Late Sunday afternoons are weird. What does one do on late Sunday afternoons?
Today has been excellent, but I’m grinding my teeth and worried I won’t sleep tonight. I woke to N crawling on me around six. We chatted for a while before we rose and I hit the gym at seven for forty minutes on the stairmaster and leg weights. Momentum was at stake so I ate breakfast, showered, and drove to Alterra’s. Customers crowded the coffee shop but I snagged counter space and knocked out a couple pages of the Catherine of Sienna paper while the churchgoers and yawning hipsters around me ate breakfast. Then I returned home, watched the Brewers score ten runs in the first inning, and played catch with S. What else happened? Oh, I made a dark chocolate cake with caramel frosting, all from scratch. Blogger isn’t accepting pictures today, apparently, so you have to wait for an image. I’m also focused on preparing for tomorrow today, because I think I’ll sleep better knowing I’m prepared, so I already made tomorrow’s lunch and have most of my clothes ready. Oh, and I did weights and pilates. Good day. But what now? I think I’m going to shave, take a shower, and read. I’m still digging the Jim Thompson.
Yesterday M and I saw the excellent Date Night. I also wrote up some poetry fragments. Progress, progress.
I need to pray/meditate. I don’t want a tense Sunday night, but I think I bring them mostly upon myself. Have a lovely start of the week. I can hear the kids downstairs finishing the last of their homework. Better check.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Why good morning, blog readers. The clock reads 3:36AM, near the sleep point of no return, for me, anyway. And how are you? Sorry about the space between posts. That was unintended. I will make no excuses.
So how…what’s the word…explicit shall I be about the state of my mental health? Oh, fuck it, I’m going to be straightforward. What’s the worst that can happen? Ok, I’m on wellbutrin (sp?). I’ve been on wellbutrin for three weeks. Why don’t we bullet point the experience.
• My psychiatrist is a tiny, friendly woman who pays close attention and can’t sit still. I respect that.
• I’ve seen her twice so far. This last session was particularly fascinating. She said, “you have to remember that you’ve been chronically depressed since, from what I can tell, you were around ten years old. Everyone who knows you only knows you as chronically depressed.” Holy shit. I mean, does that mean for the last thirty years I’ve been someone slightly (or more than slightly) different than who I’m supposed to be? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I can’t quite get my head around the concept. I think she’s right, though. When I look back on pretty much my whole life, well, there’s this veil that’s always present between the rest of the world and me. I always thought that was normal, but perhaps I was wrong. All I could do was work with what I had, you know? And I’ve always, in the background, carried this sense of guilt, that I was doing something wrong, that I was broken. And, well, apparently I am/was broken, but some of the guilt is lifting. I hope I can make up lost time.
• I should differentiate between the psychologist and the psychiatrist. I have a crack medical team.
• So the psychiatrist warned me that 1) I would feel weird periods of elation, and 2) that I’m pretty much guaranteed to have, what did she call them, episodes of depression again. Yay? I experienced #1 in the parking lot of Pick and Save a couple weeks ago. That was interesting.
• I’m on 300mg of Wellbutrin now. I also have lunesta for when I can’t sleep. I try not to talk the sleeping pills every night. They taste horrible, but goddamn, as I said in a previous post, they’re good. I just don’t want to rely on them.
• I’m still exhausted at work…can barely work a full day without collapsing. When will that stop?
Ok, back to the normal blog. M says I should write a book, by the way, about this past year. That’s a decent idea.
And what else has been happening? Last week I was in Louisville for a conference. Louisville is a nice town, from what I could tell, anyway. I sat on the city hall square and took in the sun.
More later. I’m getting tired. Good night/morning.
So how…what’s the word…explicit shall I be about the state of my mental health? Oh, fuck it, I’m going to be straightforward. What’s the worst that can happen? Ok, I’m on wellbutrin (sp?). I’ve been on wellbutrin for three weeks. Why don’t we bullet point the experience.
• My psychiatrist is a tiny, friendly woman who pays close attention and can’t sit still. I respect that.
• I’ve seen her twice so far. This last session was particularly fascinating. She said, “you have to remember that you’ve been chronically depressed since, from what I can tell, you were around ten years old. Everyone who knows you only knows you as chronically depressed.” Holy shit. I mean, does that mean for the last thirty years I’ve been someone slightly (or more than slightly) different than who I’m supposed to be? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I can’t quite get my head around the concept. I think she’s right, though. When I look back on pretty much my whole life, well, there’s this veil that’s always present between the rest of the world and me. I always thought that was normal, but perhaps I was wrong. All I could do was work with what I had, you know? And I’ve always, in the background, carried this sense of guilt, that I was doing something wrong, that I was broken. And, well, apparently I am/was broken, but some of the guilt is lifting. I hope I can make up lost time.
• I should differentiate between the psychologist and the psychiatrist. I have a crack medical team.
• So the psychiatrist warned me that 1) I would feel weird periods of elation, and 2) that I’m pretty much guaranteed to have, what did she call them, episodes of depression again. Yay? I experienced #1 in the parking lot of Pick and Save a couple weeks ago. That was interesting.
• I’m on 300mg of Wellbutrin now. I also have lunesta for when I can’t sleep. I try not to talk the sleeping pills every night. They taste horrible, but goddamn, as I said in a previous post, they’re good. I just don’t want to rely on them.
• I’m still exhausted at work…can barely work a full day without collapsing. When will that stop?
Ok, back to the normal blog. M says I should write a book, by the way, about this past year. That’s a decent idea.
And what else has been happening? Last week I was in Louisville for a conference. Louisville is a nice town, from what I could tell, anyway. I sat on the city hall square and took in the sun.
More later. I’m getting tired. Good night/morning.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Happy Easter, people. Easter is my second favorite holiday, after Thanksgiving. I love the sense of hope, of resurrection, Easter brings. I also think of WZRD on Easter, as I covered the Saturday night/Sunday morning show a few years running and stumbled out of the studio into the gritty NEIU parking lot just as the sun rose. Good times.
So what have I done today? I slept late, 6:00AM, and may have slept longer but N slid next to me and we chatted before moving downstairs for cartoons. S was up a few minutes. M and T showed no signs of life so I threw on my running gear and knocked out four miles in the bright morning sun. Everyone was up when I returned so I watched as the boys searched out eggs (the plastic kind, filled with candy) and discovered the video games in their baskets. After a while I am not a necessary component of that activity so I showered and ate breakfast. Later I spent a loud hour at Alterra’s (was the guy working there trying to piss me off by dragging stools across the floor?) writing a To The Lighthouse review (posting tomorrow) and answering email. After a quick lunch N and I played soccer in the back field. He does pretty well, really, but he grew bored after about fifteen minutes and went inside. I can’t play soccer by myself, sadly, so I snuck upstairs, folded laundry, and read Big Machine until M said everyone was going out to play with the neighborhood kids. Since the house was empty I lifted weights in front of Bourdain’s latest Viet Nam episode and swallowed the protein/yogurt concoction that follows weights. S and I watched the Cavs choke to the Celtics as the rain started and, well, here I am.
This has been the best spring break ever. Most of my activities have been local; except trips to Cedarburg and West Bend because of M’s van’s repairs I haven’t ventured more than five miles from the house. I’m ok with that; I’ve done time at the library and various nearby coffee shops. I’m due back at work this week Wednesday. Tomorrow I drop M and the boys at the airport mid-afternoon. I’ll probably stop at the office on the way home and get a couple hours of prep done before returning home to the dogs. Tuesday is wide open except for a dentist appointment. Wednesday morning I teach, but just for an hour, and Wednesday night I fly to Louisville. There’s apparently a cool cathedral near the hotel but other than that I get the feeling this will be one of those quick trips during which I spend my evenings watching cable in a sterile but comfortable hotel room.
I’ll miss the kids tomorrow night. Have a good rest of Easter. Christ is risen, if that’s your thing. If it’s not, spring’s here, and we can always, always start anew.
P.S. I tried Lunestra a couple nights ago. Goddamn I love sleeping pills.
So what have I done today? I slept late, 6:00AM, and may have slept longer but N slid next to me and we chatted before moving downstairs for cartoons. S was up a few minutes. M and T showed no signs of life so I threw on my running gear and knocked out four miles in the bright morning sun. Everyone was up when I returned so I watched as the boys searched out eggs (the plastic kind, filled with candy) and discovered the video games in their baskets. After a while I am not a necessary component of that activity so I showered and ate breakfast. Later I spent a loud hour at Alterra’s (was the guy working there trying to piss me off by dragging stools across the floor?) writing a To The Lighthouse review (posting tomorrow) and answering email. After a quick lunch N and I played soccer in the back field. He does pretty well, really, but he grew bored after about fifteen minutes and went inside. I can’t play soccer by myself, sadly, so I snuck upstairs, folded laundry, and read Big Machine until M said everyone was going out to play with the neighborhood kids. Since the house was empty I lifted weights in front of Bourdain’s latest Viet Nam episode and swallowed the protein/yogurt concoction that follows weights. S and I watched the Cavs choke to the Celtics as the rain started and, well, here I am.
This has been the best spring break ever. Most of my activities have been local; except trips to Cedarburg and West Bend because of M’s van’s repairs I haven’t ventured more than five miles from the house. I’m ok with that; I’ve done time at the library and various nearby coffee shops. I’m due back at work this week Wednesday. Tomorrow I drop M and the boys at the airport mid-afternoon. I’ll probably stop at the office on the way home and get a couple hours of prep done before returning home to the dogs. Tuesday is wide open except for a dentist appointment. Wednesday morning I teach, but just for an hour, and Wednesday night I fly to Louisville. There’s apparently a cool cathedral near the hotel but other than that I get the feeling this will be one of those quick trips during which I spend my evenings watching cable in a sterile but comfortable hotel room.
I’ll miss the kids tomorrow night. Have a good rest of Easter. Christ is risen, if that’s your thing. If it’s not, spring’s here, and we can always, always start anew.
P.S. I tried Lunestra a couple nights ago. Goddamn I love sleeping pills.
Friday, April 02, 2010
I’m at the Grafton Alterra’s, the counter facing west, Lucero on the headphones. Cars are just activating their headlights and rain is coming but probably not for a few hours. Today was beautiful, seventies for brief stretches, but probably closer to the low-sixties near the water. I can’t get my head around today as Friday and not Saturday, but we Midwesterners take Good Friday seriously, or at least seriously enough to skip work and let the schools out early for spring break.
This morning I woke near 2:30 and decided to rise rather than lie (lay? I can never remember) in bed the last 90 minutes before I rise for the gym. I answered email and knocked out another page in the Catherine of Siena paper. The Y was empty, really, 40 minutes on the elliptical/stairmaster and crunches. After breakfast I felt myself drifting and T was restless so I loaded he and S into the car and hit the coffee shop. See pics below. We also walked halfway down the new stairs from Upper Lake Park to the beach before returning home. I read Virgina Woolf upstairs and crashed for an hour or so before rising and lifting weights to the last half hour of the Bourdain Provence episode. S and I played baseball in the back field and I talked with Mike next door about politics, pension plans, and whether or not the Brewers should sign Jermaine Dye. I made brownies from a new recipe that required me both to use chocolate syrup and boil sugar and butter together. I’m getting better. Since T’s got a friend staying over tonight I cut out to Alterra’s for a couple hours of comparative solitude. M does the same, really, with shopping and her website and all that. I need to stay up to the ungodly hour of 11PM because our dog sitter, a student, works at Barnes and Noble until ten and I really want her to meet the dogs before I leave for Louisville. Normal people stay up this late all the time! I can do it! Only three and a half more hours!
Three quick bullet points:
• I can’t stop grinding my teeth.
• My new phone is awesome. How long have these devices existed? I can check the weather, my email, hell, I can see my location on a map, all with this device.
• Poetry is coming slowly. I need extended focus and discipline to write well. I think I’m ready.
The clouds are rolling in quickly. The flags are wrapping around the poles. Have a great Friday night.
This morning I woke near 2:30 and decided to rise rather than lie (lay? I can never remember) in bed the last 90 minutes before I rise for the gym. I answered email and knocked out another page in the Catherine of Siena paper. The Y was empty, really, 40 minutes on the elliptical/stairmaster and crunches. After breakfast I felt myself drifting and T was restless so I loaded he and S into the car and hit the coffee shop. See pics below. We also walked halfway down the new stairs from Upper Lake Park to the beach before returning home. I read Virgina Woolf upstairs and crashed for an hour or so before rising and lifting weights to the last half hour of the Bourdain Provence episode. S and I played baseball in the back field and I talked with Mike next door about politics, pension plans, and whether or not the Brewers should sign Jermaine Dye. I made brownies from a new recipe that required me both to use chocolate syrup and boil sugar and butter together. I’m getting better. Since T’s got a friend staying over tonight I cut out to Alterra’s for a couple hours of comparative solitude. M does the same, really, with shopping and her website and all that. I need to stay up to the ungodly hour of 11PM because our dog sitter, a student, works at Barnes and Noble until ten and I really want her to meet the dogs before I leave for Louisville. Normal people stay up this late all the time! I can do it! Only three and a half more hours!
Three quick bullet points:
• I can’t stop grinding my teeth.
• My new phone is awesome. How long have these devices existed? I can check the weather, my email, hell, I can see my location on a map, all with this device.
• Poetry is coming slowly. I need extended focus and discipline to write well. I think I’m ready.
The clouds are rolling in quickly. The flags are wrapping around the poles. Have a great Friday night.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
4/1/10 Friday 6:08PM
Happy April Fool’s Day! I only fell for one AFD prank, on goodreads, thank you very much.
I’m on the clean front porch, early evening during what feels like summer. Pete will not stop yelping at the kids in the back field, but no way am I letting him out to torture the whole neighborhood. Maybe he’ll wear out soon. Mack’s sick of him too, I can tell. S is on the computer playing 39 Clues. M is out with D, drinking in the back field, while the neighborhood kids frolic for the first time of the season. I bet they’re having fun.
Today’s been a good day. I was up around four, after crashing on the couch, and at the Y by five for 600 calories on the crossramp, leg weights, and crunches. Then I watched the X-Men cartoon with N and took a shower before starting in on cleaning the front porch. Over the winter the space becomes quite messy with winter coats, cases of diet coke, etc. and we don’t think about clearing anything out because we spend as little time as possible out there. But with the better weather I want to sit on the Adirondack chair and read, or write like this, and I wouldn’t be able to stand the mess. So I organized the last of the winter hats, boots, etc. put the recyclables out front early, etc. Later I hit Pick and Save, Aldi’s and Costco, all right in a row, and by noon I was fairly sure I didn’t want to visit a supermarket again for the foreseeable future. What did I do then? C called, so we talked, before I hit the coffee shop with To the Lighthouse. I had the place to myself, surprisingly, with the door open and one of the counter women out pulling weeds from the landscaping. After reading I picked the boys up from school, snagged my reservations from the library, and made tofu/vegetables. I guess I didn’t work on the Catherine paper, but hell, way too warm for that.
I also listened to the new DBT, esp. the first five or six songs, over and over again.
I don’t have anything deep and meaningful to say right now. Not with the birds flitting tree to tree and the kids calling back and forth behind the house. I’m gritting my teeth, hard, I’m not sure why, I think it’s me trying to break out the old, less productive habits, and my mind/body expressing displeasure. If that’s the worst of my problems, I’m doing pretty well. More tomorrow. Happy April.
Happy April Fool’s Day! I only fell for one AFD prank, on goodreads, thank you very much.
I’m on the clean front porch, early evening during what feels like summer. Pete will not stop yelping at the kids in the back field, but no way am I letting him out to torture the whole neighborhood. Maybe he’ll wear out soon. Mack’s sick of him too, I can tell. S is on the computer playing 39 Clues. M is out with D, drinking in the back field, while the neighborhood kids frolic for the first time of the season. I bet they’re having fun.
Today’s been a good day. I was up around four, after crashing on the couch, and at the Y by five for 600 calories on the crossramp, leg weights, and crunches. Then I watched the X-Men cartoon with N and took a shower before starting in on cleaning the front porch. Over the winter the space becomes quite messy with winter coats, cases of diet coke, etc. and we don’t think about clearing anything out because we spend as little time as possible out there. But with the better weather I want to sit on the Adirondack chair and read, or write like this, and I wouldn’t be able to stand the mess. So I organized the last of the winter hats, boots, etc. put the recyclables out front early, etc. Later I hit Pick and Save, Aldi’s and Costco, all right in a row, and by noon I was fairly sure I didn’t want to visit a supermarket again for the foreseeable future. What did I do then? C called, so we talked, before I hit the coffee shop with To the Lighthouse. I had the place to myself, surprisingly, with the door open and one of the counter women out pulling weeds from the landscaping. After reading I picked the boys up from school, snagged my reservations from the library, and made tofu/vegetables. I guess I didn’t work on the Catherine paper, but hell, way too warm for that.
I also listened to the new DBT, esp. the first five or six songs, over and over again.
I don’t have anything deep and meaningful to say right now. Not with the birds flitting tree to tree and the kids calling back and forth behind the house. I’m gritting my teeth, hard, I’m not sure why, I think it’s me trying to break out the old, less productive habits, and my mind/body expressing displeasure. If that’s the worst of my problems, I’m doing pretty well. More tomorrow. Happy April.
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