I’m up, before two, Monday morning. I fell asleep early, by eight, so I’m not entirely surprised. I’m struggling lately. This weekend passed like a holding pattern before a week I didn’t particularly want to start. I hate those weekends.

What did I do Sunday? S and I rose early, and the rest of the boys followed not long after. N and I sneaked to the donut shop for mother’s day donuts. I wrote an Eleanor Rigby review and continued in The Jewish Messiah. I cleaned the kitchen. Oh, T, S, and I played baseball in the back field. Later the three of us also hit Pick and Save (change machine), Target (vitamins, clocks), and Hobby Town (model car, ancient Roman armymen). N neither wanted to play baseball with us nor come out to the stores. He just wanted to stay home and play with his action figures, video games, etc. Sometimes he worries me. What am I supposed to learn from N, and how can I help him survive in the world? He’s so much like me sometimes he’s crazy, and at the risk of sounding overtly dramatic, I wouldn’t wish my adolescence on anyone. He needs to find what makes him happy in the world. So do I, I guess.

Later I half-watched the Cubs game, read, played a little football, made pasta for dinner, and read some more. You know what’s throwing me off? I know I’m lifting a lot and doing the protein powder, but my weight is still increasing more than I expect. Is that supposed to happen? I have no idea. My clothes still fit, though, and my upper body is definitely stronger, so I’m going to stay on the program, if you will, for now. I guess if you take protein powder for your muscles your weight is supposed to rise, right? I don’t fucking know.

I’m struggling. God, please make sure my youngest son doesn’t have to go through what I went through. I know I can’t protect him all the time, but I get the feeling he and I are meant to support each other and learn from each other in some way. He’s a beautiful kid, and he’s doing ok, but sometimes he reminds me of me in ways that scare me down to the very core, that scare me in ways that send me to the journal at 2AM on Monday mornings.

The weather also bothers me. Fifty and windy is too cold to do much outside. I could use a week of baking temperatures. And I hate hot weather.

School visits this morning, then a student lunch, then the semester’s last class. The end of the semester’s garbage needs taking away. Have a good day.