, preferably some form of chocolate. I could do without the chewy center, though.

* Today I watched the last hour of "The Proposition". I liked the last hour quite a bit, so I'm glad I finished the movie rather than sending it back to Netflix early. I'm a Nick Cave guy, so I'm biased. I also watched the first hour of "Mystery Train". What a great movie...I had almost forgotten about it.

* I've been home sick most of yesterday and today. Of course, that means I go out on observations (yesterday) and answered emails and did a phone conference (both yesterday and today). Tomorrow I'm not doing shit, work-related or otherwise.

* I'm reading a good biography of St. Francis in prep for the Italy trip.

* The house is a huge mess. I know I will be feeling better when I start to clean. Almost there.

* We're in the midst of a day or two of comparatively warm (fifties and sixties) November weather. In fact, all the kids are out back, playing, although I can feel the cool starting to creep back into the air. We're set to reach the thirties again by Saturday.

* I should buy a new shower curtain, but I've pledged to avoid unnecessary purchases for the next month, and you know, we're not having visitors, so forget the shower curtain. It's only torn on one side.

* I wonder if "The Office" is new tonight.

* I don't think I listened to any music today. That doesn't happen often.

* The back porch is calling, even if I feel the need to wear an overcoat or something, despite the fact I'm wearing shorts.

Up at 4:30 = ten bullet post...

1. I've been listening to Vic Chesnutt's "Ghetto Bells" lately, esp. the track called "What Do You Mean?" What a weird-ass song. I could hear it over and over. The Van Dyck (sp?) Parks orchestration is brilliant.

2. My sleeping pattern is a bit messed up, but I'm ok. I've been falling asleep by 7, 7:30, and sleeping until 4 or so. Yesterday I arrived at work by six. I'll probably do the same today. The days are long, since I'm collecting data in the afternoon, but I can't complain much. I remember when I worked scheduled hours, back on days like this I just sort of zoned in the afternoon. Now I can come home and sleep.

3. Yesterday marked eleven months until Italy. I hit the Franciscan library where a nun recommended a biography. I read the first chapter last night.

4. Before last night I passed through a four or five day "don't read much" period. Those periods are rare but necessary, kind of like a runner taking a few days off to let her muscles rejuvenate.

5. Speaking of running, before dinner I ran three miles outside. I thought of driving to the Y after the kids fell asleep, but the air is still pretty warm (in the forties or so), and I was wired after a day of interviews/observations, so I threw on my clothes while the kids played with the friends and hit the streets. I was surprised at how far I went without stopping, actually. Despite the influx of Halloween candy I'm still in better shape than last year. I have to build on that.

6. I haven't been to Chicago in a while, and I don't know when I'll get to return, but I like my hometown at this time of year. Yesterday, while driving through Brown Deer, I opened the window and smelled the concrete. Ah, nostalgia. I was reminded of waiting for the bus, and waiting for the bus in Autumn was rarely that bad.

7. Feeling a bit under the weather today. Must drink tea as soon as I arrive at work.

8. I'm trying to unload some work responsibilities by the time spring rolls around. If I can get someone else to pick up an off-campus responsibility, I'll be relieved. Extra money is involved, so I'm not passing the buck without compensation.

9. I should watch a movie this week...Netflix is profiting off me more than usual this month. I need to finish The Proposition (disappointing, so far) and re-watch Mystery Train.

10. Shadow and I walked Sunday, crunching through the woods...glorious.

Ten bullet post, Nov. 3rd, 2006

1) I can't remember the last time I went out on a Friday night. Not that I'm complaining, but the very thought of getting in the car and going out on a Friday night now seems weird.

2) My eight year old son recorded a message over one of my doctoral dissertation tapes. Thank God I had already transcribed the interview.

3) Today was the first day I wore a real jacket despite fairly cold temperatures over the last week. Winter does not officially start, in my eyes, until I start wearing a jacket rather than sprinting from the car to whatever building I'm entering.

4) My eight and six year old sons are playing on the computer. My six year old said "You made me wet my pants" when the eight year old said something funny. Apparently they do pay attention to what I say.

5) I haven't worked out much the last couple days, and man, I can feel that. Add Halloween candy and it's a wonder I don't weigh 300 pounds.

6) I need a shower/bath tonight. I won't be able to sleep without that and Melotonin. I teach all day tomorrow. If I'm lucky I can kick out the students by two or so and get the hell out of my office. I'm missing my kids' first day of the basketball season to teach. Two Saturdays a semester...I guess I can live with it. Hell, the University is sending me to Italy next October for free. I have a feeling that mantra will be repeated much over the coming months.

7) Tonight is the first night I've thought about work much over the last week or so. I wonder if the return of that bad habit is tied to the fact I haven't worked out since Wednesday.

8) I'm still working through "Walden". I thought about using a 30% Borders coupon for something after work tomorrow, but there's nothing pressing I want to buy until Tom Waits' "Orphans" box set comes out later this month, and besides, I gave my friend Corey thirty bucks worth of basketball tickets because I don't want to go out Sunday night. I'm sure it'll all even out eventually. In fact, I could consider this payback for the free Brewers tickets my friend Terry floated the boys and me this summer.

9) I'm pretty broke right now, and I'm feeling guilty because I still owe my dentist some cash. I like my dentist.

10) Habits seem both hard to break and cultivate. More on this later.

Traveling To Conferences

My job requires me, at this point, to attend conferences of some sort a few times a year. Now, I'm not, thank God, one of those guys who stands at a booth and shills products, so I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm one of the guys who sits at a round table and pretend-listens to whomever is speaking. Allow me to divide my comments on the experience into two categories.

THE CONFERENCE ITSELF

Yesterday's conference was, I guess, sort of a big deal. Professional educators throughout the state converged on a Dells resort to address teacher education issues. You might think this would increase the chance of compelling interaction. You would be wrong. Here's the formula, repeated throughout similar gatherings, whether the gatherings pertain to accounting, plumbing, selling hair care products, whatever:

1) A harried but professionally dressed woman approaches the microphone and says she'd like to start on time. She then thanks everyone for coming, thanks the tech people (although your tech problems are hardly over, honey), and points out one or two of her co-planners by their first names. Their first names are VERY IMPORTANT. Using first names allows the speaker to A) make the conference sound like a backyard barbacue, and 2) create a conference "in crowd" of which you're not part. The speaker then says she's not going to talk long. This is the kiss of death. The more she insists she will not talk long, the longer she will talk. She will then outline the agenda, pointing out the breaks, and say A) we will be sticking to the timeline (we won't), and B) You will have a lot of time to talk in your team (you won't have as much as you think because speakers will run over). She then will introduce the first speaker, referring to some sort of local connection. Yesterday the speaker liked Wisconsin custard. Often the reference will start with a conversation at the hotel bar the previous evening, again reinforcing the "conference in-crowd" idea. The woman will eventually get the hell out of the way, saying "you didn't come here to hear me speak" despite the fact we just did for longer than we expected, throwing off the agenda before the first speaker opens his mouth.

2) The first speaker will start. Now, I have to admit, yesterday's first speaker was excellent. He'd been doing this for years, he didn't have the "it's all about me" attitude so common with speakers, and his slides were decent. However, he ran into initial tech problems in that his microphone rendered his speaking voice somewhere between the Jesus and Mary Chain's guitar feedback and an echo chamber. When this happens even thousand people will swirl around the speaker, trying to fix the problem, including one or two ambitious audience members aspiring to instant "in crowd" status. Yesterday a lapel microphone was the problem, so the guy graciously switched to a hand-held microphone without drama. I liked him.

3) Almost everyone in the room will be dressed for a wedding. Maybe the ballroom inspires the audience to pull out the formal wear. I don't know. I will be the worst dressed person in the room. I will wear jeans and a button-down shirt with sneakers. I am also usually the youngest person in the room.

4) Sooner or later (usually sooner) a bad speaker starts. Yesterday's bad speaker was set up for a fall, it seems, to be fair, in that the organizers asked him to share a ton of information very quickly, and his comments were so broad and surfacy that they lacked meaning. He was sweating, too. He knew he sucked.

5) A panel will take place at some point. Yesterday's panel featured three male speakers and was set to run forty-five minutes. The first guy was still outlining his opening comments fifteen minutes into the panel. Alas, no question and answer time for us without pissing off the lunch set-up people.

6) Now, I have the worst conference ADHD imaginable. I get up. I walk around. Yesterday I went to see the waterpark. I checked four times on my room status. I called work and left silly messages for my coworkers. I read a stray newspaper. I drove through the Dells. Now, I know I probably should have stayed, as I'm getting paid for attending these things, but I already knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want to waste my time. There are advantages to workplace longetivity. I've worked at one place long enough to walk away from these things without fear. A poor bastard in front of me looked new, however, and he had to sit with his dean at the table and take notes and utter pleasantries.

7) I'm missing a smaller meeting at the same hotel this morning. The smaller colleges were getting together to talk about some issues. I've been in these killer meetings before...grandstanding faculty, self-important discourse about bullshit issues, and the larger meetings' problems in microcosm. F--k it. I checked out and drove home.

TRAVELING TO CONFERENCES

I am a horrible traveler. I'm surprised about this development, honestly. However, I am notorious for heading home before my scheduled departure. In the past few years, I've returned early from the Badlands (solo vacation), San Diego (conference), and about five other small state conferences. Next October I'm set for ten days in Italy, for work, so we'll see how that works out. I won't be able to jump in the car and drive home.

I think the general proximity of state conferences heightens my desire to return home. Yesterday I realized I could be home by six thirty if I left by four, and ten minutes later I was on the highway. I felt like I was moving at 200 miles an hour with nothing in my trunk. The sun started setting, as we're just past daylight savings time, but I didn't mind. I was headed east, and the full moon would hang as a target, rising as I drew closer to home. I passed through Horicon, Wisconsin, a town that absolutely fascinates me. I'll save that for another post. My kids were watching tv when I walked in the door. They didn't care much that I was home, but I was thrilled to see them, rather than a standard hotel room with iffy internet access and a buffet breakfast. I think I'll stick around for a while and leave the conferences to the guys in suits who nod their heads enthusiastically when the woman at the start says we'll stay on task.