Tonight feels more like March than December. A misty rain is falling and the fog will stick around through tomorrow afternoon, at least, with temps near fifty tomorrow before halving to twenty-five on Saturday. I must remember to get gas and maybe shovel the slush off the steps before the freeze. I don't want to leave the house Saturday.

And how are you? Today seemed long but I did ok. This morning Nat and I watched a special on tagging sharks until I hit the gym at seven for cardio and abs. My arms are telling me not to lift; this will be the first two week stretch with only twice a week upper body in two and a half years. After the gym I showered, ate breakfast, and drove through the fog to Java Dock for a frustrating half-hour of trying to get my computer to sync with the establishment's wireless. I gave up and returned home, where I cleaned and read for a while before sliding out before noon to the library (PK Dick novels before the library closes for the holiday), Home Depot (towel hooks), and an hour in a hot and crowded but not unpleasant Alterra's. Then I hit a packed but efficient Costco before watching one and a half Modern Family episodes with M. I foraged for dinner, nothing serious, and M and I talked about NY Eve plans. I don't care much what we do but she wants to do something special for the boys. Honestly, I think the boys would be fine playing video game and drinking sparkling cider. We'll work something out. Then I read a little and talked with my sister. She seems fine, we don't talk much, really, but we get along. The whole parental subject doesn't get broached much, at least by me, as I don't want to vent on her and lives better in a world outside of all that. I understand. Then M and I finished the last half of the second Modern Family and I came upstairs to read, although she was kind of pissed and said she's watching a Castle without me. That's ok. I want to settle in with a sleeping pill and Bryson's book on Australia. Tomorrow I might play hoops. Good night, people. The year's almost over.

Why hello, faithful blog readers. Two days in a row! No, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you. I'm once again on the bedroom floor, under the full spectrum lamp, breathing in the humidified air. M is stealing closet hangers. I'm about to settle down with a book. I'm not wearing pants. Life is good.

So today was a decent day. I realized, this morning come around 6:30, that A) I haven't woken before five since Christmas morning, I think, and B) I've pulled in ten hours of sleep every night since then as well. Maybe I'm learning how to relax, although, honestly, I don't like saying things like “I don't know how to relax” because, well, that statement sounds whiny and stupid. After I woke I ate breakfast and cruised the net until M left to set up her new room at school. The boys played video games while I started cleaning upstairs. This meant, mostly, that I threw all of M'd crap into the hall closet and cleaned our room. At 9 the boys started cleaning their rooms and did a great job, much to my surprise, I must admit, so they were allowed back on video games around 10AM. I hit the gym until 11:30 or so, showered, devoured Trader Joe's ravioli, and left, after M returned, for Kohl's (candles, 10 buck gift certificate) and Michaels' (DBT poster frame). M and the boys left for the Y pool in the afternoon. What did I do then? I don't remember. I think I read a little bit and channel-surfed since the television, for once, was open. Later M, T and I watched another Castle. T and I visited the quiet library, too, and I framed and hung that DBT poster near the basement entrance, where the Degas sculpture photo was until that, for reasons still unexplained, fell from the wall. So today's been productive, really, or a good mix of productive and vacation-y. Tomorrow I have to form that mouthguard and call the dentist for a January appointment. I need to get out of the house more, too, and as the boys will probably have friends over all day, and everyone's sick of each other, otherwise, the opportunity is present. I could drive down to the art museum and check out the design show before next week's closing. Or I could get hooks for bathroom towels, since the cheap ones I purchased last summer fell already. I'm trying to be careful with money but we've spent next to none over break so I'm ok with bathroom hooks. I want to hit a coffee shop and go through the poetry as well.

Ok, that's it for now. I need a lunesta and a book. Oh, did I mention the sun was out all day? I love grey days but I feel like I'm getting away with something basking in bright afternoons through late December. No complaints. Off to bed.

Ok, so I'm on OpenOffice on the new computer. So far so good. I also had this weird lightheaded spaceout thing about thirty seconds ago. Not sure what that was about.

So how are you, dear blog readers? I'm ready to get back into groove on the new computer. I'm getting used to the keyboard action and I'm not tethered to the somewhat weird and frustrating google docs. I'm ready to put some more time into the blog. Should that be a resolution? That and leg weights?

So Christmas went well. The boys got an Xbox. T is playing some hyper-violent game on it right now. N is upstairs on Wii Lego Indiana Jones. They've been offline for a while, shooting marshmellows at each other, so I can't complain if they get electric for an hour or so.

I didn't get much for Christmas, but I'm ok with that. M got me a donut maker and a well-intentioned but hastily returned clothes rack she wanted me to use as a cooling rack for whatever I baked. Oh, she also got me a cool Mexican nativity set. I got her those Reebok workout shoes she wanted but said she couldn't afford along with some fleece pullover with headphones attached and some warm socks. I don't suck at presents, I think.

This winter has been ok. We're almost to the first of the year and, while the temps were cold earlier in December, they're hovering in the upper twenties and low thirties now with promises of the forties by the end of the week. I remember a few years back when the last week of December and the first of January were extremely cold, so this is a bonus stretch on which we can lean, I think, to get us past middle winter and toward the worst stretch with the knowledge that the worst ends by the first of March.

What else is going on? I made a cake for N's class on his birthday and frosting for S's class's cookie decorating project. I've slowed down on working because my body seems to be telling me that I should pull back and relax. I think this is healing, really, as now that I'm learning to transcend “flight or flight” every second my body may take a long-awaited rest. Dr. L. told me to monitor the “fight or flight” thing every few minutes or so. I'm trying, and I think I'm getting better. Slow progress. As I heal more memories and flashbacks emerge. I can count on rough nights after session afternoons. Like I said, all part of the healing.

I also found out the rank and tenure committee turned down my associate professor application. This was a serious punch in the gut. Most people, I think, including myself, took for granted the designation. Five years ago this news would have decimated me. I'm still pissed off but not wrecked. I'll write an appeal, since the backroom news indicate some changes on the committee fucked a few people (including one of my best friends) and move on. My identity transcends my job. And I mean that, way more than I would have five years ago.

What else? We hit Discovery World yesterday. That was fun. A few weeks back we also moved the upstairs furniture around so our room is what used to be called the Wii room. T's room is our old room, and N and S still share the same room. The closet's open, too. I need to clean upstairs tomorrow.

We might have people over for New Year's Eve.

Ok, that's it for now. More tomorrow.

Here's my 2010 booklist, by the way:


1. Rampant, Diana Peterfreund
2. The Exterminator!, William Burroughs
3. End of the Affair, Graham Greene
4. 86’d, Dan Fante
5. Dead Until Dark, that Sookie Stackhouse lady
6. Best Travel Essays 2008, edited by Anthony Bourdain (I think…I get the editions mixed up)
7. Let The Right One In, John Ajvide Lindqvist
8. Beat the Reaper, Josh Bazell
9. To The Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
10. Big Machine, Victor Lavelle
11. Killer Inside Me, Jim Thompson
12. Grifters, Jim Thompson
13. Hard Rain Falling, Don Carpenter
14. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle
15. Death Comes for the Archbishop, Willa Cather
16. Sum, David Eagleman
17. Winter’s Bone, Daniel Woodrell
18. Stories: All New Tales, Edited by Gaiman and Sarrantonio
19. The Wind-Up Girl, Paolo Bacigalupi
20. Vernon God Little, D. B. C. Pierre
21. Cheesemonger, Gordon Edgar
22. As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner
23. Medium Raw, Anthony Bourdain
24. The Invention of Morel, Adolfo Bioy Casares
25. Long Day’s Journey Into Night, Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26. Beautiful Creatures, Kami Garcia/Marcia Stohl
27. Microserfs, Douglas Coupland
28. Zero History, William Gibson
29. The Hilliker Curse, James Ellroy
30. The Unnamed, Joshua Ferris
31. An Abundance of Katherines, John Green
32. Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life, Steve Almond
33. Woodcutters, Thomas Barnhardt
34. Freedom, Jonathan Franzen

I think I’ll finish Bryson's book on Australia and probably one more before the year’s up. I had a couple false starts this year, which is rare…I never finished a re-read of Moby Dick.

My favorite book this year was To the Lighthouse, but I also loved the Faulker and the Barnhardt, along with the Woodrell, Lindqvist, Thompson, L’Engle, Cather, Celine, Gibson, and Green. I liked a lot of books I read this year, maybe more than ever before in a single year. I also read, however, Dead Until Dark, the worst book I’ve read. And the Ferris and Greene were both disappointing.

Let’s do the stats…

• 27 of 34 books were from the library.
• 29 of 34 were fiction. Usually I mix fiction and non-fiction in a more balanced fashion...not sure why that changed this year.
• Taking out the two anthologies, only 6 of 32 were written by women. I need to work on that.

I always feel like I’m missing a book on the list, but this is what my records show. Good year.

12/13/10 Monday 2:08PM

Ok, my doctor’s appointment is canceled, and I don’t leave for the post office/library/pick up the kids for another twenty minutes, so I thought I’d get something into the journal for the first time in a while. Good news...I have a new laptop. My old device charged intermittently, only when the cord was perfectly balanced in relation to the plug, and on Saturday morning refused to charge a all. I quickly emailed myself journals/poems and that night Tristan and I ventured out into the pouring rain to pick up this baby. The entire package was only $450 dollars. I’m still adjusting to the keyboard’s actions but so far so good.

And how are you? The end of the semester has been fine, really. 99% of my grades are entered into the computer. 75% of my syllabi are finished. My office is packed and ready to go. In fact, I’m slightly lost because I’m not sure what to do with myself now the semester is ending. Yes, I know, this is a good problem to have. And I’m taking the opportunity to break my workaholic patterns. I go so intensely when I work...I need to breathe. But this is minor, I don’t mean to characterize the issue as huge. I’ll adjust:)

The weather plummeted into the single digits yesterday. I spent most of the afternoon reading crash (The Ballard one), watching football, and catching up on a nap. This morning I lifted before heading out to work. I slipped some, workout-wise, or perhaps I needed a break. I’m psycho-dedicated and worried of losing my rhythm, so I’m glad I’m back in gear, even though I’ not looking forward to tomorrow’s weather on the way to the Y in the morning.

Ok, must go. Have a lovely start of the week.

I’m on the couch, 11:01AM, practicing relaxation. The football pre-game shows are rotating with the news. N is playing video games while M, S and T are at the YMCA. This morning has been fine. I was up around six, at the Y by seven, and finished working out by eight. Since then I’ve cleaned the first floor and started laundry before eating a vegetarian brat and sweet potato fries for lunch. I could sit on the couch most of the afternoon. Maybe I’ll try.

Yesterday was pretty good as well. What did I do? I don’t quite remember. Oh, we attended the Grafton Christmas parade yesterday morning. That was kind of fun, really, watching the kids scatter for candy as every few floats passed. T and I drove down to Borders, where he picked up American Gods and I snagged a free latte. Later I took a finished Almond’s so-so Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life and took a long bath with Woodcutters.

This week looks busy. I’m going to take today easy. I have no idea what I’m teaching tomorrow. I’ll figure something out. Have a great Sunday.

Why hello, intrepid blog readers. I apologize for the delay. The last two weeks have been suckass busy and exhausting, and as I’ve corresponded with many of you on the side, it’s not like I’ve abandoned writing or anything. But when I don’t catch up with blogging/correspondence I feel the nagging sense of incompleteness. I’m not kidding. So let’s dispense with the details and go with a general summary, shall we?

Oh, first, an arsonist is apparently trying to burn down the building in which I work. I’m not kidding about that, either. We’re moving offices in a few weeks, so Mr./Ms. Arsonist, could you hold off until Christmas break, when the building’s empty?

I feel like I’m teaching in fits and spurts this semester. I’ll go a couple weeks in which I suck, in my perception, then a few in which in I teach well. Next week is the last full five day semester stretch. I’m ready for fall of 2009 to be in the books, academically, so I can drop assessment class after about twenty semesters and focus on ASL 1.

This week has been interesting. Let’s focus on Wednesday first. M had to work so the boys and I cleaned the house (ok, the boys 10%, me 90%) before making a fairly kick ass Thanksgiving dinner of roasted vegetables, lasagna rolls, Heath-bar brownies, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls (the awesome brown and serve kind, full disclosure), etc. Then I felt like walking, but I didn’t want to walk in Port, as I’ve walked every possible route about 100 times, seriously, so I drove over to Cedarburg and walked their downtown. I thought the Christmas lights and soft drizzle would be relaxing but I was wrong. Cars whizzed over corners in the dark and the rain and wind grew stronger with every passing moment. My legs gave out after three and a half miles so I drove home and started drinking. After five beers I was properly drunk and collapsed into bed where I had nightmares for the second night in a row. I’m dreaming of people leaving me, of my old house, of my sad and evil parents. I should know better as I had a session Monday and I often go through nightmares stretches after sessions. On the plus side I’m feeling more solidified in the assertion that my parents tried to send the message that I was at fault for their abuse and I’m starting to frame perceptions in ways I should have years ago but the old, negative perceptual patterns are part of who I am and not easy to transcend. My therapist is encouraging me to let the emotions and memories come naturally. I’ve been framing therapy as a task at which if I work hard I’ll finish earlier. That’s not how it works. So the nightmares suck and left me tired but not so tired I couldn’t have fun with M and the boys down at the Field Museum on Thanksgiving Day. I hustled in the morning to put together a Glee/Eighties/Madonna mix, including Echo and the Bunnymen’s Bring on the Dancing Horses, a song I hadn’t heard for years but quite love.



We listened to the mix on the traffic-free drive down into my hometown while the boys read and played DS. The museum was cool, really, with all the dinosaurs and a cool exhibit on gold (including a penis shield that M, much to my amusement, said would put someone’s eyes out) and the African and Egyptian exhibits. The soil exhibit was boring as hell, I must admit, and after two and a half hours I was right with T in whining to go home. We took Michigan Avenue north, past all the pretty Christmas lights, then LSD up to Evanston and across on Dempster while I tour-guided for the boys all the way. We stopped at the Lake Forest Oasis and had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner of Subway (T, plain turkey on Italian bread), McDonalds (S, a hamburger without pickles), Sbarro’s (a slice of pizza each for N and me, although I ate about half of his), and some broccoli/beef concoction for M from Panda Express. We sat on the row overlooking the highway and watched cars pass. This was more fun that it sounds. Later, after arriving home, I ate Wednesday’s leftovers, watched a quarter of football, and read until Lunesta guided me into ten and a half hours of blissful sleep.

This morning I skipped black Friday, for the most part, and didn’t leave the house until 10 or so, when S wanted to hit Target (DVDs for me, overrated mint M and Ms for him, lines not long) and Half-Priced Books (two more Calvin and Hobbes collections, N can’t get enough of them). Later M and I worked out before I lifted at home and we took the boys back to the Y to swim, but they wussed out (easy for me to say, I didn’t swim) after about twenty minutes so we’re in for the night. T is off sleeping over at Nolan’s while Tanner is sleeping over here. I’m drinking coffee, 6:38PM. Don’t worry, this coffee is only guaranteed to keep me up until about 8PM. These early dark sunsets, esp. on grey days, kill me. Did I mention we have two full spectrum lamps now? They rule. You should get one.

I’m concurrently reading Steve Almond’s Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life and Barnhardt’s Woodcutters. I’m not in the mood for Moby Dick. I’ll get back to the novel eventually, it’s not hard to put down and pick up again.

Ok, that’s it for now. I hope your Thanksgivings are going well. More later. Stay inside.

I’m on the couch while T watches “Destroyed in Seconds” and Mack crashes between us. Pete is sleeping in the kitchen sun. Today’s bright and sunny. M and the other two boys are off at the Y.

This week has gone pretty well. A couple times I felt really calm. When that happens I recognize the state as something I used to feel regularly. I breathe and try to keep the sense of calm for as long as a stretch as possible. I thought I taught pretty well and did a decent job of avoiding working too much while getting a little ahead on course planning. Friday morning I hit the office by 5:30AM and got a ton done before heading out for a six mile walk around 10AM. Autumn is here, the air was cold and the wind is strong, but I listened to the eels playlist and dug the walk.

What else is going on?

• T is done with football for the year, thank God, and S’s outdoor soccer is finished, too. So this weekend was more or less event free. That ruled. I read a lot (finished The Unnamed earlier in the week, should knock out An Abundance of Katherines soon, then back to Moby Dick), caught up on television (the first Walking Dead was pretty good) and hung out with the boys.

• I’ve been eating way too much Halloween candy. Today I’m focused, though, and I’ll be fine. I know how to work out (even though I only did five, rather than six, days last week and Dr. L.’s encouraging me not to overdo the physical) and eat better.

• M and I took the dogs to the dog park on…let me think…Wednesday? That was fun, just circling the space and watching them glide through the trees. Dogs at full speed are beautiful.

• We’re down to the last four weeks of the semester, and one of those is Thanksgiving week. Wild, eh?

• I feel like cooking something today, but that would require me going to the store again. Maybe I’ll just make pasta. Yesterday I roasted potatoes from the farmers market. Is that hippy enough for you?

• On Thursday (I think) I sat in a coffee shop near work and went through about thirty poems I’ve written the last couple of years. They hold up better than I expected. I may be ready to publish something this winter or next spring.

Ok, I must move the laundry and avoid staying too busy. Have a lovely start of November.

Why hello, kind blog readers. Welcome to the first day of November. Let me move over to the table. That’s better. And how was your day?

November is my least favorite month, by the way. But I can’t say I totally hate November, so I guess I don’t have a totally least favorite month. February isn’t great, either, but one endures February like a champ in Wisconsin. Grit your teeth and suck it up. You chose to live here. Or your parents chose to live here, and God hates you because you were born to your parents or whatever. In any case, surviving February is a personal point of pride whereas November is like the dentist office waiting room of months without magazines. November is waiting for winter. And sometimes the cold, wet-cement grey sky is worse than the most intense blizzard. So, fuck you, November, at least until Thanksgiving, which I quite enjoy.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I was up at four, lifting by five, and in the office by 7:15. By nine I had accomplished quite a bit and I taught pretty well, too, keeping the students moving to avoid the Monday morning lecture dead-stare. I mean, I wasn’t a superstar but nobody fell asleep or looked angry to be there. Then I met with a couple friends/colleagues, got in the car, and drove to the Y for 45 minutes of cardio. I’ve been eating like shit (Halloween) so I needed the workout. I’ve been doing six days of cardio more often than not and I’ve been steady with lifting three days a week. After cardio I showered and ate lunch before hitting Dr. L’s for a pretty good session. Later I picked T up from school and played football with the boys in the back field, even covering T while S played quarterback. That was fun. After another Glee episode and dinner I took another quick shower and here I am. Pretty soon I’m going upstairs to read The Unnamed to another sleeping pill. Life is good. Happy All Saint’s Day. I’m practicing calm. I have to practice. This doesn’t come easily, but I’m getting better.

Pretty soon I’ll be upstairs with The Unnamed, ready to go to sleep. Should I drink some tea first? Maybe. My stomach is all bleh after inhaling some Giordano’s after failing to eat since breakfast. Yes, I’m a grown up.

Today was ok but exhausting. S had a game way down in Racine. The weather wasn’t bad but the wind strong so I huddled underneath the blankets and read and felt tired. Then we drove down to traffic-clogged Gurnee to pick up a pizza. Holy hell, I was reminded of what living in a strip-mall infested suburb must feel like. Cars everywhere! Everywhere, I tell you! I’m worn out. Hold on, I’m going to start tea.

Ok, I’m back, water boiling for decaf black vanilla. Maybe I’ll open the skylight. How cold are tonight’s lows? 33? That might work. Ok, more later. Have a lovely evening.

Today feels like a Saturday, probably because I didn’t do much work. What did I do, you ask? I slept until about 4:30 and decided to rest my legs instead of hitting the YMCA. Then I decided to avoid the office as I was languorously tired and I wanted to see the kids before Nana weekend kicked into gear. I took out the garbage (frost on the car windshields), fed the dogs, and ate breakfast. N rose, so we watched science channel specials until T was up as well. The sun was bright and the air cold. I tried to answer email, etc. at Java Dock but they were closed for the second time in a week. Shitty business practices, people! Instead I sat at the Alterra counter for an hour. At one point a man in head to toe black lycra sat next to me. No, that wasn’t a little weird. I think he was a bicyclist, but still. Just before ten I drove down to MAM, parked on the street, and walked through the wind (not nearly as windy as earlier in the week) to the museum. I sped through my second viewing of the design show, covertly snapping a few more pictures, then took the stairs to the third floor. Man, I love the Bradley collection, and the museum was deserted, too. I sat in front of the Rothko for a few minutes until an unforgivably chatty security guard broke the silence. I bet she got the job because she was “good with people”, and I know I sound like a little bitch, but no, I don’t want to answer questions about what I see in Rothko or hear about how this Russian couple yesterday liked the Calatrava. I fled from her presence but she got bored and found another guard in the folk art section and talked to him, way loud, while I visited my favorite gallery. I hope she got in trouble. Not big trouble. Just a little. I’m rediscovering the basement galleries, too. That “rooms of wonder” exhibit is way cool. Also, I was right, there are two German expressionist galleries, one on the first floor and one on the third. German expressionism is interesting, all the bright, garish colors contrasted with dark tones and misshapen figures. Excellent material.

After a comedy of bad driving encounters (accident, construction, dumbass truck driver lost in my neighborhood) I returned home and began replacing a broken kitchen faucet. The old one was all tight but after two hardware visits and an hour with my bare skin on mouse shit I successfully finished the job. My kids gave a 20% chance of success an M said she was worried I would somehow render our plumbing worse. Suck it, family! I win! The rest of the afternoon wasn’t bad, visiting with Nana, quick trip to the library, some Halloween event setting up downtown. I’m about to drop T off at the movie theater for a date with Lexi. Whoo!

What else happened this week? I’m three hundred pages into Moby Dick but I may hit the pause button on the novel because the new Ferris rolled into the library off the reserve list. Teaching has been fine. I haven’t had any PTSD events for five or six days.

Ok, T wants to leave. More later. Happy Halloween.

I’m mildly drunk, three beers while watching the end of the Patriots game and another Glee episode, and I’m ready to take a (most likely medically unadvisable) sleeping pill before reading Moby Dick and crashing only to rise at four and run along the lake in the rain and darkness. Who said small town life was boring?

This last week has been ok but I’m flatlining and finding myself unable to really enjoy doing anything. And I’m high-strung as hell. Attractive, eh? I’ve learned that I have to get out of the house some on weekends or else Monday arrives and I’m bitter and somewhat resentful. I don’t need to go to wild parties or anything, just a coffee shop for a couple hours. So yesterday morning S and I hit Java Dock’s second floor while I caught on email and he read ESPN magazine’s NBA preview. Then I drove out to Germantown (half-thanks to my phone’s gps, which got me to the street but not the rural park) and sat in the rain and watched T’s football team win again. During the game I listened to Sparklehorse and tried to read Moby Dick but the rain darkened the pages and I felt guilty about abusing the library copy. Oh, a huge man in a green sweatsuit laced an anti-ref tirade with liberal fucks and shits and even dared the ref to come over to the stands. I was ready with my phone camera if a fight broke out. Last night M took the boys to a haunted trail as I watched 30 Rock and tried to avoid a PTSD flashback. I think they’re seasonal.

But I’m feeling ok now, really. I’m forcing myself to relax and it’s kind of working.

Highlights!

• I had to advocate for my program at work this week. I don’t mind, most of the people with whom I work are pretty cool, and we’re refining new processes as leadership changes, etc. But, please, really, stay out of the way if you’re not used to how our program works. I know that’s snotty, but…really. We’re doing fine.
• I’ve listened to Dido’s Life for Rent and the Pixies’ greatest hits a lot this week. And some classical, too. Suddenly I’m in the mood for Sibelius.
• Full workout schedule, six days on. Thursday afternoon I thought I’d take the dogs for an easy walk but ended up two hours later returning home after a long beach trek to Lion’s Den and back on the somewhat terrifying side of Highway C.
• I’m due for a heart attack.
• I like the Rangers over the Giants.

More later.

Ok, I think today is the 16th. We’re halfway through October and for the most part the weather has been criminally warm. I suppose that makes the consideration of the impending winter easier. Think of it. November, December, January February are winter. By March first, even if the ground is still snow-covered, you know spring will arrive soon. So, here we go, a little over 120 days to the near end of winter and we’re in the mid-sixties. I’m ready. Give me pissing cold rain and fifty while I drink tea and read Moby Dick. Bring it on.

I’m sick, by the way. My chest is locked tight and feels heart-attack ready. Snot runs from my nose at an alarming rate. I can’t work out. I can’t work out. I haven’t hit a wall this hard in two and a half years, and I don’t feel guilty/slackerish because working out isn’t even an option. I’m that tired. Well, Thursday afternoon I lifted weights and yesterday I walked a few miles downtown. More on that in a sec. And I suppose later I might walk to Java Dock. But nothing serious.

This week was uneventful until Thursday when I decided I was going to teach the FUCK out of my afternoon class as the students look dead and I don’t know that I’ve risen to the occasion. The tech (youtube) got stuck but we still did a good job, I think, and I felt better as they left. I finished Ellroy’s Hilliker Curse and started Moby Dick. Friday morning was “long weekend”, or the U’s lame version of fall semester midterm break, but I went into the office anyway and got a lot done in two hours. At 9:15 I drove over to MAM, parked on the street, and sat on the stairs, waiting for the doors to open. I re-upped our membership and walked through the cool new European design show. Scroll down for pictures. Here’s a link to more information:


http://mam.org/european-design/

Some pieces were completely impractical, of course, a requirement of any furniture show just as weirdass clothes seem to be a requirement of any runway show (from, um, what I can on cable, I guess, as I’ve never attended a runway show), but most of the objects were functional and some, like the watering cans, were both cool and cheap. I covertly snapped pics and browsed the disappointing exhibit store before heading to the museum basement. A student reminded me the basement is kind of cool. Now, the American painting selection blows but the weird exhibits beyond that gallery are cool. See the curio boxes below. I wasn’t able to take everything in as I had already spent a good forty-five minutes concentrating on the design exhibit. Next time I’ll head straight to the basement instead of my usual trek to the third floor.

After leaving the museum I walked to the Milwaukee Public Market. The air was clean and the sky open but the city seemed dirty and run down. I don’t know if Milwaukee’s ever going to recover from the downfall of the local manufacturing economy. There’s a curious zombie-movie desertion feel to parts of downtown replete with empty storefronts and sketchy pedestrians. The MPM is nice, though. After circling the stalls I settled on a cheese sandwich at that healthy place where a teenage girl presses wheat grass into juice while another girl makes your sandwich. I snagged green tea also and ate upstairs while reading the local arts paper. Then I cut through downtown on a path similar to the one Dan and I took back to my car before DBT, stopped at Costco, and drove home. Oh, I also picked up some high-grade vanilla extract in what looks like a medicine bottle at the MPM Spice House. Will the vanilla impact cookie quality? We will see.

Last night S and I planned on taking in the Port/Homestead game but decided on Alterra’s and Borders instead because we knew Homestead would kick the hell out of Port. Alterra’s was empty and the cute coffee house girls fawned over S while he drank his strawberry/raspberry Italian soda. I drank a latte while we chatted in the dim light. Then we drove down the highway to Borders. I took a copy of Moby Dick off the shelves and read in a comfy chair while Sky checked out comics and football magazines. We were home by seven-thirty.

My health is hit and miss lately. I haven’t written much about it. I’m going deeper, into more difficult history, and hopefully not feeling as guilty about feeling messed up. Progress, slowly, onward, onward, always, unless staying still makes a difference.

Beethoven’s Emperor is on. Have a good Saturday.

Illegal pictures from the MAM European design show, plus a couple of those curio boxes from the basement...

lime pie. N said, "I like it all except the lime." He was the one who requested it, too.

Why hello, kind blog readers. I’m grinding my teeth and trying not to kill my spazzy dogs. Do you think if I mixed some lunesta with some treats they would fall asleep? Stupidass facebook won’t load a new profile picture, either. I’m moving too quickly and banging into things, I need a third shower, and the temps are way, way too hot for October. Breathing now. Through the nose. I’m going to stop banging into things and relax. Here we go.

And how are you? This was a pretty good week, really. I wasn’t that busy at work. My back, which hurt badly earlier in the week, like I thought I wasn’t going to be able to walk much, recovered after a long autumn walk. I guess the lower right side is still tight but I think the injury could have been much worse. The rest of the week was fine. I finished Zero History in a peaceful marathon at Alterra’s Friday night, then returned Saturday morning to start the latest Ellroy.

Right now the dogs are wrestling under the table. Fuckers.

Ok, I can roll with this. Anyway, yesterday, like most Saturdays, was lost to football and soccer until the late afternoon. Then, reminding myself that I lucked out and could skip a fancy scholarship dinner, I read a little and slept well. This morning I ran before dawn. The sunrise was red and purple, absolutely beautiful, and I saw two foxes near the water treatment plant. M left for Chicago (her brother was running the marathon) early. The boys and I had a decent day but I felt like I had to be ever vigilant. Some of this is my fault because I finished a mix CD that took longer than I expected and the kids got needy. That’s ok. We snagged a couple new video games because I feel like I never get to be the one who gets them anything cool. They played those, went outside, watched a little football, ate dinner, and played football with me. Now they’re upstairs in “quiet time” but upstairs doesn’t sound particularly quiet. Sigh. At least my clothes are laid out for tomorrow and my lunch ready. I’m not working out in the morning because A) I finished a seven day stretch, and B) I need to hit work early to get a lot done before my 9AM class. I guess I’m a little frustrated because I feel like I’m the one doing all the cleaning lately, but oh well, M is in Chicago, and I can’t blame her for that, she doesn’t get to see her family much. I’ll live. I’ll be better after a shower.

Ok, sorry to sound slightly bitchy. This morning I was much better, I promise. I’ll be fine. Time to eat some pie and get the boys ready for bed.

Tuesday's quiche:

Yesterday's French silk pie...

I’m writing from the dining room table on what I hope continues to be a calm day. Were the day to become even calmer I would not complain. Pretty soon I’ll get my clothes, lunch, etc. ready for tomorrow, maybe clean a little upstairs, and settle in with a book. I wouldn’t mind falling asleep at 4PM. Ok, maybe 6PM.

This weekend has been great but exhausting. Shall I start at Friday? I don’t think anything notable took place earlier in the week. Friday afternoon, after a baby-showerish SOE meeting, I drove downtown and parked in a lake lot. Dan was running late and didn’t have his GPS so I talked him to the Art Museum to pick me up. We drove around a bit before coming to the conclusion that Friday night garage parking wouldn’t start until after 5, so we left his car at a meter and walked back to my car. Then we found a surface lot next to a restaurant, paid five bucks (Milwaukee parking is cheap), picked up his car, parked that in a garage, and hit Renaissance Books. The building is falling apart; I don’t think I can describe accurately the broken plaster, skateboard-worthy floors, and stacks and stacks and stacks of books everywhere. Dan was terrified and says he never wants return again. I got some good pictures, perhaps I’ll post some here soon, and a video, if I can figure out how to get video from the phone to the computer. After the bookstore we hit a brewpub (Hm. That word annoys me) restaurant for fish (Dan) and grilled cheese (me). We were in front of the Pabst for the DBT concert a little before eight. A Farm Aid benefit caused a delay so doors didn’t open until eight and the opening act (Henry Clay People, I thought they were fun, Dan didn’t) didn’t start until nine. DBT were in fine form, excellent, I thought, and the set list included “One of the Days” and “Zip City”, two of my favorite songs. We didn’t get out until close to one. I talked Dan out of downtown Milwaukee on the phone after he got lost and nearly robbed at a north side gas station. When I returned home I tried to sleep but for whatever reason didn’t sleep well, catching maybe four or five crappy hours of rest.

Saturday morning M and tag-teamed one of S’s soccer games way in the city. I stopped at Java Dock but the line was too long so I got a McDonalds latte off of Brown Deer. Holy fuck, I needed coffee. S was playing at one of these huge complexes with a couple dozen soccer fields, so we weaved our way to his field. He borrowed my cool black hat because the wind was blowing cold and wore it throughout the game. They tied a good team, 2-2 while I sat away from the other parents and listened to eels on the mp3 player. My mind wasn’t in reading shape. After we returned home I considered sleeping but M and N were off at a sturgeon release and T’s game was starting soon so instead I channel-surfed and…that was pretty much it, I think. Near 5 I drove back to Milwaukee, parked in the same lot, and drank more coffee at Starbucks waiting for Dan’s return. The eels gig was sparsely attended and we snagged front-row off the riser seats for the 2nd time in two nights. Yay us. Let the kids stand in front of the stage. A truly horrible ventriloquist opened the show, followed by some rather cute but spacey folk singer, and eels walked on stage a little after nine. They opened with “Daisies of the Galaxy”, possibly my favorite eels song ever, and the rest of the show (sort of a 60s rave-up theme this tour) was tight and strong. They’re nearing the end of the world tour but still seemed happy to be there. I think most bands like playing the Pabst. It’s a beautiful theater. Most of the new material held up well, if not better live than on record. Dan and I parted immediately after the gig and, despite a sleep-deprived, hallucinatory highway stretch, I arrived home by midnight. I read a little Gibson, combined beer and melatonin, and slept like the dead until 8AM.

Today has been good so far. I made some of that ass-kicking Starbucks French roast coffee I snagged on sale at Costco. My French Press rig is broken so I dragged the drip rig from the basement but I have to press the little button under the spout with a fork because I can’t find the kettle top. Oh well. Man, I love how that coffee smells. I showered, felt alive, and cleaned the first floor after kicking the boys off of electronics. I lifted through the first quarter of the Packers game. My workout schedule has been decimated over the last week but I don’t feel like I’m going to hurt someone if I don’t go to the gym so maybe I needed the rest. After lifting/abs I ate a little, started a pie crust (French silk today) and here I am. Have a great start of the week, people. Doesn’t the first slow day after a busy stretch feel wonderful? Hell yes.

Whoo-hoo, I am completely buzzed on caffeine. This morning I had coffee at around 4:30, a diet coke near 6:30, and a latte at 7:30. Will I ever sleep again? If I have a heart attack here at Alterra’s, will they call the ambulance?

The last few weeks have been a bit manic but I’m ok this morning. Highlights!

• My birthday passed well. Really, this was one of the best birthdays I can remember, so thanks for all the messages, people. I had a rough stretch the few days before so the birthday came at a good time. The weather was strangely warm, though. Usually I associate my birthday with cold, pissing rain. I’d rather have the cold, pissing rain, but oh well, if I start complaining about warm weather on my birthday, with all the emotional uplift pouring my way, kick me in the nuts or something.

• Work has been fine. Working out has been good, too. I’ve switched schedules a bit, 45 minutes of cardio a day spread over three different machines rather than one or two. Time passes quicker that way.

• What have I read? Coupland’s Microserfs, Beautiful Creatures, and I just started the new William Gibson. Last night I sat in the glider after a shower, turned on Stars of the Lid (although I rarely listen to music while reading), and read a good seventy or eighty pages. Excellent so far.

• Next weekend will be busy. Dan’s scheduled to come up for the DBT and eels concerts. I hardly bother with any gigs, and then two of my favorite bands play on consecutive nights in Milwaukee. I’m thinking of springing for a hotel room downtown so we don’t have to drive back north or worry of the kids waking or anything.

• Autumn has arrived. This morning I drove over to the Lion’s Den and continued taking photographs for the book. I hope to finish by the end of the year.

• Did I mention my brother visited? Why yes, he did, last weekend. He’s as low maintenance as a visitor can be. He sleeps in his van, for christ’s sake. I don’t think he wanted to watch football, though. But we talked about our history, sort of freaking out M in the process, I think, and ate tacos. We’re different in many ways but both seek out safe, small places, too. He’s my brother, the only family member with whom I feel much of a connection, really. I’m glad he visited.

• Blonde girls get better service at coffee shops than normal people.

• I need a stretch of regular journal entries. They help.

• Mogwai’s Happy Music for Happy People is one of the greatest albums ever.

• More later.

Why good morning, blog readers. I’m in the somewhat-newly cleaned office next to N as he plays Civilization on the other computer. I’d take the laptop into the other room but the crapass power cord detached, somehow, and the battery is low. And how are you? The temperatures are cooler today, probably in the low sixties, now, and I’ve located and readied my pullovers, etc. N, of course, is sitting in his underwear with no estimated time of wearing pants. Well, I’m taking T and he to the farmers market in thirty minutes, so he’ll most likely wear pants then.

The semester’s start has been fine, really, although I don’t feel much of an adrenaline rush teaching. Usually the start of the school year is kind of exciting, but I’ve been too tired for the usual excitement. I’m not sure why. Slight burnout? Maybe I needed a couple weeks to get back in the groove after not teaching all summer. I taught the FUCK out of Wednesday and Thursdays’ classes if only to hold myself to some standards of not sucking.

What else is going on? This is Labor Day weekend. T invited the entire neighborhood over to a bonfire tonight. Good bonfire weather, anyway. If I’m feeling a bit better I’ll get drunk. Maybe I’ll read Beautiful Creatures with tea.

The boys’ start of the school year has been great save one incident in which N got pissed about some writing assignment and told his cute, young second grade teacher that school is “torturous”. I’m glad he has a good vocabulary, anyway. M is at a new school. She was worried about teaching middle schoolers but everything has been fine so far.

I finished Celine’s Journey to the End of Night. Great book. The review’s up on GR. Did I mention I saw Brown Bunny, too. Although I fast forwarded through a few scenes I thought the movie was brilliant, the best film about depression and isolation I’ve ever seen. This weekend I have Buffalo 66 from Netflix, also featuring Vincent Gallo. I’m looking forward to it.

Ok, I better get the boys ready. More later.

I’m on the futon listening to Wild Nothing, waiting for the chocolate/toffee bars to cool on top of the refrigerator. The kids are scattered throughout the house and neighborhood and M’s out. Where did the dogs go? Not sure.

Today has been interesting. I found out that the U doesn’t need me to take on the role as director of teacher education. Let me back up a bit. I’ve turned down the Associate Dean role and told the administration I would do the TE director if they couldn’t find anyone else. Another guy was interested so I’m off the hook. Still, I admit I feel weird about not taking either gig. Historically I would have jumped at either as a status and self-worth providing opportunity. But after the last year, and pushing myself for decades, I’ve come to believe that behavioral pattern no longer works. And although I’m sure I would enjoy facets of either position there would be too many days when I wasn’t home with the kids or didn’t have time to interact with students when I would curse my idiocy for agreeing to the responsibilities. So today, for example, I have the afternoon more or less open. No meetings, nothing big going on, etc. My classes are small this semester and I’ve taught them before. Maybe I’ll go for the next level of rank, maybe I’ll write, maybe I’ll sit on the couch and watch movies. I’ve got time. I think I made the right decision.

What else has been happening? The evil, homicide-inducing hot weather has pulled back, thankfully, although I don’t think we’re done with the wrong end of summer. I’m ready for cool, cloudy fifties and sixties. We’re back in the basement offices at work but rumors abound about a move to the second floor of the main building. I don’t care either way, but I’m glad to be out of the shit temporary offices. After Friday morning I’ll be ready for the semester’s start. The only slightly weird difference is the fact I’m going nearly completely paperless this semester, so I have to grow accustomed to not carrying stacks of crap to the classroom on the first day.

I’ve been reading Celine and keeping up with working out, mixing running four or five miles into the mix. I watched Objectified, a cool documentary on industrial design, last night. Later in the evenings I’ve been mixing one beer with one lunesta and sleeping ok, although last night I only did melatonin and when N crawled into bed in the early hours I woke and struggled to return to sleep. Over the weekend, however, I slept without drugs for the first time in months.

I’m coming to the point where I’m calm with the idea that I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t, I should clarify, think anyone else ever was, but I relied too much on a sense of responsibility and sacrifice to keep me going. I know I’ll be ok, whatever happens, and that’s new to me. I’m calmer. A few weeks back, while meditation, the vision of a calm room with a wood floor emerged. The room used to be messy and cluttered but isn’t anymore. That’s the room in which I live now, and I can breathe through the clutter and maintain the calm. The relationships in my life change, as a result, but I think they’re healthier all around.

Ok, I’m going to check on the toffee bars. More later.

Welcome to a stray mid-day update. The temps are high, upper eighties, so Mack and I are sequestered in the air conditioned bedroom. Mack loves air conditioning. Smart dog.

The last week has been fine, really, and I’m growing used to the time away from the office. This morning, after a five mile walk with the dogs through pouring rain, I drove down to the office. After I found the security guy, and he opened my office door, and then discovered my computer wasn’t hooked up to the internet, I hit the computer lab and avoided the dead-air temporary office. I answered email and got back into GR mode. By ten or so there wasn’t much for me to do so I drove home, ate lunch, and snagged a double-shot latte at Alterra’s for more email and a The Invention of Morel review.

So I’m working through the poems but probably not with enough discipline. I’m trying to balance writing and staying focused and the need to decompress before the start of the semester. I think I’m doing ok. Within a week or two the meetings, etc. will start in earnest. I’m ready.

• We’re only a few weeks from September. I’m ready for autumn.
• I’m reading Celine. The novel may take a few weeks but I’m getting into rhythm.
• M and the boys visited my sister at Wonder Lake yesterday. I didn’t go. I hate that lake, all buggy and white trash, but apparently the kids had fun tubing.
• Rumors abound that our offices may move from the north end of the basement to an area closer to the classrooms. I don’t care much as to the location of the offices, but I need a fucking office before the semester starts.
• Did I mention DBT and the eels are playing the same October weekend in Milwaukee? Can’t wait.
• I might drive down to Chicago Friday. I want to take the L, maybe, from the northwest side down into the city.
• I’ve been watching Louis CK episodes online and through “On Demand”. Holy hell, that’s a great show, esp. after the first episode.
• We also started up our Netflix membership again. The online “play now” function rules. I also watched You, The Living. Pretty good.

Ok, that’s it for now. I think I’ll take my suits to the cleaners, maybe after doing some crunches. Stay cool.

Today was decent. I woke near 3:30 and answered emails, etc. until about 4:30, when I swallowed some coffee and hustled out the door to reach Redbox before everyone else. I picked up Kick Ass before hitting the gym for thirty minutes on the crossramp and crunches. After showering and eating breakfast I started laundry and hit Harrington Beach State Park with M and the boys. We skipped the beach. S and N fished at the terrifying quarry lake while T and I walked around said lake. Near the end of the loop we were within a few feet of a pair of deer who seemed more accustomed to human beings than, say, vegans might recommend. Oh, the mosquitoes were awful, even during the day, especially on the shady wood path. After getting in the car and agreeing never, ever to camp we hit the doughnut shop. Life is good.

Later I picked up my reserves at the library and visited both Costco and Aldi’s (blueberries are on massive sale at the latter). I read Bourdain, eventually finishing the book tonight, between lifting weights, eating wraps, and watching some of the disappointing Kick Ass. The air is warm tonight, too warm, and I’ll happily crash in the air conditioning. Later in the week I’ll hopefully see James and Melissa and maybe take the train to Chicago.

Today I felt flashes of happiness. I could get used to this “not focusing on work” thing. Yes, yes, I could. And I meditated last night and will again in a few minutes. A weird, almost guilty feeling accompanies the happiness, but I’m learning to let that go. And I’m sure the medication helps. The poems are coming. Tomorrow I might start crocheting. Life is good. Good night.

Hey, I just realized today is the first of August. Yay? I’m looking forward to autumn.

So I’m up, 5:10AM, sitting in the dark dining room, considering making pancakes. If I do, I have to cook soon, as I want to hit the Y at 7. What’s on NPR now? BBC, right? Maybe I’ll listen to the BBC and make pancakes. Life could be way worse, don’t you think?

Yesterday was ok. I read at the coffee shop, hung out at home, watched part of The Matrix (whatever happened to Carrie Ann Moss?) and worked on some poems. T described every single Call of Duty development. N and I watched Pawn Stars. I crashed on the bed upstairs and stared at the ceiling. I wrote out some postcards and tried to breathe deeply.

So what am I doing today? I want to learn how to knit and/or crochet. What’s the difference between the two? I have no idea. Maybe I’ll run a search. Can you tell I need coffee? More later. Meditation then pancakes. Happy August.

Rainy Saturday morning, 8:27AM. Well, the rain has stopped, after falling all night, and today could be gross and sticky and overwhelmed by mosquitoes. I think I’ll stay inside except for farmers market and coffee shop jaunts. Yes, I can feel mosquitoes even on the screened front porch. Maybe I’m hallucinating.

This was a pretty good week. Work is discombobulated, as we won’t have office access for at least two weeks, but I camped out in the mostly deserted basement computer lab and wrote a decent first draft of the program annual report. What did I do besides that? Well, I finished As I Lay Dying, dipped into Klosterman and Our Band Could Be Your Life while waiting for the new Bourdain to arrived from the library reserve list, and watched Hot Tub Time Machine. Oh, T’s 12th birthday passed, so I made him a cake and took him Ipod shopping despite his very questionable musical tastes. I worked out pretty hard, to the point where my legs are definitely feeling the effects today and I shouldn’t do cardio. I could lift, though, as I only lifted twice already this week. We’ll see.

I also had a pretty good session with my therapist, who is emphasizing that need to rediscover what makes me happy. Sure, the medication helps, but I also must transcend the idea that doing what I want to do is somehow wrong. So, for example, yesterday, while M and the boys were at the pool with friends I drove down again to the art museum and walked through the galleries. God, I love the MAM self-taught/folk art collection. And I was able to sit quietly in front of a Rothko for a good ten minutes. Now that’s a spiritual experience. Later I met M and the boys at the Lion’s Den but holy bejesus, the mosquitoes were killer. Anyway, I’m trying to get out of the house, even if only to Alterra’s or Smith Brothers, to break some patterns. Strength and energy comes from leaving the house.

I’m also working on a set of poems and photographs tentatively called Crazyman. My brother may visit mid-September, and I’d like to finish and print them up by then, so the artificial deadline might do me well.

Ok, off with S to the farmers market soon. Have a lovely weekend.

You know, I fucking hate high summer. This morning the temps are down in the low sixties for the first time in weeks, and I couldn’t be happier. Um, with the weather, at least.

So I haven’t written in forever. Quick summary:

• M and the boys were out east for two weeks at her mom’s wedding. I painted the bathroom, grew desperately ill, recovered, and watched the entire second season of True Blood.
• My office flooded this past week and I’m not sure when/where I’m supposed to work. On the other hand, I will be using “I lost it in the flood” as my go-to excuse for the next eighteen months, minimum.
• The dogs and I walked a lot up and down Port’s hills.
• S’s team is playing in today’s little league championship.
• We hit the art museum with the boys. Check facebook for pictures. We hit Kopp’s, too, and the boys are hooked.
• I’ve been able to hang out with each boy separately lately. That’s been fun. T helped me clean out my office, S and I hit the farmer’s market, and N tried to teach me how to play Wii’s Super Smash Brothers. He said, “I’m going to dominate you” and he did. I suck.
• I read a lot in the air conditioning. I finished Cheesemonger and Vernon God Little.

I’m struggling with the sense that, biologically, neurologically, I am incapable of recapturing a sense of happiness. I apologize for the dramatic statement. But every now and then I get…happy…I guess, and I remember what it’s like. And then I remember I haven’t felt that way in a long time. But otherwise I’m doing ok, lifting, trying to breathe, etc. I’m not meditating as much as I should, however. Maybe I’ll meditate now. Good morning. I can hear the train in the distance. Pete’s sleeping on his blanket in the corner. I need a shower.

Starting over.

I’m sequestered in the air conditioned upstairs bedroom with the dogs, a little before noon, although the hour feels later. The dogs are crashed, and I’d like them to rest a little longer in the cool room, so I’ll stay here and catch up on my journal. If I leave my desk they’ll follow me downstairs. Oh, I’m sur ethey’re fine. But they’re fun to watch sleep.

And how are you? The house is empty of other humans. M and the boys are out west. Their leaving is always very, very difficult. Both T and S cried at the airport Saturday. I considered driving out to see them, since the cross-the-street neighbors agreed to watch the dogs (although I still don’t understand why the dogs can’t visit as well), but 1) the temps are way high and I don’t want to leave the dogs alone too long, even with dogsitters), 2) the ride west through 90 degree heat would be a bitch, and 3) M’s mom did not sound interested in adding me to the mix. Great. Oh well. Instead I’m painting the upstairs bathroom green. I can paint rooms ok but this is a bathroom, with little corners and crevices and fucked up drywall. I’ll do the best I can. Seriously, this may need three coats. I’ll do two and let the space sit for a couple days and take another look. Oh, I have to sand, too, where the drywall has flaked. Joy.

So what else is up? Nothing, really. I’ll try to write more now the house is open and the time available. More later.

Only just past 5PM, Sunday, but the hour feels later. Not sure why. I’m in the glacial upstairs bedroom, burning a hole in the ozone right about where I’m sitting, I’m sure, but I don’t care, I love air conditioning. Suck it, environment! What have I done today? Hm…let me think. Nat came into the Wii room, where I was sleeping, and curled up next to me around 4:30AM. A storm woke him, I think. We both woke near six. I watched Fox News while he played line rider on the computer. Then I considered making pancakes but bagged the idea when he wanted waffles instead. Through the morning I cleaned, wrote a review of that Gaiman/Guy With The Long Italian Last Name anthology, and hung out with the boys. Pete and I also stood under the gazebo and watched the storm come through after I hit Costco for pizza creation supplies. Then I made the dough (not sure if I was completely successful, need to experiment) and watched some Happy Gilmore with the boys. They seemed to love the film; they’re watching again now. Later I hit the Y for day five (the five days on, one day off rotation seems to work), cardio/upper/lower/abs. Then I finished the pizza, cleaned the kitchen, ate some pizza, and here I am. I’m pleasantly tired. Shall we hit bullet points?

• The new Stars CD, The Five Ghosts, is growing on me. I also finished and sent a shebang CD and a couple out to the Netherlands for a friend.
• S and I hit the West Bend batting cages yesterday after the farmers market. I have some cellphone pics I’ll try to upload later. One of the machines was broken and gave us approximately 100 pitches instead of the usual fourteen. That was awesome. S struggled (his bat was too big, I think) with the 50mph pitches but kicked ass on the softball machine.
• I haven’t taken sleeping pills the last two nights and I’ve slept ok. Maybe tonight I’ll go for a third meds-free night in a row.
• We’ve had a shitload of rain, but in a good way. The sage is growing well out along the garage. I’m too lazy to do much landscaping, though. I know our house pales in comparison to the neighbors. Fuck it. If we ever sell, I’ll landscape then.
• On Friday I played hoops for the first time in six months. We had only eight guys and I acquitted myself quite well, thank you very much.
• My weight shot up slightly. Please be muscle, please be muscle…
• The boys start summer school tomorrow. I considered taking them to Minneapolis this week but they’ll already miss summer school when they’re in hell, er, Chautauqua, so I decided to hold off until closer to September.
• I’m back reading Wind-Up Girl.
• The dogs have been fun lately. I’m not leaving them to hit Chautauqua. I’d love to take them with me.

Ok, that’s all for now. Have a lovely start of the week.

First pizza experiment...turned out, need to practice...

Father’s Day, early in the morning, nearing four. I’ve been up since 2 or so. The laptop battery power is fading so I must write quickly. Mack is sleeping on the couch next to me, sighing every few minutes. The room is dark but I’m pretty sure Pete is dreaming on his blankets in the corner. The window is open behind me, and the cool night air rustles the curtains to the left of my eyes. Every few minutes I hear the kitchen mouse but he may now be especially quiet now he/she knows I’m here and the dogs are loose.

And how are you? My week has been ok, but I’m tight and tired this morning. I’ll be ok. Yes, yes, bluntly, I’m exasperated with the inability to go a week without…crashing…but…apparently I can’t. I’m functional, don’t worry, I drive to work, hit the gym, hang out with my kids, all that, but holy hell, when it hits, it hits. And I can’t handle groups of people at all. Want to hang out?

Ok, what did I do this week? A couple of meetings at the office. Read from that stories collection Gaiman edited with the guy with the long Italian last name. Visited the West Bend farmers market with S. Oh, when was it, Friday morning, I stood outside very early in the morning and watched a massive, perfect storm roll in from the south. I took off my clothes under the gazebo, kneeled, and prayed. Yes, you read that correctly. No, the Wisconsin populace was not scandalized, no one can see me back there. And after a couple minutes the rain drove me inside because, well, the rain was fucking cold. But life is too short not to take off your clothes and pray sometimes. Seriously.

More later.

Is today June 13th? Wow, this month is passing quickly. Highlights! Today was busy, and I’m all sweaty, but I’m ok. Well, let me start with last night. At 4PM M’s “end of the year” work party started. I attended, along with M and the boys, and my full social uselessness emerged. I don’t know if I give off “I suck at talking with people” vibrations or something, but I didn’t do very well. However, 1) I think these people know I’m in education, and you would think that would mean we could converse, but remember, most of the women are in education and their husbands all were wearing Nascar t-shirts and talking about guns. I’m not kidding. So…thank God for dogs and children. I played fetch with a dog named Lacey and baggo with S (he kicked my ass, I tweaked my knee). Anyway, after a brief consultation with M I cut out early. When I arrived home I ate dinner, read a bit, and tried to crash on melatonin. I was somewhat successful but woke at 10:30 and realized no one was home. After a quick set of unanswered texts/phone calls to M I started to worry. They were driving on some dark country roads. But they arrived home minutes later. I was too wired to sleep then so I watched Sportscenter and tossed and turn. By 6:30AM I was up on maybe two hours of sleep. Suckass. The dogs and I read on the back deck until I decided I was sick of looking at the ratty ass couch/ottoman in the living room and drove to ShopKo for a futon frame. Now, follow me here, ok? First off, ShopKo is a depressing store, sometimes more depressing than Wal-Mart, but not often. The ShopKo light is worse and the employees more…mutated. I know that sounds mean, I apologize. The store was deserted, I didn’t see anyone for ten minutes, but I finally found a cheap metal frame for the futon and knocked ten bucks off by signing up for the ShopKo reward card (not a credit card, more like the Borders reward card), so I picked up the frame for a little more than fifty bucks. Why not purchase a decent couch, you ass? Well, the two dogs are not done chewing on crap, and I don’t think they can chew on a metal futon frame, and if they could, well, the frame cost fifty bucks. Knock yourself out, Mack and Pete. The boys were surprisingly adept and helping me maneuver the old couch into the garage (how do we throw that out?) and put together the frame. N and T helped a lot, S not so much. Around noon I hit the Y for 30 hard minutes on the modified stairmaster (the one with the buzzy audio I hate). Later I ate lunch, watched some of the World Cup, fixed the library table, lifted weights/abs, planted hostas and, oh, fucking freaked out when the dogs got out of the yard and I had to chase those little speed demons, yelling “goddamn” and “motherfuck” for the whole neighborhood to hear until I lured them back in the house with dog treats. Yay.

Bullet points, shall we?

• I’m angrier lately. I like to think that’s progress, but I don’t want to scare the kids.

• The new Hold Steady is better than I expected. You can tell the piano guy is gone. I liked him, I don’t mean to say otherwise, but this is very much a guitar record.

• I’m switching my Shebang theme from “weather” to “classical”.

• The kids’ school year is complete. This means I don’t have the house to myself in the afternoons. Shit. Maybe I’ll work at coffee shops more often.

• Work is going well, I’ve finished my autumn syllabi, believe it or not. On to NCATE, etc. I want to take more time off this summer, at least two more weeks. Maybe I’ll travel.

• I finished the excellent Winter’s Bone and have moved on to The Wind-Up Girl. I love Science Fiction in the summer (is “Science Fiction” capitalized?). The start has been slow-going, however, I think because of my horrible lack of sleep. You know, I’m scared I can’t sleep. I’m fucked up. I’ll be ok. Story of my life, I suppose.

That’s it for now. Does tonight feel like Sunday night? Not really, I think, because M and the boys are off all summer.

For everyone behind the ficus...

This morning I woke in the Wii room near 6:30, rose, got ready, and dropped S and N off at school just past eight. Rain was falling and for some reason the carpool lane was bogged down in traffic so I kicked the boys out of the car at the bottom of the hill and sent them sprinting through the (fairly light) downpour into school. They survived. Then I drove down to the Milwaukee Public Museum for the Dead Sea Scrolls. Well, after finding good parking I was early so I had the rest of the museum pretty much to myself. The Milwaukee Public Museum sucks. Just to be clear, this isn’t the Milwaukee Art Museum, which I like quite a bit, this is the historical museum or whatever. The “Old Milwaukee” section is hilariously weird. It’s like a Disney animatronic ride except you have to walk and instead of singing pirates or children you have, like, a German lady cutting sausage. Let me image search. Here we go:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3382/3587088133_885156a2e2.jpg

and

http://image.absoluteastronomy.com/images/encyclopediaimages/s/st/streets_of_old_milwaukee.jpg

I also walked through the section with taxidermied (is that a word?) animals and weird historical scenes with traders and Native Americans. What a sad museum.

The Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit was pretty cool, though, especially since I followed a group of retirees and was just before the school group tidal wave. At the start the exhibit was mostly about the scrolls’ discovery and some historical context, then a short movie on the excavation, and then a little more on the containers that held the scrolls and some facsimiles of larger scrolls. Then you go into a cool dark room with the tiny papyrus fragments and their origins and translations above each fragment. Hm. I can’t find a picture, you’re going to have to trust me. I stood in front of a 2,000 year old piece of Ecclesiastes. Very cool. I bought the museum catalog and drove home in the rain.

Later I met Barb and Amanda at a coffee shop in West Bend. We talked/gossip about the university, etc. for a couple hours before I returned home and made the pie pictured below.

N’s calling. More later…Piratefest this weekend…have a lovely Friday night.

Pics of my first pie experiment...

1) Thanks, Jim, for the recipe...
2) It's apple...I wussed out and got a premade crust, though...I'll try my own crust soon...
3) The pie tastes great. Yay!

Why hello, everyone. I’m on the bedroom floor, the air conditioner blowing over near the window, a train whistle sounding through the skylight. I’m under the weather. This afternoon I curled up with Tokyo Suckerpunch, fell asleep, and woke three hours later. Will I sleep tonight? Hell yes! Thank you, sleeping pills!

Let us proceed directly to bullet points.

• I like my office in the summer. A few colleagues call it “the cave” as in, “I didn’t know you were in the cave today.” I leave off all the lights save one for the plants, turn on music, and work in the dark.
• Tomorrow I’m checking out the Dead Sea Scrolls. I have tickets, even. Then I’m driving out to West Bend to have coffee with Barb and Amanda at one of my favorite, if distant, coffee shops.
• I’ve slacked on the novel this week due to illness. I’ll catch up this weekend.
• Piratefest starts tomorrow. Why doesn’t the city support Piratefest more? Because they suck, that’s why. They support Fish Day, with the white trash shirtless drunks and 70s rock, but they can’t support Piratefest? Port Washington, I love you, but sometimes you’re a dumbass.
• I need to pay for not one but TWO lost library books. In Seattle I left the guide book on the bus. T lost one of his books, too. I will wait until a nice librarian is at the counter and approach with shame.
• This week I picked up Alice in Wonderland from Redbox. Ok, it’s not really Alice in Wonderland, I don’t care what anybody says, but I’m going to watch again anyway.
• The boys are down to the last week of school.
• I’ve been eating like shit, but in a good way.
• Oh, I’ve been on the bike twice this week instead of hitting the gym. Yay vitamin D. Remind me to check wind speeds before I ride in the future, though. Riding north into a twenty mile wind blows chunks.

Have a lovely evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m tired. Off to read.

Why hello, internet friends. I haven’t written in close to a month. My apologies. But this is Memorial Day weekend, and for some reason Memorial Day weekend seems to be a personal transitional period. I don’t know why. For example, two years ago today, after a drunken bacchanal with James, Sean, and Melissa, I looked in the mirror and decided to start working out for real. The end of the school year, the possibility of summer, seems to play a role. I almost feel guilty for liking this stretch so much.

Right now I’m in the newly air conditioned upstairs bedroom. An excellent maple table, salvaged from the CSU library renovation, supports my laptop, a small lamp, the collected Shakespeare work on which the lamp sits, and a few cords for varied electrical devices. Oh, also an old-style timer (the ticking kind) that tells me I have twenty-five minutes until the veggie pasta rolls are finished. T is off at Robin Hood with friends. S and N are in the woods behind the house, taking photographs, and M is gathering her re-certification materials together. Today has been fine. I’ve been quite productive and feel ready (save for burning a couple cds for friends and making lunch) for tomorrow. I watched the boys fish this morning in a Saukville pond (T and I are both a little freaked by fishing, I think, when hooks go through eyes and the like, but N loves the…sport? Do I call fishing a sport?) before making a cake. Let’s go to bullet points, shall we?

• I’ve started a young adult novel. More as that develops.
• The Brewers suck. At least 1) the Cubs suck, too, and 2) seats will be cheap and plentiful soon.
• I’ve read a slew of books, I think, since I last wrote, including Big Machine, some Jim Thompson, Hard Rain Falling, A Wrinkle in Time, and Death Comes For the Archbishop. Now I’m reading Tokyo Suckerpunch (thanks, Tad!).
• A few weeks back I spent five great days in Olympia and Seattle. I love the weather, man, and even the touristy spaces in that part of the country are cool. The ferry was awesome. I could have done without my dumbass decision to save twenty bucks and book a hotel too far from downtown, but I’ll learn from the error (or maybe I won’t). I also survived a hallucinatory twelve hour journey home including a red eye flight, a long stopover in Minneapolis (note to self…Continental Airlines doesn’t have armrests between their seats in the waiting areas, and you can stretch out and sleep), and a hot drive home.
• M and I are in negotiations about the summer family travel/visit schedule. I hate those negotiations so much.
• Eels are coming in October. Must remind Dan.
• I haven’t watched many films lately. No, seriously. M and the boys watched Avatar and I was bored in about ten minutes. Community is quickly moving up the very short “tv shows I will watch every week" charts.
• I’m getting lightheaded lately, not sure why. I’ve used more melatonin than lunesta lately. Tonight I’m going with the latter, though, as it knocks my ass out.
• I’m not in the mood to garden but at least I cut and trimmed the grass. That’s a start, right?
• Workout schedule is in full gear. Yesterday I fixed and fired up the bike for the first time of the season then did a little less than twenty miles to Cedarburg and back. I need a new pedal. That bike is at least a decade old but still runs ok. No complaints.
• Did I mention S and I had great seats for a Brewers game right after his birthday? That was a blast, and I pulled him out of school, too. Yay.

Ok, that’s it for now. I’m doing pretty well. More later. I’m back in the routine, I think. Have a good extended weekend.

5/2/10 10:05AM Sunday

Boogers. Two weeks passed between postings. How did that happen, seriously? I’ll tell you how that happened. The end of the semester is upon us, in all of its horror and “light at the end of the tunnel” glory. Almost done. This last week in particular was a bitch. I was out observing students pretty much every day. I’ve lost track of in which how many classrooms I sat on the back, in tiny chairs, and scribbled notes about nervous teacher candidates’ first experiences in the field. One more week.

And how are you, dear readers? Has spring arrived in your locale? Yesterday was gorgeous and today is promising. I’m on the front porch with the windows open and blinds drawn so I can see the laptop screen. Friday night storms descended on our fair city and I drank heavily while the (Atlanta) Hawks defeated the Bucks. Yesterday I employed the “drink many gallons of iced tea” anti-hangover strategy and sweated toxins out at the gym before falling asleep (thank you, lunesta!) at 7:30. This morning T and I hit the gym again early, I showered, spilled diet coke all over me, and here I am.

• I’ve read two Jim Thompson books in the last few weeks, The Killer Inside Me and The Grifters. The latter’s review is up. Thompson is good. I don’t want to read all his books in a row, however, so I switched to a well-recommended (by Donald and David, at least) Hard Rain Falling. Yesterday I also raided a few BR book lists (Donald, Bram, Jackie, Matt, thank you) and ordered a slew of titles from the library. Without the Eastern Shores Library System I’d probably acquire all these books through Amazon used books services. That would suck.
• Yesterday I realized I hadn’t listened to much new music lately. I snagged a Ben Nichols solo disc based on Blood Meridian and the last Los Campesinos. To what else should I listen?
• The Brewers cannot get their game together but are not completely lost. They either pitch well and can’t hit or hit ok and can’t pitch. I’m slightly alarmed but haven’t given up. We’re only in the first week of May.
• The grass will need cutting sooner or later. The backyard, according to N, looks like a dump. He’s right, but the backyard is the dogs’ domain, so all we can is hope we don’t have to sell the house soon.
• Seattle in a little more than two weeks. I need to check out hotel rooms and ferry schedules to Bainbridge. Maybe I’ll stay on the island one night. That might be cool.
• Yesterday I made banana/chocolate chip bread for the first time. Man, that was easy. The boys, however, pronounced the concept of banana in bakery products as “weird” and “gross”. More for me.

More later. Life is pretty good. I’m trying to pace myself a bit more rather than work like a psycho before collapsing. Let’s practice, shall we? Have a lovely Sunday.

Late Sunday afternoons are weird. What does one do on late Sunday afternoons?

Today has been excellent, but I’m grinding my teeth and worried I won’t sleep tonight. I woke to N crawling on me around six. We chatted for a while before we rose and I hit the gym at seven for forty minutes on the stairmaster and leg weights. Momentum was at stake so I ate breakfast, showered, and drove to Alterra’s. Customers crowded the coffee shop but I snagged counter space and knocked out a couple pages of the Catherine of Sienna paper while the churchgoers and yawning hipsters around me ate breakfast. Then I returned home, watched the Brewers score ten runs in the first inning, and played catch with S. What else happened? Oh, I made a dark chocolate cake with caramel frosting, all from scratch. Blogger isn’t accepting pictures today, apparently, so you have to wait for an image. I’m also focused on preparing for tomorrow today, because I think I’ll sleep better knowing I’m prepared, so I already made tomorrow’s lunch and have most of my clothes ready. Oh, and I did weights and pilates. Good day. But what now? I think I’m going to shave, take a shower, and read. I’m still digging the Jim Thompson.

Yesterday M and I saw the excellent Date Night. I also wrote up some poetry fragments. Progress, progress.

I need to pray/meditate. I don’t want a tense Sunday night, but I think I bring them mostly upon myself. Have a lovely start of the week. I can hear the kids downstairs finishing the last of their homework. Better check.

Why good morning, blog readers. The clock reads 3:36AM, near the sleep point of no return, for me, anyway. And how are you? Sorry about the space between posts. That was unintended. I will make no excuses.

So how…what’s the word…explicit shall I be about the state of my mental health? Oh, fuck it, I’m going to be straightforward. What’s the worst that can happen? Ok, I’m on wellbutrin (sp?). I’ve been on wellbutrin for three weeks. Why don’t we bullet point the experience.

• My psychiatrist is a tiny, friendly woman who pays close attention and can’t sit still. I respect that.

• I’ve seen her twice so far. This last session was particularly fascinating. She said, “you have to remember that you’ve been chronically depressed since, from what I can tell, you were around ten years old. Everyone who knows you only knows you as chronically depressed.” Holy shit. I mean, does that mean for the last thirty years I’ve been someone slightly (or more than slightly) different than who I’m supposed to be? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I can’t quite get my head around the concept. I think she’s right, though. When I look back on pretty much my whole life, well, there’s this veil that’s always present between the rest of the world and me. I always thought that was normal, but perhaps I was wrong. All I could do was work with what I had, you know? And I’ve always, in the background, carried this sense of guilt, that I was doing something wrong, that I was broken. And, well, apparently I am/was broken, but some of the guilt is lifting. I hope I can make up lost time.

• I should differentiate between the psychologist and the psychiatrist. I have a crack medical team.

• So the psychiatrist warned me that 1) I would feel weird periods of elation, and 2) that I’m pretty much guaranteed to have, what did she call them, episodes of depression again. Yay? I experienced #1 in the parking lot of Pick and Save a couple weeks ago. That was interesting.

• I’m on 300mg of Wellbutrin now. I also have lunesta for when I can’t sleep. I try not to talk the sleeping pills every night. They taste horrible, but goddamn, as I said in a previous post, they’re good. I just don’t want to rely on them.

• I’m still exhausted at work…can barely work a full day without collapsing. When will that stop?

Ok, back to the normal blog. M says I should write a book, by the way, about this past year. That’s a decent idea.

And what else has been happening? Last week I was in Louisville for a conference. Louisville is a nice town, from what I could tell, anyway. I sat on the city hall square and took in the sun.

More later. I’m getting tired. Good night/morning.

Happy Easter, people. Easter is my second favorite holiday, after Thanksgiving. I love the sense of hope, of resurrection, Easter brings. I also think of WZRD on Easter, as I covered the Saturday night/Sunday morning show a few years running and stumbled out of the studio into the gritty NEIU parking lot just as the sun rose. Good times.

So what have I done today? I slept late, 6:00AM, and may have slept longer but N slid next to me and we chatted before moving downstairs for cartoons. S was up a few minutes. M and T showed no signs of life so I threw on my running gear and knocked out four miles in the bright morning sun. Everyone was up when I returned so I watched as the boys searched out eggs (the plastic kind, filled with candy) and discovered the video games in their baskets. After a while I am not a necessary component of that activity so I showered and ate breakfast. Later I spent a loud hour at Alterra’s (was the guy working there trying to piss me off by dragging stools across the floor?) writing a To The Lighthouse review (posting tomorrow) and answering email. After a quick lunch N and I played soccer in the back field. He does pretty well, really, but he grew bored after about fifteen minutes and went inside. I can’t play soccer by myself, sadly, so I snuck upstairs, folded laundry, and read Big Machine until M said everyone was going out to play with the neighborhood kids. Since the house was empty I lifted weights in front of Bourdain’s latest Viet Nam episode and swallowed the protein/yogurt concoction that follows weights. S and I watched the Cavs choke to the Celtics as the rain started and, well, here I am.

This has been the best spring break ever. Most of my activities have been local; except trips to Cedarburg and West Bend because of M’s van’s repairs I haven’t ventured more than five miles from the house. I’m ok with that; I’ve done time at the library and various nearby coffee shops. I’m due back at work this week Wednesday. Tomorrow I drop M and the boys at the airport mid-afternoon. I’ll probably stop at the office on the way home and get a couple hours of prep done before returning home to the dogs. Tuesday is wide open except for a dentist appointment. Wednesday morning I teach, but just for an hour, and Wednesday night I fly to Louisville. There’s apparently a cool cathedral near the hotel but other than that I get the feeling this will be one of those quick trips during which I spend my evenings watching cable in a sterile but comfortable hotel room.

I’ll miss the kids tomorrow night. Have a good rest of Easter. Christ is risen, if that’s your thing. If it’s not, spring’s here, and we can always, always start anew.

P.S. I tried Lunestra a couple nights ago. Goddamn I love sleeping pills.

I’m at the Grafton Alterra’s, the counter facing west, Lucero on the headphones. Cars are just activating their headlights and rain is coming but probably not for a few hours. Today was beautiful, seventies for brief stretches, but probably closer to the low-sixties near the water. I can’t get my head around today as Friday and not Saturday, but we Midwesterners take Good Friday seriously, or at least seriously enough to skip work and let the schools out early for spring break.

This morning I woke near 2:30 and decided to rise rather than lie (lay? I can never remember) in bed the last 90 minutes before I rise for the gym. I answered email and knocked out another page in the Catherine of Siena paper. The Y was empty, really, 40 minutes on the elliptical/stairmaster and crunches. After breakfast I felt myself drifting and T was restless so I loaded he and S into the car and hit the coffee shop. See pics below. We also walked halfway down the new stairs from Upper Lake Park to the beach before returning home. I read Virgina Woolf upstairs and crashed for an hour or so before rising and lifting weights to the last half hour of the Bourdain Provence episode. S and I played baseball in the back field and I talked with Mike next door about politics, pension plans, and whether or not the Brewers should sign Jermaine Dye. I made brownies from a new recipe that required me both to use chocolate syrup and boil sugar and butter together. I’m getting better. Since T’s got a friend staying over tonight I cut out to Alterra’s for a couple hours of comparative solitude. M does the same, really, with shopping and her website and all that. I need to stay up to the ungodly hour of 11PM because our dog sitter, a student, works at Barnes and Noble until ten and I really want her to meet the dogs before I leave for Louisville. Normal people stay up this late all the time! I can do it! Only three and a half more hours!

Three quick bullet points:

• I can’t stop grinding my teeth.
• My new phone is awesome. How long have these devices existed? I can check the weather, my email, hell, I can see my location on a map, all with this device.
• Poetry is coming slowly. I need extended focus and discipline to write well. I think I’m ready.

The clouds are rolling in quickly. The flags are wrapping around the poles. Have a great Friday night.

Three pics from earlier today...