I'm sitting on the couch while the boys watch Get Smart. They think the movie is funny, I get to drool over Anne Hathaway. Everyone wins! Snow is falling, great big flakes, and although I'd like to drive over to Alterra's to clear my head, I don't think traveling on a day like today is worthwhile. Maybe later. I've packages for the automatic post office machine, too, although they won't leave town until Tuesday because of tomorrow's holiday.

The last part of this week sucked. I pulled a twelve hour day Thursday then turned around and drove to Appleton Friday morning. Well, I didn't drive, I was one of seven van passengers on the way to a potential development meeting up in Fox Valley. At least I got the front seat on the way back. The weekend, however, has been pretty good. We've watched a slew of Castle episodes. Yesterday T and I sifted through Borders' remains and I picked up Murakami's After Dark and a cool book on west coast punk. Right now brownies are baking. You know what's fun? Melting chocolate squares. That's what's fun.

I'm working on my breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Breathing calms me down, really, like washing my hands with warm water. I still feel tense nearly all the time. I'm not sure what to do with it. Meditate more, sure. My discipline with meditation is suspect. When should I meditate? Night? Morning? After work? Maybe after work would go well.

I've been listening to Jonsi's solo album and I finished the Great Plains review. Maybe I should go for a walk.

Ok, more later. The boys are laughing at the movie, Mack is sleeping next to me, and I smell brownies. In about an hour I'm going to drizzle melted butterscotch on the brownies. Later I'll lift weights. Life is good.

I'm at the dining room table, 4:38PM. I just watched another Fairly Legal episode...felt like the first time I sat down all day. Before that I lifted weights, before that I made a cake (I need to get better at getting the round ones out of pans without breaking them) and frosting, before that...not sure what I did, just busy. Oh, laundry, too. I want to take a bath soon. I'll have to make sure S and N don't argue about Halo while I'm in there, though...nothing worse than being in the bath and getting out early to mediate a dispute.

Well, from what I can tell the Frank Lloyd Wright show was good but I saw it at about 400 miles an hour because of the boys. N was the only interested child. They had magnifying glasses you could use to inspect the drawings up close, then models of the drawings nearby, and N had fun looking at the drawings under the magnifying glass then figuring out which part of the model matched the drawing. The other two were in "can we go?" mode pretty much from the start. Oh well. We also went in the basement because the boys didn't see that last time. Oh! And the suitcase with the dreams is back on the floor. I got S to take a picture of me before cliffs of Dover, too. Maybe I'll make that my facebook pic. I need a new one. Anyway, we were maybe there an hour, tops. At least the weather is great...mid-forties and sunny, a near fifty degree swing from a week or so past.

This weekend has been fine. Friday night I crashed early. Saturday morning T was over at a friend's house, recovering from a sleepover, while N and M were at some boy scouts event. S and I hit Dockside Deli for breakfast (he doesn't want to go to Harry's, he finds old diners creepy) then read at Smith Brothers until the bright sunlight drove us out. We drove around the neighborhood until T was ready for pickup. The rest of the day was fine...I read a lot, watched Fairly Legal with M, and cleaned the house. Later M and I got dinner at the Milwaukee Ale House. I had to talk a waitress into giving us a good table. Apparently the restaurant takes reservations and the Valentines traffic was heavy. Well, the traffic was supposed to be heavy but the space was pretty much empty while we ate. We were early, though. I'm renewing M's Health magazine subscription, by the way, and I made her a cake, so, well, double presents. She got me headphones. I needed them.

Tomorrow the boys are off of school (not sure why) so I'm planning on hitting a coffee shop early, working until M has to leave, then hanging out with the boys until I need to leave myself for an 11:30 meeting. After that I promised a colleague I would go to mass, then I have a 1:30 meeting. Then I'll hang out later, I think, and get things done. I've been staying later at work lately. Often I'm hellbent on getting on the road not long after class ends but the calm, quiet hours past 3PM have been productive. Plus, the boys usually want to play video games right after school so there's no reason for me to tear ass home.

A few bullet points:

I'm enjoying Frazier's Great Plains. I probably won't travel much this summer but I'd love to get back to the Badlands or maybe even hit the North Dakotan set.

I'm on a big Velvet Underground kick.

I've spent less time online lately. That's been good, I think.

Ok, more later. The bath is calling. Good night.

Some pics from a quick MAM trip, including a covert N pic in the Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit...

Why hello, loyal blog readers. I'm on the bed in a messy room (the boys', not mine). T is resting his head against my legs while he watches Netflixed (is that a verb?) Psych episodes. S is on Xbox. M and N are at N's swimming lessons. In a couple minutes I'm making dinner but I thought I'd write as the journal has been on my mind but I seem about five feet and ten minutes away from writing just about all the time.

By the way, today's one of the coldest days of the year, take two, if you will, as we thought the coldest day of the year would be a couple weeks back. Tonight's wind chills are meant to hit negative twenty-five. Yay. I picked a good week to get sick and take time off from the gym because walking through the yard at 4:45AM would suck. At least the sun was out today, so bright I had to close my office blinds.

The week has been pretty good, despite the Packers' super bowl win. I'm breathing, trying to meditate, etc. My students are a tougher this semester. Or maybe I'm reading them wrong. It's a good test for me, I guess, you know, to remember what real teaching is like, with students talking on the side and questioning field experience placements or whatever. I'm way ahead as far as planning is concerned. This morning I wrote up an activity for a student teaching seminar that doesn't take place for eight days. I'm already pretty much planned for next week's ASL one, too. I've picked up a few long-term projects that have been in the back of my mind and I should get down to the students' classes just to check-in with some I haven't seen in a while. I know the spring semester is a long, evil stretch. Anything I can do to head off problems early will be to everyone's advantage.

Did I mention Corey and I got coffee Friday night? I don't leave the house much but that was fun. He was running late so I hit the small Mequon bookstore for twenty minutes or so before we met at Panera's. I like Friday nights at bookstores. No rush. Then we work-gossiped for a couple hours and I drank way too much coffee and probably could have stayed until 2AM.

I finished a book on librarians called This Book Is Overdue. Eh. Review forthcoming. Now I'm reading Frazier's book on the great plains. We finished another Castle disc and, assuming accurate Netflix math, we should get another Saturday. Good timing. My sinuses are going bonkers but I've salvaged enough energy every day to rise, teach my ass off, and return home. I know I'm sick because I don't feel like working out even though I haven't visited the gym or lifted a weight since Sunday. I'm feeling the first waves of the desire to move. Maybe Friday. Friday morning I have a doctor's appointment before I drive down to MAM for the members' preview of the new Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit. Here's a link.:

http://mam.org/frank-lloyd-wright/

Maybe I'll work out after the museum. Or I could drive to the Milwaukee Public Market, always lovely on cold, sunny days, for lunch. Or I could return home, crawl into my pajamas, and prepare for a slow weekend with books. And I need Cacti soil, too. Whatever works. I'm ok with being alive today, even though the sky feels about three feet above my head and I know I'm in a precarious place.

Time to make dinner. Good night.

2/2/11 Wednesday 4:40PM

Today's Groundhog Day but I think most people forgot because of the snow. Starting Sunday night the forecasters predicted a hellacious storm of the “snow combined with high winds equals zero visibility” kind. Honestly, I can't speak one way or the other for the peak conditions because they hit in the middle of the night. Campus was wired yesterday with news of the potential closing and I had fun interrupting meetings and walking through the halls with the news that we were shutting down at 2. Then I drove home, stopping at Costco on the way, and settled in for the night. I had a couple beers but didn't get drunk because last time I I needed thirty-six hours to recover and I didn't want to waste a snow day on a hangover.

This morning N and I were up by six-thirty. We watched some of the early snow coverage (don't you think that must get boring for the newscasters after a while, pretty much repeating “it's snowing, stay inside” for eight hours in a row?) before I made cinnamon rolls, took a shower, and started laundry. I made fudge/oatmeal bars. By nine the sun was out, full power, and the reflection off the bright white snow left the landscape glowing. I walked downtown past people shoveling or snowblowing. The northeast wind traveled hard and fast but I wasn't cold, really, and definitely not in the “I need to get out of this weather now” state. The walk was fun, really. I didn't expect the library open, and they were closed, but Java Dock and Tello's were both staffed. I tied my shoes while a teenage girl made me a JD latte. She said the morning was slow and earlier, before dawn, visibility was difficult. I finished the latte on the return trip then helped M shovel out the stretch from the garage door to the alley. After lunch I decided I was trying to cram too much into the snow day so I took a long bath with the Siberia book, finished Machete, and here I am.

In a couple minutes I”m going to meditate. More later. Tomorrow we're due for the post-storm cold front, near zero. Long day at work. I'm ahead, however, with planning, so I need to breathe and stay calm and change the “always tense” pattern. Meditation. Now. Good night. Stay warm. Within a couple hours I'll be under the blankets with a book, the way winter nights should pass.

A couple pictures...I needed a break from the paperwork and had my camera...aren't the bathrooms at work clean?

I'm in the office, I mean office at work, 1:49PM, Sunday. I love the office on weekends. I'm cranking Taylor Swift (shut up) and finished more in the last few hours than I could do in a week of eight hour days others in the offices around me. I answered a slew of emails, both work and otherwise related, and planned way ahead. I'm ready for the week. The shades are down because the sun is so bright. Don't worry, cacti, I'll open them before I leave.

When did I write last Wednesday? Thursday was fine, teaching went well, actually, esp. with the afternoon group. I was concerned about them at first. They've got their rough edges put they're pushing hard. Friday morning I stayed home, I was busy, I don't remember doing what, then bought a Steelers hat at Bayshore and attended a meeting that felt like a baby shower all afternoon. Friday night M and I watched Castle. My pajamas were on by 7 and I was asleep by eight. Saturday was unexpectedly busy. That morning I hit the library (cute librarians and pages upstairs, score) with M and the oldest and youngest boys. S was off at a chess tournament. At 12 M and T left for a basketball tournament. N and I visited Sendik's for baking supplies and 100 calorie tortillas. We ran into the neighbor who dropped me from facebook (not sure why, mildly curious, but not entirely...she was weird at Sendik's, too) and almost ran into two other colleagues but we hid behind stacks of wine crates until the coast was clear. Then we stopped at Target so Nat could buy these...I don't know how to describe them...spinning lego guys. You're supposed to spin them at each other and see who gets knocked over first, kind of like rock 'em sock 'em robots but with spinning legos. You with me? Then we drove home, assembled the lego spinning guys, and competed on the wood bedroom floor until N was satisfied with his winning streak. Then he played video games and I watched another Castle. Later he and I read upstairs until S returned from chess. We had Apple Jacks for dinner (Saturday night, I'm not making a big deal out of dinner) and watched Wipeout, too. M and T didn't get back until close to eight, so the other boys and I read upstairs until they arrived home. I read a solid hundred pages from the Siberia book and fell asleep, believe it or not, without lunesta, but I woke at eleven and downed a little blue pill anyway. This morning I woke by seven, later than usual, and discovered that half the neighborhood was coming up over at eleven. That's why I'm here, listening to Taylor Swift. In a few minutes I'll change into workout gear in the bathroom and drive to the Y.

I'm doing pretty well. The sun helps. My dad always said the worst of winter were the last two weeks of January and first two of February. So far, so good. Within a month the coldest stretch will definitively pass. I'm feeling good. Yay solitude. More later.

I thought I'd do a quick entry since I've started a few but haven't managed to finish. How are you on this fine, endlessly gray Wednesday afternoon? I can't remember when the sun last appeared. Sunday, I think. I will spend some high-quality time underneath the full-spectrum light later.

Insomnia is back, the first time insomnia has won the “insomnia vs. lunesta” cage match in a while. I woke (nightmares) at one and didn't return to sleep. At four I ran 4.32 miles, up to to the middle school, across to Wisconsin St., and back through downtown. The temps were in the mid-20s but I was heavily layered and pretty warm, actually, except for my face. Since winter started I've usually hit the gym at 5AM but I didn't want to wait for the Y's opening and I like running early. The streets are mine; I run straight down the center except for the stray car's interference. After breakfast, etc., I reached the office by 6:30. For all the lack of sleep I got a shitload done. Yay empty offices.

The last couple weeks have been decent. The semester started without too much of a hassle and my students are strong. This is my fourth semester with ASL1 and each session gets smoother. The new office space is perfect, really, more quiet than not.

What else? Last night I saw S score a goal and his soccer (indoor) team won 7 to 2. I'm reading a way cool on Siberia. M, T and I are catching up on Castle's second season.

When I'm tired I get that insomniac social paranoia. At least I can go meta with it and know what's happening. Tonight I'll be asleep early. More later.

Good day after a rough weekend. I accomplished more today than I expected...laundry, cleaning, reframed an Assisi print, wrote a couple letters, burned some CDs, watched some of the suprisingly boring Inception and made cupcakes for the first day of the semester. I also worked out. I sound busier on paper.

At the moment, by the way, M is helping T with math homework. S is...somewhere, probably working on his homework, he rarely needs help, and N is reading one of the Bone graphic novels. I'm finishing the frosting in a couple minutes, doing some crunches, and hitting the showers before crashing early with a book. Last night nightmares kept me from sleeping much. I woke maybe four or five times and finally rose at four. Tonight I'm doing some high quality sleeping medication and sleeping hard, I hope.

Ok, back to the weekend. A neighbor invited us to watch the Pack game Saturday night, but he didn't invite us until the last minute. I don't handle last minute plans well, and ninety percent of the time I'd rather watch football at home, anyway, so I can channel surf when I get bored. M wanted to get out of the house. She needs that more than me. So she was mad that I didn't want to go, I was mad because I didn't feel like she understood that last minute social activity throws me, esp. when I'm flatlining. I focused on the “what do both of us need?” question. She took the boys to the neighbors' and I drove to the office and finished prepping for the semester's start. Everyone wins, eventually, I guess, although I should start actually, you know, interacting socially in safe environments.

I also saw Black Swan this weekend. Natalie Portman was amazing, although, uh, when you're struggling to stay anchored after fighting with your wife you might want to see, I don't know, True Grit or something. I'm also reading more the last couple days, True Deceiver and Rework.

Today's snow is beautiful but I'm sick of shitty roads. This afternoon I had to gun the Subaru up the hill behind the police station and nearly fishtailed onto the sidewalk. Yay. Ok, that's it for now. I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll finish the frosting, drop T off at hoops, and crash. Winter is magic on evenings like tonight, even if the roads are shitty. Good night.

Ooh, I need to stay in the journal groove. I thought I had written Wednesday. I hallucinated.

Saturday afternoon, approaching 1PM, sun and clouds alternating through the bedroom window. I'm grinding my teeth, but when I realize I am, I can breathe and relax. My legs are pleasantly tired after the first workout since Wednesday, I think, because I was off work and exhausted through the last few days of the week. The two quiet days at home worked wonders...I watched the excellent Social Network and the very good The Town. I made cupcakes using King Arthur flour. I read a lot. No complaints. This morning after working out we dropped the two older boys off at hoops, hit the library, and read with N at the Java Dock.

Last night I read a little more about PTSD and the associated guilt. That's true, very interesting, the fact that so many with PTSD feel guilty for not being strong enough, for not getting past the flashbacks, etc. That's true for me. I need to read more on the topic. I also need to reframe PTSD as an illness, and when I have flashbacks and break down, like I did mid-week, I can take a day off of work and not feel guilty.

Other notes...

The cacti are doing well. I'm not sure why I'm so attracted to them. Their resilience, their self-sufficiency, attracts me.
Classes start Tuesday. I'm ready. I'll need a few hours in the office first...either Monday or tomorrow morning. Probably Monday. I'd go tonight but the Packers are playing, I'd go tomorrow afternoon but the Bears are playing. Maybe tomorrow night.
I'm mildly obsessed with this track from The Social Network:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SBNCYkSceU

I'm putting down The Melancholy of Resistance for a bit, since I lost the thread about mid-week, and reading The True Deceivers and Reworked instead. Both are short and pretty easy. I wouldn't be surprised if I finish both by early in the week and can return to The Melancholy of Resistance with a clear head.

Ok...more later. Suddenly tired. Have a good Saturday.

I'm at the dining room table, listening to Andrew Bird's Useless Creatures, the humidifer pumping out wet air and the house blissfully free of noise. M, who gets bored inside easily, took the boys to the coffee shop for books and board games. Knock yourself out. I take them to the coffee shop often, too. My kids are growing up in coffee shops.

I'm tired after seven straight cardio days, all high-intensity Y days, along with three upper body weight sessions and the usual bike crunches. I timed the last few days around tomorrow. In the morning I'll rise, decide whether or not to do weights, and either way be out the door by 6:30 at the latest, possibly earlier. I hope to get much done before a 9AM meeting. Then I can maybe stay all day, hit Trader Joe's on the way home, and feel set for the week.

What else is going on? Let's see...I'm reading...what the hell is it called...Melancholy of Resistance. Thank you, medication, for knocking relatively unimportant facts out of my short-term memory. The novel's good but slow-going. I'm maybe ninety pages into the text and sometimes fall asleep after reading just a few more. The insomnia and exhaustion play a role, I think. The intense dreams don't stop. They're not always nightmares, but they're intense. Last night I fell asleep around 8 and slept until 6:30. I don't think I even rose to pee. Whatever you need, physical form. I'm with you. Yesterday the sun was bright, too, and I took off my shirt and basked in the bright rays upstairs. The sun has never been my thing but I'm learning to appreciate the power of light.

Ok, let's put some order to this post. I worked both Thursday and Friday, got a lot done, the office is all set up except for wall hangings, and took the evenings easy. N and I read next to each other at night. He's becoming a voracious reader. Lately he's way into tall tales, e.g. Paul Bunyan, because of a series of graphic novels from the library. Yesterday morning I hit Stein's for cacti. I'm fascinated by cacti. The self-control associated with leaving them waterless attracts me. I just ordered a couple cacti care books from the library. I wonder if they're short books. How much can you say? “Don't water them! Leave them alone!” We'll see. Cacti pics to follow. Then S and I worked out in the afternoon while watching the Seahawks trounce the Saints. The Saints bug me, and although Pete Carroll bugs me too, I was ok with the Seahawks win. Last night I read and fell asleep early while the kids watched Despicable Me. You know, this post is making me sound like I'm never with the kids, totally not true. We're together a lot. Just to make that clear.

What else? I saw the crazyass Executive Koala on Thursday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09SAiBiD0ak

The movie was fun, much more fun than I expected, even if a little gory. Tonight I'm making cookies since all the basement people are moving into their offices in the morning. 2:23PM. Feels later. Have a good rest of the weekend.

Up, 3:19AM, listening to the coffee maker percolate in the kitchen while I sit at the dining room table with the laptop. I want to describe a dream before I lose the memory. I dreamed that Tristan and I were driving around in a large old car, like the LeSabre I drove in college, on a warm late spring/early summer day. He was traveling in a city like Chicago with me to observe two student teachers but the city wasn't Chicago because on our left was a sandy, sleepy lake with a few old tourist hotels and lots of fishing net/fake lobster decorations. We were searching for a school at which I was supposed to observe the first student teacher but I couldn't find it and, after some consultation with the student teacher (who didn't believe I was lost) on the phone, realized the school was across town and we were never going to reach the site on time. The dream then morphed into a job interview scenario in which three aggressively optimistic but dangerous teachers interviewed me for a position and I was trying to figure out what they wanted me to say. One, a younger male, asked me if I thought student council supervision should be a paid position and I said that depended on the nature of student council supervision as that's different across schools but there would have to be equity in that if you paid someone to supervise student council you'd have to make sure other similar positions were paid, too. I could tell he just wanted me to say “yes” and I wasn't sure how to continue.

These are my nightmares. And they're coming fast and furious lately. Insomnia is back, kind of out of nowhere, and I don't want to fall into that “fall asleep at 7PM, wake at 3” pattern again. I miss the kids and ditch M too much then. Yesterday was a Dr. L. session day, which usually leads to nightmares, so maybe they'll pass.

Otherwise, really, life is pretty good, although N's having a difficult transition back into school after Christmas break. He's reading like crazy, which is wonderful, but I don't think he has many close friends and would rather stay home. At recess he'd rather stay in the classroom. During the fall he played soccer a lot but I don't think the kids play as much in the winter. I wonder if I should email his teacher. She says he gets along fine with everyone in class and the other kids like him, etc. So I think (and we always knew this, really) that he's going to be N, really, in the same way that T (who went through a lot of these issues when he was N's age, too) is going to be T and S will be S. I will love them however they turn out. Last night N and I read on the bed until I fell asleep. I told him a few times that he was safe here, and he could be whoever he wanted, and I think he felt better.

Did I mention I moved into the new office? The facilities guys won't have time to put pictures on the wall for a while but the space is beautiful and I don't feel worthy. I have a window for the first time since office #2 (the new office is #5). To be fair I gave up the window voluntarily after #2, to get away from the busy hallway (now I sound like N, eh?), but the southern sunlight yesterday was awesome and eventually so bright I had to close the blinds. I can grow plants in my office again! Yay!

Were the temps a bit warmer I might run outside this morning, but they're hovering around fifteen, according to my phone, and fuck it, the Y opens in ninety minutes. I'll answer email and catch up online until then. Good morning. Breathe.

Happy New Year, everyone. I'm not sure if there is a weaker or more embarrassing common holiday greeting then “happy new year”, but I'll say the phrase anyway. No, maybe I'm wrong. The start of the year carries a sense of possibility, of rebirth, although the date seems misplaced in winter Wisconsin. Spring feels more like new year to me. But we're off of work and school, the boys are playing Xbox, and the Badgers play in the Rose Bowl later, so we're in holiday-mode.

I'm upstairs on the bedroom floor. A fan is running but I wonder if I should turn off the device because I was cold when reading on the bed. Yesterday the temps were curiously high, near fifty, unheard of for late Decembers of recent memory. Two years back I remember, when Shadow was fading, the heavy cold. But since the weather was walkable, and the fog kind of pretty, S and I drove down to Bayshore and walked around the mall. He found a Tom Brady calendar for 50% off. We weaved through the crowds but didn't see anything else worth purchasing so after an Italian soda (cherry/strawberry, for S) and double shot skim latte (me) at a busy Alterra's we stopped at Little Caesar's and returned home.

(Oops, sorry, a couple hours later, got interrupted by T so we could watch Mentos/Diet Coke videos.)

Last night I had every intention of staying up until midnight but I haven't slept well lately and the coffee I drank in an attempt to stay up late fucked with my sleep. So lose-lose, I guess, on NY Eve, including N kicking me about 100 times while sleeping next to me. This morning I made donuts. The donut making...contraption...is easy but I'm not convinced the donuts are that great. After that M and I worked out. The gym was lousy with resoluters. They'll give up soon. Later I read further into Ubik and opened the blinds to let the sun pour into the room. I should probably close the blinds soon. We're just past 3:30 and the lazy, taunting sunset signals another cold, windy winter evening. I'm ok. We'll watch the Rose Bowl and I'll read before, hopefully, turning in early. Tomorrow I might run outside, covered in cold weather gear, so I can hit mass at 8AM. Or maybe I'll sleep later and skip everything. We'll see. I could use a couple hours in a coffee shop, too. Stay warm. Winter's halfway over.

Tonight feels more like March than December. A misty rain is falling and the fog will stick around through tomorrow afternoon, at least, with temps near fifty tomorrow before halving to twenty-five on Saturday. I must remember to get gas and maybe shovel the slush off the steps before the freeze. I don't want to leave the house Saturday.

And how are you? Today seemed long but I did ok. This morning Nat and I watched a special on tagging sharks until I hit the gym at seven for cardio and abs. My arms are telling me not to lift; this will be the first two week stretch with only twice a week upper body in two and a half years. After the gym I showered, ate breakfast, and drove through the fog to Java Dock for a frustrating half-hour of trying to get my computer to sync with the establishment's wireless. I gave up and returned home, where I cleaned and read for a while before sliding out before noon to the library (PK Dick novels before the library closes for the holiday), Home Depot (towel hooks), and an hour in a hot and crowded but not unpleasant Alterra's. Then I hit a packed but efficient Costco before watching one and a half Modern Family episodes with M. I foraged for dinner, nothing serious, and M and I talked about NY Eve plans. I don't care much what we do but she wants to do something special for the boys. Honestly, I think the boys would be fine playing video game and drinking sparkling cider. We'll work something out. Then I read a little and talked with my sister. She seems fine, we don't talk much, really, but we get along. The whole parental subject doesn't get broached much, at least by me, as I don't want to vent on her and lives better in a world outside of all that. I understand. Then M and I finished the last half of the second Modern Family and I came upstairs to read, although she was kind of pissed and said she's watching a Castle without me. That's ok. I want to settle in with a sleeping pill and Bryson's book on Australia. Tomorrow I might play hoops. Good night, people. The year's almost over.

Why hello, faithful blog readers. Two days in a row! No, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you. I'm once again on the bedroom floor, under the full spectrum lamp, breathing in the humidified air. M is stealing closet hangers. I'm about to settle down with a book. I'm not wearing pants. Life is good.

So today was a decent day. I realized, this morning come around 6:30, that A) I haven't woken before five since Christmas morning, I think, and B) I've pulled in ten hours of sleep every night since then as well. Maybe I'm learning how to relax, although, honestly, I don't like saying things like “I don't know how to relax” because, well, that statement sounds whiny and stupid. After I woke I ate breakfast and cruised the net until M left to set up her new room at school. The boys played video games while I started cleaning upstairs. This meant, mostly, that I threw all of M'd crap into the hall closet and cleaned our room. At 9 the boys started cleaning their rooms and did a great job, much to my surprise, I must admit, so they were allowed back on video games around 10AM. I hit the gym until 11:30 or so, showered, devoured Trader Joe's ravioli, and left, after M returned, for Kohl's (candles, 10 buck gift certificate) and Michaels' (DBT poster frame). M and the boys left for the Y pool in the afternoon. What did I do then? I don't remember. I think I read a little bit and channel-surfed since the television, for once, was open. Later M, T and I watched another Castle. T and I visited the quiet library, too, and I framed and hung that DBT poster near the basement entrance, where the Degas sculpture photo was until that, for reasons still unexplained, fell from the wall. So today's been productive, really, or a good mix of productive and vacation-y. Tomorrow I have to form that mouthguard and call the dentist for a January appointment. I need to get out of the house more, too, and as the boys will probably have friends over all day, and everyone's sick of each other, otherwise, the opportunity is present. I could drive down to the art museum and check out the design show before next week's closing. Or I could get hooks for bathroom towels, since the cheap ones I purchased last summer fell already. I'm trying to be careful with money but we've spent next to none over break so I'm ok with bathroom hooks. I want to hit a coffee shop and go through the poetry as well.

Ok, that's it for now. I need a lunesta and a book. Oh, did I mention the sun was out all day? I love grey days but I feel like I'm getting away with something basking in bright afternoons through late December. No complaints. Off to bed.

Ok, so I'm on OpenOffice on the new computer. So far so good. I also had this weird lightheaded spaceout thing about thirty seconds ago. Not sure what that was about.

So how are you, dear blog readers? I'm ready to get back into groove on the new computer. I'm getting used to the keyboard action and I'm not tethered to the somewhat weird and frustrating google docs. I'm ready to put some more time into the blog. Should that be a resolution? That and leg weights?

So Christmas went well. The boys got an Xbox. T is playing some hyper-violent game on it right now. N is upstairs on Wii Lego Indiana Jones. They've been offline for a while, shooting marshmellows at each other, so I can't complain if they get electric for an hour or so.

I didn't get much for Christmas, but I'm ok with that. M got me a donut maker and a well-intentioned but hastily returned clothes rack she wanted me to use as a cooling rack for whatever I baked. Oh, she also got me a cool Mexican nativity set. I got her those Reebok workout shoes she wanted but said she couldn't afford along with some fleece pullover with headphones attached and some warm socks. I don't suck at presents, I think.

This winter has been ok. We're almost to the first of the year and, while the temps were cold earlier in December, they're hovering in the upper twenties and low thirties now with promises of the forties by the end of the week. I remember a few years back when the last week of December and the first of January were extremely cold, so this is a bonus stretch on which we can lean, I think, to get us past middle winter and toward the worst stretch with the knowledge that the worst ends by the first of March.

What else is going on? I made a cake for N's class on his birthday and frosting for S's class's cookie decorating project. I've slowed down on working because my body seems to be telling me that I should pull back and relax. I think this is healing, really, as now that I'm learning to transcend “flight or flight” every second my body may take a long-awaited rest. Dr. L. told me to monitor the “fight or flight” thing every few minutes or so. I'm trying, and I think I'm getting better. Slow progress. As I heal more memories and flashbacks emerge. I can count on rough nights after session afternoons. Like I said, all part of the healing.

I also found out the rank and tenure committee turned down my associate professor application. This was a serious punch in the gut. Most people, I think, including myself, took for granted the designation. Five years ago this news would have decimated me. I'm still pissed off but not wrecked. I'll write an appeal, since the backroom news indicate some changes on the committee fucked a few people (including one of my best friends) and move on. My identity transcends my job. And I mean that, way more than I would have five years ago.

What else? We hit Discovery World yesterday. That was fun. A few weeks back we also moved the upstairs furniture around so our room is what used to be called the Wii room. T's room is our old room, and N and S still share the same room. The closet's open, too. I need to clean upstairs tomorrow.

We might have people over for New Year's Eve.

Ok, that's it for now. More tomorrow.

Here's my 2010 booklist, by the way:


1. Rampant, Diana Peterfreund
2. The Exterminator!, William Burroughs
3. End of the Affair, Graham Greene
4. 86’d, Dan Fante
5. Dead Until Dark, that Sookie Stackhouse lady
6. Best Travel Essays 2008, edited by Anthony Bourdain (I think…I get the editions mixed up)
7. Let The Right One In, John Ajvide Lindqvist
8. Beat the Reaper, Josh Bazell
9. To The Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
10. Big Machine, Victor Lavelle
11. Killer Inside Me, Jim Thompson
12. Grifters, Jim Thompson
13. Hard Rain Falling, Don Carpenter
14. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle
15. Death Comes for the Archbishop, Willa Cather
16. Sum, David Eagleman
17. Winter’s Bone, Daniel Woodrell
18. Stories: All New Tales, Edited by Gaiman and Sarrantonio
19. The Wind-Up Girl, Paolo Bacigalupi
20. Vernon God Little, D. B. C. Pierre
21. Cheesemonger, Gordon Edgar
22. As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner
23. Medium Raw, Anthony Bourdain
24. The Invention of Morel, Adolfo Bioy Casares
25. Long Day’s Journey Into Night, Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26. Beautiful Creatures, Kami Garcia/Marcia Stohl
27. Microserfs, Douglas Coupland
28. Zero History, William Gibson
29. The Hilliker Curse, James Ellroy
30. The Unnamed, Joshua Ferris
31. An Abundance of Katherines, John Green
32. Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life, Steve Almond
33. Woodcutters, Thomas Barnhardt
34. Freedom, Jonathan Franzen

I think I’ll finish Bryson's book on Australia and probably one more before the year’s up. I had a couple false starts this year, which is rare…I never finished a re-read of Moby Dick.

My favorite book this year was To the Lighthouse, but I also loved the Faulker and the Barnhardt, along with the Woodrell, Lindqvist, Thompson, L’Engle, Cather, Celine, Gibson, and Green. I liked a lot of books I read this year, maybe more than ever before in a single year. I also read, however, Dead Until Dark, the worst book I’ve read. And the Ferris and Greene were both disappointing.

Let’s do the stats…

• 27 of 34 books were from the library.
• 29 of 34 were fiction. Usually I mix fiction and non-fiction in a more balanced fashion...not sure why that changed this year.
• Taking out the two anthologies, only 6 of 32 were written by women. I need to work on that.

I always feel like I’m missing a book on the list, but this is what my records show. Good year.

12/13/10 Monday 2:08PM

Ok, my doctor’s appointment is canceled, and I don’t leave for the post office/library/pick up the kids for another twenty minutes, so I thought I’d get something into the journal for the first time in a while. Good news...I have a new laptop. My old device charged intermittently, only when the cord was perfectly balanced in relation to the plug, and on Saturday morning refused to charge a all. I quickly emailed myself journals/poems and that night Tristan and I ventured out into the pouring rain to pick up this baby. The entire package was only $450 dollars. I’m still adjusting to the keyboard’s actions but so far so good.

And how are you? The end of the semester has been fine, really. 99% of my grades are entered into the computer. 75% of my syllabi are finished. My office is packed and ready to go. In fact, I’m slightly lost because I’m not sure what to do with myself now the semester is ending. Yes, I know, this is a good problem to have. And I’m taking the opportunity to break my workaholic patterns. I go so intensely when I work...I need to breathe. But this is minor, I don’t mean to characterize the issue as huge. I’ll adjust:)

The weather plummeted into the single digits yesterday. I spent most of the afternoon reading crash (The Ballard one), watching football, and catching up on a nap. This morning I lifted before heading out to work. I slipped some, workout-wise, or perhaps I needed a break. I’m psycho-dedicated and worried of losing my rhythm, so I’m glad I’m back in gear, even though I’ not looking forward to tomorrow’s weather on the way to the Y in the morning.

Ok, must go. Have a lovely start of the week.

I’m on the couch, 11:01AM, practicing relaxation. The football pre-game shows are rotating with the news. N is playing video games while M, S and T are at the YMCA. This morning has been fine. I was up around six, at the Y by seven, and finished working out by eight. Since then I’ve cleaned the first floor and started laundry before eating a vegetarian brat and sweet potato fries for lunch. I could sit on the couch most of the afternoon. Maybe I’ll try.

Yesterday was pretty good as well. What did I do? I don’t quite remember. Oh, we attended the Grafton Christmas parade yesterday morning. That was kind of fun, really, watching the kids scatter for candy as every few floats passed. T and I drove down to Borders, where he picked up American Gods and I snagged a free latte. Later I took a finished Almond’s so-so Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life and took a long bath with Woodcutters.

This week looks busy. I’m going to take today easy. I have no idea what I’m teaching tomorrow. I’ll figure something out. Have a great Sunday.

Why hello, intrepid blog readers. I apologize for the delay. The last two weeks have been suckass busy and exhausting, and as I’ve corresponded with many of you on the side, it’s not like I’ve abandoned writing or anything. But when I don’t catch up with blogging/correspondence I feel the nagging sense of incompleteness. I’m not kidding. So let’s dispense with the details and go with a general summary, shall we?

Oh, first, an arsonist is apparently trying to burn down the building in which I work. I’m not kidding about that, either. We’re moving offices in a few weeks, so Mr./Ms. Arsonist, could you hold off until Christmas break, when the building’s empty?

I feel like I’m teaching in fits and spurts this semester. I’ll go a couple weeks in which I suck, in my perception, then a few in which in I teach well. Next week is the last full five day semester stretch. I’m ready for fall of 2009 to be in the books, academically, so I can drop assessment class after about twenty semesters and focus on ASL 1.

This week has been interesting. Let’s focus on Wednesday first. M had to work so the boys and I cleaned the house (ok, the boys 10%, me 90%) before making a fairly kick ass Thanksgiving dinner of roasted vegetables, lasagna rolls, Heath-bar brownies, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls (the awesome brown and serve kind, full disclosure), etc. Then I felt like walking, but I didn’t want to walk in Port, as I’ve walked every possible route about 100 times, seriously, so I drove over to Cedarburg and walked their downtown. I thought the Christmas lights and soft drizzle would be relaxing but I was wrong. Cars whizzed over corners in the dark and the rain and wind grew stronger with every passing moment. My legs gave out after three and a half miles so I drove home and started drinking. After five beers I was properly drunk and collapsed into bed where I had nightmares for the second night in a row. I’m dreaming of people leaving me, of my old house, of my sad and evil parents. I should know better as I had a session Monday and I often go through nightmares stretches after sessions. On the plus side I’m feeling more solidified in the assertion that my parents tried to send the message that I was at fault for their abuse and I’m starting to frame perceptions in ways I should have years ago but the old, negative perceptual patterns are part of who I am and not easy to transcend. My therapist is encouraging me to let the emotions and memories come naturally. I’ve been framing therapy as a task at which if I work hard I’ll finish earlier. That’s not how it works. So the nightmares suck and left me tired but not so tired I couldn’t have fun with M and the boys down at the Field Museum on Thanksgiving Day. I hustled in the morning to put together a Glee/Eighties/Madonna mix, including Echo and the Bunnymen’s Bring on the Dancing Horses, a song I hadn’t heard for years but quite love.



We listened to the mix on the traffic-free drive down into my hometown while the boys read and played DS. The museum was cool, really, with all the dinosaurs and a cool exhibit on gold (including a penis shield that M, much to my amusement, said would put someone’s eyes out) and the African and Egyptian exhibits. The soil exhibit was boring as hell, I must admit, and after two and a half hours I was right with T in whining to go home. We took Michigan Avenue north, past all the pretty Christmas lights, then LSD up to Evanston and across on Dempster while I tour-guided for the boys all the way. We stopped at the Lake Forest Oasis and had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner of Subway (T, plain turkey on Italian bread), McDonalds (S, a hamburger without pickles), Sbarro’s (a slice of pizza each for N and me, although I ate about half of his), and some broccoli/beef concoction for M from Panda Express. We sat on the row overlooking the highway and watched cars pass. This was more fun that it sounds. Later, after arriving home, I ate Wednesday’s leftovers, watched a quarter of football, and read until Lunesta guided me into ten and a half hours of blissful sleep.

This morning I skipped black Friday, for the most part, and didn’t leave the house until 10 or so, when S wanted to hit Target (DVDs for me, overrated mint M and Ms for him, lines not long) and Half-Priced Books (two more Calvin and Hobbes collections, N can’t get enough of them). Later M and I worked out before I lifted at home and we took the boys back to the Y to swim, but they wussed out (easy for me to say, I didn’t swim) after about twenty minutes so we’re in for the night. T is off sleeping over at Nolan’s while Tanner is sleeping over here. I’m drinking coffee, 6:38PM. Don’t worry, this coffee is only guaranteed to keep me up until about 8PM. These early dark sunsets, esp. on grey days, kill me. Did I mention we have two full spectrum lamps now? They rule. You should get one.

I’m concurrently reading Steve Almond’s Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life and Barnhardt’s Woodcutters. I’m not in the mood for Moby Dick. I’ll get back to the novel eventually, it’s not hard to put down and pick up again.

Ok, that’s it for now. I hope your Thanksgivings are going well. More later. Stay inside.

I’m on the couch while T watches “Destroyed in Seconds” and Mack crashes between us. Pete is sleeping in the kitchen sun. Today’s bright and sunny. M and the other two boys are off at the Y.

This week has gone pretty well. A couple times I felt really calm. When that happens I recognize the state as something I used to feel regularly. I breathe and try to keep the sense of calm for as long as a stretch as possible. I thought I taught pretty well and did a decent job of avoiding working too much while getting a little ahead on course planning. Friday morning I hit the office by 5:30AM and got a ton done before heading out for a six mile walk around 10AM. Autumn is here, the air was cold and the wind is strong, but I listened to the eels playlist and dug the walk.

What else is going on?

• T is done with football for the year, thank God, and S’s outdoor soccer is finished, too. So this weekend was more or less event free. That ruled. I read a lot (finished The Unnamed earlier in the week, should knock out An Abundance of Katherines soon, then back to Moby Dick), caught up on television (the first Walking Dead was pretty good) and hung out with the boys.

• I’ve been eating way too much Halloween candy. Today I’m focused, though, and I’ll be fine. I know how to work out (even though I only did five, rather than six, days last week and Dr. L.’s encouraging me not to overdo the physical) and eat better.

• M and I took the dogs to the dog park on…let me think…Wednesday? That was fun, just circling the space and watching them glide through the trees. Dogs at full speed are beautiful.

• We’re down to the last four weeks of the semester, and one of those is Thanksgiving week. Wild, eh?

• I feel like cooking something today, but that would require me going to the store again. Maybe I’ll just make pasta. Yesterday I roasted potatoes from the farmers market. Is that hippy enough for you?

• On Thursday (I think) I sat in a coffee shop near work and went through about thirty poems I’ve written the last couple of years. They hold up better than I expected. I may be ready to publish something this winter or next spring.

Ok, I must move the laundry and avoid staying too busy. Have a lovely start of November.