In in Alterra’s again, Saturday afternoon, eels’ “Things the Grandchildren Should Know” playing on the headphones. Gunmetal grey clouds hover to the northeast. I’m hopped up on coffee and iced tea. My shoulders are slumping forward.

This morning I woke before six and hit the gym by 6:45. I wasn’t feeling the energy but I knew I would persevere on working out all day if I didn’t go early so I hauled my ass into the car and finished the usual full-on cardio workout by eight. M left for a class at the Y not long after I returned, so I showered, ate breakfast, and deposited my ass on the couch. After sportscenter, Dollhouse, and channel surfing I read from the very entertaining “Jewish Messiah” and fell asleep on the front porch. The boys kept asking me questions (they apparently haven’t learned that, you know, people are sleeping when their eyes are closed) so I got just enough sleep to wake up bitchy. After lunch and the invasion of half a million neighborhood children I decided to drive over the coffee shop early to knock out some end of the semester grading. Oh, before I left, however, N tried to keep a neighborhood kid out of his room while they were both playing legos because, in his words, “I just want to play alone in my room in peace.” Is that kid my son or what? I graded for an hour or so, and I don’t have many papers left, BUT I CANNOT GRADE ONE MORE GODDAMN PAPER TODAY. I can’t. I’ll finish tomorrow.

Last night I slept near an open window and the first midnight rain kissed my cheek while I slept.

I’ve been thinking about stress, aging, and spirituality lately. I know that I’ve got many thirty, forty years left on this planet if a disease or bus or whatever doesn’t get me first. And I know I worry too much about stupid things. I don’t know how not to worry. But part of the vocabulary that may help includes surrendering to God. Now, this may mean going to a different church, maybe the same one, I don’t know. But I’m finding peace with the idea.

While I was writing that paragraph “Dust of Ages” came on the MP3 player.

This is the day that I
Give myself up cold
To dust of ages
Settles on your days
So you shake coat off
And get on your way

That doesn’t sound as peaceful as I sometimes feel.