I’m on the futon listening to Wild Nothing, waiting for the chocolate/toffee bars to cool on top of the refrigerator. The kids are scattered throughout the house and neighborhood and M’s out. Where did the dogs go? Not sure.

Today has been interesting. I found out that the U doesn’t need me to take on the role as director of teacher education. Let me back up a bit. I’ve turned down the Associate Dean role and told the administration I would do the TE director if they couldn’t find anyone else. Another guy was interested so I’m off the hook. Still, I admit I feel weird about not taking either gig. Historically I would have jumped at either as a status and self-worth providing opportunity. But after the last year, and pushing myself for decades, I’ve come to believe that behavioral pattern no longer works. And although I’m sure I would enjoy facets of either position there would be too many days when I wasn’t home with the kids or didn’t have time to interact with students when I would curse my idiocy for agreeing to the responsibilities. So today, for example, I have the afternoon more or less open. No meetings, nothing big going on, etc. My classes are small this semester and I’ve taught them before. Maybe I’ll go for the next level of rank, maybe I’ll write, maybe I’ll sit on the couch and watch movies. I’ve got time. I think I made the right decision.

What else has been happening? The evil, homicide-inducing hot weather has pulled back, thankfully, although I don’t think we’re done with the wrong end of summer. I’m ready for cool, cloudy fifties and sixties. We’re back in the basement offices at work but rumors abound about a move to the second floor of the main building. I don’t care either way, but I’m glad to be out of the shit temporary offices. After Friday morning I’ll be ready for the semester’s start. The only slightly weird difference is the fact I’m going nearly completely paperless this semester, so I have to grow accustomed to not carrying stacks of crap to the classroom on the first day.

I’ve been reading Celine and keeping up with working out, mixing running four or five miles into the mix. I watched Objectified, a cool documentary on industrial design, last night. Later in the evenings I’ve been mixing one beer with one lunesta and sleeping ok, although last night I only did melatonin and when N crawled into bed in the early hours I woke and struggled to return to sleep. Over the weekend, however, I slept without drugs for the first time in months.

I’m coming to the point where I’m calm with the idea that I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t, I should clarify, think anyone else ever was, but I relied too much on a sense of responsibility and sacrifice to keep me going. I know I’ll be ok, whatever happens, and that’s new to me. I’m calmer. A few weeks back, while meditation, the vision of a calm room with a wood floor emerged. The room used to be messy and cluttered but isn’t anymore. That’s the room in which I live now, and I can breathe through the clutter and maintain the calm. The relationships in my life change, as a result, but I think they’re healthier all around.

Ok, I’m going to check on the toffee bars. More later.