Up, 3:19AM, listening to the coffee maker percolate in the kitchen while I sit at the dining room table with the laptop. I want to describe a dream before I lose the memory. I dreamed that Tristan and I were driving around in a large old car, like the LeSabre I drove in college, on a warm late spring/early summer day. He was traveling in a city like Chicago with me to observe two student teachers but the city wasn't Chicago because on our left was a sandy, sleepy lake with a few old tourist hotels and lots of fishing net/fake lobster decorations. We were searching for a school at which I was supposed to observe the first student teacher but I couldn't find it and, after some consultation with the student teacher (who didn't believe I was lost) on the phone, realized the school was across town and we were never going to reach the site on time. The dream then morphed into a job interview scenario in which three aggressively optimistic but dangerous teachers interviewed me for a position and I was trying to figure out what they wanted me to say. One, a younger male, asked me if I thought student council supervision should be a paid position and I said that depended on the nature of student council supervision as that's different across schools but there would have to be equity in that if you paid someone to supervise student council you'd have to make sure other similar positions were paid, too. I could tell he just wanted me to say “yes” and I wasn't sure how to continue.

These are my nightmares. And they're coming fast and furious lately. Insomnia is back, kind of out of nowhere, and I don't want to fall into that “fall asleep at 7PM, wake at 3” pattern again. I miss the kids and ditch M too much then. Yesterday was a Dr. L. session day, which usually leads to nightmares, so maybe they'll pass.

Otherwise, really, life is pretty good, although N's having a difficult transition back into school after Christmas break. He's reading like crazy, which is wonderful, but I don't think he has many close friends and would rather stay home. At recess he'd rather stay in the classroom. During the fall he played soccer a lot but I don't think the kids play as much in the winter. I wonder if I should email his teacher. She says he gets along fine with everyone in class and the other kids like him, etc. So I think (and we always knew this, really) that he's going to be N, really, in the same way that T (who went through a lot of these issues when he was N's age, too) is going to be T and S will be S. I will love them however they turn out. Last night N and I read on the bed until I fell asleep. I told him a few times that he was safe here, and he could be whoever he wanted, and I think he felt better.

Did I mention I moved into the new office? The facilities guys won't have time to put pictures on the wall for a while but the space is beautiful and I don't feel worthy. I have a window for the first time since office #2 (the new office is #5). To be fair I gave up the window voluntarily after #2, to get away from the busy hallway (now I sound like N, eh?), but the southern sunlight yesterday was awesome and eventually so bright I had to close the blinds. I can grow plants in my office again! Yay!

Were the temps a bit warmer I might run outside this morning, but they're hovering around fifteen, according to my phone, and fuck it, the Y opens in ninety minutes. I'll answer email and catch up online until then. Good morning. Breathe.