I’m on the couch, 11:01AM, practicing relaxation. The football pre-game shows are rotating with the news. N is playing video games while M, S and T are at the YMCA. This morning has been fine. I was up around six, at the Y by seven, and finished working out by eight. Since then I’ve cleaned the first floor and started laundry before eating a vegetarian brat and sweet potato fries for lunch. I could sit on the couch most of the afternoon. Maybe I’ll try.

Yesterday was pretty good as well. What did I do? I don’t quite remember. Oh, we attended the Grafton Christmas parade yesterday morning. That was kind of fun, really, watching the kids scatter for candy as every few floats passed. T and I drove down to Borders, where he picked up American Gods and I snagged a free latte. Later I took a finished Almond’s so-so Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life and took a long bath with Woodcutters.

This week looks busy. I’m going to take today easy. I have no idea what I’m teaching tomorrow. I’ll figure something out. Have a great Sunday.

Why hello, intrepid blog readers. I apologize for the delay. The last two weeks have been suckass busy and exhausting, and as I’ve corresponded with many of you on the side, it’s not like I’ve abandoned writing or anything. But when I don’t catch up with blogging/correspondence I feel the nagging sense of incompleteness. I’m not kidding. So let’s dispense with the details and go with a general summary, shall we?

Oh, first, an arsonist is apparently trying to burn down the building in which I work. I’m not kidding about that, either. We’re moving offices in a few weeks, so Mr./Ms. Arsonist, could you hold off until Christmas break, when the building’s empty?

I feel like I’m teaching in fits and spurts this semester. I’ll go a couple weeks in which I suck, in my perception, then a few in which in I teach well. Next week is the last full five day semester stretch. I’m ready for fall of 2009 to be in the books, academically, so I can drop assessment class after about twenty semesters and focus on ASL 1.

This week has been interesting. Let’s focus on Wednesday first. M had to work so the boys and I cleaned the house (ok, the boys 10%, me 90%) before making a fairly kick ass Thanksgiving dinner of roasted vegetables, lasagna rolls, Heath-bar brownies, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls (the awesome brown and serve kind, full disclosure), etc. Then I felt like walking, but I didn’t want to walk in Port, as I’ve walked every possible route about 100 times, seriously, so I drove over to Cedarburg and walked their downtown. I thought the Christmas lights and soft drizzle would be relaxing but I was wrong. Cars whizzed over corners in the dark and the rain and wind grew stronger with every passing moment. My legs gave out after three and a half miles so I drove home and started drinking. After five beers I was properly drunk and collapsed into bed where I had nightmares for the second night in a row. I’m dreaming of people leaving me, of my old house, of my sad and evil parents. I should know better as I had a session Monday and I often go through nightmares stretches after sessions. On the plus side I’m feeling more solidified in the assertion that my parents tried to send the message that I was at fault for their abuse and I’m starting to frame perceptions in ways I should have years ago but the old, negative perceptual patterns are part of who I am and not easy to transcend. My therapist is encouraging me to let the emotions and memories come naturally. I’ve been framing therapy as a task at which if I work hard I’ll finish earlier. That’s not how it works. So the nightmares suck and left me tired but not so tired I couldn’t have fun with M and the boys down at the Field Museum on Thanksgiving Day. I hustled in the morning to put together a Glee/Eighties/Madonna mix, including Echo and the Bunnymen’s Bring on the Dancing Horses, a song I hadn’t heard for years but quite love.



We listened to the mix on the traffic-free drive down into my hometown while the boys read and played DS. The museum was cool, really, with all the dinosaurs and a cool exhibit on gold (including a penis shield that M, much to my amusement, said would put someone’s eyes out) and the African and Egyptian exhibits. The soil exhibit was boring as hell, I must admit, and after two and a half hours I was right with T in whining to go home. We took Michigan Avenue north, past all the pretty Christmas lights, then LSD up to Evanston and across on Dempster while I tour-guided for the boys all the way. We stopped at the Lake Forest Oasis and had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner of Subway (T, plain turkey on Italian bread), McDonalds (S, a hamburger without pickles), Sbarro’s (a slice of pizza each for N and me, although I ate about half of his), and some broccoli/beef concoction for M from Panda Express. We sat on the row overlooking the highway and watched cars pass. This was more fun that it sounds. Later, after arriving home, I ate Wednesday’s leftovers, watched a quarter of football, and read until Lunesta guided me into ten and a half hours of blissful sleep.

This morning I skipped black Friday, for the most part, and didn’t leave the house until 10 or so, when S wanted to hit Target (DVDs for me, overrated mint M and Ms for him, lines not long) and Half-Priced Books (two more Calvin and Hobbes collections, N can’t get enough of them). Later M and I worked out before I lifted at home and we took the boys back to the Y to swim, but they wussed out (easy for me to say, I didn’t swim) after about twenty minutes so we’re in for the night. T is off sleeping over at Nolan’s while Tanner is sleeping over here. I’m drinking coffee, 6:38PM. Don’t worry, this coffee is only guaranteed to keep me up until about 8PM. These early dark sunsets, esp. on grey days, kill me. Did I mention we have two full spectrum lamps now? They rule. You should get one.

I’m concurrently reading Steve Almond’s Rock and Roll Can Save Your Life and Barnhardt’s Woodcutters. I’m not in the mood for Moby Dick. I’ll get back to the novel eventually, it’s not hard to put down and pick up again.

Ok, that’s it for now. I hope your Thanksgivings are going well. More later. Stay inside.

I’m on the couch while T watches “Destroyed in Seconds” and Mack crashes between us. Pete is sleeping in the kitchen sun. Today’s bright and sunny. M and the other two boys are off at the Y.

This week has gone pretty well. A couple times I felt really calm. When that happens I recognize the state as something I used to feel regularly. I breathe and try to keep the sense of calm for as long as a stretch as possible. I thought I taught pretty well and did a decent job of avoiding working too much while getting a little ahead on course planning. Friday morning I hit the office by 5:30AM and got a ton done before heading out for a six mile walk around 10AM. Autumn is here, the air was cold and the wind is strong, but I listened to the eels playlist and dug the walk.

What else is going on?

• T is done with football for the year, thank God, and S’s outdoor soccer is finished, too. So this weekend was more or less event free. That ruled. I read a lot (finished The Unnamed earlier in the week, should knock out An Abundance of Katherines soon, then back to Moby Dick), caught up on television (the first Walking Dead was pretty good) and hung out with the boys.

• I’ve been eating way too much Halloween candy. Today I’m focused, though, and I’ll be fine. I know how to work out (even though I only did five, rather than six, days last week and Dr. L.’s encouraging me not to overdo the physical) and eat better.

• M and I took the dogs to the dog park on…let me think…Wednesday? That was fun, just circling the space and watching them glide through the trees. Dogs at full speed are beautiful.

• We’re down to the last four weeks of the semester, and one of those is Thanksgiving week. Wild, eh?

• I feel like cooking something today, but that would require me going to the store again. Maybe I’ll just make pasta. Yesterday I roasted potatoes from the farmers market. Is that hippy enough for you?

• On Thursday (I think) I sat in a coffee shop near work and went through about thirty poems I’ve written the last couple of years. They hold up better than I expected. I may be ready to publish something this winter or next spring.

Ok, I must move the laundry and avoid staying too busy. Have a lovely start of November.

Why hello, kind blog readers. Welcome to the first day of November. Let me move over to the table. That’s better. And how was your day?

November is my least favorite month, by the way. But I can’t say I totally hate November, so I guess I don’t have a totally least favorite month. February isn’t great, either, but one endures February like a champ in Wisconsin. Grit your teeth and suck it up. You chose to live here. Or your parents chose to live here, and God hates you because you were born to your parents or whatever. In any case, surviving February is a personal point of pride whereas November is like the dentist office waiting room of months without magazines. November is waiting for winter. And sometimes the cold, wet-cement grey sky is worse than the most intense blizzard. So, fuck you, November, at least until Thanksgiving, which I quite enjoy.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I was up at four, lifting by five, and in the office by 7:15. By nine I had accomplished quite a bit and I taught pretty well, too, keeping the students moving to avoid the Monday morning lecture dead-stare. I mean, I wasn’t a superstar but nobody fell asleep or looked angry to be there. Then I met with a couple friends/colleagues, got in the car, and drove to the Y for 45 minutes of cardio. I’ve been eating like shit (Halloween) so I needed the workout. I’ve been doing six days of cardio more often than not and I’ve been steady with lifting three days a week. After cardio I showered and ate lunch before hitting Dr. L’s for a pretty good session. Later I picked T up from school and played football with the boys in the back field, even covering T while S played quarterback. That was fun. After another Glee episode and dinner I took another quick shower and here I am. Pretty soon I’m going upstairs to read The Unnamed to another sleeping pill. Life is good. Happy All Saint’s Day. I’m practicing calm. I have to practice. This doesn’t come easily, but I’m getting better.

Pretty soon I’ll be upstairs with The Unnamed, ready to go to sleep. Should I drink some tea first? Maybe. My stomach is all bleh after inhaling some Giordano’s after failing to eat since breakfast. Yes, I’m a grown up.

Today was ok but exhausting. S had a game way down in Racine. The weather wasn’t bad but the wind strong so I huddled underneath the blankets and read and felt tired. Then we drove down to traffic-clogged Gurnee to pick up a pizza. Holy hell, I was reminded of what living in a strip-mall infested suburb must feel like. Cars everywhere! Everywhere, I tell you! I’m worn out. Hold on, I’m going to start tea.

Ok, I’m back, water boiling for decaf black vanilla. Maybe I’ll open the skylight. How cold are tonight’s lows? 33? That might work. Ok, more later. Have a lovely evening.

Today feels like a Saturday, probably because I didn’t do much work. What did I do, you ask? I slept until about 4:30 and decided to rest my legs instead of hitting the YMCA. Then I decided to avoid the office as I was languorously tired and I wanted to see the kids before Nana weekend kicked into gear. I took out the garbage (frost on the car windshields), fed the dogs, and ate breakfast. N rose, so we watched science channel specials until T was up as well. The sun was bright and the air cold. I tried to answer email, etc. at Java Dock but they were closed for the second time in a week. Shitty business practices, people! Instead I sat at the Alterra counter for an hour. At one point a man in head to toe black lycra sat next to me. No, that wasn’t a little weird. I think he was a bicyclist, but still. Just before ten I drove down to MAM, parked on the street, and walked through the wind (not nearly as windy as earlier in the week) to the museum. I sped through my second viewing of the design show, covertly snapping a few more pictures, then took the stairs to the third floor. Man, I love the Bradley collection, and the museum was deserted, too. I sat in front of the Rothko for a few minutes until an unforgivably chatty security guard broke the silence. I bet she got the job because she was “good with people”, and I know I sound like a little bitch, but no, I don’t want to answer questions about what I see in Rothko or hear about how this Russian couple yesterday liked the Calatrava. I fled from her presence but she got bored and found another guard in the folk art section and talked to him, way loud, while I visited my favorite gallery. I hope she got in trouble. Not big trouble. Just a little. I’m rediscovering the basement galleries, too. That “rooms of wonder” exhibit is way cool. Also, I was right, there are two German expressionist galleries, one on the first floor and one on the third. German expressionism is interesting, all the bright, garish colors contrasted with dark tones and misshapen figures. Excellent material.

After a comedy of bad driving encounters (accident, construction, dumbass truck driver lost in my neighborhood) I returned home and began replacing a broken kitchen faucet. The old one was all tight but after two hardware visits and an hour with my bare skin on mouse shit I successfully finished the job. My kids gave a 20% chance of success an M said she was worried I would somehow render our plumbing worse. Suck it, family! I win! The rest of the afternoon wasn’t bad, visiting with Nana, quick trip to the library, some Halloween event setting up downtown. I’m about to drop T off at the movie theater for a date with Lexi. Whoo!

What else happened this week? I’m three hundred pages into Moby Dick but I may hit the pause button on the novel because the new Ferris rolled into the library off the reserve list. Teaching has been fine. I haven’t had any PTSD events for five or six days.

Ok, T wants to leave. More later. Happy Halloween.

I’m mildly drunk, three beers while watching the end of the Patriots game and another Glee episode, and I’m ready to take a (most likely medically unadvisable) sleeping pill before reading Moby Dick and crashing only to rise at four and run along the lake in the rain and darkness. Who said small town life was boring?

This last week has been ok but I’m flatlining and finding myself unable to really enjoy doing anything. And I’m high-strung as hell. Attractive, eh? I’ve learned that I have to get out of the house some on weekends or else Monday arrives and I’m bitter and somewhat resentful. I don’t need to go to wild parties or anything, just a coffee shop for a couple hours. So yesterday morning S and I hit Java Dock’s second floor while I caught on email and he read ESPN magazine’s NBA preview. Then I drove out to Germantown (half-thanks to my phone’s gps, which got me to the street but not the rural park) and sat in the rain and watched T’s football team win again. During the game I listened to Sparklehorse and tried to read Moby Dick but the rain darkened the pages and I felt guilty about abusing the library copy. Oh, a huge man in a green sweatsuit laced an anti-ref tirade with liberal fucks and shits and even dared the ref to come over to the stands. I was ready with my phone camera if a fight broke out. Last night M took the boys to a haunted trail as I watched 30 Rock and tried to avoid a PTSD flashback. I think they’re seasonal.

But I’m feeling ok now, really. I’m forcing myself to relax and it’s kind of working.

Highlights!

• I had to advocate for my program at work this week. I don’t mind, most of the people with whom I work are pretty cool, and we’re refining new processes as leadership changes, etc. But, please, really, stay out of the way if you’re not used to how our program works. I know that’s snotty, but…really. We’re doing fine.
• I’ve listened to Dido’s Life for Rent and the Pixies’ greatest hits a lot this week. And some classical, too. Suddenly I’m in the mood for Sibelius.
• Full workout schedule, six days on. Thursday afternoon I thought I’d take the dogs for an easy walk but ended up two hours later returning home after a long beach trek to Lion’s Den and back on the somewhat terrifying side of Highway C.
• I’m due for a heart attack.
• I like the Rangers over the Giants.

More later.

Ok, I think today is the 16th. We’re halfway through October and for the most part the weather has been criminally warm. I suppose that makes the consideration of the impending winter easier. Think of it. November, December, January February are winter. By March first, even if the ground is still snow-covered, you know spring will arrive soon. So, here we go, a little over 120 days to the near end of winter and we’re in the mid-sixties. I’m ready. Give me pissing cold rain and fifty while I drink tea and read Moby Dick. Bring it on.

I’m sick, by the way. My chest is locked tight and feels heart-attack ready. Snot runs from my nose at an alarming rate. I can’t work out. I can’t work out. I haven’t hit a wall this hard in two and a half years, and I don’t feel guilty/slackerish because working out isn’t even an option. I’m that tired. Well, Thursday afternoon I lifted weights and yesterday I walked a few miles downtown. More on that in a sec. And I suppose later I might walk to Java Dock. But nothing serious.

This week was uneventful until Thursday when I decided I was going to teach the FUCK out of my afternoon class as the students look dead and I don’t know that I’ve risen to the occasion. The tech (youtube) got stuck but we still did a good job, I think, and I felt better as they left. I finished Ellroy’s Hilliker Curse and started Moby Dick. Friday morning was “long weekend”, or the U’s lame version of fall semester midterm break, but I went into the office anyway and got a lot done in two hours. At 9:15 I drove over to MAM, parked on the street, and sat on the stairs, waiting for the doors to open. I re-upped our membership and walked through the cool new European design show. Scroll down for pictures. Here’s a link to more information:


http://mam.org/european-design/

Some pieces were completely impractical, of course, a requirement of any furniture show just as weirdass clothes seem to be a requirement of any runway show (from, um, what I can on cable, I guess, as I’ve never attended a runway show), but most of the objects were functional and some, like the watering cans, were both cool and cheap. I covertly snapped pics and browsed the disappointing exhibit store before heading to the museum basement. A student reminded me the basement is kind of cool. Now, the American painting selection blows but the weird exhibits beyond that gallery are cool. See the curio boxes below. I wasn’t able to take everything in as I had already spent a good forty-five minutes concentrating on the design exhibit. Next time I’ll head straight to the basement instead of my usual trek to the third floor.

After leaving the museum I walked to the Milwaukee Public Market. The air was clean and the sky open but the city seemed dirty and run down. I don’t know if Milwaukee’s ever going to recover from the downfall of the local manufacturing economy. There’s a curious zombie-movie desertion feel to parts of downtown replete with empty storefronts and sketchy pedestrians. The MPM is nice, though. After circling the stalls I settled on a cheese sandwich at that healthy place where a teenage girl presses wheat grass into juice while another girl makes your sandwich. I snagged green tea also and ate upstairs while reading the local arts paper. Then I cut through downtown on a path similar to the one Dan and I took back to my car before DBT, stopped at Costco, and drove home. Oh, I also picked up some high-grade vanilla extract in what looks like a medicine bottle at the MPM Spice House. Will the vanilla impact cookie quality? We will see.

Last night S and I planned on taking in the Port/Homestead game but decided on Alterra’s and Borders instead because we knew Homestead would kick the hell out of Port. Alterra’s was empty and the cute coffee house girls fawned over S while he drank his strawberry/raspberry Italian soda. I drank a latte while we chatted in the dim light. Then we drove down the highway to Borders. I took a copy of Moby Dick off the shelves and read in a comfy chair while Sky checked out comics and football magazines. We were home by seven-thirty.

My health is hit and miss lately. I haven’t written much about it. I’m going deeper, into more difficult history, and hopefully not feeling as guilty about feeling messed up. Progress, slowly, onward, onward, always, unless staying still makes a difference.

Beethoven’s Emperor is on. Have a good Saturday.

Illegal pictures from the MAM European design show, plus a couple of those curio boxes from the basement...

lime pie. N said, "I like it all except the lime." He was the one who requested it, too.

Why hello, kind blog readers. I’m grinding my teeth and trying not to kill my spazzy dogs. Do you think if I mixed some lunesta with some treats they would fall asleep? Stupidass facebook won’t load a new profile picture, either. I’m moving too quickly and banging into things, I need a third shower, and the temps are way, way too hot for October. Breathing now. Through the nose. I’m going to stop banging into things and relax. Here we go.

And how are you? This was a pretty good week, really. I wasn’t that busy at work. My back, which hurt badly earlier in the week, like I thought I wasn’t going to be able to walk much, recovered after a long autumn walk. I guess the lower right side is still tight but I think the injury could have been much worse. The rest of the week was fine. I finished Zero History in a peaceful marathon at Alterra’s Friday night, then returned Saturday morning to start the latest Ellroy.

Right now the dogs are wrestling under the table. Fuckers.

Ok, I can roll with this. Anyway, yesterday, like most Saturdays, was lost to football and soccer until the late afternoon. Then, reminding myself that I lucked out and could skip a fancy scholarship dinner, I read a little and slept well. This morning I ran before dawn. The sunrise was red and purple, absolutely beautiful, and I saw two foxes near the water treatment plant. M left for Chicago (her brother was running the marathon) early. The boys and I had a decent day but I felt like I had to be ever vigilant. Some of this is my fault because I finished a mix CD that took longer than I expected and the kids got needy. That’s ok. We snagged a couple new video games because I feel like I never get to be the one who gets them anything cool. They played those, went outside, watched a little football, ate dinner, and played football with me. Now they’re upstairs in “quiet time” but upstairs doesn’t sound particularly quiet. Sigh. At least my clothes are laid out for tomorrow and my lunch ready. I’m not working out in the morning because A) I finished a seven day stretch, and B) I need to hit work early to get a lot done before my 9AM class. I guess I’m a little frustrated because I feel like I’m the one doing all the cleaning lately, but oh well, M is in Chicago, and I can’t blame her for that, she doesn’t get to see her family much. I’ll live. I’ll be better after a shower.

Ok, sorry to sound slightly bitchy. This morning I was much better, I promise. I’ll be fine. Time to eat some pie and get the boys ready for bed.

Tuesday's quiche:

Yesterday's French silk pie...

I’m writing from the dining room table on what I hope continues to be a calm day. Were the day to become even calmer I would not complain. Pretty soon I’ll get my clothes, lunch, etc. ready for tomorrow, maybe clean a little upstairs, and settle in with a book. I wouldn’t mind falling asleep at 4PM. Ok, maybe 6PM.

This weekend has been great but exhausting. Shall I start at Friday? I don’t think anything notable took place earlier in the week. Friday afternoon, after a baby-showerish SOE meeting, I drove downtown and parked in a lake lot. Dan was running late and didn’t have his GPS so I talked him to the Art Museum to pick me up. We drove around a bit before coming to the conclusion that Friday night garage parking wouldn’t start until after 5, so we left his car at a meter and walked back to my car. Then we found a surface lot next to a restaurant, paid five bucks (Milwaukee parking is cheap), picked up his car, parked that in a garage, and hit Renaissance Books. The building is falling apart; I don’t think I can describe accurately the broken plaster, skateboard-worthy floors, and stacks and stacks and stacks of books everywhere. Dan was terrified and says he never wants return again. I got some good pictures, perhaps I’ll post some here soon, and a video, if I can figure out how to get video from the phone to the computer. After the bookstore we hit a brewpub (Hm. That word annoys me) restaurant for fish (Dan) and grilled cheese (me). We were in front of the Pabst for the DBT concert a little before eight. A Farm Aid benefit caused a delay so doors didn’t open until eight and the opening act (Henry Clay People, I thought they were fun, Dan didn’t) didn’t start until nine. DBT were in fine form, excellent, I thought, and the set list included “One of the Days” and “Zip City”, two of my favorite songs. We didn’t get out until close to one. I talked Dan out of downtown Milwaukee on the phone after he got lost and nearly robbed at a north side gas station. When I returned home I tried to sleep but for whatever reason didn’t sleep well, catching maybe four or five crappy hours of rest.

Saturday morning M and tag-teamed one of S’s soccer games way in the city. I stopped at Java Dock but the line was too long so I got a McDonalds latte off of Brown Deer. Holy fuck, I needed coffee. S was playing at one of these huge complexes with a couple dozen soccer fields, so we weaved our way to his field. He borrowed my cool black hat because the wind was blowing cold and wore it throughout the game. They tied a good team, 2-2 while I sat away from the other parents and listened to eels on the mp3 player. My mind wasn’t in reading shape. After we returned home I considered sleeping but M and N were off at a sturgeon release and T’s game was starting soon so instead I channel-surfed and…that was pretty much it, I think. Near 5 I drove back to Milwaukee, parked in the same lot, and drank more coffee at Starbucks waiting for Dan’s return. The eels gig was sparsely attended and we snagged front-row off the riser seats for the 2nd time in two nights. Yay us. Let the kids stand in front of the stage. A truly horrible ventriloquist opened the show, followed by some rather cute but spacey folk singer, and eels walked on stage a little after nine. They opened with “Daisies of the Galaxy”, possibly my favorite eels song ever, and the rest of the show (sort of a 60s rave-up theme this tour) was tight and strong. They’re nearing the end of the world tour but still seemed happy to be there. I think most bands like playing the Pabst. It’s a beautiful theater. Most of the new material held up well, if not better live than on record. Dan and I parted immediately after the gig and, despite a sleep-deprived, hallucinatory highway stretch, I arrived home by midnight. I read a little Gibson, combined beer and melatonin, and slept like the dead until 8AM.

Today has been good so far. I made some of that ass-kicking Starbucks French roast coffee I snagged on sale at Costco. My French Press rig is broken so I dragged the drip rig from the basement but I have to press the little button under the spout with a fork because I can’t find the kettle top. Oh well. Man, I love how that coffee smells. I showered, felt alive, and cleaned the first floor after kicking the boys off of electronics. I lifted through the first quarter of the Packers game. My workout schedule has been decimated over the last week but I don’t feel like I’m going to hurt someone if I don’t go to the gym so maybe I needed the rest. After lifting/abs I ate a little, started a pie crust (French silk today) and here I am. Have a great start of the week, people. Doesn’t the first slow day after a busy stretch feel wonderful? Hell yes.

Whoo-hoo, I am completely buzzed on caffeine. This morning I had coffee at around 4:30, a diet coke near 6:30, and a latte at 7:30. Will I ever sleep again? If I have a heart attack here at Alterra’s, will they call the ambulance?

The last few weeks have been a bit manic but I’m ok this morning. Highlights!

• My birthday passed well. Really, this was one of the best birthdays I can remember, so thanks for all the messages, people. I had a rough stretch the few days before so the birthday came at a good time. The weather was strangely warm, though. Usually I associate my birthday with cold, pissing rain. I’d rather have the cold, pissing rain, but oh well, if I start complaining about warm weather on my birthday, with all the emotional uplift pouring my way, kick me in the nuts or something.

• Work has been fine. Working out has been good, too. I’ve switched schedules a bit, 45 minutes of cardio a day spread over three different machines rather than one or two. Time passes quicker that way.

• What have I read? Coupland’s Microserfs, Beautiful Creatures, and I just started the new William Gibson. Last night I sat in the glider after a shower, turned on Stars of the Lid (although I rarely listen to music while reading), and read a good seventy or eighty pages. Excellent so far.

• Next weekend will be busy. Dan’s scheduled to come up for the DBT and eels concerts. I hardly bother with any gigs, and then two of my favorite bands play on consecutive nights in Milwaukee. I’m thinking of springing for a hotel room downtown so we don’t have to drive back north or worry of the kids waking or anything.

• Autumn has arrived. This morning I drove over to the Lion’s Den and continued taking photographs for the book. I hope to finish by the end of the year.

• Did I mention my brother visited? Why yes, he did, last weekend. He’s as low maintenance as a visitor can be. He sleeps in his van, for christ’s sake. I don’t think he wanted to watch football, though. But we talked about our history, sort of freaking out M in the process, I think, and ate tacos. We’re different in many ways but both seek out safe, small places, too. He’s my brother, the only family member with whom I feel much of a connection, really. I’m glad he visited.

• Blonde girls get better service at coffee shops than normal people.

• I need a stretch of regular journal entries. They help.

• Mogwai’s Happy Music for Happy People is one of the greatest albums ever.

• More later.

Why good morning, blog readers. I’m in the somewhat-newly cleaned office next to N as he plays Civilization on the other computer. I’d take the laptop into the other room but the crapass power cord detached, somehow, and the battery is low. And how are you? The temperatures are cooler today, probably in the low sixties, now, and I’ve located and readied my pullovers, etc. N, of course, is sitting in his underwear with no estimated time of wearing pants. Well, I’m taking T and he to the farmers market in thirty minutes, so he’ll most likely wear pants then.

The semester’s start has been fine, really, although I don’t feel much of an adrenaline rush teaching. Usually the start of the school year is kind of exciting, but I’ve been too tired for the usual excitement. I’m not sure why. Slight burnout? Maybe I needed a couple weeks to get back in the groove after not teaching all summer. I taught the FUCK out of Wednesday and Thursdays’ classes if only to hold myself to some standards of not sucking.

What else is going on? This is Labor Day weekend. T invited the entire neighborhood over to a bonfire tonight. Good bonfire weather, anyway. If I’m feeling a bit better I’ll get drunk. Maybe I’ll read Beautiful Creatures with tea.

The boys’ start of the school year has been great save one incident in which N got pissed about some writing assignment and told his cute, young second grade teacher that school is “torturous”. I’m glad he has a good vocabulary, anyway. M is at a new school. She was worried about teaching middle schoolers but everything has been fine so far.

I finished Celine’s Journey to the End of Night. Great book. The review’s up on GR. Did I mention I saw Brown Bunny, too. Although I fast forwarded through a few scenes I thought the movie was brilliant, the best film about depression and isolation I’ve ever seen. This weekend I have Buffalo 66 from Netflix, also featuring Vincent Gallo. I’m looking forward to it.

Ok, I better get the boys ready. More later.

I’m on the futon listening to Wild Nothing, waiting for the chocolate/toffee bars to cool on top of the refrigerator. The kids are scattered throughout the house and neighborhood and M’s out. Where did the dogs go? Not sure.

Today has been interesting. I found out that the U doesn’t need me to take on the role as director of teacher education. Let me back up a bit. I’ve turned down the Associate Dean role and told the administration I would do the TE director if they couldn’t find anyone else. Another guy was interested so I’m off the hook. Still, I admit I feel weird about not taking either gig. Historically I would have jumped at either as a status and self-worth providing opportunity. But after the last year, and pushing myself for decades, I’ve come to believe that behavioral pattern no longer works. And although I’m sure I would enjoy facets of either position there would be too many days when I wasn’t home with the kids or didn’t have time to interact with students when I would curse my idiocy for agreeing to the responsibilities. So today, for example, I have the afternoon more or less open. No meetings, nothing big going on, etc. My classes are small this semester and I’ve taught them before. Maybe I’ll go for the next level of rank, maybe I’ll write, maybe I’ll sit on the couch and watch movies. I’ve got time. I think I made the right decision.

What else has been happening? The evil, homicide-inducing hot weather has pulled back, thankfully, although I don’t think we’re done with the wrong end of summer. I’m ready for cool, cloudy fifties and sixties. We’re back in the basement offices at work but rumors abound about a move to the second floor of the main building. I don’t care either way, but I’m glad to be out of the shit temporary offices. After Friday morning I’ll be ready for the semester’s start. The only slightly weird difference is the fact I’m going nearly completely paperless this semester, so I have to grow accustomed to not carrying stacks of crap to the classroom on the first day.

I’ve been reading Celine and keeping up with working out, mixing running four or five miles into the mix. I watched Objectified, a cool documentary on industrial design, last night. Later in the evenings I’ve been mixing one beer with one lunesta and sleeping ok, although last night I only did melatonin and when N crawled into bed in the early hours I woke and struggled to return to sleep. Over the weekend, however, I slept without drugs for the first time in months.

I’m coming to the point where I’m calm with the idea that I’m responsible for my own happiness. I don’t, I should clarify, think anyone else ever was, but I relied too much on a sense of responsibility and sacrifice to keep me going. I know I’ll be ok, whatever happens, and that’s new to me. I’m calmer. A few weeks back, while meditation, the vision of a calm room with a wood floor emerged. The room used to be messy and cluttered but isn’t anymore. That’s the room in which I live now, and I can breathe through the clutter and maintain the calm. The relationships in my life change, as a result, but I think they’re healthier all around.

Ok, I’m going to check on the toffee bars. More later.

Welcome to a stray mid-day update. The temps are high, upper eighties, so Mack and I are sequestered in the air conditioned bedroom. Mack loves air conditioning. Smart dog.

The last week has been fine, really, and I’m growing used to the time away from the office. This morning, after a five mile walk with the dogs through pouring rain, I drove down to the office. After I found the security guy, and he opened my office door, and then discovered my computer wasn’t hooked up to the internet, I hit the computer lab and avoided the dead-air temporary office. I answered email and got back into GR mode. By ten or so there wasn’t much for me to do so I drove home, ate lunch, and snagged a double-shot latte at Alterra’s for more email and a The Invention of Morel review.

So I’m working through the poems but probably not with enough discipline. I’m trying to balance writing and staying focused and the need to decompress before the start of the semester. I think I’m doing ok. Within a week or two the meetings, etc. will start in earnest. I’m ready.

• We’re only a few weeks from September. I’m ready for autumn.
• I’m reading Celine. The novel may take a few weeks but I’m getting into rhythm.
• M and the boys visited my sister at Wonder Lake yesterday. I didn’t go. I hate that lake, all buggy and white trash, but apparently the kids had fun tubing.
• Rumors abound that our offices may move from the north end of the basement to an area closer to the classrooms. I don’t care much as to the location of the offices, but I need a fucking office before the semester starts.
• Did I mention DBT and the eels are playing the same October weekend in Milwaukee? Can’t wait.
• I might drive down to Chicago Friday. I want to take the L, maybe, from the northwest side down into the city.
• I’ve been watching Louis CK episodes online and through “On Demand”. Holy hell, that’s a great show, esp. after the first episode.
• We also started up our Netflix membership again. The online “play now” function rules. I also watched You, The Living. Pretty good.

Ok, that’s it for now. I think I’ll take my suits to the cleaners, maybe after doing some crunches. Stay cool.

Today was decent. I woke near 3:30 and answered emails, etc. until about 4:30, when I swallowed some coffee and hustled out the door to reach Redbox before everyone else. I picked up Kick Ass before hitting the gym for thirty minutes on the crossramp and crunches. After showering and eating breakfast I started laundry and hit Harrington Beach State Park with M and the boys. We skipped the beach. S and N fished at the terrifying quarry lake while T and I walked around said lake. Near the end of the loop we were within a few feet of a pair of deer who seemed more accustomed to human beings than, say, vegans might recommend. Oh, the mosquitoes were awful, even during the day, especially on the shady wood path. After getting in the car and agreeing never, ever to camp we hit the doughnut shop. Life is good.

Later I picked up my reserves at the library and visited both Costco and Aldi’s (blueberries are on massive sale at the latter). I read Bourdain, eventually finishing the book tonight, between lifting weights, eating wraps, and watching some of the disappointing Kick Ass. The air is warm tonight, too warm, and I’ll happily crash in the air conditioning. Later in the week I’ll hopefully see James and Melissa and maybe take the train to Chicago.

Today I felt flashes of happiness. I could get used to this “not focusing on work” thing. Yes, yes, I could. And I meditated last night and will again in a few minutes. A weird, almost guilty feeling accompanies the happiness, but I’m learning to let that go. And I’m sure the medication helps. The poems are coming. Tomorrow I might start crocheting. Life is good. Good night.

Hey, I just realized today is the first of August. Yay? I’m looking forward to autumn.

So I’m up, 5:10AM, sitting in the dark dining room, considering making pancakes. If I do, I have to cook soon, as I want to hit the Y at 7. What’s on NPR now? BBC, right? Maybe I’ll listen to the BBC and make pancakes. Life could be way worse, don’t you think?

Yesterday was ok. I read at the coffee shop, hung out at home, watched part of The Matrix (whatever happened to Carrie Ann Moss?) and worked on some poems. T described every single Call of Duty development. N and I watched Pawn Stars. I crashed on the bed upstairs and stared at the ceiling. I wrote out some postcards and tried to breathe deeply.

So what am I doing today? I want to learn how to knit and/or crochet. What’s the difference between the two? I have no idea. Maybe I’ll run a search. Can you tell I need coffee? More later. Meditation then pancakes. Happy August.