written earlier in the day, didn't have net access in the cafeteria


I'm in the Thomas Jefferson Middle School cafeteria, 8:44AM, surrounded by chess nerds. Oh, I don't intend to sound mean, maybe just a tad sarcastic, as the chess nerds are a courteous bunch and kids could do a lot worse than chess on a Saturday morning. The locals could be snorting meth (you snort meth, right?) out in the woods or having unprotected sex in someone's garage. So, sure, chess is good.

I don't like chess. Although I've taught my children how to play as a rite of passage the game does nothing for me other than inspire a desire to end the game as quickly as possible so I can do something more interesting, like empty the dishwasher or put a new bar of soap out in the shower. S is a decent player, though, even without practice outside of tournaments. So here we are. I don't think I have to stay but rumor has it this tournament will be visible through the library windows so I thought I'd stick around for the opening matches. After that I'm not sure what I'll do. Rain and wind rule the day, perfect coffee shop weather, so perhaps I'll hit Java Dock or Smith Brothers. Or I could pick up the third Star Wars Legos installment. Either way. I have Bryson's latest in the computer case, too, so I could grab some hallway floor and read. I'm breathing and letting the day come.

Ok, nerd movement. Sometimes just said something about I couldn't quite hear/understand and all the kids are moving to the library. More later.

I'm in the dark, 7:00PM, watching Tron with N and S. Man, this movie is boring. Rain is falling, wind is blowing, and I'm in for the night. I've already had a beer. This would be a great night for a coffee shop, maybe, but I'll stay home, most likely. Pretty soon I'll head upstairs and finish Travels With Charley.

So this week has gone well except for an insane insomnia stretch Monday night/Tuesday morning. I was tense Monday night and couldn't sleep. And couldn't sleep. And couldn't sleep. Finally about one I gave up and drove into the office. I was somewhat hallucinatory by this point but I managed to get a ton done in three hours. Then I drove home and did next to nothing all day in that nauseous, half-awake state. So at 4PM I took some high quality sleeping pills and crashed, hard, for fourteen hours. Wednesday and Thursday were busy but productive.

Last night I did the elliptical for 45 minutes after Cub Scouts. Man, I needed that. This morning I decided not to push myself and instead tried lifting for the second time this week. I couldn't get past the 2nd set. Tomorrow I'll try cardio again. This is opportunity, really, and I'm gaining back my health. Let me live.

S and his friend Phoenix are playing Halo while I write at the dining room table. The dogs are outside. M, N, and T are out shopping. The windows are open but we're in one of those spring stretches when you could gain twenty degrees driving ten miles west. Bleh. I think I'll close the skylight and take a bath soon.

Well, I'm slowly recovering but not better yet. Yesterday my throat and sinuses were so sore I gave up and visited the walk-in clinic. The doctor prescribed some high-power antibiotic and today I feel better but not all the way together. My teeth hurt, too, and I've down more Ibuprofin (sp?) in the last seven days than in the last seven years. Plus I still have maybe three or four oxycodone (sp?) remaining, but I'm saving those for the evenings.

Are you sick of my talking of illness? I am.

So what else is up? I've been re-reading Steinbeck's Travels With Charley. Last night M and I watched the rest of the first season one Modern Family disc. I also caught up on sleep. This morning I hit Alterra's for an hour or so. Oh, I also made cookies.

Tomorrow I might stay home from work. There isn't a pressing reason to drive into the office; I can do most of the work at home. I'll also save the seven buck commute necessitated by rising gas prices. But I'll get bored at home so maybe I'll go anyway. Or Tuesday. I could always hit the art museum Tuesday afternoon if I'm in the office all morning. What do you think?

Ok, time to make more tea and write a Demian review. S and Phoenix are laughing at Halo, saying “You killed my little bunny!” to the television screen and cracking themselves up. Life is good.

I watched Tangled. Pretty good. N was transfixed. Now I'm upstairs, full spectrum light and fan running, listening to Aphex Twin's "Rhubarb" over and over again. I'll read Steinbeck in a few minutes. Chest pains.

Man, I didn't realize this whole recovery process would take longer than a week. Yesterday after work I hit the gym for 45 minutes on the elliptical. That decision ranks high on my recent “dumbass decision” list. I survived the workout but my health plummeted toward evening. My body's too worn out for the gym and today, again, I have no energy.

This week has been ok, though. I drove to the office every day and got a lot done. If I hadn't I imagine the backlog would bother me, anyway, so I'm glad I didn't take time off, even if just about every night I collapsed as soon as I returned home. This weekend is wide open, at least, and I'm taking it easy. I'll read Steinbeck and wear my pajamas. This morning I hit Kohl's, where they didn't have futon covers, and Target, where they did. I picked one up before stopping at Costco for a few things (yogurt, Dayquil, pizza, laundry detergent). The skies are grey and the air cold, in the forties, but we're due for the seventies, believe it or not, Sunday.

Earlier this week I re-read Hesse's Demian, review soon. I've also been listening to the Kate Bush back catalog. I hadn't listened to her early material in a year, at least. That was kind of fun.

Boogers are running all over. I'm going to fold laundry and drink some tea. More later.

I'm on the futon while T and N play Halo. Does it sound like my kids play video games 24 hours a day? That's not quite true, although I'll often write while they're playing.

I'm in that “not sure if I should work out” mode right now. Earlier I had taken my gear, planning on changing at work and driving straight to the Y, but the sore throat was sapping my strength so I went hope and watched the Brewers instead. They lost again, by the way, late in the game. Fuck! Get it together, Brewers! Stop fucking around! Anyway, I skipped the gym, stopped at Walgreens for Dayquil, and returned home. I'm losing my chronological thread. Let me start over.

This morning was ok at work. I'm way ahead, really, more than I expected. I'm glad I answered email and worked ahead last week. Most of the morning I cruised GR/FB and put together a set of benchmark artifacts for reliability/validity checks. Yay. I guess I also fine-tuned tomorrow's class and talked with some students. Not a bad day, really.

I'm calmer lately. Not sure why. I'm a little happier. More tomorrow.

Early Monday morning. The dogs are asleep, Mack on the chair, Pete on the couch. Someone's moving upstairs. I hear voices. I think N is up.

Last night I drank expired cold medicine (oops), took a lunesta, and read Demian until I crashed hard before eight. I woke a couple times, maybe near 11 and around 2, then rose at 3. I drank some throat coat (throat still a problem), checked in online, and watched a few old Buffy segments on Logo until about 4:30AM. Then I lifted for the first time in close to a week. M said the dentist said I shouldn't work out too much after the wisdom teeth operation because the blood would rush to my stitches and hurt like a bitch but I was fine, more than fine, really, as the few days off seemed to give my muscles time to regenerate. The lift was easy. After that I did the yogurt/protein, ate a little more breakfast, and watched the news while drinking coffee. Here I am. On Monday mornings I often have a difficult time leaving the boys. This is exacerbated, I think, by last night's early sleep and my leaning on them about video game fights and messy rooms. So I could be in the shower now, rushing to get ready, but I'm not in the mood.

Interruption...N and M are up early. N is now quietly wrapped up in a blanket watching The Most Extreme. His nose gives me problems at night. More later...have a good Monday.

Why good evening, blog readers. I'm on the futon, 5PM. The boys are playing upstairs. M is making grilled cheese. The dogs are chasing shadows in circles around the first floor. All afternoon rain, wind, and clouds have cartwheeled through the neighborhood. These Sunday nights stick in memory.

My throat hurts. Not sure why. This morning I woke with a soul-reducing sore throat. Tonight I'm taking cold medicine. I get the sense that boogers or whatever are running from my sinuses into my throat. This wouldn't be a big deal, I suppose, except I want to lift in the morning and I can't if I'm all snotty. We'll see. Maybe I can combine cold medicine, a painkiller, an anti-anxiety, and lunesta. Holy hell, I'll be flying.

So this morning I slept until close to seven-thirty and didn't hit the coffee shop as planned. Instead M went to the gym while I showered and ate breakfast. The boys fought about video games about 25 times before 9AM, so I made them clean their room and come up with a non-combative video game plan. I was pretty hard on them but this shit has endured long enough. Then I cleaned the first floor and finished Talking With Girls About Duran Duran on the couch while the boys returned to video games. Not a bad afternoon, really. I'm reading and writing a ton lately. I'm not sure why. I mean, I always read, I guess, days don't pass without my nose in a book, but I've been reading six of twenty-four hours since the surgery. I've also been reading fairly easy material, though, but no complaints, it's not like I'm reading Cosmo. After finishing laundry and watching a Bones I meant to drive to Alterra's but detoured to Borders. I don't know if they've been putting more material out on the shelves or what, but I found a shitload that I either passed on earlier visits or was recently place in the stacks. After just scanning the fiction I found another Bukowski, a couple Burroughs, a Leonard Cohen (looks weird), and a few more. Not a bad haul for 30 bucks. I drove home, answered email, and drafted a book review. Then I had fake chicken nuggets for an early dinner, put away laundry, put out tomorrow's clothes, made tomorrow's lunch, and cleaned the kitchen. Then back to the couch with Hesse's Demian. I haven't read the book in twenty years but today, with all the rain and wind, is a perfect day for Hesse. I'll write more on him later once I've delved deeper into the book.

I need blueberry tea. I refuse to call it “tisane” because “tisane” is a stupid word. Good night.

My mom once said addictive personalities run in our family. I've never been into gambling, alcohol, or excessive masturbation (I think), but I tell you, man, I am LOVING these painkillers. I could take these pills on a daily basis for the rest of my life. Painkillers rule. They carry such a pleasant, spacy high, with none of the smoke or subterfuge. I want to hug them.

Today has been fine but I'm reeling a bit from the serious routine change. I can't work out, I can't eat normal food, and my energy level remains low. This afternoon I read Talking With Girls About Duran Duran on the couch while T played Black Ops with his friends via Xbox. Then I made a pretty good chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting from a Penzey's catalog recipe. After that I took a bath, gently chewed a couple tofu tacos, and tried to watch Tangled with the boys but our pay-per-view service isn't working, so we watched a Disney documentary on the oceans instead. Well, the documentary is still playing but everyone's ditched me. That's ok. I think T's staying up late for more video games. Mack just crashed next to me on the couch. Good dog.

The Brewers are losing.

Tomorrow I want to avoid the drugs for the morning and hit the coffee shops for, uh, a different drug, I guess. Ok, here are the options:

1) Java Dock: Local, funky, but a weird setup and unreliable wireless. The space is divided between two floors. The first floor leads to a narrow space, maybe ten by twelve, where you get your coffee. They can address only one order at a time and the area gets crowded quickly. The upstairs area is pretty cool, old tables, board games, etc., and I like the view. I feel like I'm spying on the passing cars. And when I'm with N and M on Saturday mornings Java Dock is usually the best option if we can snag a table even if there's no privacy and people are more or less on top of each other. Their hours are weird, though, and the hippy who runs the place will close at any moment. I get frustrated when I show up on a Saturday afternoon and they're closed for no reason I can discern.
2) Smith Brothers: Local as well, two blocks east of Java Dock, right along the main street near the harbor. Smith Brothers' primary con are their employees. I'd say about half are bitchy. I don't know why. Maybe they have a good reason. Also, their tea blows and sometimes the employees don't seem to know what they're doing. They've got a couple of regular counter people, I guess, who are good but you're rolling the dice every visit. The wireless is reliable, however, and you can't beat the view of passing cars along Grand and Franklin. The tables are a little small for real work but if the three wicker chairs are open near the fireplace the kids can get lost in their books and time passes quickly and easily. Smith Brothers gets the tourist business and, in turn, has a better chance of staying open.
3) Grafton Alterra's: I have to drive a couple miles to the Grafton Alterra's but it's probably the best of the three options. Their wireless is impeccable and the coffee excellent. Alterra's is a small, reputable chain, if you're not from around here and don't recognize the name, and they do enough volume to keep a couple people working the counter whenever they're open. The counter people are pros. Cons: Alterra's can get crazy loud and busy and if you're with someone getting a table can be difficult at peak hours. If I'm alone I usually snag a counter space, looking out over highway 60, where I can plug in the laptop and get to work. I trust Alterra's more than the Java Dock or Smith Brothers.

I don't know why I wanted to write about coffee shops tonight, but I did. Off to read. Good night.

A little after noon, Saturday, a cool spring day. Well, I had the windows open but M thought the air was too cold so she closed them. That was ok. Enough fresh air for now.

I'm on the futon, surrounded by pillows, a sleeping bag on my feet, the sun appearing and disappearing on and off. N is reading the comics at the dining room table. T just abandoned the X-box. S is on the computer, I think, M making lunch. The dogs are in the crate until lunch's end.

My teeth feel ok, I guess, although apparently I'm supposed to ice them more often. Only today when I looked in the mirror did my cheeks look different. Oh well. I'm not out to impress anyone.

This morning I woke near six after nine hours of intense, chemically induced sleep. I stumbled downstairs and watched the news until N took over and watched last night's Clone Wars season finale. I took a painkiller and spaced on the couch for a while before showering, cleaning, and walking to the library. You can smell spring in a way that I struggle to describe; the greenery, while appearing dead, is coming to life. A couple minutes after I stumbled into the library T caught up with me. We talked a little with Brooke, the librarian, then walked home. The exercise, only a half-mile each way, wore me out. I wrote a book review, ate a little ice cream, and crashed on the couch with another Rob Sheffield book. M's about to turn on House.

I'm also drinking coffee, first time in a couple days. I need a latte. Maybe I'll hit Alterra's later, but my energy is still low. More tonight.

Ok, strap in, folks, this post will be powered by 1) lunesta, 2) hydroxosine (sp?), 3) oxycoden (sp?). So...a sleeping pill, an anti-anxiety, and a painkiller. Whoo! Rock and roll. I'm starting to like pills a bit too much. I understand why people could get addicted. But whoo I like them.

So yesterday the wisdom teeth extraction took place. M and I drove down to Mequon Rd. She took over the desk negotiations, length of the procedure, etc. A nurse who reminded me of my colleague Lisa hustled me into the back room and did the blood pressure, questions about what I ate, etc. She hooked me up to a heart and breathing monitors and told me to breathe more. I tried, but apparently I wasn't breathing properly, so she stuck two plastic prongs up my nostrils, like my nose was an electrical outlet, and out poured the sweet smell of pure oxygen. Good start. Then the Dr. entered, along with another assistant, and put in the IV. The walls shook a little, I laughed, and I was out. The next thing I remember was waking a little while they were still fucking around in my mouth but I think the turned up the IV flow and knocked me out again. M and the nurse drunk-walked me to the car. Or so I thought. 45 minutes had passed during which we chatted with a nurse about post-operation care. These memories mostly escape me. The return drive home is lost to repetition memory, too, I remember stopping to to turn in a prescription. After arriving home I crashed on the couch and watched baseball between reading that book (can't remember the title) with advice from hipsters to magazine subscribers. I'll explain it later. I couldn't eat much, just soup and ice cream. The boys were fine getting home and I thought I was in pretty good shape. I didn't take the night painkillers, slept pretty good, and woke feeling close to normal. But after I cleaned the kitchen and ate breakfast I felt tired, so I sat on the rocker and finished “Inside Job”, the documentary on the economic collapse. Pretty good. I don't know much about economics but from what I can the film was well done. I decided I needed to get out of the house so I drove south to Borders. The ride down was fine, loud music, Kraftwerk, I think, and Taylor Swift. The biographies were set at 70% so I picked up a Bukowski memoir and some weird Burroughs dream book. The drive home was a bitch, however, and I questioned my decision making as soon as I hit the freeway. While I'm not proud of this history I do have a solid background driving under the influence of various chemicals (thank you, God, for hearing my prayers) and steered straight enough to land in the garage. I ate more ice cream and watched another Bones. Then M returned home and she watched two Bones, catching up to me, while I fucked around on the computer. Then I started feeling sick. The recovery guidelines suggest gargling with saltwater. As soon as I put the liquid into my mouth boogers poured from my nose. That was interesting. And a little while later, after watching some baseball (White Sox win) and some documentary on that Banksy guy, I started to feel out of it. I took the Bukowski book upstairs and finished in about four hours. I'm back and forth on Bukowski but I liked this one. More on that in the review. Now I'm listening to Mozart's Requiem, thank you, Mr. Bukowski, for reminding me of how great classical music sounds on drugs. Oh yes. Perfect. I'm going to get the boys to bed then maybe come down here, light a candle, and stay awake as long as I can, in the dark, with the Requiem. I doubt I'll last long. The drugs are doing their jobs. Good night. More tomorrow. I feel pretty good when I don't feel like I'm ready to die.

(This post was written yesterday morning, Thursday, about 9:30AM)

On the futon, watching Bones (well, re-watching Bones, I've seen this already but Maura hasn't). In about a half-hour, maybe a little less, we'll head out to the oral surgeon's office. Supposedly I'll be home a little after noon. We'll see. I'm curious as to how long the sedatives will work. Will I sleep all afternoon? I have no idea. Sleeping all day seems a waste.

Everyone's home, by the way, and feeling happy to be home, from what I can tell. The boys are off at school. Last night I stayed up late since I wanted to sleep later this morning and not deal with the "no food or drink" instructions this morning. I listened to "Darkness on the Edge of Town", watched Bourdain's Ozarks episode (excellent), and watched Inside Job until the fatigue rendered me unable to comprehend the charts, etc. Then I read a little (some book with fake advice, don't remember the title, but pretty funny).

Ok, head spinning a little. More later.

(From earlier today...)

I'm sitting under a tree, drinking a latte, near the Alterra stand at the Milwaukee airport. Hold on. I'm taking off my suitcoat. That's better. Milwaukee's airport inexplicably doesn't provide free internet access but, other than that mortal sin, I like the Milwaukee airport. How many airports have used bookstores? The space is open and I don't think I've ever seen the space what I would call crowded. Today's crowd is veering toward the business traveler variety. Where are they going at 1:20 in the afternoon? Home from a meeting or out to a meeting?

Anyway, although I'm sure I'm posting this well after I'm writing, today and last night were ok. Let's start with last night, shall we? After I logged off the blog I cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and office, minor cleaning, really, more making sure the counters were organized and blankets off the floor than real cleaning. Then I read from Love is A Mix Tape and crashed fairly by 8:30. This morning I rose by four but chose not to work out. My legs hurt. Maybe I've pushed too hard. When I put the numbers together I see almost three years of six days a week cardio. Only in the last couple months have I cut back to five days and the first year I was more likely to knock out fourteen or fifteen consecutive days without a break. My legs are telling me they can't handle the stress. But the rest of my body wants to bounce off the walls if I don't get the cardio. I'm not sure what to do. Bike? Maybe I'll work the bike into the mix. Tonight I want to stay up late (more on why in a second) so maybe I'll go for an uncharacteristic late night walk. I'm slightly wired but I'm not sure what to do. At least I've been eating healthier.

So this morning I arrived at the office by 6:30. By 11:30 I had refined next week's planning, answered email, outlined an assignment for the M/W class, interviewed a freshman, talked with a couple other students, and sent out an updated draft of the NCATE standard six crap. I swung by Borders but, alas, the same discounts ruled and I didn't buy anything. Then I hustled to an MPS school for an observation, took notes on laptop (I should have started this practice a couple years back rather than writing by hand and transcribing later), and drove to the airport.

A midget/dwarf/little person woman just passed.
Tomorrow my wisdom teeth are scheduled for removal. I dropped an extra couple hundred bucks for the good anasethia (sp?). I don't care. I've got a job. I want to be knocked out. I don't know if I've ever been medically sedated to that point before. I don't want to remember anything. Friday I'm off as well, avoiding a meeting, so I'll watch baseball and recover. Oh, that's why I want to stay up later tonight. After I wake tomorrow I can't eat or drink anything, including coffee. Set me up for failure, why don't you, oral surgeon. Anyway, since the appointment starts at 10:45 and I can't eat after 4:45AM I want to stay up until at least midnight, eating drinking, etc., then hopefully sleep until nine or so. M's taking me to the appointment. She's on spring break.

Ok, I'm going to read. More later.

Exhausted. What's wrong with me? Sometimes I think the cumulative impact of the last forty-one years catches up to me all at once. I'm not in a good place tonight, so I'm glad I wrote about positives yesterday because I read those and calm down a little.

Ok today I was up by five and at work by seven. From seven to 12:30 I graded, answered email, etc., with brief walks/visits every hour or so to keep my brain from overloading. I failed, and by the time I left to observe a student at a local middle school, I was pretty fucking fried. The student did ok, I guess, and I cut out by 1:20 and was on the stairmaster at the Y by 1:50. I don't know how people who work normal jobs, seven to five or whatever, survive. I'd fucking die. Maybe I'd adjust and take lunches, breaks, etc., more often. Or not work as intensely. I don't know. Anyway, I needed that workout. Then I returned home and lifted weights to the Bourdain Ozarks episode, took a shower, ate scrambled eggs, and finished a Bones. It's 5:36PM. The sun is still out. I should clean a little and then I'm going to read and fall asleep. Tomorrow I need to be up by four so I can work out at five because I'd rather work out early because I'm picking M and the boys up at the airport in the afternoon. Then I'm staying up late tomorrow night so I can eat and drink before crashing and waking late, I hope, before heading more or less directly to the wisdom teeth extraction appointment.

Bones said something interesting today. She repeated a Zen Koan that said, “If you want to find something, you've got to stop looking.” That made sense to me. Thank you, network tv. Must practice.

At the Grafton Aterra's, No Doubt on the speakers, the space only maybe, oh, a quarter full. This morning I bought a new Brewers hat, returned the rented router to the cable company, and graded lesson plans.

Ok, I want to do something a bit different today. I want to write out a list of little things in the world that keep me going. Little things I like.

No Doubt's “Underneath It All”, since it's on now. Esp. the part when the lady (not Gwen Stefani, the other one) raps.
Tea. After dinner I'll fire up the kettle and drink tea. Lately I'm into the Numi dark vanilla. And the Stash blueberry tea. If I need caffeine I'll go with the green and white Stash mix. Oh, and iced tea, too. I get the feeling one of my kids' enduring memories of me will be how much iced tea I drank.
Candles, one on the dining room, one in the kitchen, burning while I'm watching tv or working on the computer.
The moment in which you add the milk to the chocolate, vanilla, butter, and powdered sugar and the pebble-like mixture becomes frosting.
Watching my kids read comic books.
The Hold Steady on the car speakers.
Coffee shops in this order: 1) Grafton Alterra's, 2) Smith Brothers, 3) Java Dock.
Funny/intelligent facebook comments.
Mack and Pete, esp. when they're digging through their “Kongs”, the hollow plastic toys in which we can put dog treats for them to remove.
Bones and Castle, but more Bones than Castle, lately.
The fact baseball season starts Thursday.
My office.
Feeling like all my work email is answered.
Sleeping pills, esp. when I've had about a beer and a half and take a lunesta. Don't try that at home.
M's laugh.
N focused intensely on a science television program or reading Calvin and Hobbes. Or N saying “I have a question” before he asks a question.
T flipping his hair to the side before I take his picture.
S doing math in his head or being formal and polite with a friend.
Cutting through downtown Port Washington.
The view just south of downtown Milwaukee, when you go over the hill and the horizon is dotted with church steeples in working class neighborhoods.
The folk art wing of the Milwaukee Art Museum.
Folding laundry.
Going to sleep early.
Cacti and plants in general.
The Japanese bushes along the backyard fence. I'm a half-assed gardener, at best, but those bushes keep growing and I'm pretty sure my anal neighbors are jealous. Rabbits hide behind the bushes.
Wind.
Driving my car after I've changed the oil, filled the gas tank, and passed through a car wash.
Making people laugh at work.
Feeling like I taught well.
Hanging out with Chicago friends.
Finishing a book and starting a new one.

I'll leave the list as-is for now. More later. I'm in a good mood, glad to be alive.

The pie turned out pretty well, maybe a bit too corn-syrup thick, but good. I ate maybe a third already then sealed up the plate so I wouldn't finish the sucker in twelve hours.

9:22AM, Sunday morning, futon strategically placed in front of the television. I've already knocked out 45 minutes of cardio. Weights later. This week I need to stay focused, as far as working out is concerned, because after Thursday's wisdom teeth removal apparently I'll be knocked out for a couple days. Did I mention the wisdom teeth operation coincides with the first day of the baseball season? Excellent. I can watch baseball to my heart's content with a valid excuse. Baseball's rhythms are perfect for recovery.

Ok, I promised to address last week's Chicago visit. Two friends were in town so we met downtown Thursday night through Saturday morning. We stayed mostly downtown, including a fun stint at the Museum of Contemporary Art, where I had to hide my water in the corner so a security guard wouldn't complain, and the lounge at the top of the Hancock. Yes, I'm aware this clashes with my legendary fear of heights. But the city lights were beautiful, surreal, almost unreal, and we sat in the dark and drank a couple beers without incident. Most of those around us seemed to be international tourists. While leaving we almost interrupted a couple making out on the elevator. We'll wait for the next one, thanks. We also stayed up late talking in the lobby. My social anxiety kicked in off and on but otherwise the weekend was exhausting but rewarding.

I also said I'd explain the sabbatical mention. Friday afternoon I finished the first draft of a sabbatical application for spring 2013. Sabbaticals seem more competitive than in the past, so I don't know that I'll get one now, but I'll nail the application sooner or later. I'm worried my teaching is fading and I could use a break to write and research.

So yesterday was a pretty good day, anyway. After finishing the pie I watched American Hardcore, which I had seen before but didn't remember well. Then I hit Smith Brothers and wrote a few letters while downing a latte. Later I made tofu for dinner, although I think I'm getting sick of it. We have tofu maybe twice a week. Then I Skyped with the boys in Florida, that was great, started the very boring The Tourist, and wrote a bit more while llistening to Chopin in the dark. I think I'll turn off the computer for a few hours. I'm hungry again. Good morning.

Oh, dear readers, I should write more. The blog is on my mind often but I haven't had time. I'll make time. I get much out of writing.

M and the boys are in Florida. T just posted a pic of a gecko on a sprinkler. I'm glad they're having fun. Later in the afternoon they'll take some boat cruise dangerously near alligators, my inter-species archenemies. I've asked M to text as soon as they get back in the car so I know they've survived the ordeal.

These stretches without the family are emotional minefields. If I'm not careful I'll break down. Last summer was the worst and I think the similarity between that situation and this weekend is both a challenge and a sign of progress. In other words, a silent house is a silent house, and the space feels familiar in its quiet. However, I've planned and implemented strategies (how very clinical, eh?) that have made the first twenty hours or so not only tolerable but, at moments, pleasurable. And I don't feel pleasure very often. Pleasure feels decadent in a giddy way.

So what's the difference? First, I didn't take the wrong medication. That helps. Second, I'm much more cognizant of the rhythms of isolation and how to harness these patterns positively. For example, I know that if I stay inside all day I increase the risk of breaking down. Same with getting very drunk. And I have to balance staying busy with leisure. And M and I are planning when we're going to talk so we don't fight when either of us interrupts the other or doesn't return calls. Also, if that were to happen, we're aware of the pattern and can short-circuit the conflict. And the weather, while cold, at least is tolerable with a later setting sun.

Let me outline the last twenty hours and maybe this will make more sense. Yesterday I dropped M and the boys off at the airport near 12:30. Although I usually hang out in the airport with them and say goodbye at security, this time our late arrival (everyone had morning school) and full parking lots made this impossible. My kids are awesome, by the way. They'll still hug me and talk about missing me and wishing I could come along. I couldn't ask for more. After they entered the check-in area I drove under a gunmetal grey sky and a huge-flake snowstorm (the white flakes and gunmetal sky left a cool contrast) to the south side Borders. This store is bigger than the one on Brown Deer, and I almost bought a couple Diaz and Murakami books for 50% off, but I decided that they'd sit on my shelf since I've already read both titles. If I ever want to read them again I'll check out library copies. After that I cut through a south side detour back to 43. Milwaukee's south side is foreign to me but reminds me of the area in which I grew up, so I felt strangely at home, really. Then I stopped at the Bayshore Trader Joe's. This was also a little weird as I was only buying for myself and trying to consolidate trips because I was sick of driving. I bought bread, ice cream, and a few other higher-quality than usual items I never get at Trader Joe's. The checkout girl was rattled because the guy before me in the line was an asshole so I tried to be extra friendly. Then I stopped at Pick and Save because I had a jones for Lienenkugel's light in cans. M had finished off the last twelve pack. Sometimes I have beer in the fridge but want a different kind of beer, so the Sam Adams can wait until summer or something. I also could have bought cheaper food at P and S than at Trader Joe's but no sweat, I didn't need much. After I arrived home I lifted weights (nothing good on tv), ate scrambled eggs, and watched a little Castle before getting bored and switching over to North Carolina ass-whooping Marquette. I watched a Bones, took a shower, and read The Basketball Diaries until I fell asleep. Oh, the dogs slept upstairs with me. That was fun except tonight I need to sleep more in the bed's middle because both Mack and Pete unintentionally (I hope) lay close and leave me little room.

This morning I drank a little coffee, caught up on Sportscenter, and showered. Showering and getting dressed early helps too, by the way. If I sit on my ass feeling gross all morning depression could get triggered. So I got ready and out of the house by 8:40 or so. I stopped at the dry cleaners to drop off a pair of suit pants I accidentally washed with the other clothes. Then I quick-inspected the lame indoor farmers market before walking across the street to the library just as the doors opened. Excellent timing. I picked The Fighter up from the new releases video shelf. I already had a Redbox copy but now I can return it and not pay the daily buck. After that I quickly cut through P and S for baking supplies. I decided to make a oats and honey granola pie this morning and a fairly complicated chocolate cake (more on that in a couple days) Tuesday. After P and S I hit Costco for more baking supplies, etc. I don't think I need any food except maybe more eggs until after M and the kids return. Then I came home, put everything away, started the pie, and here I am, in a good mood that doesn't feel normal to me. Yes, I can be in a good mood and not feel guilty. It's weird, but I have to remind myself of that.

Ok, the pie's almost ready to come out of the oven. More later. I still need to talk through last week's Chicago visit, the sabbatical application, etc. I've got time. Have a good Saturday.

Yesterday I was at T's basketball tournament outside Madison all day. Here are the notes.

3/4/11 Sunday 8:19AM

I'm in the Deerfield Elementary School gym, east of Madison, waiting for the start of T's basketball tournament. The space is tight, a large gym divided by a curtain so two games can run concurrently. A few players are warming up. We're forty minutes early. I'll probably write until the game starts then put the laptop away lest the device catch a ball or diving player.

So I haven't written in two weeks. The grey, useless February weather dragged on. I read both a history of west coast punk and Rollin's A Preferred Blur. I continued working out, five days a week cardio and three days a week weights. Classes lacked energy but picked up this last week. Little office drama. I saw Waiting for Superman and caught up on Castle, Community, and Modern Family episodes. Coffee's been good. After a week of nightmares I took Dr. B. up on her additional anti-anxiety option. The spelling, which I'll probably botch, and can't look up, since the gym is wireless-free, is hyproxosine or something similar. The first time I combined the h-word pills with lunesta I was flying, like the way my memory conceptualizes the first stages of high-quality LSD. The ceiling fan shadows were a deep, rich brown. I watched them spin for ten minutes or so before I fell asleep.

The additional quality sleep gets me through the day, maybe even more than gets me through the day. Yesterday M and I talked about the fall schedule and I stayed calm and even. I don't know that if I'll ever get past the guilt associated with PTSD but I sometimes can breathe and put the past in the past. The judgment of others matters less, although I tell myself and mostly believe that judgment never mattered much in the first place. I'm less combative about their judgment lately. Let them do what they want. I'm doing ok. So yesterday I felt pretty good, out of nowhere, and didn't feel like I should be working or cleaning while I read upstairs.

The next couple weeks set up well. I'll pay for my students' inability to schedule observations early but I'll benefit with an easy two weeks. I don't teach for sixteen days. Tomorrow I'll stay home. I'll start the sabbatical application. I'll do laundry. Maybe I'll hook Netflix up to the television and watch a movie. My breathing is improving. I'm not on a manic high. I'm so unaccustomed to feeling together that when I do my mind reacts as if something is out of the ordinary and in turn in need of repair. The challenge is to create a state when this calm is habitual. I'm getting there.

Ok, basketballs are flying everywhere. I'm shutting down the laptop. More later.

10:25AM

I'm sitting at a cafeteria table designated as a “peanut-free zone”. The nearest tables are fifteen feet away. I wonder if the kids with peanut allergies look across the divide and wish they could sit with the other kids. I wonder if motion alarms activate if someone carrying peanuts gets too close.

We lost the first game 27 to 19, I think, but we were within shooting distance until the last few minutes. T manages to collect fouls quickly, like I do, I guess. H needs to keep his hands straight up and his feet on the ground. He's better every game. I sat in the far corner of enemy fandom territory. I assume the other parents find me antisocial but I hope they don't think I'm unfriendly. Wanting to sit off by myself and maintaining a friendly demeanor are not mutually exclusive concepts. I can't worry about it. I'll say hi when I pass.

M, N, and S are visiting Discovery World. That should work well, good planning on M's part, as N and S will want to stay much longer than T. He starts in with the “Can we go?” script within forty-five minutes of our arrival. After the next game T and I have three free hours. We might hit an outlet mall fifteen miles back east. We visited Cambridge briefly but besides a coffee shop T would dislike there wasn't much in town. I could use new clothes and Tristan is at the middle school age where a shot at a couple new shirts is worth a ride. I'm not eating McDonalds, though. I'm at least making him upgrade to Subway and hopefully conning him into a local place.

During the game I decided Ms. Woolf wasn't getting the undivided attention she deserved so I switched to Bryson's Thunderbolt Kid. I also watched the game.

I'm in the mood for good coffee but I'll stave off that desire until the next game ends. Today's been passable. The drive south and west from Port was great, T listened to his mp3 player and I thought through the silence. Ninety minutes in the car passed like a ride to work. The skies are bright and the air cold.

2:12PM

I'm sitting on the floor now. All the tables are filled with pre-teens and their parents. No sweat. I can plug in the laptop and save my charge. Across the room T is playing chess. His team starts their final game in forty-five minutes. The best part of losing prodigiously in tournament games comes with the early departure time. I hope they win this game because 1) a win would keep them from last place and 2) whether we win or lose we go home at four.

T scored, by the way, a sweet right handed half-layup from the middle of the key. His team looked strong early but faded and ended with a serious ass-kicking. We hustled out at the buzzer and drove to the Johnson Creek outlet mall. I don't like today's air; the car gets overtly warm while the temps outside hover just below freezing. I'll live. T picked out two cheap (around five bucks) shirts at the Gap, while I got one shirt at the Gap and a tight pullover at Columbia. We ate lunch at a crowded Subway. T wanted to get back early to hang out with his friends. And here we are. A dad and his son are sitting a few feet from me and I think the dad is weirded out by my floor-presence. I didn't ask him to sit near me. I was here first.

We should be home by five-thirty. I need a shower and I should shave as well. My stubble shows gray. I told T he was responsible.

I'm sitting on the couch while the boys watch Get Smart. They think the movie is funny, I get to drool over Anne Hathaway. Everyone wins! Snow is falling, great big flakes, and although I'd like to drive over to Alterra's to clear my head, I don't think traveling on a day like today is worthwhile. Maybe later. I've packages for the automatic post office machine, too, although they won't leave town until Tuesday because of tomorrow's holiday.

The last part of this week sucked. I pulled a twelve hour day Thursday then turned around and drove to Appleton Friday morning. Well, I didn't drive, I was one of seven van passengers on the way to a potential development meeting up in Fox Valley. At least I got the front seat on the way back. The weekend, however, has been pretty good. We've watched a slew of Castle episodes. Yesterday T and I sifted through Borders' remains and I picked up Murakami's After Dark and a cool book on west coast punk. Right now brownies are baking. You know what's fun? Melting chocolate squares. That's what's fun.

I'm working on my breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Breathing calms me down, really, like washing my hands with warm water. I still feel tense nearly all the time. I'm not sure what to do with it. Meditate more, sure. My discipline with meditation is suspect. When should I meditate? Night? Morning? After work? Maybe after work would go well.

I've been listening to Jonsi's solo album and I finished the Great Plains review. Maybe I should go for a walk.

Ok, more later. The boys are laughing at the movie, Mack is sleeping next to me, and I smell brownies. In about an hour I'm going to drizzle melted butterscotch on the brownies. Later I'll lift weights. Life is good.

I'm at the dining room table, 4:38PM. I just watched another Fairly Legal episode...felt like the first time I sat down all day. Before that I lifted weights, before that I made a cake (I need to get better at getting the round ones out of pans without breaking them) and frosting, before that...not sure what I did, just busy. Oh, laundry, too. I want to take a bath soon. I'll have to make sure S and N don't argue about Halo while I'm in there, though...nothing worse than being in the bath and getting out early to mediate a dispute.

Well, from what I can tell the Frank Lloyd Wright show was good but I saw it at about 400 miles an hour because of the boys. N was the only interested child. They had magnifying glasses you could use to inspect the drawings up close, then models of the drawings nearby, and N had fun looking at the drawings under the magnifying glass then figuring out which part of the model matched the drawing. The other two were in "can we go?" mode pretty much from the start. Oh well. We also went in the basement because the boys didn't see that last time. Oh! And the suitcase with the dreams is back on the floor. I got S to take a picture of me before cliffs of Dover, too. Maybe I'll make that my facebook pic. I need a new one. Anyway, we were maybe there an hour, tops. At least the weather is great...mid-forties and sunny, a near fifty degree swing from a week or so past.

This weekend has been fine. Friday night I crashed early. Saturday morning T was over at a friend's house, recovering from a sleepover, while N and M were at some boy scouts event. S and I hit Dockside Deli for breakfast (he doesn't want to go to Harry's, he finds old diners creepy) then read at Smith Brothers until the bright sunlight drove us out. We drove around the neighborhood until T was ready for pickup. The rest of the day was fine...I read a lot, watched Fairly Legal with M, and cleaned the house. Later M and I got dinner at the Milwaukee Ale House. I had to talk a waitress into giving us a good table. Apparently the restaurant takes reservations and the Valentines traffic was heavy. Well, the traffic was supposed to be heavy but the space was pretty much empty while we ate. We were early, though. I'm renewing M's Health magazine subscription, by the way, and I made her a cake, so, well, double presents. She got me headphones. I needed them.

Tomorrow the boys are off of school (not sure why) so I'm planning on hitting a coffee shop early, working until M has to leave, then hanging out with the boys until I need to leave myself for an 11:30 meeting. After that I promised a colleague I would go to mass, then I have a 1:30 meeting. Then I'll hang out later, I think, and get things done. I've been staying later at work lately. Often I'm hellbent on getting on the road not long after class ends but the calm, quiet hours past 3PM have been productive. Plus, the boys usually want to play video games right after school so there's no reason for me to tear ass home.

A few bullet points:

I'm enjoying Frazier's Great Plains. I probably won't travel much this summer but I'd love to get back to the Badlands or maybe even hit the North Dakotan set.

I'm on a big Velvet Underground kick.

I've spent less time online lately. That's been good, I think.

Ok, more later. The bath is calling. Good night.