So today’s the last day of February. I like March, in theory, at least, especially when the rains beat against the window and leaving the house is an act of faith that the winds won’t carry you away and deposit you in a yard four blocks north. Today feels like February, no, a mix of February and November, really, all grey and gross with old snow and, yes, we could use either sun or rain, one or the other, but not this endless gunmetal sky. I wish I had a full spectrum light. An hour in the glow would benefit my very cells.

So what’s up today? And last night? Well, I tried to drink last night but mostly failed. 3 and a half stale beers (cleaning out the fridge) in less than an hour and my stomach was turning. The Wii room called, where I read travel essays and crashed early. This morning I woke by 3:30. You know, waking at 3:30 doesn’t feel weird to me anymore. Is that wrong? Still, the hours before dawn passed easily, no complaints, caught up on scrabble, answered email, graded papers. N was up early, watching Tom and Jerry. Oops, I addressed some of this a couple posts back. Consider this paragraph confirmation and expansion. At 7AM on Sundays I usually walk in the Y as the doors open, but I needed to wait until the afternoon to lift, so I showered and hit the coffee shop to finish grading papers. Those couple hours of space make all the day’s difference. Corey’s right. When M called, asking me to return so she and T could take Mack/Pete to the dog park, I was calm and ready for the day. N and I mixed a chocolate cake, poured the batter into the stadium mold, and set the mold in the oven. Pics below. Later I did thirty minutes on the stairmaster and full legs/upper body/abs except for one leg machine because old people take too fucking long at the YMCA. The boys had friends over through most of the afternoon so when I wasn’t mixing frosting or sifting powdered sugar (a near orgasmic experience) I was looking through the travel section for trip ideas (northwest rain forests?) and reading travel essays in the humidifier-supplied bedroom. My sinus thing is backing down.

So I’m praying a little more, too, in little moments, when I’m waiting for the microwave to count down, or losing focus when reading, moments like those. I’m calm today, and feeling calm is novel. Good day. More later.

Two quick cake pics...worked with the baker's chocolate today...and had a shot at the new sifter and stadium mold...

I'm in the coffee shop, 8:29AM. I've been here since a little before seven. All my papers are graded, even the resubmissions. Glad to get that off my plate, but now, my God, what do I do with my Sunday? I've finished my laundry. I could clean the office and put more music on the Zune. I could write James and Sean a letter and send it through the real mail. Oh, I'm due to burn some discs and send them careening across the country to various and sundry mailboxes. I have to work out and maybe watch the big hockey game. Make a stadium cake with N...that might happen. At least I was up way early so hopefully I'll fall asleep early. Oh, and I should finish cleaning the fish tank. So I guess all that will be a couple hours. I don't do well with free time. I'm breathing.

Ok, I need to use a visual concerning something on my mind last night. Imagine a hand with a very tight grip on my heart. That's all the stress/pressure I put on myself. When I let go, the muscles on the heart expand, and I feel pain. Do you know what I mean? It's like when someone's holding your arm tight, then lets go, it almost hurts more when they're not touching you? I know I'm making progress when I can let go of the pressure and I feel that pain (physical pain, to be clear) in my heart. It's like the stress leaving the muscles releases pain. And the easiest thing to do would be to tighten again because that's comfortable and habitual. But I won't. Promise.

This morning has been ok. N, S, and M were all up early, by 5:30, and Nat curled up on the couch to watch Tom and Jerry. I caught up on scrabble, ate breakfast, took a shower, and headed over here.

So I'm in the coffee shop now. Cloudy again. A group of about fifteen guys just left the hotel across the street, outside my window, they look like they're on some guys' weekend or something. One just took a picture of the harbor. The temps are a little warmer, at least, around thirty, and I'm not wearing a jacket, just my grey pullover. I'm listening to Sparklehorse ("Cow", one of my favorite songs by them, with the utterly nonsensical chorus of "Pretty Girl...Milking a Cow!" over and over again). Have a good day. More later.

7:27AM, coffee shop, listening to the Buzzcock's Single Going Steady, getting ready to grade papers. Life is good.

A couple pics from T's games...he's #6.

Why hello, everyone. I’m at the Homestead High School gym watching T’s penultimate (penultimate means “last”, right?) basketball games of the season. His team lost the first something like 35-4. They stink. The second game starts in twenty minutes. Then we’re done and can drop The Hurt Locker off at Blockbuster and go home.

T just told me I have bad breath. Thanks, man! And some of these parents are WAY into the game currently taking place (it’s a tournament, so T’s waiting to play, in case you’re wondering about the multiple game references). Dude, relax. Stop yelling “traveling!” every five seconds at the refs.

The last few days have gone pretty well. Thursday was long but I slept Wednesday night and scheduled mostly lab work for my classes so all I had to do was look over my students’ shoulders to make sure they were on the right track. I’m tired, though. How many credits am I teaching this term? Let me count. Fourteen. That’s a hell of a lot, really, overload even without the chair responsibilities. I was only supposed to teach ten this term, but M.Z. couldn’t teach her afternoon ASL one. At least I’ll get a decent overload check over the summer.

More later. Game about to start.

God, I love this song...The Mountain Goats...Your Belgian Things...off We Shall All Be Healed.

A rare weekday entry, killing time in the back office at work. No one knows I’m here. Ha!



So I’ve been awake since about 1:30AM, but I only need to get through one more class, starting in an hour, then I can go home. Well, I’m picking N and S up from school, but that’s ok. Maybe I’ll go to the gym tonight. I don’t know. Oh, I should lift, too. I guess I can put that off until tomorrow, but I’ll mess up Sunday a bit (don’t ask, it’s all about how many days are between sessions so muscle can recover). I’ll live.

So what did I do in the middle of the night? I graded papers, answered email, and watched tv both on the, uh, television and on the computer. I decided against working out early because, well, every muscle in my body hurt. I didn’t think I was going to get out the door. After a shower and some breakfast I got into automatic word mode and went through the motions at the office. What’s the phrase? Fake it until you make it? I fake it very well, ladies and gentlemen.

I don’t have much to do over the next hour. Get some caffeine, maybe. I’m worried about sleeping because I might not wake in time. I suppose I could ask Suzie to wake me. But that would be weird and she’d tell everyone up and down the hall I’m sleeping in the back office. I’ll pass.

Ok, maybe I’ll read a little. I’m listening to The Cure’s Greatest Hits. Today is rough. I’ll survive. Have a good day.

Three quick pics from yesterday morning...snow's pretty, but it can go away now, thank you...

My oldest son is finishing his Science homework on the other end of the table. Two dogs are wrestling through our feet. M and the other boys are upstairs for reasons unknown. I’m ok. After 5PM. I’m thinking of watching the USA/Canada hockey game with the boys, but I’d be just as happy reading in the bedroom upstairs, where I’ve left the humidifier running all day. The space probably feels like a greenhouse by now. I love that air.

Last night I crashed early, by 9PM, after reading essays from that travel book. This morning I rose by 5, drank coffee, read the paper, and watched some of the news before getting gas for the car and walking into the gym as the doors opened at 6AM. Thirty minutes of the stairmaster and upper body weights/abs later I returned home, downed the yogurt/protein powder, and took a shower. By 10 I started laundry and downloaded a dozen or so old CDs onto the Zune. When was the last time I heard The Cure’s Greatest Hits? Not sure. I’ll listen tomorrow. After a quick quesadilla lunch I started in with the cakes. Man, I tell you, nothing calms me down lately like baking. I’ve said that before, I don’t care, I love the feeling of holding the mixer while the batter thickens. N helps, usually, with the spatula on the sides. See results below, by the way. I needed runnier frosting, apparently, which makes sense. I did not know runnier frosting existed. Must explore recipes. Maybe we should have just dusted it with powdered sugar. That would have worked, too. Hm. I learn a little more every week. That’s what baking is about, right? Ok, I also made simple pasta for dinner and read about Christianity in the middle ages. I can do my homework tomorrow. I’m glad I had a chance to read quietly, though, as the house seemed consistently loud again today. I’ve got to get out more. The coffee shop isn’t this loud, you know? M was out of the house most of the day, either shopping or with one of the kids at the coffee shop. I’m particularly sensitive to noise lately, for whatever reason, and Corey keeps saying he can handle the rush of his existence better when he builds time away from the currents. I agree. I should be smarter about these patterns by now.

So tomorrow should be easier since I hit the office yesterday. Tuesday should be easier still. What are we starting? The sixth week of the semester? I can live with that. Feb. 21st. One month until spring. Get some sleep. Snow is coming.

Two cake pics!

We used the new castle cake mold to make little castles and then decorates them different colors (green for the grass, blue for one kingdom, red for another kingdom). All from scratch. Boys did the decorating very fast. Here are the results:

Once again at the dining room table. I’m listening to Explosions in the Sky. I wonder if Mau ever heard this band. He would have loved them.

T is off at Aaron’s, M is picking him up at six, while S and N are across the street playing with Jess and Abigail. They should be home soon, don’t you think? Dusk has fallen and, unless Dawn made them something, dinnertime has passed. The dogs are crashed on the couch/ottoman. Welcome to Saturday night. I can’t remember the last time I went, you know, outside on a Saturday night. I’m not bemoaning that fact. What’s the big deal about outside, esp. during February in Wisconsin? I guess I could drive to Borders or something, or even deeper into the city, and feel the time well spent. I remember driving around Chicago at night, just to drive, especially in the summer. But I’ve already driven up and down 43 today. So I think I’ll take a bath and crash early. Maybe I’ll drink a beer.

So what have I done since waking? I rose near 5:30, watched some Ace of Cakes with N, and caught on the idea of putting in a couple office hours. Now, I know, I know, I’m trying to avoid the workaholic thing, but I’m not in denial when I say the 180 calm, productive minutes I spent at work today were equal to an entire day during the week. I get more done when I can play Mogwai or Tift Merritt (both part of today’s soundtrack), clean my shelves, and answer email uninterrupted. By 11:30 I was ready to return home. After a shockingly unhealthy lunch of tater tots and fake chicken nuggets (I had an orange too, don’t yell at me) I got online to look at baking supplies. On a lark I looked up the cookie store in Cedarburg and discovered they sold baking supplies as well. I tossed N and S in the car (T was at a hoops tournament) and drove over for a look. We scored a cool castle mold I was going to buy online but found a couple miles from my house:

http://www.amazon.com/Nordic-Ware-Cast-Castles-Cakelette/dp/B000QYJQIW

S and N had fun checking out all the weird pans and decorations. We snagged a couple cool sprinkles varieties, too, and we’ll probably experiment with castle cakes tomorrow. Stay tuned. I like listening to the boys talk in the car. They debated the pros and cons of summer while N read the passing signs (“speed limit…Pizza Hut…Mint Chocolate Chip”). We stopped at a candy store where, inexplicably, both boys chose Now and Laters. Now and Laters are gross. The boys hustled upstairs to play Wii as soon as we got home but within a couple minutes Dawn called and invited the boys across the street. I watched the first 45 minutes of The Hurt Locker, ate eggs in pita bread, and here I am.

Ok, I want to write about something hard to articulate. I realized, after how happy I was getting so much done in the office, like a total weight off my shoulders, and how wonderful I felt searching out baking decorations with the boys, that, well, I don’t feel that happy very often. Maybe I need prescription drugs. But I spend a ton of time enduring my existence until I can get to a calm, quiet place, both emotionally and physically. I want to think on this more. Calmly. Quietly. Maybe in the bath. Have a rocking Saturday night. I’m trying not to grit my teeth. Why I would, now, is beyond me.

I’m working at the dining room table, downloading music onto the Zune, while the dogs chew rawhides, T plays facebook games, and the other two kids are upstairs doing…something. God knows what. Quiet up there.

Hold on, I’m taking off my socks. There. That’s better.

I’ve got the lights down low and Lucero’s playing. M should arrive home from an IEP meeting any minute. Allow me to set the scene.



So today was “long weekend” Friday. I have no idea from where “long weekend” emerged in university culture, but I’m sure as hell not complaining. I was off today. What did I do? Well, I woke a little before five, watched some Ace of Cakes with N, drooled over Robin Meade, and lifted weights. After the boys left for school, I hit the gym for thirty minutes on the stairmaster, leg weights, and crunches. 9:30AM arrived by the time I finished showering. I answered emails and caught up on scrabble. I planned to watch Zombieland but the library copy didn’t function. Instead I answered more email and played more scrabble. At 11:50 I met Jim at Dockside for lunch. The restaurant is a veritable school district hangout Friday about noon. We sat at a back table and gossiped quietly. The sun was out, bright, and I hardly needed a jacket. When he needed to return for his afternoon classes I drove over to Grafton. I’m still not used to working the Zune while driving and I felt like I was going to barf while setting up the Lucero. Why does the Zune fail to remember the volume settings? What am I missing? I bought prodigious bags of flour, sugar, and powdered sugar, along with yogurt, etc. before stopping at Pick and Save for food coloring. The weekend promises more cake experimentation. Stay tuned.

And the rest of the week? Ok, I guess. Every week I feel like I’m slowly digging out from underneath the pile and if I have another five days I’ll reach fresh air. Although I was careful about the workaholic habits, esp. today, I could probably benefit from a couple hours in the office this weekend to get my shit together before the start of the week. I’ve also stayed off the computer in the evenings, instead watching tv with N or hitting the bedroom (can I get some Ambien? Please?) early. The boys are fine. I told T to toughen up today. Yes, I used the phrase “toughen up”. He goes to the health room too much at school. I think he gets bored. No excuse.

Oh, I’m deserting that godawful Sookie Stackhouse book. What a steaming pile of horseshit. I’m bouncing back and forth between Faulkner and a collection of travel essays.

Early grey now. Good night.

I’m at the dining room table, Sunday night, 6:40PM. A candle burns (some…pumpkin kind, I think, it’s orange, anyway) to the laptop’s right and my class text sits to the left. I suppose I should do tomorrow night’s homework. Now, I’ve read all of a fifth of the chapter, but that never stopped me from completing grad school assignments before. I’m taking this class for fun, right? Sorry, Dr. D.! I doubt you’ll ever be able to tell I’m skimming the chapter.

So today was busy. I woke on the couch at 6:30 or so when the boys moved around upstairs enough to alarm the dogs. A cup of coffee later I was at the gym knocking out thirty minutes on the stairmaster before upper body weights and abs. After breakfast I started laundry, watched Anthony Bourdain’s Hudson Valley episode, and started cleaning. M and the boys left for The Lightning Thief after lunch. I fired up the new Zune (more on that in bullet points) and watched the excellent A Serious Man between download checks. The movie concerned a Jewish professor’s midlife issues, so outside from the Jewish part I was on familiar terrain, and Coen brothers rarely disappoint. Great film. The house was still quiet so I wrote a quick review of Fante’s 86’d and starting baking a chocolate cake. I forgot to put in baking powder (need to pay more attention to recipes that call for baking soda AND powder) but the end result turned out fine. After the cake I made Italian veggie rolls. Cooking was fun today, really, and staying busy was probably smarter than I intended.

And the rest of the week, you ask? Shall we go with bullet points? We shall.

• Tuesday afternoon through Saturday afternoon became my longest non-workout stretch, I believe, in 21 months. I suppose I was sick once or twice but I don’t think I missed an entire week. This stretch, however, emerged from exhaustion, both physical and the celebrity kind, in which I felt mentally drained and needed to sleep for about a week. So I canceled Wednesday’s class/meetings and made this week’s cake #1 (see below), setting the mixer on fire in the process, but still taking the day more or less easy. I need to change some professional behavior; I haven’t taken a complete day off in many years. This dissonance, I trust, will lead me on the right path. By Saturday afternoon I was back in the gym rhythm.

• Winter is starting to wear me down. No particular event has caused this reaction, but the sense that every single fucking day I walk into the cold, well, I assume you know what I mean. But we’re past the worst of winter. I’ll be ok. I feel the same way in September as far as summer is concerned.

• Oh, I bought a Zune. The first few days with a new device of this nature are always frustrating. How the fuck do you load music on, you know? After screwing around with the files and sync settings I’ve managed to add 150 albums.

• I’m reading the first Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood novel. Honestly, the book sucks, way sucks, but I’ll finish, the end is near. I think I’m starting Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying next. A GR review renewed my interest.

• What else? The kids are watching the Olympics. Oh, I skipped Mary’s party last night. I am one anti-social motherfucker. But the day had grown so busy…two kids had basketball games, one had swimming, add a birthday party and lunch with a friend and fuck it, get me home early.

• I feel like I’m forgetting something but I can’t remember now. If I’m responsible I should finish my homework, take a shower, and lay out tomorrow’s clothes. Maybe I’ll throw on the Goldberg Variations and turn out the lights. Have a good start of the week, ladies and gentlemen. More soon.

Cake #2 for the week: Ok, this picture didn't turn out all that well, as I didn't move the cake to another plate for presentation purposes, but it's all chocolate, through and through, with turtles on half the cake because N doesn't like turtles and he requested part of the cake remain turtle-free.

This week's cake #1, creamy white frosting covering yellow cake, peanut M and Ms in Valentine's colors:

Quick, melatonin-influenced dream. I lived in a Chicago high-rise, and I couldn’t figure out where to park my car although I assumed the place had free parking for residents. I had to get to Northeastern for a class (taking or teaching, not sure) but I had time to kill, I guess, so I was meeting James for dinner at a nearby Mexican restaurant. Rain was falling and I was considering getting rid of my car since I couldn’t figure out the parking issue and I thought walking would be good for me. My apartment was tiny and glass-walled, exactly the kind I hated. You know I’m afraid of heights. The restaurant was similar to one from a dream a few weeks back in which I lived in Hyde Park, but that’s a different dream, let me stick with this one, and in this dream the restaurants was long, a series of small rooms, and I sat in one and waited for James while listening to a non-existent Tom Waits record.

Back to the real world. Snow this morning. Can’t handle the gym, but I don’t want to falter. More later.

Holy Christ, the house was loud today. The dogs have rawhide now, at least, so Mack’s curled up next to me on the couch while Pete ran off to the office with his. N is under the covers giving a running commentary on the Puppy Bowl reruns. M, S, and T are dropping off friends then hitting Pick and Save for Super Bowl supplies. I think we’re having pizza then cutting up the cake pictured below.

So I wrote at 7PM last night. What’s happened since then? Let me think. Last night I lifted weights before reading the first chapter of Ballard’s Crash. I’m not sure I’m up for the book now. I mean, Ballard’s excellent, but to move from Fante to Ballard, well, and a slew of other similar books in my recent reading history well, you know what I mean. Maybe I’ll check out the Ace of Cakes book for a couple days of easy reading until a book calls me. This morning I was up by three-thirty but not in a bad place. I did the online circuit and drank coffee until N woke at six. We watched cooking shows until M was up and I hit the gym for the 7AM opening. I did 625 calories on the crossramp, followed by abs, then hit the supermarket for flour. Pick N Save has a shitty tea selection, too, rendering necessary a drive to Grafton’s Sendik’s. The tea supply isn’t completely cashed, however, so I should be good for another week or so, and I’ve always got Twinings. After showering and eating breakfast I started the “from scratch” cake and frosting and cleaned out the baking cabinet. You know what I’ve discovered? Loud music goes well with baking. The dogs went fucking apeshit while S’s friend Ray was over, but I managed to tune out the distractions and wrote tomorrow’s reflection on the role of church structure in the Pre-Constanine church. I’ll need to revise in the morning, though, as I hadn’t read the chapter in detail and I put together my assertions based on, well, skimming and bullshit. Too loud around here today. Glad the visitors are gone and the dogs are calming.

This week looks busy but manageable. Assessment is the wild card. I’m not sure about this transition from rubrics/performance assessment to standardized tests. I could add another activity Wednesday…I think we’ll go that route. But then I’m not sure what to do Friday. We’ll see. And I have a busy Friday, afternoon meeting, and a couple other concerns here and there. I’m worried I won’t sleep. Melatonin? Doesn’t always work. Alcohol? Worth a shot. Tonight is the Super Bowl, after all, and as an American I feel obligated, or at least licensed, to knock down a beer or two.

Colts in a blowout, by the way. Have a good start of the week. The bathtub calls.

We made a cake today, from scratch, even, both cake part and frosting! The scent permeated the entire house. I'm not sure why one picture is sideways...my bad...but T and N decorated the cake with army men and frosting blood. They also wrote "AOC" for "Ace of Cakes" and "Bob" for "Bob".

Ok, later, 7:12PM, although for the hour seems much later than 7PM, truth be told. M and I just returned from Alterra’s in Grafton, and whenever we get home after going out the hour seems late. I’m not accustomed to leaving home after dark, I guess.

So today turned out ok. I fell back asleep around 4AM and slept until 7, then laid in bed and stared at the walls until M came in to remind me I was taking S to basketball at 9:15. So I was in bed for twelve of fourteen hours. Yes, that’s healthy, sure. I showered and gulped some coffee before hustling S over to the gym at the elementary school where I worked four years as a reading specialist. Turns out his game didn’t start until 9:30, so we shot baskets until a critical mass of small children sent me into the corner to finish 86’d. Once done I still had thirty minutes to kill so I told S I was slipping out and got some high quality coffee at Smith Bros. A quick ride back and I stood in the gym doorway, talked with Amy (one of S’s friend’s mom) and watched S play. S was doing fine, and his team won, so he was in a good mood. We stopped at the library on the way home. I picked up the Ace of Cakes book and S picked up some books on dog breeds because he wants to figure out Mack and Pete’s lineage.

I hit the gym mid-afternoon for 600 calories on the hellspawn crossramp. I love kicking that machine’s ass. Later I wrote an End of the Affair review and played Facebook Scrabble until leaving for Alterra’s. I had an espresso, but I’m still tired, so whatever, coffee loses tonight. I might hit the bedroom with Crash (the book, not the movie) in a few minutes.

So this was a tough week, really. My energy level is way down. What’s wrong with me? I sometimes think I don’t know how to pace myself, or that the cumulative effect of forty years of defensiveness have taken their toll, or that I have some fatigue-related disease, or I’m just a fucking wuss. Maybe some combination of the above. Maybe winter has broken through my skin. I’m teaching ok, I think, but if you put me a meeting that doesn’t have a clear purpose you’re going to have to handcuff me to the chair to keep me from bolting for the door.

More tomorrow. Good night.

Struggling with some darkness tonight, as well as feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. Up at 3:01AM. Lucero running through my head. I’d put on Tennessee but I think I left the disc in the car. Do I want to run out through the snow to get it? Not sure yet.

Anyway, I’ll wrote more later, but I wanted to get down a dream from an hour or two back. Shadow and Monroe were still alive, and I was trying to get both of them to a nonexistent hotel near the corner of Harlem and Higgins in Chicago. Neither had leashes so I was mostly carrying Monroe and talking with Shadow to make sure she was sticking with us and staying out of danger. And at first we were going to stay at a boutique hotel but I decided they probably wouldn’t accept pets and instead crossed Higgins a lower rent hotel, the kind where the room doors open onto a parking lot. I was talking with a kind woman at the desk (which for some reason was outside, too) and she seemed willing to let us stay but even if we did I knew the hotel would only provide respite, really, a place to crash and crash hard on the bed together until we had to find a way home later.

More later.