I’m on the futon listening to Wild Nothing, waiting for the chocolate/toffee bars to cool on top of the refrigerator. The kids are scattered throughout the house and neighborhood and M’s out. Where did the dogs go? Not sure.

Today has been interesting. I found out that the U doesn’t need me to take on the role as director of teacher education. Let me back up a bit. I’ve turned down the Associate Dean role and told the administration I would do the TE director if they couldn’t find anyone else. Another guy was interested so I’m off the hook. Still, I admit I feel weird about not taking either gig. Historically I would have jumped at either as a status and self-worth providing opportunity. But after the last year, and pushing myself for decades, I’ve come to believe that behavioral pattern no longer works. And although I’m sure I would enjoy facets of either position there would be too many days when I wasn’t home with the kids or didn’t have time to interact with students when I would curse my idiocy for agreeing to the responsibilities. So today, for example, I have the afternoon more or less open. No meetings, nothing big going on, etc. My classes are small this semester and I’ve taught them before. Maybe I’ll go for the next level of rank, maybe I’ll write, maybe I’ll sit on the couch and watch movies. I’ve got time. I think I made the right decision.

What else has been happening? The evil, homicide-inducing hot weather has pulled back, thankfully, although I don’t think we’re done with the wrong end of summer. I’m ready for cool, cloudy fifties and sixties. We’re back in the basement offices at work but rumors abound about a move to the second floor of the main building. I don’t care either way, but I’m glad to be out of the shit temporary offices. After Friday morning I’ll be ready for the semester’s start. The only slightly weird difference is the fact I’m going nearly completely paperless this semester, so I have to grow accustomed to not carrying stacks of crap to the classroom on the first day.

I’ve been reading Celine and keeping up with working out, mixing running four or five miles into the mix. I watched Objectified, a cool documentary on industrial design, last night. Later in the evenings I’ve been mixing one beer with one lunesta and sleeping ok, although last night I only did melatonin and when N crawled into bed in the early hours I woke and struggled to return to sleep. Over the weekend, however, I slept without drugs for the first time in months.

I’m coming to the point where I’m calm with the idea that I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t, I should clarify, think anyone else ever was, but I relied too much on a sense of responsibility and sacrifice to keep me going. I know I’ll be ok, whatever happens, and that’s new to me. I’m calmer. A few weeks back, while meditation, the vision of a calm room with a wood floor emerged. The room used to be messy and cluttered but isn’t anymore. That’s the room in which I live now, and I can breathe through the clutter and maintain the calm. The relationships in my life change, as a result, but I think they’re healthier all around.

Ok, I’m going to check on the toffee bars. More later.

Welcome to a stray mid-day update. The temps are high, upper eighties, so Mack and I are sequestered in the air conditioned bedroom. Mack loves air conditioning. Smart dog.

The last week has been fine, really, and I’m growing used to the time away from the office. This morning, after a five mile walk with the dogs through pouring rain, I drove down to the office. After I found the security guy, and he opened my office door, and then discovered my computer wasn’t hooked up to the internet, I hit the computer lab and avoided the dead-air temporary office. I answered email and got back into GR mode. By ten or so there wasn’t much for me to do so I drove home, ate lunch, and snagged a double-shot latte at Alterra’s for more email and a The Invention of Morel review.

So I’m working through the poems but probably not with enough discipline. I’m trying to balance writing and staying focused and the need to decompress before the start of the semester. I think I’m doing ok. Within a week or two the meetings, etc. will start in earnest. I’m ready.

• We’re only a few weeks from September. I’m ready for autumn.
• I’m reading Celine. The novel may take a few weeks but I’m getting into rhythm.
• M and the boys visited my sister at Wonder Lake yesterday. I didn’t go. I hate that lake, all buggy and white trash, but apparently the kids had fun tubing.
• Rumors abound that our offices may move from the north end of the basement to an area closer to the classrooms. I don’t care much as to the location of the offices, but I need a fucking office before the semester starts.
• Did I mention DBT and the eels are playing the same October weekend in Milwaukee? Can’t wait.
• I might drive down to Chicago Friday. I want to take the L, maybe, from the northwest side down into the city.
• I’ve been watching Louis CK episodes online and through “On Demand”. Holy hell, that’s a great show, esp. after the first episode.
• We also started up our Netflix membership again. The online “play now” function rules. I also watched You, The Living. Pretty good.

Ok, that’s it for now. I think I’ll take my suits to the cleaners, maybe after doing some crunches. Stay cool.

Today was decent. I woke near 3:30 and answered emails, etc. until about 4:30, when I swallowed some coffee and hustled out the door to reach Redbox before everyone else. I picked up Kick Ass before hitting the gym for thirty minutes on the crossramp and crunches. After showering and eating breakfast I started laundry and hit Harrington Beach State Park with M and the boys. We skipped the beach. S and N fished at the terrifying quarry lake while T and I walked around said lake. Near the end of the loop we were within a few feet of a pair of deer who seemed more accustomed to human beings than, say, vegans might recommend. Oh, the mosquitoes were awful, even during the day, especially on the shady wood path. After getting in the car and agreeing never, ever to camp we hit the doughnut shop. Life is good.

Later I picked up my reserves at the library and visited both Costco and Aldi’s (blueberries are on massive sale at the latter). I read Bourdain, eventually finishing the book tonight, between lifting weights, eating wraps, and watching some of the disappointing Kick Ass. The air is warm tonight, too warm, and I’ll happily crash in the air conditioning. Later in the week I’ll hopefully see James and Melissa and maybe take the train to Chicago.

Today I felt flashes of happiness. I could get used to this “not focusing on work” thing. Yes, yes, I could. And I meditated last night and will again in a few minutes. A weird, almost guilty feeling accompanies the happiness, but I’m learning to let that go. And I’m sure the medication helps. The poems are coming. Tomorrow I might start crocheting. Life is good. Good night.

Hey, I just realized today is the first of August. Yay? I’m looking forward to autumn.

So I’m up, 5:10AM, sitting in the dark dining room, considering making pancakes. If I do, I have to cook soon, as I want to hit the Y at 7. What’s on NPR now? BBC, right? Maybe I’ll listen to the BBC and make pancakes. Life could be way worse, don’t you think?

Yesterday was ok. I read at the coffee shop, hung out at home, watched part of The Matrix (whatever happened to Carrie Ann Moss?) and worked on some poems. T described every single Call of Duty development. N and I watched Pawn Stars. I crashed on the bed upstairs and stared at the ceiling. I wrote out some postcards and tried to breathe deeply.

So what am I doing today? I want to learn how to knit and/or crochet. What’s the difference between the two? I have no idea. Maybe I’ll run a search. Can you tell I need coffee? More later. Meditation then pancakes. Happy August.