(From earlier today...)

I'm sitting under a tree, drinking a latte, near the Alterra stand at the Milwaukee airport. Hold on. I'm taking off my suitcoat. That's better. Milwaukee's airport inexplicably doesn't provide free internet access but, other than that mortal sin, I like the Milwaukee airport. How many airports have used bookstores? The space is open and I don't think I've ever seen the space what I would call crowded. Today's crowd is veering toward the business traveler variety. Where are they going at 1:20 in the afternoon? Home from a meeting or out to a meeting?

Anyway, although I'm sure I'm posting this well after I'm writing, today and last night were ok. Let's start with last night, shall we? After I logged off the blog I cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and office, minor cleaning, really, more making sure the counters were organized and blankets off the floor than real cleaning. Then I read from Love is A Mix Tape and crashed fairly by 8:30. This morning I rose by four but chose not to work out. My legs hurt. Maybe I've pushed too hard. When I put the numbers together I see almost three years of six days a week cardio. Only in the last couple months have I cut back to five days and the first year I was more likely to knock out fourteen or fifteen consecutive days without a break. My legs are telling me they can't handle the stress. But the rest of my body wants to bounce off the walls if I don't get the cardio. I'm not sure what to do. Bike? Maybe I'll work the bike into the mix. Tonight I want to stay up late (more on why in a second) so maybe I'll go for an uncharacteristic late night walk. I'm slightly wired but I'm not sure what to do. At least I've been eating healthier.

So this morning I arrived at the office by 6:30. By 11:30 I had refined next week's planning, answered email, outlined an assignment for the M/W class, interviewed a freshman, talked with a couple other students, and sent out an updated draft of the NCATE standard six crap. I swung by Borders but, alas, the same discounts ruled and I didn't buy anything. Then I hustled to an MPS school for an observation, took notes on laptop (I should have started this practice a couple years back rather than writing by hand and transcribing later), and drove to the airport.

A midget/dwarf/little person woman just passed.
Tomorrow my wisdom teeth are scheduled for removal. I dropped an extra couple hundred bucks for the good anasethia (sp?). I don't care. I've got a job. I want to be knocked out. I don't know if I've ever been medically sedated to that point before. I don't want to remember anything. Friday I'm off as well, avoiding a meeting, so I'll watch baseball and recover. Oh, that's why I want to stay up later tonight. After I wake tomorrow I can't eat or drink anything, including coffee. Set me up for failure, why don't you, oral surgeon. Anyway, since the appointment starts at 10:45 and I can't eat after 4:45AM I want to stay up until at least midnight, eating drinking, etc., then hopefully sleep until nine or so. M's taking me to the appointment. She's on spring break.

Ok, I'm going to read. More later.

Exhausted. What's wrong with me? Sometimes I think the cumulative impact of the last forty-one years catches up to me all at once. I'm not in a good place tonight, so I'm glad I wrote about positives yesterday because I read those and calm down a little.

Ok today I was up by five and at work by seven. From seven to 12:30 I graded, answered email, etc., with brief walks/visits every hour or so to keep my brain from overloading. I failed, and by the time I left to observe a student at a local middle school, I was pretty fucking fried. The student did ok, I guess, and I cut out by 1:20 and was on the stairmaster at the Y by 1:50. I don't know how people who work normal jobs, seven to five or whatever, survive. I'd fucking die. Maybe I'd adjust and take lunches, breaks, etc., more often. Or not work as intensely. I don't know. Anyway, I needed that workout. Then I returned home and lifted weights to the Bourdain Ozarks episode, took a shower, ate scrambled eggs, and finished a Bones. It's 5:36PM. The sun is still out. I should clean a little and then I'm going to read and fall asleep. Tomorrow I need to be up by four so I can work out at five because I'd rather work out early because I'm picking M and the boys up at the airport in the afternoon. Then I'm staying up late tomorrow night so I can eat and drink before crashing and waking late, I hope, before heading more or less directly to the wisdom teeth extraction appointment.

Bones said something interesting today. She repeated a Zen Koan that said, “If you want to find something, you've got to stop looking.” That made sense to me. Thank you, network tv. Must practice.

At the Grafton Aterra's, No Doubt on the speakers, the space only maybe, oh, a quarter full. This morning I bought a new Brewers hat, returned the rented router to the cable company, and graded lesson plans.

Ok, I want to do something a bit different today. I want to write out a list of little things in the world that keep me going. Little things I like.

No Doubt's “Underneath It All”, since it's on now. Esp. the part when the lady (not Gwen Stefani, the other one) raps.
Tea. After dinner I'll fire up the kettle and drink tea. Lately I'm into the Numi dark vanilla. And the Stash blueberry tea. If I need caffeine I'll go with the green and white Stash mix. Oh, and iced tea, too. I get the feeling one of my kids' enduring memories of me will be how much iced tea I drank.
Candles, one on the dining room, one in the kitchen, burning while I'm watching tv or working on the computer.
The moment in which you add the milk to the chocolate, vanilla, butter, and powdered sugar and the pebble-like mixture becomes frosting.
Watching my kids read comic books.
The Hold Steady on the car speakers.
Coffee shops in this order: 1) Grafton Alterra's, 2) Smith Brothers, 3) Java Dock.
Funny/intelligent facebook comments.
Mack and Pete, esp. when they're digging through their “Kongs”, the hollow plastic toys in which we can put dog treats for them to remove.
Bones and Castle, but more Bones than Castle, lately.
The fact baseball season starts Thursday.
My office.
Feeling like all my work email is answered.
Sleeping pills, esp. when I've had about a beer and a half and take a lunesta. Don't try that at home.
M's laugh.
N focused intensely on a science television program or reading Calvin and Hobbes. Or N saying “I have a question” before he asks a question.
T flipping his hair to the side before I take his picture.
S doing math in his head or being formal and polite with a friend.
Cutting through downtown Port Washington.
The view just south of downtown Milwaukee, when you go over the hill and the horizon is dotted with church steeples in working class neighborhoods.
The folk art wing of the Milwaukee Art Museum.
Folding laundry.
Going to sleep early.
Cacti and plants in general.
The Japanese bushes along the backyard fence. I'm a half-assed gardener, at best, but those bushes keep growing and I'm pretty sure my anal neighbors are jealous. Rabbits hide behind the bushes.
Wind.
Driving my car after I've changed the oil, filled the gas tank, and passed through a car wash.
Making people laugh at work.
Feeling like I taught well.
Hanging out with Chicago friends.
Finishing a book and starting a new one.

I'll leave the list as-is for now. More later. I'm in a good mood, glad to be alive.

The pie turned out pretty well, maybe a bit too corn-syrup thick, but good. I ate maybe a third already then sealed up the plate so I wouldn't finish the sucker in twelve hours.

9:22AM, Sunday morning, futon strategically placed in front of the television. I've already knocked out 45 minutes of cardio. Weights later. This week I need to stay focused, as far as working out is concerned, because after Thursday's wisdom teeth removal apparently I'll be knocked out for a couple days. Did I mention the wisdom teeth operation coincides with the first day of the baseball season? Excellent. I can watch baseball to my heart's content with a valid excuse. Baseball's rhythms are perfect for recovery.

Ok, I promised to address last week's Chicago visit. Two friends were in town so we met downtown Thursday night through Saturday morning. We stayed mostly downtown, including a fun stint at the Museum of Contemporary Art, where I had to hide my water in the corner so a security guard wouldn't complain, and the lounge at the top of the Hancock. Yes, I'm aware this clashes with my legendary fear of heights. But the city lights were beautiful, surreal, almost unreal, and we sat in the dark and drank a couple beers without incident. Most of those around us seemed to be international tourists. While leaving we almost interrupted a couple making out on the elevator. We'll wait for the next one, thanks. We also stayed up late talking in the lobby. My social anxiety kicked in off and on but otherwise the weekend was exhausting but rewarding.

I also said I'd explain the sabbatical mention. Friday afternoon I finished the first draft of a sabbatical application for spring 2013. Sabbaticals seem more competitive than in the past, so I don't know that I'll get one now, but I'll nail the application sooner or later. I'm worried my teaching is fading and I could use a break to write and research.

So yesterday was a pretty good day, anyway. After finishing the pie I watched American Hardcore, which I had seen before but didn't remember well. Then I hit Smith Brothers and wrote a few letters while downing a latte. Later I made tofu for dinner, although I think I'm getting sick of it. We have tofu maybe twice a week. Then I Skyped with the boys in Florida, that was great, started the very boring The Tourist, and wrote a bit more while llistening to Chopin in the dark. I think I'll turn off the computer for a few hours. I'm hungry again. Good morning.

Oh, dear readers, I should write more. The blog is on my mind often but I haven't had time. I'll make time. I get much out of writing.

M and the boys are in Florida. T just posted a pic of a gecko on a sprinkler. I'm glad they're having fun. Later in the afternoon they'll take some boat cruise dangerously near alligators, my inter-species archenemies. I've asked M to text as soon as they get back in the car so I know they've survived the ordeal.

These stretches without the family are emotional minefields. If I'm not careful I'll break down. Last summer was the worst and I think the similarity between that situation and this weekend is both a challenge and a sign of progress. In other words, a silent house is a silent house, and the space feels familiar in its quiet. However, I've planned and implemented strategies (how very clinical, eh?) that have made the first twenty hours or so not only tolerable but, at moments, pleasurable. And I don't feel pleasure very often. Pleasure feels decadent in a giddy way.

So what's the difference? First, I didn't take the wrong medication. That helps. Second, I'm much more cognizant of the rhythms of isolation and how to harness these patterns positively. For example, I know that if I stay inside all day I increase the risk of breaking down. Same with getting very drunk. And I have to balance staying busy with leisure. And M and I are planning when we're going to talk so we don't fight when either of us interrupts the other or doesn't return calls. Also, if that were to happen, we're aware of the pattern and can short-circuit the conflict. And the weather, while cold, at least is tolerable with a later setting sun.

Let me outline the last twenty hours and maybe this will make more sense. Yesterday I dropped M and the boys off at the airport near 12:30. Although I usually hang out in the airport with them and say goodbye at security, this time our late arrival (everyone had morning school) and full parking lots made this impossible. My kids are awesome, by the way. They'll still hug me and talk about missing me and wishing I could come along. I couldn't ask for more. After they entered the check-in area I drove under a gunmetal grey sky and a huge-flake snowstorm (the white flakes and gunmetal sky left a cool contrast) to the south side Borders. This store is bigger than the one on Brown Deer, and I almost bought a couple Diaz and Murakami books for 50% off, but I decided that they'd sit on my shelf since I've already read both titles. If I ever want to read them again I'll check out library copies. After that I cut through a south side detour back to 43. Milwaukee's south side is foreign to me but reminds me of the area in which I grew up, so I felt strangely at home, really. Then I stopped at the Bayshore Trader Joe's. This was also a little weird as I was only buying for myself and trying to consolidate trips because I was sick of driving. I bought bread, ice cream, and a few other higher-quality than usual items I never get at Trader Joe's. The checkout girl was rattled because the guy before me in the line was an asshole so I tried to be extra friendly. Then I stopped at Pick and Save because I had a jones for Lienenkugel's light in cans. M had finished off the last twelve pack. Sometimes I have beer in the fridge but want a different kind of beer, so the Sam Adams can wait until summer or something. I also could have bought cheaper food at P and S than at Trader Joe's but no sweat, I didn't need much. After I arrived home I lifted weights (nothing good on tv), ate scrambled eggs, and watched a little Castle before getting bored and switching over to North Carolina ass-whooping Marquette. I watched a Bones, took a shower, and read The Basketball Diaries until I fell asleep. Oh, the dogs slept upstairs with me. That was fun except tonight I need to sleep more in the bed's middle because both Mack and Pete unintentionally (I hope) lay close and leave me little room.

This morning I drank a little coffee, caught up on Sportscenter, and showered. Showering and getting dressed early helps too, by the way. If I sit on my ass feeling gross all morning depression could get triggered. So I got ready and out of the house by 8:40 or so. I stopped at the dry cleaners to drop off a pair of suit pants I accidentally washed with the other clothes. Then I quick-inspected the lame indoor farmers market before walking across the street to the library just as the doors opened. Excellent timing. I picked The Fighter up from the new releases video shelf. I already had a Redbox copy but now I can return it and not pay the daily buck. After that I quickly cut through P and S for baking supplies. I decided to make a oats and honey granola pie this morning and a fairly complicated chocolate cake (more on that in a couple days) Tuesday. After P and S I hit Costco for more baking supplies, etc. I don't think I need any food except maybe more eggs until after M and the kids return. Then I came home, put everything away, started the pie, and here I am, in a good mood that doesn't feel normal to me. Yes, I can be in a good mood and not feel guilty. It's weird, but I have to remind myself of that.

Ok, the pie's almost ready to come out of the oven. More later. I still need to talk through last week's Chicago visit, the sabbatical application, etc. I've got time. Have a good Saturday.

Yesterday I was at T's basketball tournament outside Madison all day. Here are the notes.

3/4/11 Sunday 8:19AM

I'm in the Deerfield Elementary School gym, east of Madison, waiting for the start of T's basketball tournament. The space is tight, a large gym divided by a curtain so two games can run concurrently. A few players are warming up. We're forty minutes early. I'll probably write until the game starts then put the laptop away lest the device catch a ball or diving player.

So I haven't written in two weeks. The grey, useless February weather dragged on. I read both a history of west coast punk and Rollin's A Preferred Blur. I continued working out, five days a week cardio and three days a week weights. Classes lacked energy but picked up this last week. Little office drama. I saw Waiting for Superman and caught up on Castle, Community, and Modern Family episodes. Coffee's been good. After a week of nightmares I took Dr. B. up on her additional anti-anxiety option. The spelling, which I'll probably botch, and can't look up, since the gym is wireless-free, is hyproxosine or something similar. The first time I combined the h-word pills with lunesta I was flying, like the way my memory conceptualizes the first stages of high-quality LSD. The ceiling fan shadows were a deep, rich brown. I watched them spin for ten minutes or so before I fell asleep.

The additional quality sleep gets me through the day, maybe even more than gets me through the day. Yesterday M and I talked about the fall schedule and I stayed calm and even. I don't know that if I'll ever get past the guilt associated with PTSD but I sometimes can breathe and put the past in the past. The judgment of others matters less, although I tell myself and mostly believe that judgment never mattered much in the first place. I'm less combative about their judgment lately. Let them do what they want. I'm doing ok. So yesterday I felt pretty good, out of nowhere, and didn't feel like I should be working or cleaning while I read upstairs.

The next couple weeks set up well. I'll pay for my students' inability to schedule observations early but I'll benefit with an easy two weeks. I don't teach for sixteen days. Tomorrow I'll stay home. I'll start the sabbatical application. I'll do laundry. Maybe I'll hook Netflix up to the television and watch a movie. My breathing is improving. I'm not on a manic high. I'm so unaccustomed to feeling together that when I do my mind reacts as if something is out of the ordinary and in turn in need of repair. The challenge is to create a state when this calm is habitual. I'm getting there.

Ok, basketballs are flying everywhere. I'm shutting down the laptop. More later.

10:25AM

I'm sitting at a cafeteria table designated as a “peanut-free zone”. The nearest tables are fifteen feet away. I wonder if the kids with peanut allergies look across the divide and wish they could sit with the other kids. I wonder if motion alarms activate if someone carrying peanuts gets too close.

We lost the first game 27 to 19, I think, but we were within shooting distance until the last few minutes. T manages to collect fouls quickly, like I do, I guess. H needs to keep his hands straight up and his feet on the ground. He's better every game. I sat in the far corner of enemy fandom territory. I assume the other parents find me antisocial but I hope they don't think I'm unfriendly. Wanting to sit off by myself and maintaining a friendly demeanor are not mutually exclusive concepts. I can't worry about it. I'll say hi when I pass.

M, N, and S are visiting Discovery World. That should work well, good planning on M's part, as N and S will want to stay much longer than T. He starts in with the “Can we go?” script within forty-five minutes of our arrival. After the next game T and I have three free hours. We might hit an outlet mall fifteen miles back east. We visited Cambridge briefly but besides a coffee shop T would dislike there wasn't much in town. I could use new clothes and Tristan is at the middle school age where a shot at a couple new shirts is worth a ride. I'm not eating McDonalds, though. I'm at least making him upgrade to Subway and hopefully conning him into a local place.

During the game I decided Ms. Woolf wasn't getting the undivided attention she deserved so I switched to Bryson's Thunderbolt Kid. I also watched the game.

I'm in the mood for good coffee but I'll stave off that desire until the next game ends. Today's been passable. The drive south and west from Port was great, T listened to his mp3 player and I thought through the silence. Ninety minutes in the car passed like a ride to work. The skies are bright and the air cold.

2:12PM

I'm sitting on the floor now. All the tables are filled with pre-teens and their parents. No sweat. I can plug in the laptop and save my charge. Across the room T is playing chess. His team starts their final game in forty-five minutes. The best part of losing prodigiously in tournament games comes with the early departure time. I hope they win this game because 1) a win would keep them from last place and 2) whether we win or lose we go home at four.

T scored, by the way, a sweet right handed half-layup from the middle of the key. His team looked strong early but faded and ended with a serious ass-kicking. We hustled out at the buzzer and drove to the Johnson Creek outlet mall. I don't like today's air; the car gets overtly warm while the temps outside hover just below freezing. I'll live. T picked out two cheap (around five bucks) shirts at the Gap, while I got one shirt at the Gap and a tight pullover at Columbia. We ate lunch at a crowded Subway. T wanted to get back early to hang out with his friends. And here we are. A dad and his son are sitting a few feet from me and I think the dad is weirded out by my floor-presence. I didn't ask him to sit near me. I was here first.

We should be home by five-thirty. I need a shower and I should shave as well. My stubble shows gray. I told T he was responsible.