Why hello, dear readers. I’m on the very messy front porch. The ceiling fan is running for the first time since last fall. I suppose I don’t need the ceiling fan running, but what the hell, hearing the drone again while I sit in the Adirondack chair is fun. Tomorrow I’ll clean and we’ll have a real front porch again.

I’m on spring break and doing pretty well, thank you very much. I don’t remember what I did over the weekend so I’m sure the time was very exciting. Seriously, what did I do? Don’t remember. On Monday N was sick so he and I hung out all day. We took M to work after she dropped off the van but stopped at a cool coffee shop in West Bend beforehand for espresso/cookies. The last two days I’ve had the house to myself. I’ve watched films (Up in the Air, pretty good), read (To The Lighthouse, excellent, but not very much fun), made a cake, and cleaned the first floor. I’ve been diligent about avoiding work, except for a brief stretch to clear a few emails/papers off the computer, but I feel myself grinding my teeth some. I’m doing ok. These things don’t change overnight, you know? I’m slowly learning, I think, how to be happy again. Big symbols help, like writing poetry or reading in the middle of the day. I think the biggest challenge will be letting go of work and not feeling as if part of me is getting torn away. Or maybe that’s a good thing, that feeling, because I’ll get to start over. And Easter week is an excellent time to start over, don’t you think?

Ok, I thought I’d have a lot to write, but I guess I don’t. We have new phones. I’m about a third done with the Catherine of Siena paper but decided not to take classes next year. I had to know now because the U expects us to fill out some stupid paperwork way ahead of time. Fine, whatever. My shoulder hurt over the weekend but I’ve lifted today and Monday and felt fine. More tomorrow, April Fool’s Day.

What day is today? March 27th? Wow. I’m at the dining room table, drinking tea, the first official day of spring break. An empty mug of French press coffee sits next to me, and I napped this afternoon for the first time in forever. Will I ever sleep again?

These last few weeks have been among the most trying of my life. Let me explain as much as I can in public.

Both a psychologist and a psychiatrist indicate that, as far as my brain chemistry is concerned, I’m flatlining. Well, that’s my term. Let me illuminate the scenario a bit with a conflation of the questions they’ve asked:

1. Do you feel rested when you wake?

No.

2. When are you happy?

I don’t know that I’m happy more than in brief glimpses but usually I stay between 0 and 5 on a ten point scale. I’m calm when I read, but that’s not quite happy.

Ok, add the idea that I’m tired all the time and feeling totally burned out at work, and there you go. So I’m going to continue with my crack team of mental health professionals (they really are cool) and see what happens. I’m sleeping a little better and I’m a little happier. It’s all about changing behavioral patterns on a neurological level and, when push comes to shove, kick-starting my brain chemistry. Maybe I’ll go into more detail later, but this blog was never intended to be a whiny description of my descent into hell and ascent back, so I’ll go on to other topics. Bullet points!

• I finished both Let The Right One In (excellent) and Beat The Reaper (pretty good) this past week, the latter in a marathon 90 minute session on the hallway floor outside the high school gym while S went through baseball tryouts.
• I’m about halfway through Zombieland and have a slew of movies set for spring break week.
• Work is sending me to Louisville for two days in a couple weeks. Bleh. On the positive front, however, I bought a cheap plane ticket to Seattle in mid-May. I can’t wait. I’ve only been to Seattle once, and that was brief, on the honeymoon. All I remember is rain, a supermarket, and approaching over the hills (this may be my memory coloring in details) from the dead zone that is eastern Washington. So I want to hike, maybe ride a ferry, and check out the forests. I do not want to climb the Space Needle or catch hurled fish. But I’m looking forward to the trip.
• My shoulder hurts like a motherfucker. S and I have played baseball some this week, and I’ve been lifting as usual, but I don’t know the exact cause. Oh, the psychologist told me to cut back on working out. That feels decadent, but I’ve cut back to five days a week and sometimes four days a week. My body needs a break.
• People at the U don’t seem sure how to treat me now that I've turned down the A.D. position. I’m separating, effectively, from work drama, but when work drama has been a huge part of your existence pulling back feels like slowly ripping an arm-length band aid from your skin. I have to own the idea that not everyone is going to consult with me on every project; why should they care, you know? I’ve made clear that I want less stress, and in turn, I shouldn’t expect to get involved in every conversation. Time will help.
• Cold here, the grey cold that would be so much better with pouring rain, but I don’t know that any is forecast.
• Ok, I’m going to microwave this muscle-heat pad thing and hit the humidified bedroom with To The Lighthouse. Have a great night. More this week.

I’m in the coffee shop, 9:38AM. I should be working on the second theology midterm question but I brought the wrong text with me. Boogers. Oh well. I have a solid draft on the first question, and I’ll knock out the second question later today. The wind is blowing hard but the grimy pile of snow that last week sullied the cleaner’s small parking lot is gone. All the concrete looks in need of a serious pressure washing. Bring on the rain. The flower baskets (fake, I assume) hanging by the florist’s door are blowing hard in the wind, in danger of falling, and cars pass at a steady pace. Welcome to small town Wisconsin, Sunday morning.

So yesterday the dogs drove me fucking crazy. They calmed down later, thankfully, after the house cleared out. They’ll transition to spring, I’m sure, but I was happy to hide upstairs and read Let the Right One In while the neighborhood invaded the house/yard. T wanted to watch 2012 last night, but I was way too tired, and he’s old enough to watch on his own, anyway. M stayed up, though, as you can always count on her to get drawn into a film after two seconds and watch the entire movie. This morning I was up by six (new time), caught some news/sportscenter, and drove over here instead of hitting the Y. T likes to work out with me on Sundays lately so I’ll collect him pretty soon before elliptical/weights.

More later, I think. Caffeine is good. Dirty spring has arrived, that stretch when you still should wear a jacket but winter is over and everything in the Midwest looks old and worn-out. I like this time of year. Have a great day.

Good day today, except for yelping dogs and neighbors who would like to drop their responsibilities off at our doorstep and pick them up Monday morning.

I haven’t written much lately, so rather than try to summarize everything in paragraph form, let’s go to the bullet points.

• I’m saddened by the death of Mark Linkous. Sparklehorse became one of my favorite bands not long after I discovered them, what, three or four years ago, and I have a Dreamt For Light Years in the Belly of a Mountain poster hanging in my foyer right now. I already miss the possibility of new music from him. Rest in peace, sir.



• Without going into detail too much I want to say that I turned down an opportunity for a promotion at work. Why, you ask? Well, primarily because I felt that taking the position would cause me to continue the workaholic patterns I’ve tried to break over the last six months. Turning this gig down is a symbol, first and foremost, but also practical. For example, this is the type of gig in which I might have to drop everything and run to a late afternoon emergency meeting. I’m not willing to be that person. Yesterday a colleague and I talked for a long time, and I’ve consulted with other friends as well, and I believe I made the right decision. Onward and upward. No regrets.

• Dan was in town yesterday. We met at Bayshore, got some complicated pizza, and hung out at new bookstore/co-op that could use more books. Always good to see him.

• I’m reading Let The Right One In, the book on which the vampire movie was based. Very good so far…enjoying the text quite a bit.

• I’m sleeping a little better. Also, this morning my heart rate shot up to 171 on the crossramp at the Y. My chest hurt. I knocked off 90 seconds early. Should I be worried?

• After I finish the theology midterm I’m taking the rest of the weekend easy.

• Almost all the snow is gone after a few days of rain.

That’s it for now…hope your weekend is going well. I’m in a pretty good place, definitely better than last weekend. Thanks for listening.

So this is my first entry in March? What is today? March 5th? No, technically March 6th, because it’s 12:53. I have been up for twenty-two hours, and I could be up a while more.

And how are you, dear readers? I’m ok. Why am I up in the middle of the night? Transitions, I guess. I made a major decision today. I decided, after a tense meeting, to not pursue a promotion at work. I could have done well but I felt like I was getting set up for future conflicts that would be…well, I guess the best way to say it is “not worth my time”. And I also told the powers that be that I’m considering dropping the chair gig next year. I’ve been chair for six years. That’s a hell of a stretch. But I’m fucking tired. I can feel it in my teaching and just about everything I do. A colleague described me today, with empathy (not in that tense meeting) as projecting an “extremely fatigued energy”. I concur.

I also need to say that I went to the doctor about the insomnia/sleep issues. The doctor recommended a psychologist. The psychologist thinks I may have post-traumatic stress syndrome connected to growing up in a violent, intense household.

A lot of these symptoms fit me well:

http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000901/1035.html

So that’s it for now. Hoping to sleep soon. I’m on my way, I think, to getting healthier.