Five Things I want to Do Differently in 2007

1. Eat more fruit. I'm actually not bad with the vegetables, but fruit, hardly ever. Not sure why. I like fruit. It's all about habits, I guess.

2. Meditate more often. This is my resolution, and I'm not a resolution kind of guy. I suppose I will have to wait until later in the day to start, as I'm planning on being hungover.

3. I want to avoid perceiving most scenarios from the "what needs to be fixed?" perspective. I'm afraid this fits into the "create drama" pattern so prevalent in my family history.

4. Let things go. This is esp. important at work in light of an upcoming transitional period.

5. Take my kids out more, just the boys and me, whether we visit the gym after school, the bookstore, maybe even a restaurant.

Another pretty lazy day, although I was spurred into activity off and on through the afternoon. I woke after seven, and I can’t say I did much besides clean, Wii-bowl, and hang out with the boys through most of the morning. M and the boy had visitors starting at about eleven, so I cleaned, made lunch, and ate lunch around the kids and the moms’ conversations. After a while I grew bored and restless. M mentioned we needed beer for tomorrow night’s party, so I drove a town over, to a decent liquor store, and picked up a 20 pack of Bud Light (Jim, a neighbor, only drinks A-B products), a twelve pack of Corona Light, and a twelve pack of Hein. Light. When you combine those with another twelve pack, assuming my math is correct, we have 56 beers. Well, fifty-five, I drank one tonight. I think we could use one more case. As M says, the beer doesn’t spoil. Actually, I think beer does spoil, but I can’t tell the difference, so no loss. Anyway, we’re still not sure how many people will attend. I’m more stressed over the numbers than M, though, so whatever happens, happens. After the liquor store I picked up a cheap 8 X 10 frame for a ZRD playlist that usually hangs in the bathroom, but the last frame somehow fell off the wall and broke. I was wired and bitchy by the time I arrived home, so after some television I drove to the gym and rode thirty minutes on the bike. Whoo, did a workout feel good. I had been eating like shit (discovered a stash of Christmas candy and ate more or less half the bag for lunch), and although I probably didn’t lose much on the bike, I felt a ton better for the effort. After a quick shower I ate dinner (M’s quesadillas) and watched some of The Black Dahlia. T and I chatted for a while on the couch before we went upstairs. I read N a few books before he fell asleep. The other two were wired, and I felt badly for sending them upstairs (T constantly, constantly wants to hang out…I’m so torn on encouraging him to be alone sometimes and taking advantage of an attitude I know won’t last forever), but they fell asleep without incident. I finished The Black Dahlia. I’m a huge Ellroy fan, and I thought the film did his work justice at least as much as L.A. Confidential. I don’t think this film made much money. Hilary Swank was esp. strong, I thought, although she could have lost the weird accent and done just as well. After the movie I caught some of the Bucks game (another win). I’ll go upstairs with some Ellroy before bed. Tomorrow is a cleaning day, maybe a workout and a bath before the party starts. I think rain is in the forecast. I don’t mind. I’m up for it. I’ve enjoyed this break. Good night.

I did not accomplish much of anything today. Is sloth expected on vacations? I usually work well when I get so bored I’m spurred towards productivity. We’ll see.
I was up late last night, past eleven, watching Jackass Two. The movie only left me nauseous twice, a marked improvement from the first film in the series. I understand a deluxe boxed set is out. Who the hell would buy the Jackass Collection? Anyway, a couple of the actors were clearly playing up the injuries, but I don’t want to sound bitchy, as I more or less enjoyed the film. At least one can say there is nothing on the market like it.
This morning I woke, from a sense of pick-up hoops duty, at 5:30AM. I hit the gym by 6:00AM. Eight guys showed, enough to play, and we had a few decent games before Todd turned his ankle. I was in no hurry to reach home, I guess, so John, Todd and I sat and talked while waiting for the ice to heal, partially, Todd’s ankle. On the way home I picked up the NY Times and the Wall Street Journal. T was set to visit Discovery World with a friend, so we Wii-bowled for a while before he left. M took S to another friend’s house, then took N out on errands, so I had the house to myself. I watched a bit more of Jackass Two and researched the satellite radio vs. Ipod question on my computer. Later N and I watched “Go, Diego, Go!” while M did PTA crap. I hit the library for The Spirit comic analogy and the film Over the Hedge. I have no idea why the library is closed tomorrow, but I love the library so much I will let the closing slide. My blood pressure drops significantly when I walk in the local library. Seriously. Since T was still gone, and M was taking the other boys for a last minute library run, I drove down to work. I fed Striped Scorched (our office fish) and further researched the Satellite Radio vs. Ipod question, printed out a few coupons, and hit Best Buy. The visit was fruitless. I discovered the Ipod I desired (the $250 one) was out of stock, and the “home kit” connectors for the satellite radio wouldn’t fit any of my rigs. I resisted the urge to blow my gift certificate on something I didn’t really want and drove home. After beans (again, my choice) for dinner, I watched some Scrubs. T arrived home a bit later. I’m not used to him being gone all day, but I trust his behavior and the like. He’s a good kid. I suppose I need to get used to him leaving for the day occasionally. He’s growing up. T, S and I Wii-bowled a bit more. I created a character that looks like M and named her “hottie”. Ha. Might stay up late tonight and watch “Black Dahlia”.

Ten Bullet Post, here we go!

1) I don’t understand Ipods just yet. Ok, I get the whole “have your entire music catalog on a tiny device” thing, but you know, my CD case, which holds forty or so CDs, isn’t that heavy. Do I really need my entire music collection with me at all times? I don’t think so. Plus, would I be able to burn copies of what I bought online, through Itunes or whatever, and send copies to Dan? And what about all this extra crap I would need to buy, like a carrying case or whatever? I’m not yet sold on Ipods.
2) I’m still tossing around the idea of picking up satellite radio, but I’m disappointed that no device I own appears to sync with the receiver. I suppose I could buy a boom box specifically for satellite radio , but, well, I don’t know.
3) I feel like I should start doing yoga again. I’m not sure why.
4) Another Ipod concern…people say, “well, you can listen to an Ipod while you’re walking through the woods.” I don’t want to listen to an Ipod while walking through the woods. I want to hear the wind blow through the trees. Do they sell the wind through the trees sounds on Itunes?
5) I cannot put off cutting my hair much longer.
6) Golden Grahams cereal is very, very good.
7) My day does not feel complete if I don’t read in the bathtub.
8) I should get new plants for the office. Some of my older plants are showing their age.
9) Tomorrow the boys have visitors again. I’m not sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do while the visitors are here. Stupid library. Why aren’t you open? Maybe the library a town over is open. I’ll read some Aristotle. I suppose I could hit a coffee shop.
10) I’ve been drinking too much diet soda (coke or root beer) lately.

Christmas, Etc.

Ok, I haven’t written about Christmas yet, and I should probably get some words down before Christmas seems way in the past, although I already feel a bit weird talking about Christmas, and today’s the 28th. Here we go:

Christmas Eve
The boys performed at the UU Christmas pageant in the morning. T was a reader, S was a donkey, and N was a shepherd. They did well, and I thought the program was organized better than in the past. The kids moved in and out of the sanctuary smoothly, and the entire event took less than forty minutes. I suppose S and N had to sit too long on the floor in the front, but hey, they survived, so I don’t want to quibble. My service ADD was in full force. I watched some of the program from the back of the sanctuary. I saw more from the hallway outside the cry room. I saw a bit more from the lobby. F—k it, I can’t stay still. I stuck around for twenty minutes or so of the “post service cookie” thing, until I literally couldn’t stand the experience any further. I drove home and sat on the couch for what I hoped was a football afternoon.
So much for my hopes. M had told the boys they could open one present before Christmas, and the kids aimed for the largest boxes they could find. The first box was a huge Star Wars lego set. The second set was another huge Star Wars lego set. When I say “huge”, I’m talking three hundred pieces each, conservatively, and four hours of assembly for a structural engineer. What the f—k? I found out M’s brother sent the presents. I hit the roof. What the hell was he thinking? He’s got kids. He should know better. Turns out M RECOMMENDED these presents. I was pissed. I put together about the first hour’s worth of a Death Star, then turned the rest over to M. I finally had to leave because M was getting bitchy about the whole thing, even bitchier than myself, and I was ready to blow. A quick drive around town calmed me down.
Christmas Eve was ok. We tried to order pizza but every pizza place in the phone book was closed. Strange. I thought Christmas Eve was a traditional pizza night. We settled for high-end frozen pizza. I helped the kids get to sleep, read some Elroy, and fell asleep.

Christmas

The boys were up early, but not too horribly early, now that I think about it. We did the whole presents thing right after breakfast. M did a good job with the shopping…I didn’t help much this year. At least one gift is a hit that I don’t expect to be a hit every year. This Christmas a small stuffed tiger N deemed “Jackie” became the toy of choice. N hardly leaves a room without Jackie. The Wii, of course, was the present du jour. I set up the system in the spare bedroom and let the boys do their thing.
Christmas afternoon is always a bit weird. I didn’t have much to do, as my presents were practical (e.g. this weird anti-sinus mask thing M got me) or gift cards. I watched some television and cleaned the kitchen. Then I made dinner, pasta rolls and acorn squash with blueberries (same as Thanksgiving, more or less). Later on I watched “Little Miss Sunshine” with M and her mom. Man, that movie was fantastic. I was slightly drunk, so perhaps my radar was off, but I don’t think so. I want a poster of the film for my office.

Here's a pic of the boys in front of the tree, just before they opened their presents:

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i196/randomanthony/december032.jpg

Day After Christmas

These days start to bleed together. I played hoops in the morning. M had to drop off her Mom at the airport. They hit the mall early for exchanges and lunch. The boys played with their toys while I did some laundry and tried to clean the house. Too many toys were around to make much headway. After M returned I…I…I…don’t remember what I did. Oh, I watched “My Superhero Ex-Girlfriend”. The film was surprisingly ok. Perhaps my taste has diminished, and I’ll laugh at anything. I don’t know. Later I hit Blockbuster (crowded), returned the films, and picked up three more (The Last Kiss, Black Dahlia, Jackass Two). I cruised the computer, trying to decide between an Ipod and Satellite Radio (I snagged a 100 buck gift certificate to Best Buy from M’s mom) and played Wii with the kids. Here’s a picture of us all playing Tony Hawk’s Downhill Jam. Oh, M also barely…BARELY…beat me at Wii boxing. Let us never speak of that event again.

Here's a pic of the boys and myself playing the Tony Hawk Skateboarding game. You can barely see me...I'm wearing the green shirt on the left:

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i196/randomanthony/december103.jpg

Dec. 27th

I drove into work after basketball and spent about four hours cleaning, answering emails, and working through a week’s worth of mail. The routine correspondence didn’t present much of a problem, although my brain was somewhat fried by the time I left for home. I also watered the plants and fed the office fish. Oh, I stopped at Borders for new calendars (Japanese Art-Office, Dragonology-Home) and picked up another copy of Aristotle’s Ethics. I had lent the last copy to a student who passed away not long ago.
The rest of the day was painless. The boys and I watched tv and played Wii (getting better at Bowling). Dan and I talked on the phone for a while. I think he’s at PBK’s mom’s funeral today. I fell asleep on the couch before eight. Not sure from where the fatigue emerged, but man, I was hit hard. I didn’t wake this morning until after seven…slept for close to twelve hours, missed Thursday morning basketball.

Today

I had planned on working on observation transcripts this morning at the library, but I felt guilty that M and the boys were on their own, so I suggested we go up to Green Bay to check out the Packers crap. We decided on the Domes instead. I’m glad we made the change, as the Domes are way closer (about sixty minutes closer, at least), and I wasn’t in the mood for a long drive. We arrived at the Domes by 10:30. Now, as far as tourist attractions go, the Domes are pretty lame. The Domes consist of three large glass, well, domes. Any male over the age of three wouldn’t be able to help seeing them as breasts. Let’s get that out of the way right at the start. Anyway, one dome is an arid habitat, one dome is a rain forest habitat, and the third is, well, I’m not sure, but the third dome contained a lot of poinsettias and Christmas decorations, so maybe the third dome rotates. I’m a plant guy, so I found most of the foliage interesting, but my kids grew bored pretty quickly. We didn’t spend more than thirty minutes between the three spaces. I guess the boys liked looking for stray birds and reading about some of the weird plants, but I can’t blame the boys for their natural attention span. We got the Domes out of their system, anyway, and they had been asking to visit the site for a while. I’m not sure why they were asking for a Domes visit, by the way...a mention at school may have piqued their interest. All three kids had seen the Domes at least twice, I think, but they had forgotten the experiences. That’s ok. The Domes aren’t exactly memorable.
I ate vegetables and chili beans for lunch (as I did yesterday) then Wii bowled against T for a while. M and I watched a couple of “My Boys” episodes. I decided to cook something new, so I went through the cookbooks and hit the supermarket. The checker accidentally beaned a mildly developmentally disabled bagger (slowest in the store, in case you were wondering) with a case of diet root beer. I’m not sure how that happened…I think she was leaning over to put the case under the cart just as the bagger leaned down for another paper bag. I know this will sound horrible, but I almost peed my pants trying not to laugh. Anyway, the case burst open. I told the checker not to worry about getting another one, but she insisted. The neighbor girls were over by the time I arrived home. We settled on Boboli pizza for dinner. I f—ked it up somehow. I think I didn’t cook the pizza long enough…the crust came out tough and chewy. S—t. Later S and I played “War” (he called the game “Kings” for some reason) with an oversized deck of cars he received from the neighbors for Christmas. Later T and I watched some “Scrubs”. I just checked on the boys, and all three are either asleep or near sleep. Good night.

Ten Things That Were New To Me In 2006

1. I find myself sleeping with two pillows instead of one. I'm not exactly sure why, but I can hardly sleep without two pillows anymore.

2. My friend Mary recommended Melatonin for insomnia, and I discovered the deep, dreamless melatonin sleep.

3. I've discovered that if I don't shave I have grey in my beard. I quite like the grey.

4. I listened to Satellite Radio at my brother's house in the mountains. I'm considering getting a set-up with a Christmas gift certificate. I'm torn, though, between satellite radio and an Ipod, and I'm still resisting the idea that CDs are dead.

5. Whale watching, way back in January in San Diego. Quick tip for whale watchers....whales stay underwater as much as possible, especially when chased by a tour boat full of gawking tourists (including myself).

6. Borges. What a genius. "The Immortal" may be my favorite short story ever.

7. August....discovered long train rides on Amtrak were awful. I had taken the train to New Orleans about eighteen years ago, and over the eighteen years forgot how long train rides can be, with all the inexplicable, unscheduled stops and delays.

8. I saw and smelled my first hookah bar outside the Erie, PA train station late at night while waiting for the pit of a train station to open at midnight for a 1AM boarding (which took place at 4:20AM, by the way). That night was easily my most surreal of the year.

9. Alternating bike riding with running and basketball throughout the summer. My knees thanked me...this was perhaps my best decision all year.

10. Whoring myself out (uh, figuratively) to university donors. Apparently I'm quite good at it...or the U is just desperate for people to wear a suit and take potential donors (monetary, not sperm, by the way) out to fancy lunches.

More later!

Ok, sorry for the posting delay, but I was out of town most of the week. Here’s the update, starting with last Monday.

Monday

I called my brother to find out what kind of guitar to get T for Christmas, and I found out that his girlfriend would be out of town most of the week. As we talked about guitar nuances he said, “this would be easier to show you” and, in a moment of inspiration, I talked about flying out to see him. M and I talked. She was ok with my flying out, in part, I think, because she wants to fly to NY to hang out with her mom and brothers later in the winter, and allowing me to fly out to Denver makes for good family public relations, if you know what I mean. I got online and reserved hotel rooms in Lincoln, Nebraska, for the drive out and back, then, on a lark, checked the airfares. I found a flight and car for a total of $400 bucks. Assuming I filled the gas tank eight times, at 25 bucks each, plus added 130 bucks on hotels for the way out and back, I’d be at $330. I decided to eat the seventy extra bucks and take the flight.

Tuesday

M dropped me off at the airport in the morning, and I hit the Memphis airport for a quick layover, Mystery Train style, before an early afternoon arrival in Denver. I picked the rental car from one of those way in the middle of nowhere rental car lots after a long wait for a shuttle. I decided that rental car clerk ranks high on my “jobs I never want to do” list. You have to work in these stunningly dull non-descript buildings, way out away from everything, all the while trying to convince people to buy extra insurance or upgrade to a Cadillac or something. A kid with dreadlocks and an island accent gave me my keys, and I was on my way. I followed a tollway sign towards Boulder, which led to another tollway, which led to another tollway. Six bucks later I was on the last road to Boulder. I was pissed at the toll people…false advertising, if you ask me.
Now, I haven’t been to Boulder in close to fifteen years, so I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, but I couldn’t believe the entire city had essentially become a large mall, not the Neiman-Marcus kind, but the Whole Food and Barnes and Noble kind. I hooked up with my brother in front of some coffee shop. He and I snagged a burrito, then I followed up the mountain, a thirty minute drive, and parked in the driveway next to his house. He had an open stage to host, but I was kind of tired, so I begged off and stayed home.
My brother’s rented house is crazy. The house is an A-frame, with a sleeping loft at the apex of the letter and a basement/secondary living space at the base. The main living space is between the two. You have to climb a ladder to reach the loft. A hole in the floor and additional ladder leads to the basement. The water, according to my brother, is not safe for drinking; he also has no television or microwave oven. The bathroom is pretty scummy, too. The house runs primarily on solar power and smells strongly of bad incense. Why can’t my brother ever live anywhere normal? I read Jon Savage’s incredibly detailed book on the Sex Pistols for a while, listened to Chopin, and fell asleep.

Wednesday

Snow was falling when we woke. Snow was falling later. Snow kept falling all day. We took my brother’s car into the city to shop for Christmas presents. We ate breakfast at some place called Dot’s Diner, a hot, stuffy place in a strip mall with servicable vegetarian burritos. By the time we reached Boulder the city had more or less shut down. We hit Circuit city for a home XM radio hook up, then Whole Food for water and hippy food. My brother was getting nervous about the weather, so we headed back up the mountain early. I got carsick from playing with his car satellite radio through the mountain curves. We spent the rest of the night listening to the radio, reading, and watching the snow fall. My brother assured me his landlord would plow out the rental car, now a vague outline in the snow, by morning.

Thursday

Thirty inches of snow had fallen by Thursday morning. I listened to a fascinating interview with a priest from Homeboy Industries on my brother’s satellite radio. If I drove a lot I could rationalize getting a satellite radio system myself. I’m tempted. We drove into town and had breakfast again at Dot’s Diner. Only one waitress reached work, so we had to wait forever for our food. The waitresses’ two kids were with her, answering the phone and playing hangman behind the counter. The schools and just about everything were shut down for a second day. I didn’t get it. By Thursday morning the streets should have been cleared. Had the Milwaukee city crews reacted in this manner to Midwestern snow, heads would have rolled. My brother and I drove around town but mostly everything was closed. I did pick up a disposable camera and diet coke from a Walgreens. We headed back into the mountains, up to a town called Nederland. Nederland seems like a badly planned collection of buildings in the absolute middle of mountain nowhere with a huge bright sun bouncing off the snow blanket. However, they do have a Best Western, a library, and a few restaurants. We drank hot chocolate in a converted railroad car, then decided to get some food at a bar my brother’s band was scheduled to play Friday night. I ate a spinach salad and felt pretty good. We snagged some more hot chocolate and headed home.
By this time we thought the driveway, about 150 feet long, would be clear for my rental car. It wasn’t. My brother freaked out on his landlord. My brother describes his landlord as some asshole new age guy who just had a heart attack. Apparently the landlord wants to turn off power in the middle of the night to save power, etc., and agreed to plow. He and my brother shouted at each other on the phone, ending with the landlord telling my brother to “shovel his own fucking snow”. Even though my rental car was at stake, I suppose, I found two hippies screaming at each other on the phone highly entertaining. My brother was pissed. I suppose his anger and my fear coalesced in the desire to push the car down the mountain in the dark. Armed with two shovels we first cleared off the car and slowly, over about thirty minutes, dug out a circle large enough to turn the car so the front faced the bottom of the mountain. Over the next hour we pushed the car ten feet forward or so, then dug another set of trenches for the wheels, over and over again until we reached the bottom of the hill. I found the experience exhilarating. I was covered with snow, wearing sneakers instead of boots, pushing from behind while my brother drove the car, rocking backwards and forwards until we moved forward, me running behind, into the next snowdrift. We’d scream every time we succeeded. Anyone on the mountain heard us. We probably scared some deer. Once we burst through the last wall of snow, we parked the car tight against the road. I wanted to piss in the landlord’s mailbox, but my brother wouldn’t let me. We trudged up the mountain, hung up our clothes near the wood stove (the entire place is heated through wood and propane), and fell asleep.

Friday

I forgot two important points from earlier in the week:

My brother apparently doesn’t believe in smoke detectors. When I pointed out his was covered in cobwebs, he said, “we never put a battery in that, dude. Live a little.” Apparently a microwave isn’t included in his “living a little” definition, but sleeping through fires fits the definition. I didn’t tell M about the dead smoke detector until after I left, by the way.
As you may have heard, the Denver airport was completely shut down by the blizzard. Now, my brother had two gigs scheduled for Friday, and I didn’t want to attend either because of the impact they would have on a Saturday morning departure, so I had M check on moving my flight forward to Friday. Thank God she wasn’t able to do so, because all Friday flights were cancelled. I’d probably still be in the f—king airport. I also read that some nine year old kid got stuck alone in the airport. Crazy. Only one year older that T. I worry so much about my kids when I’m away from them.

My brother made a hippy breakfast, broccoli, mushroom, and potatoes, in the morning. He’s a decent cook. While he loaded his guitar down the mountain and into his car I saw a huge deer, antlers and everything, just above his house. I shot some pictures. The deer noticed me, even though I was inside, then jumped surprisingly gracefully through the snow into the trees. The temperatures were rising, up near forty, and the sun was blazing. My brother walked me to my car and I left at about ten or so. The ride down the mountain was more or less uneventful. I moved slowly, as the curves scare the hell out of me, and breathed in relief when I reached the bottom. I hate heights. By the way, my brother hates heights too. This trip reminded me of the weird quirks we had in common, like heights and a lack of social skills outside our fields (his, folk music, mine, teaching).
Boulder was open, finally, so I walked the Pearl Street mall, looking for M’s Christmas present. One knick-knack shop had promise, but nothing jumped out at me, so I opted for a cool card game I found at a game-specific store. M plays cards with the kids all the time, and I thought she’d like this game…it’s all about shapes and logic and matching. I think. The box said, “six and up”. I tried to see a movie, but I couldn’t find the theatre, and the mall parking lots were a mess, so I decided, at noon or so, to head towards Denver.
The roads into Denver were a mess. Even the highways still evidenced stray snow piles. Who the hell plowed? I ran over some of these and, between the spinning tires (we could smell burning rubber) and the rough ride, developed some rental car paranoia. I passed a couple more malls, along the highway, but cars were lined up and down the exit ramps, so I decided to skip them and hit the art museum. The trip was absolutely harrowing. Imagine driving through Dan Ryan traffic if the lanes are dotted with huge piles of snow. I had google directions, which I f—ked up, but I still managed to find the museum. I had heard some people got nasty vertigo in the new building, but I managed to avoid the feeling. The museum didn’t have many “knock it out of the park” pieces, but the modern art section was interesting, and a couple of individual collector exhibits were strong. I ran out of energy before I could complete the second building. I particularly liked a huge Pacific Islander exhibit, connecting art with cultural practices (cool canoe) and this one section with flashing, changing LCD numbers built into the floor. Oh, there was this human body form with steel rods sticking out all over the place. Very cool. Maybe I can find it on the website…I don’t remember the artist.
By this time I was tired and hungry. I reached the hotel area with a minimum of drama, stopped at a sleazy Subway for food, and hit the hotel. I’ve learned that neighborhoods near airports tend to be pretty, how shall I put it, scummy, so I planned on staying inside for the night. However, I lost my comb, so I asked the desk clerk for an extra, but she was out. I walked down the side of a busy four-lane (I felt like walking) to a large convenience store, where I bought a comb and a liter of diet coke. The hotel room was small but contained a television (yay!) and a warm, clean shower. I took two showers in two hours, ate a sub and a half, and watched two basketball games. I had a hard time sleeping. I was worried the airport wouldn’t be at full-force by the time my flight left on Saturday, and I was missing my kids big-time. Some pop tarts helped me fall asleep. Pop tarts in a hotel bed…never a bad idea.

Saturday

I woke before five. The hotel had a continental breakfast, but it didn’t open until six, so I cruised the hotel’s internet connection in the lobby. I sent some emails and checked on my flights. The continental breakfast sucked, but I ate a lot anyway, as I felt guilty about spending any more money than necessary. The owner, a fat Mexican guy, kept watching me as I ate two bagels. I was worried he was going to ask me to slow down. After breakfast I checked out, filled the car with gas, and dropped off the rental car. The interior still evidenced a decent amount of snow, esp. near the driver’s feet, but the guy checking in the car was too busy to worry.
I caught the shuttle to the airport. As we pulled up to the terminal, I could see a line stretching out along the side of the building. This did not exactly inspire confidence. However, there are advantages to flying into Denver through a non-hub airline (NWA, in this case), because I needed less than ten minutes to check my bags, whereas apparently United and Frontier customers had to wait a couple hours. Ten minutes passed before I found the end of the security line. Yes, the line was that long…I’d say probably three-quarters of a mile long. We waited ninety minutes to pass through the security gates. A young couple behind me was on the verge of missing a flight to Houston. I hope they made their connection. A set of teenagers in front of me were flying to Rockford. They did not seem amused by my Rockford jokes, but perhaps the security line isn’t the time or place for such discourse. A fight almost broke out when this huge (about ten people) white trash family cut in the security line. There is a special place in hell for that type.
My flight didn’t leave until past eleven, so I had a couple of hours to blow before leaving. No worries. I splurged on a James Elroy book (Destination Morgue) for the plane and read leftover newspapers. Dan called (my friend, not my brother) and told me this other guy we know lost his mother to a car accident. This conversation did not fit the context…strange to talk about that type of incident on your cell from an airport. After boarding we waited on the runway for about an hour until we left. I wouldn’t have minded, as I was scheduled for a two hour layover in Minneapolis, but by this point I was getting hungry. This Asian girl fell asleep next to me while I read the first hundred pages of the Ellroy. Good book, worth buying, even if I already had four books in my luggage. In Minneapolis I ate a pizza and a burrito. I was starving. Afterwards I wasn’t feeling too well (apparently pizza and burritos are not natural dietary companions), but after reading more stray newspapers, I felt a bit better. I was lucky enough to get the one seat on the Minneapolis/Milwaukee flight next to an empty seat, but my pleasure was marred by a loud guy behind me who kept on trying to pick up the young mother across the aisle. She was no catch, either, trust me. I read Spin’s end of the year issue, which I had picked up in Minneapolis, and I realized I hadn’t heard of most of the albums in their top fifty. I’m too old to keep up with that crap.

Ok, that’s it for now. This trip was important to me…I can’t quite explain why or how, just yet. Give me time. Merry Christmas.

12/16/06 7:19AM

Quick dream post…I was with the kids in the town of Elkhart Lake, except Elkhart Lake, in this case, was an idealized small town. The roads weren’t paved, they were tan clay, and the houses were small, spare, and well-kept. Everything seemed to revolve around one or two blocks…a lot of shade trees, what looked like an old gathering building, long and low. A house on the corner, playing slow Beethoven through speakers attached to the porch walls. The boys were with me, at least T, and I alternated between feeling extraordinarily calm and worried. I believe Elkhart Lake made an appearance, by the way, because of a mention in the newspaper last week.
I am as physically and emotionally tired as I can remember…more later.

Already 10:45PM, not tired yet, two beers into what could be three or four. Don't know how much sleep I'll manage. I had to deal with one too many ass clowns today. "Ass clowns". I love that phrase.

10 Bullet Post! Here we go!

* I've been doing better with staying calm and keeping the snakes off my heart. Today was rough, though. I know how easy one can fall off the path, how I can grit my teeth again, constantly, and forget how to breathe, in the wrong circumstances. The last week of the semester at a university...that's the wrong circumstance. One more day, then the waves should start breaking early. I think I'm going to avoid work-related email from next Friday through early January, and even next week I'll take the days as easily as I can.

* I took in the biedermeier show at the Milwaukee Art Museum again today. I saw it on my birthday, back in September, but the show's leaving in a few weeks, and I wanted to see the exhibit again before it left for Europe. I wouldn't expect to be that interested in a show about German furniture and whatever, but I loved the experience. The glassware and writing tables, oh, and a couple of square armchairs for which I would kill particularly caught my attention. Here's a link to the exhibit:

http://www.whosbiedermeier.com/

* I have listened to nothing but The New Pornographers in the car for the last two days, mostly "Twin Cinema" but also "Mass Romantic". Man, are the New Pornographers great. "Sing Me Spanish Techno" might be my favorite song from the last few years.

* I have played hoops four days in a row. I might break that streak tomorrow, if I'm up too late, but I'm doing ok. This morning I shot lights out in the last game. I think I hit five shots in a row. Can't complain, as I think I heard someone say when another guy went off, everybody deserves a day like that every now and then. My left knee hurts, I twisted it while covering a fast break, but I think I could handle one more run.

* I've been dreaming about the pet store with huge fish tanks again. I dream about fish, pet stores, and aquariums a lot. Last night's dream features self-generating fish...a narrator was commenting about small fish near the bottom of a tank that had emerged out of nowhere. Interesting, eh?

* I have been reading Vaz's "Saudade" on Mary's recommendation. She pointed me in the author's direction after I lent her some Murikami. I like the book so far, although I've had a hard time concentrating. More on that in a second. Anyway, I might switch to "England's Dreaming" when that arrives from the library. I feel like I need something lighter for Christmas week.

* Yesterday I watched "Talladega Nights". I liked the film more than I expected. You can't lose with a guy running around in his underwear. Even my kids get that.

* I feel like my memory is fading lately. Could that be connected to diet coke? Stress? I don't know. I can't remember people's names, which disturbs me greatly, as I'm very good with names. I couldn't remember this guy from basketball's name yesterday. Weird. I'm good at that sort of thing. Maybe I have a brain tumor.

* No huge plans this weekend. Maybe I'll catch up on transcriptions. I didn't do any yesterday. I hardly left the couch. My body was not cooperating. I also want to skip the department holiday lunch tomorrow. I might call my brother, if my mom sent his cell number, on guitar advice. I could use some time to clear my head...shopping for the kids might help.

* M's been sick and kind of tired lately. I feel badly for her. She's not usually like this. I hope she's sleeping well.

Quick dream post, and I don’t feel badly that I’m up this morning, as I fell asleep by eight-thirty. I dreamt I was doing a show, as we used to call the experience, back at WZRD. I was unprepared, as usual, so I was running from the record library to the booth (different than the real booth, at least the real booth back then, facing south instead of west). I played some Paul Kantner (I think that name emerged because Mary told me a story about sitting next to him in Amsterdam) and Cocteau Twins and ran into the mother of one of my former students in the record library. She’s kind of a liberal hippy, so I wasn’t surprised to see her there. An old black woman yelled at me for letting the sound levels get too high, and I argued with her about where the spikes landed. This dream is a bit more obtuse than usual, it seems.

I wish I had something I was really into reading. Maybe I’ll sleep a bit longer. I’m yawning.

Decent weekend, I guess, but way too fast, faster than usual. I'm feeling that end of the semester exhaustion. Soon I will walk away from my colleagues, thank you very much, and I don't want to see them for at least two weeks. This is the last real week of the semester, thank God. Then I get a week with hardly anyone in the office, during which I can finish my doctoral data transcription, clean my office, and otherwise decompress. Then I get a week away from everything. If I get my transcriptions done, I might stay away from doc/work for the bulk of that week. Ok, here's a ten bullet post to wrap up the weekend, save for a "Crap, I have to return to work tomorrow" Sunday night feeling.

* Yesterday I went to Michael's and bought sculpture clay. I played with the clay last night after everyone fell asleep. I tried to render a recurring meditative vision, a gray tree with a serene face, and I thought I did an ok job for my first try. I want to take a sculpture class, maybe over in Cedarburg at the arts center. Maybe I'll call them tomorrow, as their website appears outdated.

* Today I watched "Clerks 2" while M and the boys were visiting friends. The afternoon was a bit weird, actually. I thought I should do something productive, so I played with the clay a bit more, wrote a few lines of poetry that have been in my head, etc., but I felt like I needed to decompress a bit more before work tomorrow. I watched football for a while, then turned on the movie, which held up well to a second viewing. There aren't too many movies about friendship amongst loser guys. Thanks, Mr. Smith. I speak that language.

* Yesterday N and I were home most alone of the afternoon while M, T, and S attended a birthday party at a roller rink. We had fun...we made cookies together, then he played with the sculpture clay at the kitchen while I made dinner. Here's a picture:

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i196/randomanthony/nov06pictures205.jpg

* Last night I couldn't find Shadow's leash, and I really wanted to take her for a walk. Man, was I pissed. I drove to both local pet stores, both of which had just closed (this was at about six PM), then bought a leash at Target. We walked through downtown, up the hill, and down some side streets. Worth it.

* Isn't the shortest day of the year coming soon? Let me check. December 20th. Not that far off. Winter's going ok, I think, considering we've already had a load of snow dropped upon Wisconsin.

* I need to play hoops tomorrow. I've hardly worked out at all in the last week, and I can feel my muscles ready to move. I'll organize my clothes tonight so I can get up and go early. The temps will be higher than last week, cold but not oppressively so, and I'm looking forward to getting on the court before tomorrow's meetings.

* Oh, we watched "Pirates of the Carribean 2", too. Man, did that ending suck. I think the producers watched "The Lord of The Rings" a bit too much beforehand. Anyway, maybe I didn't like the ending because I was enjoying the film. I didn't hate it. I love watching DVDs on double-time, by the way. I'm an impatient bastard.

* M and I also stumbled onto a show called "My Boys" last night on TBS. The show was surprisingly watchable. The film was set in Chicago, too, and at least made an attempt (e.g. mention of Kingston Mines) to retain a local feel. The apartment looked like a Chicago apartment, if that makes sense...tight against the street in a walk-up, if you know what I mean.

* I haven't read much lately. I guess I've been in the Simic a lot, but I haven't found a book that has caught and held my attention since the Klosterman. Maybe I'll go back to the Thoreau and the Francis books before Christmas. Mary recommended a few titles, or I could pick up some Murikami again. The book I need will find me soon.

* I haven't been to the museum since my birthday. Maybe next week. I'm in the mood. The museum loosens the snakes from my heart.

Friday night, about 9:30PM, drunk and exhausted. I was watching the latest Pirates of the Carribean earlier (mostly on 2X DVD, which allows me to read the subtitles but pick and choose amongst the scenes) until I felt buzzed enough to get on the computer and write. I have to save my December entries, by the way. I have this fear that one day Blogspot will disappear, carrying off my entries into the ether.

Ok, I wanted to write about exhaustion. Maybe I'll look up the definition on one of those medical websites. I sometimes think I'm struggling with some form of exhaustion. Case in point...I have an intense inability to stay in meetings for extended periods of time. I swear, I experience something akin to a panic attack if I stay in the room of a gathering, esp. a work-related meeting, for more than thirty minutes or so, esp. if I'm not actively involved. I feel an absolute compulsion to get the hell out of the room. I guess I've always felt like I'd like to leave meetings (I doubt I'm the only one), and I tend to overload on stimuli in large groups, but I think my biological and psychological responses are growing immediate and overwhelming. I've worked really, really hard these last few years...I start to wonder if my cup is full, as far as stimuli is concerned, and I just can't take any more. As you can probably predict an inability to remain in meetings is a slight problem for an academic administrator. If I start a new job, and I need to establish myself in a new environment, I'm in trouble. I think of this guy I saw at a DPI thing a couple weeks back, a nerdy guy at one of those hotel ballroom presentations about assessment or whatever, and that poor bastard had to sit next to his dean and pretend like he was paying attention. I'd probably sit at the table and consider suicide. My friend Mary says she transcribes poetry while she spaces out. I don' know. I suppose I could find a coping device. I could not cut it as a company CEO. Anyway, today I left work at about 2:30, blowing off an Italy meeting, but, in all fairness, I didn't get home until eight or so last night, and I was loathe to stick M with the kids on her own two nights in a row.

This will be a successful weekend if I don't leave the house much. Tomorrow I might hit an art supply store. I saw this clay online that looked interesting, one that doesn't require a kiln but hardens after it dries. The material looked interesting. I know I'm not going to be super sculptor right off the bat. There's also this new-agey store in Sheboygan that looked interesting when we were up at the waterpark. So maybe I will go out tomorrow. I need a walk, too, and the temps are supposed to rise but the wind's intensity will also increase. We'll see.

Ok, starting to fade a bit, good night. One more beer.

Quick ten point post, since I can't sleep, anyway:

1. I've been doing better with the stress thing, at least until tonight. This image of a knot of snakes, a hibernaculum (is that snakes or bats?) around my heart comes to mind...tight around my heart, keeping me from breathing. And over the last few weeks the snakes have slowly let go. Tonight they feel tight again, somewhat, but I've felt my spirits rise on the improvement. Two steps forward, one step back...I could live with that.

2. I haven't played hoops for a week due to a foot injury. I'm hoping to play tomorrow, but I may sleep through the alarm if I'm not careful.

3. Cold tonight, post-apocalyptic cold. Near zero cold. When the boys wake tomorrow I will point out that, under the ice and snow, plants are sleeping, and in six months they'll wake and push through the soil. I don't know if people near the equator understand the power that knowledge can give one through difficult nights.

4. T and S have been fascinated with burning sage lately. I didn't pull much off the bushes this year, only four or five bundles, because one bush wasn't particularly strong and I didn't want to abuse the other. I might have more up in a cabinet. Anyway, the boys like lighting strands over the fire and slowly blowing on the smoke. They understand the purpose, the potential for purification, and they sense the liturgical nature of the experience. I hope they remember our lighting sage together for the rest of their lives.

5. Tomorrow will be a very long day...the unholy trinity of strategic planning, a holiday party, and a late afternoon at the office. I'm grinding my teeth. Habits are hard to break, but I'm improving. Begone snakes!

6. Painting or sculpture? That is the question. I will probably suck at both, but I want to try both. I've looked online for supplies.

7. Speaking of artistic expression T and S want guitar lessons. We'll see. Where do you find guitar lessons in the Milwaukee suburbs?

8. I don't think I say enough that my wife is an excellent mother. She'll do anything, dart gun fights, sledding, anything with the kids. She's amazing.

9. I saw "Beefest" a few days back. Stunningly bad movie. I'm disappointed in the Broken Lizard guys...they had so much potential back when "Super Troopers" was released.

10. I've been reading Borges and Simic lately. Borges shines brilliantly. Simic is interesting. More later.

Quick dream post, before I forget...I dreamt I was enlisting in the military and the stone building at the top of the hill in "dream port" were the departure headquarters. I first climbed to the top of the building, a yellow stone building, like Chicago's old water tower but thicker, like Port's downtown buildings, but taller. A man with a ponytail, an older man, was launching a flying device of some sort. I felt an intense vertigo, enough to make me lie flat on the floor until I moved downstairs. Hundreds of men, including myself, were leaving by ship. I vaguely remember rushing for food and a bathroom (an old childhood friend was there, C. B., believe it or not), and I remember chatting with a couple people about what books I could take on the trip. The trip was related to a middle east effort of some sort. More later.

A bit past ten, probably a good time for a post. Today was ok. I played hoops in the morning, just made it on time, after taking some melatonin (more on that later) last night and struggling to wake this morning. After hoops I stayed home and finished the action research chapter ones before M dropped off N at home. He sat on my lap while we watched "Diego" together. After that I drove to BD and finished my dissertation data collection, thank God, as I was starting to get bored of observing teachers. This teacher was great, in fact, all of them were excellent, but you can only do so much sitting and watching in addition to a full-time gig. After the observation I hit the office. I'm glad I went, I guess, as I was crazy busy until I left just after five. I was wired by then, not in a good way, and the highways were dark and dangerous. Apparently (I'm not kidding here) a truck spilled pigs' intestines all over the roadway on I-43 not long after I passed Good Hope Road. I didn't even bother going inside when I arrived home...S came out (looking unspeakably cute as he ran through the rain to get to the car) to the street, climbed in back seat, and chatted about his day while we drove to swimming lessons. We were slightly late, but I managed to read for about a half-hour. The lifeguard, a former student, ragged on S for climbing on a wall. She was in tough-teenager mode, I think. Later she commented about the good looking guys in the hot tub to one of her friends. Yes, that's what I want to hear from a lifeguard...way to pay attention, hon. Anyway, I was hungry and exhausted at that point, and poems started to surface in my mind. As soon as we reached home M left for a church meeting, so the boys and I watched "Curious George". I actually ate first and S decorated some cookies while T and N watched. We caught the second half, though. I liked what I saw. I also made the boys sit together on the couch because I worry that S is sometimes excluded from the mix. After the boys fell asleep I watched some of "Art School Confidential" until M arrived home. I checked the net (snow coming, I guess) and decided to write.

Ok, bullet posts before I read:

* Sometimes I read Borges' stories and I don't know what the hell they're about, but I like the stories anyway.

* I read this online article about melatonin that said depression can be a side effect. Now, if there's any side effect to which I'm pre-disposed, it's depression, and I haven't felt anything of the like after taking melatonin. In fact, I'm pretty damn giddy that I got a full night's sleep.

* Someday I will be able to shave without cutting up my goddamn face.

* I have two long days at work set up for tomorrow and Friday. Or maybe I'm just a wuss who complains when I have to stay in the office all the way until 5PM.

* I may be proactive and actually get my rear passenger tire replaced, my battery replaced, and my coolant flushed before winter arrives in earnest. Maybe I'll avoid roadside repairs this winter.

* My friend D's dad died yesterday. I haven't had to go to many (two) funerals in my life. I think I'm going to this one. I don't want to let D down. The conversation just before the death news arrived was interesting. More on that later.

4:20AM, up since three, didn't get to sleep until 10, will pay for my insomnia later. I considered taking some melatonin last night, but 1) I don't want to get in the habit of taking melatonin every night, and I took some the night before last, and 2) I had a couple beers during Monday night football, and I've read that mixing drugs is not always a positive experience.

Yesterday was a good day. I'm not a "stay in the office" guy, but I was behind my office door more or less from 8AM to 3:15PM. I answered e-mails all morning (tons of IRB questions) and caught up on various paperwork-related tasks. I also listened to some of the library CDs I've recently burned (M. Ward, New Pornographers) as well as some Tom Waits and Badly Drawn Boy. I completed my last dissertation interview (as long as my house doesn't burn down, my tapes lost, etc.) and drove home at about five. The sky, grey all day, fell dark enough for the streetlights by four. The boys and I played upstairs, we watches Scrubs (muting the potential corrupting parts) and some football. T stayed up later than usual and watched most of the first half. If he doesn't sleep well (unlike his dad) I'm in trouble.

No dreams to report. Should pray/meditate, or at least get back to sleep.

Quick dream write-up: I dreamt I was living in the house in which I grew up, but still working at Stritch, and I overslept and would be late. I tried to call everyone in the office, but the phone either did not work correctly or no one answered the ringing whenever I tried to call. My students (all males for some reason, my action research students from this semester) were wondering where I was. I knew this because I could see my classroom and office through a webcam on my computer. I finally got through to a couple students in my office, but they had to decipher my messages...I wasn't getting through clearly, as if I were speaking in code. This was incredibly frustrating, although I appreciate the idea that the students were concerned.

Rainy all day...hope the office is ok...skipped basketball this morning.

Almost 8:20PM, feels later, not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight. Melonin (Melotin? Whatever the sleeping pills are called, you know what I mean) calls.

I am writing in the upstairs bedroom, formerly N's room. I am bit worried my harsh typing is disturbing Viper, the Beta fish in the tank next to my laptop. I don't think they like water with much movement. I will try to type softly.

Tomorrow I go back to work after Thanksgiving break. The five days off were decent, but I'm glad they're over. However, I'm not sure I'm crossing back into anything that fulfilling by returning to work. I'm feeling that awful "fuck, I have to return to school tomorrow" feeling that's haunting middle schoolers throughout the nation as we speak. I don't get this feeling too often, but I've felt it more often this semester than in the past four years combined. There is nothing absolutely dreadful waiting for me tomorrow. No one, to my knowledge, will come storming into my office, out to get me. I just don't feel like going. Ok, let's break this down. My struggles over the past four months could be due to any one of these or any combination of these:

1. Work-related stress (the most obvious)
2. My struggles with developing who I am as related to my leadership style (connected to #1, obviously)
3. Exhaustion related to three intense years as the chair and fourteen intense years in the field of education.
4. Exhaustion related to dissertation data collection.
5. Some sort of evolution I feel as if I'm nearing, as if I'm on the cusp.

I suppose I could continue listing, but these five sum them the major possibilities quite well. Let me think about it. These work for now.

The last thirty-six hours have been tiring in their own way. We met my sister and her family at a waterpark in Sheboygan. Now, I have a tried and true "twenty-four hours is enough time in any waterpark" rule. In turn, I was leery of arriving too early in a desperate attempt to "get our money's worth" or whatever. We showed up at about 1:00PM yesterday, Saturday afternoon, and the waterpark was close to packed. I was ready to turn around and leave immediately but M had already checked into the room (which wasn't ready) and wouldn't have left anyway. We changed in a scummy (surprisingly scummy, considering the waterpark is only a year or two old) locker room and let the kids go wild. I chased N around for a while and sat at a table near the pool. One waterpark pro...the humid air quickly cleared my sinuses. After a while we got our room key. The room was large, larger than our first apartment. The space featured two TVs (not sure why, as they weren't that far away from each other, and watching two separate programs proved difficult) and a fireplace. Of course, between all the kids, the rooms were trashed within thirty minutes. I swear, an eighties hair metal band might as well have been staying over...food on the floor, sheets ripped off the beds, pillows everywhere, etc. We ordered pizza (Pizza Hut, yuck) and watched some television. Later we returned to the waterpark, much less crowded, and hung out until bedtime. I was worried about the sleeping arrangements, but except for an N nightmare (accompanied by full-volume screaming, of course) we were fine. The kids were up early, so I took a shower and watched some Sportscenter while they played. We did the buffet breakfast thing (M pointed out that the kids are well-behaved in these scenarios because they get their food in about ten seconds), changed, and returned to the waterpark. I felt badly for S, sort of caught in the middle, age-wise, with his cousins, so I went down the tube slide with him a few times. We had fun, although hauling the huge tubes up the stairs wrecked my left knee. I'm surprised kids don't get hurt in waterparks more often. Oh, the lifeguards had this disturbingly lifelike infant dummy they must use for training...it creeped me out. My brother in law and I talked about my crazy parents (reaffirming the wisdom of my decision to cut off contact with them, as far as I'm concerned) and, thankfully, the group in general decided to head home after lunch. S rode with me. We listened to the new Killers single a couple times while he ate granola bars. I could have crashed on the couch all afternoon, but M wasn't feeling well, so I hung out with the kids while football played on the television. T and I hung out in the guest bedroom for a while as S made a bed for himself out of a laundry basket. Oh, I also read from the Tikkural (sp?).

Why am I grinding my teeth now? What is my body trying to tell me? Can I transcend this drama? Good night.

Thanksgiving Update:

M is upstairs, watching "You, Me, and Dupree" on the television I moved into our bedroom. We haven't had a television upstairs in about five years, and then I think James and Melissa were the only people to use it (tennis finals or something). The tv, formerly of our living room, sits on the floor with the DVD player on top. I suppose the television's presence in our room is not the evil incarnate. It's not hooked up to cable, and it's in our room, not the kids'. I wasn't in the mood for the movie, not in an Owen Wilson mood, although Kate Hudson looks like a lot of girls who went to my Chicago high school back in the eighties, wore brown suede fringe jackets, smoked cigarettes, and never talked to me.

So Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because we do not have to interact with anyone other than our immediate (and by that I mean our kids) family. This year the weather is about forty degrees warmer than last year (maybe) and substantially less windy. We took the kids to the zoo in the morning. The zoo was practically empty; we had almost every building entirely to ourselves. The bird building was interesting, as were the new trumpeter swans (how do they stay warm in winter?). N ran his ass off, building to building, and the boys burned off some energy. Our timing was off, though, and we were psycho hungry by the time we reached home. M made lunch while the boys watched tv and I screwed around on the computer. Oh, we picked up a Christmas tree as well. I felt like a wuss because some teenager tied the tree to the roof of the van for me. M wasn't feeling well, after a while, so I dragged in the tree, set it up in the tree stand (somewhat reducing the "wuss" feeling), and set the boys on decorating the three with ornaments. They were excellent, playing with their findings from the Christmas bins, etc., while I started dinner. M woke later and helped the boys while I finished dinner. Here's the menu/verdict:

1. Pasta rolls: An old standby, worked well in the scenario, not sure why.
2. Acorn Squash stuffed with a blueberry/apple/brown sugar mixture: Surprisingly good. I'd make it for M.'s mother, even.
3. Turkey: M's party, not mine, but she seemed to like it.
4. Wheat rolls: Necessary.
5. Cranberry sauce from a can.: See #4.
6. Mashed potatoes: I made them this year, they turned out fine.

The boys absolutely refused to eat just about any of the food, which I found amusing but M did not. After dinner I took a bath while the boys played on the computer and in their room. I watched a little of the Cowboys game then finished MI3 (decent, esp. on fast forward). We skipped Elf, breaking a family tradition, but I'm afraid I would have had to rag on the boys to watch with me, and that wouldn't have been fun at all.

Today was good as well. I slept on the couch, hoping to sleep in the Christmas tree's glow, but M foiled my plan by unplugging the lights after I fell asleep. I have fond memories of sleeping in the light of the Christmas tree. Oh well. I have a month or so to sneak in a night with the lights on. N came downstairs while I was reading, about 5:30, so I set him up on the couch and left for basketball. I felt badly about leaving, but M was up, I thought, so I didn't think much of the plan one way or the other. I played decent ball, missing one important jumper on the baseline but otherwise acquiting myself well. Brief basketball math...I have been playing for five years at the Y in the morning (conservatively) once a week. That adds up to about 1800 games. Is that possible? Anyway, I returned home to find M on the couch, ill. Apparently she had fallen back asleep after I woke her. N came upstairs after Zaboo was over. I felt badly but not too badly. The morning passed quickly. S had a friend over, T had a neighbor over, but T wanted either to see a movie (Happy Feet) or buy a video game system (we're leaving towards Wii rather than PS3 due to the game price, number of games aimed at kids, and the controllers' ease), but I wasn't in the mood to leave the house, so he watched a movie on television (some Tony Hawk thing) while I ate lunch (leftover pasta rolls at 10 in the morning, so, I suppose brunch would be a better term for the meal), burned CDs, reorganized my CDs (moved a ton into the basement), and cleaned the office. Later, after M returned from Target, I started cleaning upstairs. I don't do small cleaning. I rearranged one bedroom, moved a ton of s--t into the basement, and showered. I also managed to knock out most of my laundry. Later I finished the latest Klosterman book. The book is decent, I'd rather it either 2nd or 3rd out of the four Klosterman releases, but I read the entire text in about six hours (if that). Books are usually great value, but at that rate, at 25 bucks cover price, I would have spent, what, about four bucks an hour to read the book? That's way more than usual. I know I read fast, but I'm not a savant or anything. I'm glad I snagged the book from the library, no offense, Mr. Klosterman. T and S drew on the newly cleared desk (some potential for a workspace) in the guest bedroom while I read. I laid between both while they fell asleep, watched the start of the movie, and here I am.

Tomorrow night we're at a waterpark. I'm not looking forward to going, but I'm due. No escaping the waterpark. I'll try to make the best of the experience. Good night.

Everyone asleep, only 8:37, not sure what to do. Pray? Maybe. I could go see Borat in forty-five minutes, but it's cold outside. I could turn on Mystery Train. Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

Tonight T was laying on my lap and I could feel his heart beating through my fingertips. I let him put his head to my chest and he could hear my heart. He couldn't feel my heart with his hands. I couldn't feel my heart with my hands. I do worry about my heart. I could be one of those "heart attack at 40" guys. This goes beyond basic health, by the way. There are a lot of fat guys who live older than me, and I'm not horribly fat. I'm starting to think something non-verbal, sculpting, something like that, is needed. There is no reason I should be sitting in my office, in the dark, at 8:40 at night gritting my teeth. Life is too good for that.

Quick dream note, before the vision fades away completely...this morning I was dreaming that I still lived in the house in which I grew up, and a bright summer rain, all silky and shimmery, was falling. For some reason I couldn't go outside and watch, and I was upset. Sidebar...I had a front porch, growing up, a stout cement one, that still served as a place to watch rain...I wonder if that experience contributed to my current love of meteorological phenomenon. Anyway, in the dream, I was searching for an apartment. I don't believe this has anything to do with me wanting a new place to live or to do get away from my family or anything. I think it has to do with the desire to create a new place to live, mentally, rather than the limited perspective, the tired walls, if you will of where I live now. Does that make sense? I need to check with Mary. More later.

5:45AM


Fell asleep early last night, surprisingly, after a long day of doing mostly nothing. Ten bullets to back it up:

* I bought a new tv Friday night. The new tv is not huge (32 inches) but it HD and LCD with a built in DVD player. I'm worried the new DVD player might be messed up...I'm still figuring it out and I can never tell if I'm pulling out the DVD/CD too early or pushing it in too late. Some programs seem to be much clearer and brighter (sports, esp.) while others are still blah. It seems as if programs broadcasted a particular way (HDTV?) are excellent, but programs that are broadcast, er, non-HDTV are still normal. Does that make sense? I'm going through buyer's remorse, too. I can't remember the last time I spent over 1,000 dollars on anything. I'm not just spouting a cliche. I literally can't remember. Doctoral tuition? Does that count?

* I am mildly obsessed with the first five songs on Neko Case's "Fox Confessor Brings The Flood". The CD reminds me a bit of the Jayhawk's "Rainy Day Songs" in that the initial tracks absolutely blow you away before a somewhat obvious fall in quality halfway through the disc. I'll need to listen more...maybe I'm missing subtle strengths or focusing on the great first tracks too much. I burned a slew of CDS from the library (Killers, M. Ward, New Pornographers) into which I haven't delved deep yet.

* This is Thanksgiving week. I haven't planned Thursday's dinner yet. Maybe today. Normally this is a great week at work...quiet, industrious, all that. However, I still have papers to grade, and I think I have four interviews/observations scheduled, so the only day open, at this point, is Wednesday. I hate that. We're also supposed to meet my sister and her family at a waterpark next weekend. I guess that's good...four days in a row at home would get boring.

* I can feel a walk this morning. I need one. This "walk every weekend, play basketball during the week" schedule is working well. I lifted last week also...should lift again tomorrow after hoops.

* I'm still going through a period which I don't read much. I'm not sure why. Exhaustion? I tried to delve into one of the Francis history books last night and only managed a few pages. Oh well. I trust myself with words and books. When I'm ready, the desire to read will return.

* Relatively drama-free week. I sometimes think I crave drama, or I have craved drama historically. This terrifies me, as my mother is very much that type of person, and there is nothing more terrifying for me than acting like either one of my parents. Meditation helps. Keeping busy helps, although lately I've needed at least one day to clear my head on the weekends. This morning we may take the boys to Discovery World. As long as I can walk first, and do laundry later, I'm a happy man.

* M and I watched "Accepted" a few nights ago. I must admit I liked the film against all logic and reason. We also haven't finished "The Break-Up" yet. We should finish that, and I need to reach the end of "Mystery Train" to get my month's worth of Netflix. I also want to send the films out tomorrow so Netflix sends something back Thanksgiving weekend. You know how the system works.

* I felt like I had to rag on T a lot yesterday. He was so hyper, so nervous. He's a wonderful kid, so social, so eager to please. I worry about people like that. I try to tell him that he doesn't need to prove himself so much, etc., but he's eight, I don't think he gets the concept. He changes the subject. He'll be ok, I think. I'm worried his teachers will suggest medication, and I can't be at his parent/teacher conference this week because of an observation/interview. I think they're a little scared of my questions at his school. I don't mind.

* If I fill the bird feeder near the house at 8AM, the birds have completely cleared out the bird seed by 2PM. They're fun to watch, ten or twenty of them at a time, bouncing onto the feeder, down to the railing, swirling away if I move too fast in the window.

* Frost on the cars this morning. Winter coming.

Really need to write, ten bullet post:

* I haven't written since Saturday, either because of or despite of the fact I'm feeling better both emotionally and physically. Sometimes my eyes open after dark periods, and I feel like I was an idiot, but at least I was the best idiot possible.

* Tonight M and I watched the first forty-five minutes of "The Break-Up". Some of the fight scenes were pretty intense. M pointed out that Vince Vaughn's hairline was receding. I don't know. I'll watch the rest of it later.

* I'm up to three books on St. Francis. Mary lent me "The Reluctant Saint", which looks good, and I picked up a book on Franciscan prayer from the U bookstore today, since today (payday) was the "employees get 20% off" day. I also bought a knit hat that might possibly be too small for my head. What's with these whacky kids these days, wearing hats that pull tight to your head?

* I burned some CDs from the library earlier in the week. Highlights...Neko Case's "Fox Confessor Brings The Flood", which I enjoyed quite a bit, and The New Pornographer's "Twin Cinema". The Case CD reminds me of the Jenny Lewis disc, with that "I listened to a lot of Patsy Cline in smoky bars late at night" thing, but sorry, Jen, Neko does it better, even if you're better looking. The New Pornographers is hard to describe. I'll save that for later. I also burned some Elliot Smith and The Wreckers (used to be The Homewreckers, but I think the record company made them change their name). I have the new Killers and M. Ward coming to the library this week.

* My dog, Shadow, is going through a weird licking phase. Don't know what's up with her. She's most insistent. My cat (of two), Cleo, is getting frailer every week. She's twelve and blind. Tonight, during the movie, she fell off the couch, but once I put her on my lap she seemed ok.

* Yesterday we took the boys to Bayshore, a recently renovated mall, after school. The mall, all outdoors, is pretty cool, actually, although I don't think I'd shop at most of the stores. They had a decent Barnes and Noble and women's clothing boutiques I've heard of but wouldn't enter without a reason, and I can't think of a reason that might ever enter my realm of possibility. They had a cool Christmas tree, too, outside, on a cold, grey day. The boys liked it.

* Last night I barely lasted a mile on the treadmill. My neck started to hurt. I also don't think I've made a jump shot, in morning basketball, in two weeks. I think my weight lifting is throwing me off, but I'm also curling a bit with my fingers and pushing to the right. I didn't think I was going to be able to play tomorrow (M had to make a school visit, I thought), but I apparently can. T wanted to come watch me play, but I don't think he's old enough yet, as the W/F games are pretty fast and hard. I don't want him getting too close to the action and getting nailed.

* 55% done with dissertation data collection. After tomorrow I'll be, let's see, 70% done. I need to catch up on transcribing. I thought I'd be able to catch up next week, but I've got interviews/observations scheduled both Monday and Tuesday. Oh well, at least I'm getting closer to the end of the data collection part. I'm worried about losing a tape or notes or whatever. I imagine that paranoia is pretty common.

* Oh, I also went to Trader Joe's, the new supermarket in town. It's a weird place...strange processed and organic food, but pretty cheap. The store was crowded, I accidentally parked far away from the store, and I was hungry, so I didn't get a good feel for the space. I'll go back another time.

* Thanksgiving week next week...I love Thanksgiving. I haven't thought about what I'm cooking yet. T says he wants turkey, I've been a vegetarian for twenty plus years. I'm looking forward to getting a tree, watching elf, and taking it easy at least on Thursday and Friday.

About 1:30AM. Hell, some people are still OUT, and I'm waking because I've been asleep for, what, close to six hours ago. My fault. I shouldn't have fallen asleep so early. In fact, I feel badly because I kind of stuck M (kind of, really) with the kids near bedtime. It's hard to comment, though, because I didn't plan on falling asleep early. I don't plan these things. I grew very tired while reading and, well, there you go. I was asleep. I sometimes think I lack a physical fortitude others have where wakefulness is concerned.

I'm not a Christian, as I think I've said before, but I'm enjoying this St. Francis biography. Allow me to transcribe a passage from page 106:

"Through their prayers the friars discovered new dimensions of life. Its events appeared quite different when viewed in the light of eternity instead of one day. They also found themselves looking at X-ray images, as it were, of their own souls and those of the people they worked with. These new perceptions might lead to unpredictable alternations of guilt and hope, or aridity and exaltation, but often culminated in a catharsis which invigorated their work and preaching."

I get that passage, I think, but not in a "eat dirt" Franciscan way, I should admit. I can feel intense joy and relief (like I did yesterday at the YMCA during basketball) and intense weight on my shoulders within a twenty-four period. I suppose I could be manic, making emotional progress, or some combination thereof.

A friend of mine said she thought I was almost out of the briars. That cheered me up.

This will not become a log of my depression.

These five days off have been good, I think. I don't think I'm one of these people who would need to be gainfully employed to stay busy. Anyway, more on that later. I want to talk about this morning now.

This morning I was up early, probably about six, and M and the boys were up not long after me. Saturday mornings, esp. when we have some sort of organized activity later in the morning, present time to kill. This morning I cleaned the entire first floor, burned some CDs, and filled the bird feeders. The boys were in the back field, snowboarding on a thin early layer of snow. I took T and S to basketball with two books, "Indecision" and the Francis biography. I read "Indecision" while S played hoops and T played video games in the prime time center. After the boys switched I read a bit from the Francis biography. I'm not sure why, or what the setting had to do with the feeling, but I was overcome with a sense of peace, of relief, that didn't quite fit the context. I don't expect that sensation while in a suburban YMCA, on the side of the gym, while sixty five and six year olds learn to dribble a basketball. I want to think about this further before I write more, but I valued the feeling quite a bit. I think the feeling's emergence had to do with three days during which I didn't have to worry about work much. I've been slowing moving some leaves away from the wall and into the sun. I hope I can carry that sensation into the week. It's very important. I don't want much in the physical world. I want that peace.

More later. T wants to be flipped.

Yesterday was a decent day. I decided to stay home from work again, so I graded papers before dawn, then took a health chance and drove to basketball at six. I played ok, although I was ready to throw up afterwards. Through the morning I read for a while (Francis biography) and answered e-mails. Then I drove to the library, read some more, and checked out a slew of discs I had on order and some books/movies for the kids. M and I watched "The Office" I had seen it already, but the episode was good enough to watch twice). At about two the skies were entirely gray and a slow ice drizzle began to fall. I put the Saturn in the garage and watched tv with N while M picked up the boys from school. N and I made cookies (the Heath bar kind, pretty good) while the other boys watched some tv and hung out after school. A full-on hail storm, complete with some of the loudest thunder I have ever heard, started around sundown. I mean, the windows were shaking, and the thunder carried with it elemental fear. Strangely, the kids didn't seem to mind. The kitchen seemed small and comfortable. M and the boys left in the middle of the storm to meet some friends at the YMCA. I decided this weather, icy, brittle snow and rain, falling like pebbles, was too good of walk-weather to skip, so I threw on my coat and walked downtown. The snow stung, and I wished I had worn a hat, and by the time I reached the Amaco station candy-bar sized ice pieces were lodged in my hair. I shook off as best as I could and bought a twelve back of Lienenkugel's light. The guy at the gas station, the guy shoveling the snow outside, commented on how I must have my priorities straight because I walked through a snowstorm for beer. I could have driven, but you know, I appreciate the sentiment, I guess. I walked home, left my coat on the entryway floor, and took a shower. Afterwards I watched some basketball on television and decided to get very drunk. I listened to Vic Chesnutt in the kitchen, waiting for M and the boys to return, and began drinking with midwestern earnestness. After M and the boys arrived home, S (he's six) drew on Christmas catalogs while I kept drinking and listened to an Eels mix CD. M was highly amused by my drunkenness. After the boys were asleep we tried to watch some CSI, but I was too drunk to follow much of it (I don't even remember the plot, something about spontaneous combustion, I think), so I went upstairs to read. As you can imagine, I managed about half a page before I gave up and fell asleep.

I had an interesting dream as well. All I remember is a plant, maybe two feet tall, with leaves all around it, but some of the leaves had faced the wall, away from the light, and had grown stiff and dusty. I think the dream means that parts of me, the creative, non-work side, has been facing the wall for too long, and I won't be happy until they face the sun. Good day.

3:08AM. I've been reading a great biography of St. Francis (details later, I'm writing in the dark in case one of the kids wakes and thinks the downstairs light is an indication morning is near). I just passed an interesting discussion of how seriously Francis and the people of his time took dreams and visions. Last night I thought, well, if I have dreams tonight, I should write them down. Here goes:

I was in Port, sort of an idealized Port, with the smell of saltwater, or at least Port early on a foggy summer morning where you like the fog but know it's going to burn off by noon. There was a convention center/hotel somewhere in town, and I was attending an NCATE (college accreditation thing) conference (well, it wasn't just NCATE, I think, but I can't sense what else it might have been). This arrogant literature professor was teaching, for some reason, the difference between two books called "Burn" referring back to his grad school days or something. I didn't like him. I was driving to pick up my mom somewhere, near the Port hill, when I wrote a beautiful song that sounded like a cross between Vic Chesnutt and Wilco in that it had four instruments, drums, piano, guitar, and synthesizers, repeating the same riff over and over again. My brother didn't like it, and I got mad, so I taunted his habit about using the word "hobo" in folk songs and he started to cry. I don't remember more than that. More later.

Ten Bullet Post!

* I'm almost down to the last of my kids' Halloween candy. I think the kids have actually grown tired of their stashes, but I'm still in love. Lately it's been suckers and lollipops, preferably some form of chocolate. I could do without the chewy center, though.

* Today I watched the last hour of "The Proposition". I liked the last hour quite a bit, so I'm glad I finished the movie rather than sending it back to Netflix early. I'm a Nick Cave guy, so I'm biased. I also watched the first hour of "Mystery Train". What a great movie...I had almost forgotten about it.

* I've been home sick most of yesterday and today. Of course, that means I go out on observations (yesterday) and answered emails and did a phone conference (both yesterday and today). Tomorrow I'm not doing shit, work-related or otherwise.

* I'm reading a good biography of St. Francis in prep for the Italy trip.

* The house is a huge mess. I know I will be feeling better when I start to clean. Almost there.

* We're in the midst of a day or two of comparatively warm (fifties and sixties) November weather. In fact, all the kids are out back, playing, although I can feel the cool starting to creep back into the air. We're set to reach the thirties again by Saturday.

* I should buy a new shower curtain, but I've pledged to avoid unnecessary purchases for the next month, and you know, we're not having visitors, so forget the shower curtain. It's only torn on one side.

* I wonder if "The Office" is new tonight.

* I don't think I listened to any music today. That doesn't happen often.

* The back porch is calling, even if I feel the need to wear an overcoat or something, despite the fact I'm wearing shorts.

Up at 4:30 = ten bullet post...

1. I've been listening to Vic Chesnutt's "Ghetto Bells" lately, esp. the track called "What Do You Mean?" What a weird-ass song. I could hear it over and over. The Van Dyck (sp?) Parks orchestration is brilliant.

2. My sleeping pattern is a bit messed up, but I'm ok. I've been falling asleep by 7, 7:30, and sleeping until 4 or so. Yesterday I arrived at work by six. I'll probably do the same today. The days are long, since I'm collecting data in the afternoon, but I can't complain much. I remember when I worked scheduled hours, back on days like this I just sort of zoned in the afternoon. Now I can come home and sleep.

3. Yesterday marked eleven months until Italy. I hit the Franciscan library where a nun recommended a biography. I read the first chapter last night.

4. Before last night I passed through a four or five day "don't read much" period. Those periods are rare but necessary, kind of like a runner taking a few days off to let her muscles rejuvenate.

5. Speaking of running, before dinner I ran three miles outside. I thought of driving to the Y after the kids fell asleep, but the air is still pretty warm (in the forties or so), and I was wired after a day of interviews/observations, so I threw on my clothes while the kids played with the friends and hit the streets. I was surprised at how far I went without stopping, actually. Despite the influx of Halloween candy I'm still in better shape than last year. I have to build on that.

6. I haven't been to Chicago in a while, and I don't know when I'll get to return, but I like my hometown at this time of year. Yesterday, while driving through Brown Deer, I opened the window and smelled the concrete. Ah, nostalgia. I was reminded of waiting for the bus, and waiting for the bus in Autumn was rarely that bad.

7. Feeling a bit under the weather today. Must drink tea as soon as I arrive at work.

8. I'm trying to unload some work responsibilities by the time spring rolls around. If I can get someone else to pick up an off-campus responsibility, I'll be relieved. Extra money is involved, so I'm not passing the buck without compensation.

9. I should watch a movie this week...Netflix is profiting off me more than usual this month. I need to finish The Proposition (disappointing, so far) and re-watch Mystery Train.

10. Shadow and I walked Sunday, crunching through the woods...glorious.

Ten bullet post, Nov. 3rd, 2006

1) I can't remember the last time I went out on a Friday night. Not that I'm complaining, but the very thought of getting in the car and going out on a Friday night now seems weird.

2) My eight year old son recorded a message over one of my doctoral dissertation tapes. Thank God I had already transcribed the interview.

3) Today was the first day I wore a real jacket despite fairly cold temperatures over the last week. Winter does not officially start, in my eyes, until I start wearing a jacket rather than sprinting from the car to whatever building I'm entering.

4) My eight and six year old sons are playing on the computer. My six year old said "You made me wet my pants" when the eight year old said something funny. Apparently they do pay attention to what I say.

5) I haven't worked out much the last couple days, and man, I can feel that. Add Halloween candy and it's a wonder I don't weigh 300 pounds.

6) I need a shower/bath tonight. I won't be able to sleep without that and Melotonin. I teach all day tomorrow. If I'm lucky I can kick out the students by two or so and get the hell out of my office. I'm missing my kids' first day of the basketball season to teach. Two Saturdays a semester...I guess I can live with it. Hell, the University is sending me to Italy next October for free. I have a feeling that mantra will be repeated much over the coming months.

7) Tonight is the first night I've thought about work much over the last week or so. I wonder if the return of that bad habit is tied to the fact I haven't worked out since Wednesday.

8) I'm still working through "Walden". I thought about using a 30% Borders coupon for something after work tomorrow, but there's nothing pressing I want to buy until Tom Waits' "Orphans" box set comes out later this month, and besides, I gave my friend Corey thirty bucks worth of basketball tickets because I don't want to go out Sunday night. I'm sure it'll all even out eventually. In fact, I could consider this payback for the free Brewers tickets my friend Terry floated the boys and me this summer.

9) I'm pretty broke right now, and I'm feeling guilty because I still owe my dentist some cash. I like my dentist.

10) Habits seem both hard to break and cultivate. More on this later.

Traveling To Conferences

My job requires me, at this point, to attend conferences of some sort a few times a year. Now, I'm not, thank God, one of those guys who stands at a booth and shills products, so I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm one of the guys who sits at a round table and pretend-listens to whomever is speaking. Allow me to divide my comments on the experience into two categories.

THE CONFERENCE ITSELF

Yesterday's conference was, I guess, sort of a big deal. Professional educators throughout the state converged on a Dells resort to address teacher education issues. You might think this would increase the chance of compelling interaction. You would be wrong. Here's the formula, repeated throughout similar gatherings, whether the gatherings pertain to accounting, plumbing, selling hair care products, whatever:

1) A harried but professionally dressed woman approaches the microphone and says she'd like to start on time. She then thanks everyone for coming, thanks the tech people (although your tech problems are hardly over, honey), and points out one or two of her co-planners by their first names. Their first names are VERY IMPORTANT. Using first names allows the speaker to A) make the conference sound like a backyard barbacue, and 2) create a conference "in crowd" of which you're not part. The speaker then says she's not going to talk long. This is the kiss of death. The more she insists she will not talk long, the longer she will talk. She will then outline the agenda, pointing out the breaks, and say A) we will be sticking to the timeline (we won't), and B) You will have a lot of time to talk in your team (you won't have as much as you think because speakers will run over). She then will introduce the first speaker, referring to some sort of local connection. Yesterday the speaker liked Wisconsin custard. Often the reference will start with a conversation at the hotel bar the previous evening, again reinforcing the "conference in-crowd" idea. The woman will eventually get the hell out of the way, saying "you didn't come here to hear me speak" despite the fact we just did for longer than we expected, throwing off the agenda before the first speaker opens his mouth.

2) The first speaker will start. Now, I have to admit, yesterday's first speaker was excellent. He'd been doing this for years, he didn't have the "it's all about me" attitude so common with speakers, and his slides were decent. However, he ran into initial tech problems in that his microphone rendered his speaking voice somewhere between the Jesus and Mary Chain's guitar feedback and an echo chamber. When this happens even thousand people will swirl around the speaker, trying to fix the problem, including one or two ambitious audience members aspiring to instant "in crowd" status. Yesterday a lapel microphone was the problem, so the guy graciously switched to a hand-held microphone without drama. I liked him.

3) Almost everyone in the room will be dressed for a wedding. Maybe the ballroom inspires the audience to pull out the formal wear. I don't know. I will be the worst dressed person in the room. I will wear jeans and a button-down shirt with sneakers. I am also usually the youngest person in the room.

4) Sooner or later (usually sooner) a bad speaker starts. Yesterday's bad speaker was set up for a fall, it seems, to be fair, in that the organizers asked him to share a ton of information very quickly, and his comments were so broad and surfacy that they lacked meaning. He was sweating, too. He knew he sucked.

5) A panel will take place at some point. Yesterday's panel featured three male speakers and was set to run forty-five minutes. The first guy was still outlining his opening comments fifteen minutes into the panel. Alas, no question and answer time for us without pissing off the lunch set-up people.

6) Now, I have the worst conference ADHD imaginable. I get up. I walk around. Yesterday I went to see the waterpark. I checked four times on my room status. I called work and left silly messages for my coworkers. I read a stray newspaper. I drove through the Dells. Now, I know I probably should have stayed, as I'm getting paid for attending these things, but I already knew what was going to happen, and I didn't want to waste my time. There are advantages to workplace longetivity. I've worked at one place long enough to walk away from these things without fear. A poor bastard in front of me looked new, however, and he had to sit with his dean at the table and take notes and utter pleasantries.

7) I'm missing a smaller meeting at the same hotel this morning. The smaller colleges were getting together to talk about some issues. I've been in these killer meetings before...grandstanding faculty, self-important discourse about bullshit issues, and the larger meetings' problems in microcosm. F--k it. I checked out and drove home.

TRAVELING TO CONFERENCES

I am a horrible traveler. I'm surprised about this development, honestly. However, I am notorious for heading home before my scheduled departure. In the past few years, I've returned early from the Badlands (solo vacation), San Diego (conference), and about five other small state conferences. Next October I'm set for ten days in Italy, for work, so we'll see how that works out. I won't be able to jump in the car and drive home.

I think the general proximity of state conferences heightens my desire to return home. Yesterday I realized I could be home by six thirty if I left by four, and ten minutes later I was on the highway. I felt like I was moving at 200 miles an hour with nothing in my trunk. The sun started setting, as we're just past daylight savings time, but I didn't mind. I was headed east, and the full moon would hang as a target, rising as I drew closer to home. I passed through Horicon, Wisconsin, a town that absolutely fascinates me. I'll save that for another post. My kids were watching tv when I walked in the door. They didn't care much that I was home, but I was thrilled to see them, rather than a standard hotel room with iffy internet access and a buffet breakfast. I think I'll stick around for a while and leave the conferences to the guys in suits who nod their heads enthusiastically when the woman at the start says we'll stay on task.

Ten Bullet Post, Oct. 31st.

* I drove through Milwaukee yesterday on the way to pick up some tea I can only find in one store in the entire city. I can't imagine better autumn weather. Huge piles of leaves seemed omnipresent, a warm wind blew stray leaves through the streets, and a grey sky hovered two feet above my head.

* My car is acting weird lately. I drive a 95 Saturn, with close to 140,000 miles, so I worry when A) winter draws near, and B) the car appears to struggle. My gas mileage is down, too. I'm hoping to ride this baby to 200,000 miles. Why do people buy new cars?

* I've been teaching my sons to sing this line from that new Tenacious D song:

"If you are snooty
Then sniff in my booty"

I don't think they get it, but they laugh anyway.

* Last night I put down the Thoreau for a bit and read from Gaiman's "American Gods". I love the part in Cairo, Illinois, describing the quiet first night of winter. I'm looking forward to the snow.

* Tomorrow November starts. November is usually my most difficult months in terms of depression and the like. I don't deal well with howling winds on Sunday afternoon, with the sun falling at what feels like noon, unless I can curl up on the couch with a book. I do feel like the worst of my autumn depression is over, however. I'm in a pretty good place now. We'll see. I don't want to give that end too much power.

* My sons and I played football in the back field yesterday after school. I love those hours. All three can catch pretty well, and they tackle each other with complete abandon.

* Is it wrong to spend fifteen bucks on sixty bags of tea? If I ever become unemployed, I'm going to have to stop. I picked up some Bija "Cold Stop", which both my wife and myself currently swear by when ill, and some "heart hawthorn", which I tried last night and liked quite a bit.

http://www.florahealth.com/flora/home/canada/products/tg7.asp

* Yesterday the new Utne Reader arrived. I had to subscribe for a class a couple years ago, and I thought I only subscribed for a year, but that sucker keeps showing up on my doorstep. The editors' "aren't we cool for saving the world...and we're fit and rich, too!" stance bugs me, but I read anyway. Some of the ads are interesting. I've promised my wife to never attend graduate school again, once I finish my doctorate, but the weird "ecology spiritual Masters degree" programs or whatever out west sound, well, at least as if they'd be different.

* I have to drive to the Dells for state meetings this week. I could leave either Wednesday night, after the kids are asleep (I want to make sure I seem them Wednesday for a while), or very early Thursday morning. I'm leaning towards Thursday morning. I won't be home until Friday evening, then I teach all day Saturday. Tough week.

* My youngest son is up way too early, despite my wife's valiant efforts to get him back to sleep. Looks like he'll be taking messed up sleep cues from his dad.

Ten Bullet Point Post, Oct. 29:

1. I've lived in Wisconsin for nine years now. In Wisconsin the kids trick or treat the Sunday before Halloween, unless Halloween is on a Sunday, when they'd trick or treat on the actual holiday. I found this weird when I first moved here, but I'm used to the practice now. I also, as a parent, don't mind the prescribed fourPM to sevenPM hours, but they would have driven me nuts as a kid.

2. I've discovered the less I answer email on weekends the less email I get on weekends. This is a good thing.

3. My middle son, age six, said "why do our parents do this madness to us?" to his older brother. We were in the van, getting ready for downtown business trick or treating.

4. That reminds me, trick or treating is no longer a one day event. We trick or treated at the downtown businesses yesterday, had a Halloween party at church, and I think we have another one at the library this week. I don't mind, I guess.

5. Is it wrong to snag candy from your kids' trick or trick bags after they fall asleep?

6. I watched "Sketches of Frank Gehry" last night. Great movie. I'm trying to track down a poster with his squiggle drawings on it, but I can't find one. Maybe he's only available at prices I can't afford.

7. Vic Chesnutt's "Ghetto Bells" arrived yesterday. I snagged it from ebay for $4.50, including shipping. I was the only bidder. How did that happen? The CD sounds great...I listened to it twice while cleaning. Tomorrow I want to listen at work, in my office, where I can hear a bit better.

8. My dog and I walked through the woods this morning. Man, we both needed to get into the woods, more than I realized. Most of the leaves are down, so we crunched through the paths amid the bare trees. We could see fish (I have no idea what kind, although I probably should know) fighting up the creek. The air was wet, too...my sinuses cleared up quickly. I felt better all day for the work. It's not like I never work out...I've played basketball or rode the bike the last few months. My dog, eleven, did well walking, too. I'll miss her when she's gone. I'm glad she's here now.

9. Daylight savings time started tonight. I was surprised sunset didn't arrive earlier. I guess the shortest day isn't until early December. Right? It's only 8:37, which is good, as I'm not tired yet. Maybe I should lay off the tea.

10. I haven't attended church much lately. The services and community haven't meant much to me over the last few months. I suppose I have to go back sooner or later, with the kids, but I'll hang out in the corners and empty storage rooms, reading.