I’m on the futon listening to Wild Nothing, waiting for the chocolate/toffee bars to cool on top of the refrigerator. The kids are scattered throughout the house and neighborhood and M’s out. Where did the dogs go? Not sure.

Today has been interesting. I found out that the U doesn’t need me to take on the role as director of teacher education. Let me back up a bit. I’ve turned down the Associate Dean role and told the administration I would do the TE director if they couldn’t find anyone else. Another guy was interested so I’m off the hook. Still, I admit I feel weird about not taking either gig. Historically I would have jumped at either as a status and self-worth providing opportunity. But after the last year, and pushing myself for decades, I’ve come to believe that behavioral pattern no longer works. And although I’m sure I would enjoy facets of either position there would be too many days when I wasn’t home with the kids or didn’t have time to interact with students when I would curse my idiocy for agreeing to the responsibilities. So today, for example, I have the afternoon more or less open. No meetings, nothing big going on, etc. My classes are small this semester and I’ve taught them before. Maybe I’ll go for the next level of rank, maybe I’ll write, maybe I’ll sit on the couch and watch movies. I’ve got time. I think I made the right decision.

What else has been happening? The evil, homicide-inducing hot weather has pulled back, thankfully, although I don’t think we’re done with the wrong end of summer. I’m ready for cool, cloudy fifties and sixties. We’re back in the basement offices at work but rumors abound about a move to the second floor of the main building. I don’t care either way, but I’m glad to be out of the shit temporary offices. After Friday morning I’ll be ready for the semester’s start. The only slightly weird difference is the fact I’m going nearly completely paperless this semester, so I have to grow accustomed to not carrying stacks of crap to the classroom on the first day.

I’ve been reading Celine and keeping up with working out, mixing running four or five miles into the mix. I watched Objectified, a cool documentary on industrial design, last night. Later in the evenings I’ve been mixing one beer with one lunesta and sleeping ok, although last night I only did melatonin and when N crawled into bed in the early hours I woke and struggled to return to sleep. Over the weekend, however, I slept without drugs for the first time in months.

I’m coming to the point where I’m calm with the idea that I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t, I should clarify, think anyone else ever was, but I relied too much on a sense of responsibility and sacrifice to keep me going. I know I’ll be ok, whatever happens, and that’s new to me. I’m calmer. A few weeks back, while meditation, the vision of a calm room with a wood floor emerged. The room used to be messy and cluttered but isn’t anymore. That’s the room in which I live now, and I can breathe through the clutter and maintain the calm. The relationships in my life change, as a result, but I think they’re healthier all around.

Ok, I’m going to check on the toffee bars. More later.

Welcome to a stray mid-day update. The temps are high, upper eighties, so Mack and I are sequestered in the air conditioned bedroom. Mack loves air conditioning. Smart dog.

The last week has been fine, really, and I’m growing used to the time away from the office. This morning, after a five mile walk with the dogs through pouring rain, I drove down to the office. After I found the security guy, and he opened my office door, and then discovered my computer wasn’t hooked up to the internet, I hit the computer lab and avoided the dead-air temporary office. I answered email and got back into GR mode. By ten or so there wasn’t much for me to do so I drove home, ate lunch, and snagged a double-shot latte at Alterra’s for more email and a The Invention of Morel review.

So I’m working through the poems but probably not with enough discipline. I’m trying to balance writing and staying focused and the need to decompress before the start of the semester. I think I’m doing ok. Within a week or two the meetings, etc. will start in earnest. I’m ready.

• We’re only a few weeks from September. I’m ready for autumn.
• I’m reading Celine. The novel may take a few weeks but I’m getting into rhythm.
• M and the boys visited my sister at Wonder Lake yesterday. I didn’t go. I hate that lake, all buggy and white trash, but apparently the kids had fun tubing.
• Rumors abound that our offices may move from the north end of the basement to an area closer to the classrooms. I don’t care much as to the location of the offices, but I need a fucking office before the semester starts.
• Did I mention DBT and the eels are playing the same October weekend in Milwaukee? Can’t wait.
• I might drive down to Chicago Friday. I want to take the L, maybe, from the northwest side down into the city.
• I’ve been watching Louis CK episodes online and through “On Demand”. Holy hell, that’s a great show, esp. after the first episode.
• We also started up our Netflix membership again. The online “play now” function rules. I also watched You, The Living. Pretty good.

Ok, that’s it for now. I think I’ll take my suits to the cleaners, maybe after doing some crunches. Stay cool.

Today was decent. I woke near 3:30 and answered emails, etc. until about 4:30, when I swallowed some coffee and hustled out the door to reach Redbox before everyone else. I picked up Kick Ass before hitting the gym for thirty minutes on the crossramp and crunches. After showering and eating breakfast I started laundry and hit Harrington Beach State Park with M and the boys. We skipped the beach. S and N fished at the terrifying quarry lake while T and I walked around said lake. Near the end of the loop we were within a few feet of a pair of deer who seemed more accustomed to human beings than, say, vegans might recommend. Oh, the mosquitoes were awful, even during the day, especially on the shady wood path. After getting in the car and agreeing never, ever to camp we hit the doughnut shop. Life is good.

Later I picked up my reserves at the library and visited both Costco and Aldi’s (blueberries are on massive sale at the latter). I read Bourdain, eventually finishing the book tonight, between lifting weights, eating wraps, and watching some of the disappointing Kick Ass. The air is warm tonight, too warm, and I’ll happily crash in the air conditioning. Later in the week I’ll hopefully see James and Melissa and maybe take the train to Chicago.

Today I felt flashes of happiness. I could get used to this “not focusing on work” thing. Yes, yes, I could. And I meditated last night and will again in a few minutes. A weird, almost guilty feeling accompanies the happiness, but I’m learning to let that go. And I’m sure the medication helps. The poems are coming. Tomorrow I might start crocheting. Life is good. Good night.

Hey, I just realized today is the first of August. Yay? I’m looking forward to autumn.

So I’m up, 5:10AM, sitting in the dark dining room, considering making pancakes. If I do, I have to cook soon, as I want to hit the Y at 7. What’s on NPR now? BBC, right? Maybe I’ll listen to the BBC and make pancakes. Life could be way worse, don’t you think?

Yesterday was ok. I read at the coffee shop, hung out at home, watched part of The Matrix (whatever happened to Carrie Ann Moss?) and worked on some poems. T described every single Call of Duty development. N and I watched Pawn Stars. I crashed on the bed upstairs and stared at the ceiling. I wrote out some postcards and tried to breathe deeply.

So what am I doing today? I want to learn how to knit and/or crochet. What’s the difference between the two? I have no idea. Maybe I’ll run a search. Can you tell I need coffee? More later. Meditation then pancakes. Happy August.

Rainy Saturday morning, 8:27AM. Well, the rain has stopped, after falling all night, and today could be gross and sticky and overwhelmed by mosquitoes. I think I’ll stay inside except for farmers market and coffee shop jaunts. Yes, I can feel mosquitoes even on the screened front porch. Maybe I’m hallucinating.

This was a pretty good week. Work is discombobulated, as we won’t have office access for at least two weeks, but I camped out in the mostly deserted basement computer lab and wrote a decent first draft of the program annual report. What did I do besides that? Well, I finished As I Lay Dying, dipped into Klosterman and Our Band Could Be Your Life while waiting for the new Bourdain to arrived from the library reserve list, and watched Hot Tub Time Machine. Oh, T’s 12th birthday passed, so I made him a cake and took him Ipod shopping despite his very questionable musical tastes. I worked out pretty hard, to the point where my legs are definitely feeling the effects today and I shouldn’t do cardio. I could lift, though, as I only lifted twice already this week. We’ll see.

I also had a pretty good session with my therapist, who is emphasizing that need to rediscover what makes me happy. Sure, the medication helps, but I also must transcend the idea that doing what I want to do is somehow wrong. So, for example, yesterday, while M and the boys were at the pool with friends I drove down again to the art museum and walked through the galleries. God, I love the MAM self-taught/folk art collection. And I was able to sit quietly in front of a Rothko for a good ten minutes. Now that’s a spiritual experience. Later I met M and the boys at the Lion’s Den but holy bejesus, the mosquitoes were killer. Anyway, I’m trying to get out of the house, even if only to Alterra’s or Smith Brothers, to break some patterns. Strength and energy comes from leaving the house.

I’m also working on a set of poems and photographs tentatively called Crazyman. My brother may visit mid-September, and I’d like to finish and print them up by then, so the artificial deadline might do me well.

Ok, off with S to the farmers market soon. Have a lovely weekend.

You know, I fucking hate high summer. This morning the temps are down in the low sixties for the first time in weeks, and I couldn’t be happier. Um, with the weather, at least.

So I haven’t written in forever. Quick summary:

• M and the boys were out east for two weeks at her mom’s wedding. I painted the bathroom, grew desperately ill, recovered, and watched the entire second season of True Blood.
• My office flooded this past week and I’m not sure when/where I’m supposed to work. On the other hand, I will be using “I lost it in the flood” as my go-to excuse for the next eighteen months, minimum.
• The dogs and I walked a lot up and down Port’s hills.
• S’s team is playing in today’s little league championship.
• We hit the art museum with the boys. Check facebook for pictures. We hit Kopp’s, too, and the boys are hooked.
• I’ve been able to hang out with each boy separately lately. That’s been fun. T helped me clean out my office, S and I hit the farmer’s market, and N tried to teach me how to play Wii’s Super Smash Brothers. He said, “I’m going to dominate you” and he did. I suck.
• I read a lot in the air conditioning. I finished Cheesemonger and Vernon God Little.

I’m struggling with the sense that, biologically, neurologically, I am incapable of recapturing a sense of happiness. I apologize for the dramatic statement. But every now and then I get…happy…I guess, and I remember what it’s like. And then I remember I haven’t felt that way in a long time. But otherwise I’m doing ok, lifting, trying to breathe, etc. I’m not meditating as much as I should, however. Maybe I’ll meditate now. Good morning. I can hear the train in the distance. Pete’s sleeping on his blanket in the corner. I need a shower.

Starting over.

I’m sequestered in the air conditioned upstairs bedroom with the dogs, a little before noon, although the hour feels later. The dogs are crashed, and I’d like them to rest a little longer in the cool room, so I’ll stay here and catch up on my journal. If I leave my desk they’ll follow me downstairs. Oh, I’m sur ethey’re fine. But they’re fun to watch sleep.

And how are you? The house is empty of other humans. M and the boys are out west. Their leaving is always very, very difficult. Both T and S cried at the airport Saturday. I considered driving out to see them, since the cross-the-street neighbors agreed to watch the dogs (although I still don’t understand why the dogs can’t visit as well), but 1) the temps are way high and I don’t want to leave the dogs alone too long, even with dogsitters), 2) the ride west through 90 degree heat would be a bitch, and 3) M’s mom did not sound interested in adding me to the mix. Great. Oh well. Instead I’m painting the upstairs bathroom green. I can paint rooms ok but this is a bathroom, with little corners and crevices and fucked up drywall. I’ll do the best I can. Seriously, this may need three coats. I’ll do two and let the space sit for a couple days and take another look. Oh, I have to sand, too, where the drywall has flaked. Joy.

So what else is up? Nothing, really. I’ll try to write more now the house is open and the time available. More later.

Only just past 5PM, Sunday, but the hour feels later. Not sure why. I’m in the glacial upstairs bedroom, burning a hole in the ozone right about where I’m sitting, I’m sure, but I don’t care, I love air conditioning. Suck it, environment! What have I done today? Hm…let me think. Nat came into the Wii room, where I was sleeping, and curled up next to me around 4:30AM. A storm woke him, I think. We both woke near six. I watched Fox News while he played line rider on the computer. Then I considered making pancakes but bagged the idea when he wanted waffles instead. Through the morning I cleaned, wrote a review of that Gaiman/Guy With The Long Italian Last Name anthology, and hung out with the boys. Pete and I also stood under the gazebo and watched the storm come through after I hit Costco for pizza creation supplies. Then I made the dough (not sure if I was completely successful, need to experiment) and watched some Happy Gilmore with the boys. They seemed to love the film; they’re watching again now. Later I hit the Y for day five (the five days on, one day off rotation seems to work), cardio/upper/lower/abs. Then I finished the pizza, cleaned the kitchen, ate some pizza, and here I am. I’m pleasantly tired. Shall we hit bullet points?

• The new Stars CD, The Five Ghosts, is growing on me. I also finished and sent a shebang CD and a couple out to the Netherlands for a friend.
• S and I hit the West Bend batting cages yesterday after the farmers market. I have some cellphone pics I’ll try to upload later. One of the machines was broken and gave us approximately 100 pitches instead of the usual fourteen. That was awesome. S struggled (his bat was too big, I think) with the 50mph pitches but kicked ass on the softball machine.
• I haven’t taken sleeping pills the last two nights and I’ve slept ok. Maybe tonight I’ll go for a third meds-free night in a row.
• We’ve had a shitload of rain, but in a good way. The sage is growing well out along the garage. I’m too lazy to do much landscaping, though. I know our house pales in comparison to the neighbors. Fuck it. If we ever sell, I’ll landscape then.
• On Friday I played hoops for the first time in six months. We had only eight guys and I acquitted myself quite well, thank you very much.
• My weight shot up slightly. Please be muscle, please be muscle…
• The boys start summer school tomorrow. I considered taking them to Minneapolis this week but they’ll already miss summer school when they’re in hell, er, Chautauqua, so I decided to hold off until closer to September.
• I’m back reading Wind-Up Girl.
• The dogs have been fun lately. I’m not leaving them to hit Chautauqua. I’d love to take them with me.

Ok, that’s all for now. Have a lovely start of the week.

First pizza experiment...turned out, need to practice...

Father’s Day, early in the morning, nearing four. I’ve been up since 2 or so. The laptop battery power is fading so I must write quickly. Mack is sleeping on the couch next to me, sighing every few minutes. The room is dark but I’m pretty sure Pete is dreaming on his blankets in the corner. The window is open behind me, and the cool night air rustles the curtains to the left of my eyes. Every few minutes I hear the kitchen mouse but he may now be especially quiet now he/she knows I’m here and the dogs are loose.

And how are you? My week has been ok, but I’m tight and tired this morning. I’ll be ok. Yes, yes, bluntly, I’m exasperated with the inability to go a week without…crashing…but…apparently I can’t. I’m functional, don’t worry, I drive to work, hit the gym, hang out with my kids, all that, but holy hell, when it hits, it hits. And I can’t handle groups of people at all. Want to hang out?

Ok, what did I do this week? A couple of meetings at the office. Read from that stories collection Gaiman edited with the guy with the long Italian last name. Visited the West Bend farmers market with S. Oh, when was it, Friday morning, I stood outside very early in the morning and watched a massive, perfect storm roll in from the south. I took off my clothes under the gazebo, kneeled, and prayed. Yes, you read that correctly. No, the Wisconsin populace was not scandalized, no one can see me back there. And after a couple minutes the rain drove me inside because, well, the rain was fucking cold. But life is too short not to take off your clothes and pray sometimes. Seriously.

More later.

Is today June 13th? Wow, this month is passing quickly. Highlights! Today was busy, and I’m all sweaty, but I’m ok. Well, let me start with last night. At 4PM M’s “end of the year” work party started. I attended, along with M and the boys, and my full social uselessness emerged. I don’t know if I give off “I suck at talking with people” vibrations or something, but I didn’t do very well. However, 1) I think these people know I’m in education, and you would think that would mean we could converse, but remember, most of the women are in education and their husbands all were wearing Nascar t-shirts and talking about guns. I’m not kidding. So…thank God for dogs and children. I played fetch with a dog named Lacey and baggo with S (he kicked my ass, I tweaked my knee). Anyway, after a brief consultation with M I cut out early. When I arrived home I ate dinner, read a bit, and tried to crash on melatonin. I was somewhat successful but woke at 10:30 and realized no one was home. After a quick set of unanswered texts/phone calls to M I started to worry. They were driving on some dark country roads. But they arrived home minutes later. I was too wired to sleep then so I watched Sportscenter and tossed and turn. By 6:30AM I was up on maybe two hours of sleep. Suckass. The dogs and I read on the back deck until I decided I was sick of looking at the ratty ass couch/ottoman in the living room and drove to ShopKo for a futon frame. Now, follow me here, ok? First off, ShopKo is a depressing store, sometimes more depressing than Wal-Mart, but not often. The ShopKo light is worse and the employees more…mutated. I know that sounds mean, I apologize. The store was deserted, I didn’t see anyone for ten minutes, but I finally found a cheap metal frame for the futon and knocked ten bucks off by signing up for the ShopKo reward card (not a credit card, more like the Borders reward card), so I picked up the frame for a little more than fifty bucks. Why not purchase a decent couch, you ass? Well, the two dogs are not done chewing on crap, and I don’t think they can chew on a metal futon frame, and if they could, well, the frame cost fifty bucks. Knock yourself out, Mack and Pete. The boys were surprisingly adept and helping me maneuver the old couch into the garage (how do we throw that out?) and put together the frame. N and T helped a lot, S not so much. Around noon I hit the Y for 30 hard minutes on the modified stairmaster (the one with the buzzy audio I hate). Later I ate lunch, watched some of the World Cup, fixed the library table, lifted weights/abs, planted hostas and, oh, fucking freaked out when the dogs got out of the yard and I had to chase those little speed demons, yelling “goddamn” and “motherfuck” for the whole neighborhood to hear until I lured them back in the house with dog treats. Yay.

Bullet points, shall we?

• I’m angrier lately. I like to think that’s progress, but I don’t want to scare the kids.

• The new Hold Steady is better than I expected. You can tell the piano guy is gone. I liked him, I don’t mean to say otherwise, but this is very much a guitar record.

• I’m switching my Shebang theme from “weather” to “classical”.

• The kids’ school year is complete. This means I don’t have the house to myself in the afternoons. Shit. Maybe I’ll work at coffee shops more often.

• Work is going well, I’ve finished my autumn syllabi, believe it or not. On to NCATE, etc. I want to take more time off this summer, at least two more weeks. Maybe I’ll travel.

• I finished the excellent Winter’s Bone and have moved on to The Wind-Up Girl. I love Science Fiction in the summer (is “Science Fiction” capitalized?). The start has been slow-going, however, I think because of my horrible lack of sleep. You know, I’m scared I can’t sleep. I’m fucked up. I’ll be ok. Story of my life, I suppose.

That’s it for now. Does tonight feel like Sunday night? Not really, I think, because M and the boys are off all summer.

For everyone behind the ficus...

This morning I woke in the Wii room near 6:30, rose, got ready, and dropped S and N off at school just past eight. Rain was falling and for some reason the carpool lane was bogged down in traffic so I kicked the boys out of the car at the bottom of the hill and sent them sprinting through the (fairly light) downpour into school. They survived. Then I drove down to the Milwaukee Public Museum for the Dead Sea Scrolls. Well, after finding good parking I was early so I had the rest of the museum pretty much to myself. The Milwaukee Public Museum sucks. Just to be clear, this isn’t the Milwaukee Art Museum, which I like quite a bit, this is the historical museum or whatever. The “Old Milwaukee” section is hilariously weird. It’s like a Disney animatronic ride except you have to walk and instead of singing pirates or children you have, like, a German lady cutting sausage. Let me image search. Here we go:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3382/3587088133_885156a2e2.jpg

and

http://image.absoluteastronomy.com/images/encyclopediaimages/s/st/streets_of_old_milwaukee.jpg

I also walked through the section with taxidermied (is that a word?) animals and weird historical scenes with traders and Native Americans. What a sad museum.

The Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit was pretty cool, though, especially since I followed a group of retirees and was just before the school group tidal wave. At the start the exhibit was mostly about the scrolls’ discovery and some historical context, then a short movie on the excavation, and then a little more on the containers that held the scrolls and some facsimiles of larger scrolls. Then you go into a cool dark room with the tiny papyrus fragments and their origins and translations above each fragment. Hm. I can’t find a picture, you’re going to have to trust me. I stood in front of a 2,000 year old piece of Ecclesiastes. Very cool. I bought the museum catalog and drove home in the rain.

Later I met Barb and Amanda at a coffee shop in West Bend. We talked/gossip about the university, etc. for a couple hours before I returned home and made the pie pictured below.

N’s calling. More later…Piratefest this weekend…have a lovely Friday night.

Pics of my first pie experiment...

1) Thanks, Jim, for the recipe...
2) It's apple...I wussed out and got a premade crust, though...I'll try my own crust soon...
3) The pie tastes great. Yay!

Why hello, everyone. I’m on the bedroom floor, the air conditioner blowing over near the window, a train whistle sounding through the skylight. I’m under the weather. This afternoon I curled up with Tokyo Suckerpunch, fell asleep, and woke three hours later. Will I sleep tonight? Hell yes! Thank you, sleeping pills!

Let us proceed directly to bullet points.

• I like my office in the summer. A few colleagues call it “the cave” as in, “I didn’t know you were in the cave today.” I leave off all the lights save one for the plants, turn on music, and work in the dark.
• Tomorrow I’m checking out the Dead Sea Scrolls. I have tickets, even. Then I’m driving out to West Bend to have coffee with Barb and Amanda at one of my favorite, if distant, coffee shops.
• I’ve slacked on the novel this week due to illness. I’ll catch up this weekend.
• Piratefest starts tomorrow. Why doesn’t the city support Piratefest more? Because they suck, that’s why. They support Fish Day, with the white trash shirtless drunks and 70s rock, but they can’t support Piratefest? Port Washington, I love you, but sometimes you’re a dumbass.
• I need to pay for not one but TWO lost library books. In Seattle I left the guide book on the bus. T lost one of his books, too. I will wait until a nice librarian is at the counter and approach with shame.
• This week I picked up Alice in Wonderland from Redbox. Ok, it’s not really Alice in Wonderland, I don’t care what anybody says, but I’m going to watch again anyway.
• The boys are down to the last week of school.
• I’ve been eating like shit, but in a good way.
• Oh, I’ve been on the bike twice this week instead of hitting the gym. Yay vitamin D. Remind me to check wind speeds before I ride in the future, though. Riding north into a twenty mile wind blows chunks.

Have a lovely evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m tired. Off to read.

Why hello, internet friends. I haven’t written in close to a month. My apologies. But this is Memorial Day weekend, and for some reason Memorial Day weekend seems to be a personal transitional period. I don’t know why. For example, two years ago today, after a drunken bacchanal with James, Sean, and Melissa, I looked in the mirror and decided to start working out for real. The end of the school year, the possibility of summer, seems to play a role. I almost feel guilty for liking this stretch so much.

Right now I’m in the newly air conditioned upstairs bedroom. An excellent maple table, salvaged from the CSU library renovation, supports my laptop, a small lamp, the collected Shakespeare work on which the lamp sits, and a few cords for varied electrical devices. Oh, also an old-style timer (the ticking kind) that tells me I have twenty-five minutes until the veggie pasta rolls are finished. T is off at Robin Hood with friends. S and N are in the woods behind the house, taking photographs, and M is gathering her re-certification materials together. Today has been fine. I’ve been quite productive and feel ready (save for burning a couple cds for friends and making lunch) for tomorrow. I watched the boys fish this morning in a Saukville pond (T and I are both a little freaked by fishing, I think, when hooks go through eyes and the like, but N loves the…sport? Do I call fishing a sport?) before making a cake. Let’s go to bullet points, shall we?

• I’ve started a young adult novel. More as that develops.
• The Brewers suck. At least 1) the Cubs suck, too, and 2) seats will be cheap and plentiful soon.
• I’ve read a slew of books, I think, since I last wrote, including Big Machine, some Jim Thompson, Hard Rain Falling, A Wrinkle in Time, and Death Comes For the Archbishop. Now I’m reading Tokyo Suckerpunch (thanks, Tad!).
• A few weeks back I spent five great days in Olympia and Seattle. I love the weather, man, and even the touristy spaces in that part of the country are cool. The ferry was awesome. I could have done without my dumbass decision to save twenty bucks and book a hotel too far from downtown, but I’ll learn from the error (or maybe I won’t). I also survived a hallucinatory twelve hour journey home including a red eye flight, a long stopover in Minneapolis (note to self…Continental Airlines doesn’t have armrests between their seats in the waiting areas, and you can stretch out and sleep), and a hot drive home.
• M and I are in negotiations about the summer family travel/visit schedule. I hate those negotiations so much.
• Eels are coming in October. Must remind Dan.
• I haven’t watched many films lately. No, seriously. M and the boys watched Avatar and I was bored in about ten minutes. Community is quickly moving up the very short “tv shows I will watch every week" charts.
• I’m getting lightheaded lately, not sure why. I’ve used more melatonin than lunesta lately. Tonight I’m going with the latter, though, as it knocks my ass out.
• I’m not in the mood to garden but at least I cut and trimmed the grass. That’s a start, right?
• Workout schedule is in full gear. Yesterday I fixed and fired up the bike for the first time of the season then did a little less than twenty miles to Cedarburg and back. I need a new pedal. That bike is at least a decade old but still runs ok. No complaints.
• Did I mention S and I had great seats for a Brewers game right after his birthday? That was a blast, and I pulled him out of school, too. Yay.

Ok, that’s it for now. I’m doing pretty well. More later. I’m back in the routine, I think. Have a good extended weekend.

5/2/10 10:05AM Sunday

Boogers. Two weeks passed between postings. How did that happen, seriously? I’ll tell you how that happened. The end of the semester is upon us, in all of its horror and “light at the end of the tunnel” glory. Almost done. This last week in particular was a bitch. I was out observing students pretty much every day. I’ve lost track of in which how many classrooms I sat on the back, in tiny chairs, and scribbled notes about nervous teacher candidates’ first experiences in the field. One more week.

And how are you, dear readers? Has spring arrived in your locale? Yesterday was gorgeous and today is promising. I’m on the front porch with the windows open and blinds drawn so I can see the laptop screen. Friday night storms descended on our fair city and I drank heavily while the (Atlanta) Hawks defeated the Bucks. Yesterday I employed the “drink many gallons of iced tea” anti-hangover strategy and sweated toxins out at the gym before falling asleep (thank you, lunesta!) at 7:30. This morning T and I hit the gym again early, I showered, spilled diet coke all over me, and here I am.

• I’ve read two Jim Thompson books in the last few weeks, The Killer Inside Me and The Grifters. The latter’s review is up. Thompson is good. I don’t want to read all his books in a row, however, so I switched to a well-recommended (by Donald and David, at least) Hard Rain Falling. Yesterday I also raided a few BR book lists (Donald, Bram, Jackie, Matt, thank you) and ordered a slew of titles from the library. Without the Eastern Shores Library System I’d probably acquire all these books through Amazon used books services. That would suck.
• Yesterday I realized I hadn’t listened to much new music lately. I snagged a Ben Nichols solo disc based on Blood Meridian and the last Los Campesinos. To what else should I listen?
• The Brewers cannot get their game together but are not completely lost. They either pitch well and can’t hit or hit ok and can’t pitch. I’m slightly alarmed but haven’t given up. We’re only in the first week of May.
• The grass will need cutting sooner or later. The backyard, according to N, looks like a dump. He’s right, but the backyard is the dogs’ domain, so all we can is hope we don’t have to sell the house soon.
• Seattle in a little more than two weeks. I need to check out hotel rooms and ferry schedules to Bainbridge. Maybe I’ll stay on the island one night. That might be cool.
• Yesterday I made banana/chocolate chip bread for the first time. Man, that was easy. The boys, however, pronounced the concept of banana in bakery products as “weird” and “gross”. More for me.

More later. Life is pretty good. I’m trying to pace myself a bit more rather than work like a psycho before collapsing. Let’s practice, shall we? Have a lovely Sunday.

Late Sunday afternoons are weird. What does one do on late Sunday afternoons?

Today has been excellent, but I’m grinding my teeth and worried I won’t sleep tonight. I woke to N crawling on me around six. We chatted for a while before we rose and I hit the gym at seven for forty minutes on the stairmaster and leg weights. Momentum was at stake so I ate breakfast, showered, and drove to Alterra’s. Customers crowded the coffee shop but I snagged counter space and knocked out a couple pages of the Catherine of Sienna paper while the churchgoers and yawning hipsters around me ate breakfast. Then I returned home, watched the Brewers score ten runs in the first inning, and played catch with S. What else happened? Oh, I made a dark chocolate cake with caramel frosting, all from scratch. Blogger isn’t accepting pictures today, apparently, so you have to wait for an image. I’m also focused on preparing for tomorrow today, because I think I’ll sleep better knowing I’m prepared, so I already made tomorrow’s lunch and have most of my clothes ready. Oh, and I did weights and pilates. Good day. But what now? I think I’m going to shave, take a shower, and read. I’m still digging the Jim Thompson.

Yesterday M and I saw the excellent Date Night. I also wrote up some poetry fragments. Progress, progress.

I need to pray/meditate. I don’t want a tense Sunday night, but I think I bring them mostly upon myself. Have a lovely start of the week. I can hear the kids downstairs finishing the last of their homework. Better check.

Why good morning, blog readers. The clock reads 3:36AM, near the sleep point of no return, for me, anyway. And how are you? Sorry about the space between posts. That was unintended. I will make no excuses.

So how…what’s the word…explicit shall I be about the state of my mental health? Oh, fuck it, I’m going to be straightforward. What’s the worst that can happen? Ok, I’m on wellbutrin (sp?). I’ve been on wellbutrin for three weeks. Why don’t we bullet point the experience.

• My psychiatrist is a tiny, friendly woman who pays close attention and can’t sit still. I respect that.

• I’ve seen her twice so far. This last session was particularly fascinating. She said, “you have to remember that you’ve been chronically depressed since, from what I can tell, you were around ten years old. Everyone who knows you only knows you as chronically depressed.” Holy shit. I mean, does that mean for the last thirty years I’ve been someone slightly (or more than slightly) different than who I’m supposed to be? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I can’t quite get my head around the concept. I think she’s right, though. When I look back on pretty much my whole life, well, there’s this veil that’s always present between the rest of the world and me. I always thought that was normal, but perhaps I was wrong. All I could do was work with what I had, you know? And I’ve always, in the background, carried this sense of guilt, that I was doing something wrong, that I was broken. And, well, apparently I am/was broken, but some of the guilt is lifting. I hope I can make up lost time.

• I should differentiate between the psychologist and the psychiatrist. I have a crack medical team.

• So the psychiatrist warned me that 1) I would feel weird periods of elation, and 2) that I’m pretty much guaranteed to have, what did she call them, episodes of depression again. Yay? I experienced #1 in the parking lot of Pick and Save a couple weeks ago. That was interesting.

• I’m on 300mg of Wellbutrin now. I also have lunesta for when I can’t sleep. I try not to talk the sleeping pills every night. They taste horrible, but goddamn, as I said in a previous post, they’re good. I just don’t want to rely on them.

• I’m still exhausted at work…can barely work a full day without collapsing. When will that stop?

Ok, back to the normal blog. M says I should write a book, by the way, about this past year. That’s a decent idea.

And what else has been happening? Last week I was in Louisville for a conference. Louisville is a nice town, from what I could tell, anyway. I sat on the city hall square and took in the sun.

More later. I’m getting tired. Good night/morning.