Why hello, dear readers. I’m on the very messy front porch. The ceiling fan is running for the first time since last fall. I suppose I don’t need the ceiling fan running, but what the hell, hearing the drone again while I sit in the Adirondack chair is fun. Tomorrow I’ll clean and we’ll have a real front porch again.
I’m on spring break and doing pretty well, thank you very much. I don’t remember what I did over the weekend so I’m sure the time was very exciting. Seriously, what did I do? Don’t remember. On Monday N was sick so he and I hung out all day. We took M to work after she dropped off the van but stopped at a cool coffee shop in West Bend beforehand for espresso/cookies. The last two days I’ve had the house to myself. I’ve watched films (Up in the Air, pretty good), read (To The Lighthouse, excellent, but not very much fun), made a cake, and cleaned the first floor. I’ve been diligent about avoiding work, except for a brief stretch to clear a few emails/papers off the computer, but I feel myself grinding my teeth some. I’m doing ok. These things don’t change overnight, you know? I’m slowly learning, I think, how to be happy again. Big symbols help, like writing poetry or reading in the middle of the day. I think the biggest challenge will be letting go of work and not feeling as if part of me is getting torn away. Or maybe that’s a good thing, that feeling, because I’ll get to start over. And Easter week is an excellent time to start over, don’t you think?
Ok, I thought I’d have a lot to write, but I guess I don’t. We have new phones. I’m about a third done with the Catherine of Siena paper but decided not to take classes next year. I had to know now because the U expects us to fill out some stupid paperwork way ahead of time. Fine, whatever. My shoulder hurt over the weekend but I’ve lifted today and Monday and felt fine. More tomorrow, April Fool’s Day.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
What day is today? March 27th? Wow. I’m at the dining room table, drinking tea, the first official day of spring break. An empty mug of French press coffee sits next to me, and I napped this afternoon for the first time in forever. Will I ever sleep again?
These last few weeks have been among the most trying of my life. Let me explain as much as I can in public.
Both a psychologist and a psychiatrist indicate that, as far as my brain chemistry is concerned, I’m flatlining. Well, that’s my term. Let me illuminate the scenario a bit with a conflation of the questions they’ve asked:
1. Do you feel rested when you wake?
No.
2. When are you happy?
I don’t know that I’m happy more than in brief glimpses but usually I stay between 0 and 5 on a ten point scale. I’m calm when I read, but that’s not quite happy.
Ok, add the idea that I’m tired all the time and feeling totally burned out at work, and there you go. So I’m going to continue with my crack team of mental health professionals (they really are cool) and see what happens. I’m sleeping a little better and I’m a little happier. It’s all about changing behavioral patterns on a neurological level and, when push comes to shove, kick-starting my brain chemistry. Maybe I’ll go into more detail later, but this blog was never intended to be a whiny description of my descent into hell and ascent back, so I’ll go on to other topics. Bullet points!
• I finished both Let The Right One In (excellent) and Beat The Reaper (pretty good) this past week, the latter in a marathon 90 minute session on the hallway floor outside the high school gym while S went through baseball tryouts.
• I’m about halfway through Zombieland and have a slew of movies set for spring break week.
• Work is sending me to Louisville for two days in a couple weeks. Bleh. On the positive front, however, I bought a cheap plane ticket to Seattle in mid-May. I can’t wait. I’ve only been to Seattle once, and that was brief, on the honeymoon. All I remember is rain, a supermarket, and approaching over the hills (this may be my memory coloring in details) from the dead zone that is eastern Washington. So I want to hike, maybe ride a ferry, and check out the forests. I do not want to climb the Space Needle or catch hurled fish. But I’m looking forward to the trip.
• My shoulder hurts like a motherfucker. S and I have played baseball some this week, and I’ve been lifting as usual, but I don’t know the exact cause. Oh, the psychologist told me to cut back on working out. That feels decadent, but I’ve cut back to five days a week and sometimes four days a week. My body needs a break.
• People at the U don’t seem sure how to treat me now that I've turned down the A.D. position. I’m separating, effectively, from work drama, but when work drama has been a huge part of your existence pulling back feels like slowly ripping an arm-length band aid from your skin. I have to own the idea that not everyone is going to consult with me on every project; why should they care, you know? I’ve made clear that I want less stress, and in turn, I shouldn’t expect to get involved in every conversation. Time will help.
• Cold here, the grey cold that would be so much better with pouring rain, but I don’t know that any is forecast.
• Ok, I’m going to microwave this muscle-heat pad thing and hit the humidified bedroom with To The Lighthouse. Have a great night. More this week.
These last few weeks have been among the most trying of my life. Let me explain as much as I can in public.
Both a psychologist and a psychiatrist indicate that, as far as my brain chemistry is concerned, I’m flatlining. Well, that’s my term. Let me illuminate the scenario a bit with a conflation of the questions they’ve asked:
1. Do you feel rested when you wake?
No.
2. When are you happy?
I don’t know that I’m happy more than in brief glimpses but usually I stay between 0 and 5 on a ten point scale. I’m calm when I read, but that’s not quite happy.
Ok, add the idea that I’m tired all the time and feeling totally burned out at work, and there you go. So I’m going to continue with my crack team of mental health professionals (they really are cool) and see what happens. I’m sleeping a little better and I’m a little happier. It’s all about changing behavioral patterns on a neurological level and, when push comes to shove, kick-starting my brain chemistry. Maybe I’ll go into more detail later, but this blog was never intended to be a whiny description of my descent into hell and ascent back, so I’ll go on to other topics. Bullet points!
• I finished both Let The Right One In (excellent) and Beat The Reaper (pretty good) this past week, the latter in a marathon 90 minute session on the hallway floor outside the high school gym while S went through baseball tryouts.
• I’m about halfway through Zombieland and have a slew of movies set for spring break week.
• Work is sending me to Louisville for two days in a couple weeks. Bleh. On the positive front, however, I bought a cheap plane ticket to Seattle in mid-May. I can’t wait. I’ve only been to Seattle once, and that was brief, on the honeymoon. All I remember is rain, a supermarket, and approaching over the hills (this may be my memory coloring in details) from the dead zone that is eastern Washington. So I want to hike, maybe ride a ferry, and check out the forests. I do not want to climb the Space Needle or catch hurled fish. But I’m looking forward to the trip.
• My shoulder hurts like a motherfucker. S and I have played baseball some this week, and I’ve been lifting as usual, but I don’t know the exact cause. Oh, the psychologist told me to cut back on working out. That feels decadent, but I’ve cut back to five days a week and sometimes four days a week. My body needs a break.
• People at the U don’t seem sure how to treat me now that I've turned down the A.D. position. I’m separating, effectively, from work drama, but when work drama has been a huge part of your existence pulling back feels like slowly ripping an arm-length band aid from your skin. I have to own the idea that not everyone is going to consult with me on every project; why should they care, you know? I’ve made clear that I want less stress, and in turn, I shouldn’t expect to get involved in every conversation. Time will help.
• Cold here, the grey cold that would be so much better with pouring rain, but I don’t know that any is forecast.
• Ok, I’m going to microwave this muscle-heat pad thing and hit the humidified bedroom with To The Lighthouse. Have a great night. More this week.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I’m in the coffee shop, 9:38AM. I should be working on the second theology midterm question but I brought the wrong text with me. Boogers. Oh well. I have a solid draft on the first question, and I’ll knock out the second question later today. The wind is blowing hard but the grimy pile of snow that last week sullied the cleaner’s small parking lot is gone. All the concrete looks in need of a serious pressure washing. Bring on the rain. The flower baskets (fake, I assume) hanging by the florist’s door are blowing hard in the wind, in danger of falling, and cars pass at a steady pace. Welcome to small town Wisconsin, Sunday morning.
So yesterday the dogs drove me fucking crazy. They calmed down later, thankfully, after the house cleared out. They’ll transition to spring, I’m sure, but I was happy to hide upstairs and read Let the Right One In while the neighborhood invaded the house/yard. T wanted to watch 2012 last night, but I was way too tired, and he’s old enough to watch on his own, anyway. M stayed up, though, as you can always count on her to get drawn into a film after two seconds and watch the entire movie. This morning I was up by six (new time), caught some news/sportscenter, and drove over here instead of hitting the Y. T likes to work out with me on Sundays lately so I’ll collect him pretty soon before elliptical/weights.
More later, I think. Caffeine is good. Dirty spring has arrived, that stretch when you still should wear a jacket but winter is over and everything in the Midwest looks old and worn-out. I like this time of year. Have a great day.
So yesterday the dogs drove me fucking crazy. They calmed down later, thankfully, after the house cleared out. They’ll transition to spring, I’m sure, but I was happy to hide upstairs and read Let the Right One In while the neighborhood invaded the house/yard. T wanted to watch 2012 last night, but I was way too tired, and he’s old enough to watch on his own, anyway. M stayed up, though, as you can always count on her to get drawn into a film after two seconds and watch the entire movie. This morning I was up by six (new time), caught some news/sportscenter, and drove over here instead of hitting the Y. T likes to work out with me on Sundays lately so I’ll collect him pretty soon before elliptical/weights.
More later, I think. Caffeine is good. Dirty spring has arrived, that stretch when you still should wear a jacket but winter is over and everything in the Midwest looks old and worn-out. I like this time of year. Have a great day.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Good day today, except for yelping dogs and neighbors who would like to drop their responsibilities off at our doorstep and pick them up Monday morning.
I haven’t written much lately, so rather than try to summarize everything in paragraph form, let’s go to the bullet points.
• I’m saddened by the death of Mark Linkous. Sparklehorse became one of my favorite bands not long after I discovered them, what, three or four years ago, and I have a Dreamt For Light Years in the Belly of a Mountain poster hanging in my foyer right now. I already miss the possibility of new music from him. Rest in peace, sir.
• Without going into detail too much I want to say that I turned down an opportunity for a promotion at work. Why, you ask? Well, primarily because I felt that taking the position would cause me to continue the workaholic patterns I’ve tried to break over the last six months. Turning this gig down is a symbol, first and foremost, but also practical. For example, this is the type of gig in which I might have to drop everything and run to a late afternoon emergency meeting. I’m not willing to be that person. Yesterday a colleague and I talked for a long time, and I’ve consulted with other friends as well, and I believe I made the right decision. Onward and upward. No regrets.
• Dan was in town yesterday. We met at Bayshore, got some complicated pizza, and hung out at new bookstore/co-op that could use more books. Always good to see him.
• I’m reading Let The Right One In, the book on which the vampire movie was based. Very good so far…enjoying the text quite a bit.
• I’m sleeping a little better. Also, this morning my heart rate shot up to 171 on the crossramp at the Y. My chest hurt. I knocked off 90 seconds early. Should I be worried?
• After I finish the theology midterm I’m taking the rest of the weekend easy.
• Almost all the snow is gone after a few days of rain.
That’s it for now…hope your weekend is going well. I’m in a pretty good place, definitely better than last weekend. Thanks for listening.
I haven’t written much lately, so rather than try to summarize everything in paragraph form, let’s go to the bullet points.
• I’m saddened by the death of Mark Linkous. Sparklehorse became one of my favorite bands not long after I discovered them, what, three or four years ago, and I have a Dreamt For Light Years in the Belly of a Mountain poster hanging in my foyer right now. I already miss the possibility of new music from him. Rest in peace, sir.
• Without going into detail too much I want to say that I turned down an opportunity for a promotion at work. Why, you ask? Well, primarily because I felt that taking the position would cause me to continue the workaholic patterns I’ve tried to break over the last six months. Turning this gig down is a symbol, first and foremost, but also practical. For example, this is the type of gig in which I might have to drop everything and run to a late afternoon emergency meeting. I’m not willing to be that person. Yesterday a colleague and I talked for a long time, and I’ve consulted with other friends as well, and I believe I made the right decision. Onward and upward. No regrets.
• Dan was in town yesterday. We met at Bayshore, got some complicated pizza, and hung out at new bookstore/co-op that could use more books. Always good to see him.
• I’m reading Let The Right One In, the book on which the vampire movie was based. Very good so far…enjoying the text quite a bit.
• I’m sleeping a little better. Also, this morning my heart rate shot up to 171 on the crossramp at the Y. My chest hurt. I knocked off 90 seconds early. Should I be worried?
• After I finish the theology midterm I’m taking the rest of the weekend easy.
• Almost all the snow is gone after a few days of rain.
That’s it for now…hope your weekend is going well. I’m in a pretty good place, definitely better than last weekend. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
So this is my first entry in March? What is today? March 5th? No, technically March 6th, because it’s 12:53. I have been up for twenty-two hours, and I could be up a while more.
And how are you, dear readers? I’m ok. Why am I up in the middle of the night? Transitions, I guess. I made a major decision today. I decided, after a tense meeting, to not pursue a promotion at work. I could have done well but I felt like I was getting set up for future conflicts that would be…well, I guess the best way to say it is “not worth my time”. And I also told the powers that be that I’m considering dropping the chair gig next year. I’ve been chair for six years. That’s a hell of a stretch. But I’m fucking tired. I can feel it in my teaching and just about everything I do. A colleague described me today, with empathy (not in that tense meeting) as projecting an “extremely fatigued energy”. I concur.
I also need to say that I went to the doctor about the insomnia/sleep issues. The doctor recommended a psychologist. The psychologist thinks I may have post-traumatic stress syndrome connected to growing up in a violent, intense household.
A lot of these symptoms fit me well:
http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000901/1035.html
So that’s it for now. Hoping to sleep soon. I’m on my way, I think, to getting healthier.
And how are you, dear readers? I’m ok. Why am I up in the middle of the night? Transitions, I guess. I made a major decision today. I decided, after a tense meeting, to not pursue a promotion at work. I could have done well but I felt like I was getting set up for future conflicts that would be…well, I guess the best way to say it is “not worth my time”. And I also told the powers that be that I’m considering dropping the chair gig next year. I’ve been chair for six years. That’s a hell of a stretch. But I’m fucking tired. I can feel it in my teaching and just about everything I do. A colleague described me today, with empathy (not in that tense meeting) as projecting an “extremely fatigued energy”. I concur.
I also need to say that I went to the doctor about the insomnia/sleep issues. The doctor recommended a psychologist. The psychologist thinks I may have post-traumatic stress syndrome connected to growing up in a violent, intense household.
A lot of these symptoms fit me well:
http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000901/1035.html
So that’s it for now. Hoping to sleep soon. I’m on my way, I think, to getting healthier.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
So today’s the last day of February. I like March, in theory, at least, especially when the rains beat against the window and leaving the house is an act of faith that the winds won’t carry you away and deposit you in a yard four blocks north. Today feels like February, no, a mix of February and November, really, all grey and gross with old snow and, yes, we could use either sun or rain, one or the other, but not this endless gunmetal sky. I wish I had a full spectrum light. An hour in the glow would benefit my very cells.
So what’s up today? And last night? Well, I tried to drink last night but mostly failed. 3 and a half stale beers (cleaning out the fridge) in less than an hour and my stomach was turning. The Wii room called, where I read travel essays and crashed early. This morning I woke by 3:30. You know, waking at 3:30 doesn’t feel weird to me anymore. Is that wrong? Still, the hours before dawn passed easily, no complaints, caught up on scrabble, answered email, graded papers. N was up early, watching Tom and Jerry. Oops, I addressed some of this a couple posts back. Consider this paragraph confirmation and expansion. At 7AM on Sundays I usually walk in the Y as the doors open, but I needed to wait until the afternoon to lift, so I showered and hit the coffee shop to finish grading papers. Those couple hours of space make all the day’s difference. Corey’s right. When M called, asking me to return so she and T could take Mack/Pete to the dog park, I was calm and ready for the day. N and I mixed a chocolate cake, poured the batter into the stadium mold, and set the mold in the oven. Pics below. Later I did thirty minutes on the stairmaster and full legs/upper body/abs except for one leg machine because old people take too fucking long at the YMCA. The boys had friends over through most of the afternoon so when I wasn’t mixing frosting or sifting powdered sugar (a near orgasmic experience) I was looking through the travel section for trip ideas (northwest rain forests?) and reading travel essays in the humidifier-supplied bedroom. My sinus thing is backing down.
So I’m praying a little more, too, in little moments, when I’m waiting for the microwave to count down, or losing focus when reading, moments like those. I’m calm today, and feeling calm is novel. Good day. More later.
So what’s up today? And last night? Well, I tried to drink last night but mostly failed. 3 and a half stale beers (cleaning out the fridge) in less than an hour and my stomach was turning. The Wii room called, where I read travel essays and crashed early. This morning I woke by 3:30. You know, waking at 3:30 doesn’t feel weird to me anymore. Is that wrong? Still, the hours before dawn passed easily, no complaints, caught up on scrabble, answered email, graded papers. N was up early, watching Tom and Jerry. Oops, I addressed some of this a couple posts back. Consider this paragraph confirmation and expansion. At 7AM on Sundays I usually walk in the Y as the doors open, but I needed to wait until the afternoon to lift, so I showered and hit the coffee shop to finish grading papers. Those couple hours of space make all the day’s difference. Corey’s right. When M called, asking me to return so she and T could take Mack/Pete to the dog park, I was calm and ready for the day. N and I mixed a chocolate cake, poured the batter into the stadium mold, and set the mold in the oven. Pics below. Later I did thirty minutes on the stairmaster and full legs/upper body/abs except for one leg machine because old people take too fucking long at the YMCA. The boys had friends over through most of the afternoon so when I wasn’t mixing frosting or sifting powdered sugar (a near orgasmic experience) I was looking through the travel section for trip ideas (northwest rain forests?) and reading travel essays in the humidifier-supplied bedroom. My sinus thing is backing down.
So I’m praying a little more, too, in little moments, when I’m waiting for the microwave to count down, or losing focus when reading, moments like those. I’m calm today, and feeling calm is novel. Good day. More later.
I'm in the coffee shop, 8:29AM. I've been here since a little before seven. All my papers are graded, even the resubmissions. Glad to get that off my plate, but now, my God, what do I do with my Sunday? I've finished my laundry. I could clean the office and put more music on the Zune. I could write James and Sean a letter and send it through the real mail. Oh, I'm due to burn some discs and send them careening across the country to various and sundry mailboxes. I have to work out and maybe watch the big hockey game. Make a stadium cake with N...that might happen. At least I was up way early so hopefully I'll fall asleep early. Oh, and I should finish cleaning the fish tank. So I guess all that will be a couple hours. I don't do well with free time. I'm breathing.
Ok, I need to use a visual concerning something on my mind last night. Imagine a hand with a very tight grip on my heart. That's all the stress/pressure I put on myself. When I let go, the muscles on the heart expand, and I feel pain. Do you know what I mean? It's like when someone's holding your arm tight, then lets go, it almost hurts more when they're not touching you? I know I'm making progress when I can let go of the pressure and I feel that pain (physical pain, to be clear) in my heart. It's like the stress leaving the muscles releases pain. And the easiest thing to do would be to tighten again because that's comfortable and habitual. But I won't. Promise.
This morning has been ok. N, S, and M were all up early, by 5:30, and Nat curled up on the couch to watch Tom and Jerry. I caught up on scrabble, ate breakfast, took a shower, and headed over here.
So I'm in the coffee shop now. Cloudy again. A group of about fifteen guys just left the hotel across the street, outside my window, they look like they're on some guys' weekend or something. One just took a picture of the harbor. The temps are a little warmer, at least, around thirty, and I'm not wearing a jacket, just my grey pullover. I'm listening to Sparklehorse ("Cow", one of my favorite songs by them, with the utterly nonsensical chorus of "Pretty Girl...Milking a Cow!" over and over again). Have a good day. More later.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Why hello, everyone. I’m at the Homestead High School gym watching T’s penultimate (penultimate means “last”, right?) basketball games of the season. His team lost the first something like 35-4. They stink. The second game starts in twenty minutes. Then we’re done and can drop The Hurt Locker off at Blockbuster and go home.
T just told me I have bad breath. Thanks, man! And some of these parents are WAY into the game currently taking place (it’s a tournament, so T’s waiting to play, in case you’re wondering about the multiple game references). Dude, relax. Stop yelling “traveling!” every five seconds at the refs.
The last few days have gone pretty well. Thursday was long but I slept Wednesday night and scheduled mostly lab work for my classes so all I had to do was look over my students’ shoulders to make sure they were on the right track. I’m tired, though. How many credits am I teaching this term? Let me count. Fourteen. That’s a hell of a lot, really, overload even without the chair responsibilities. I was only supposed to teach ten this term, but M.Z. couldn’t teach her afternoon ASL one. At least I’ll get a decent overload check over the summer.
More later. Game about to start.
T just told me I have bad breath. Thanks, man! And some of these parents are WAY into the game currently taking place (it’s a tournament, so T’s waiting to play, in case you’re wondering about the multiple game references). Dude, relax. Stop yelling “traveling!” every five seconds at the refs.
The last few days have gone pretty well. Thursday was long but I slept Wednesday night and scheduled mostly lab work for my classes so all I had to do was look over my students’ shoulders to make sure they were on the right track. I’m tired, though. How many credits am I teaching this term? Let me count. Fourteen. That’s a hell of a lot, really, overload even without the chair responsibilities. I was only supposed to teach ten this term, but M.Z. couldn’t teach her afternoon ASL one. At least I’ll get a decent overload check over the summer.
More later. Game about to start.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A rare weekday entry, killing time in the back office at work. No one knows I’m here. Ha!
So I’ve been awake since about 1:30AM, but I only need to get through one more class, starting in an hour, then I can go home. Well, I’m picking N and S up from school, but that’s ok. Maybe I’ll go to the gym tonight. I don’t know. Oh, I should lift, too. I guess I can put that off until tomorrow, but I’ll mess up Sunday a bit (don’t ask, it’s all about how many days are between sessions so muscle can recover). I’ll live.
So what did I do in the middle of the night? I graded papers, answered email, and watched tv both on the, uh, television and on the computer. I decided against working out early because, well, every muscle in my body hurt. I didn’t think I was going to get out the door. After a shower and some breakfast I got into automatic word mode and went through the motions at the office. What’s the phrase? Fake it until you make it? I fake it very well, ladies and gentlemen.
I don’t have much to do over the next hour. Get some caffeine, maybe. I’m worried about sleeping because I might not wake in time. I suppose I could ask Suzie to wake me. But that would be weird and she’d tell everyone up and down the hall I’m sleeping in the back office. I’ll pass.
Ok, maybe I’ll read a little. I’m listening to The Cure’s Greatest Hits. Today is rough. I’ll survive. Have a good day.
So I’ve been awake since about 1:30AM, but I only need to get through one more class, starting in an hour, then I can go home. Well, I’m picking N and S up from school, but that’s ok. Maybe I’ll go to the gym tonight. I don’t know. Oh, I should lift, too. I guess I can put that off until tomorrow, but I’ll mess up Sunday a bit (don’t ask, it’s all about how many days are between sessions so muscle can recover). I’ll live.
So what did I do in the middle of the night? I graded papers, answered email, and watched tv both on the, uh, television and on the computer. I decided against working out early because, well, every muscle in my body hurt. I didn’t think I was going to get out the door. After a shower and some breakfast I got into automatic word mode and went through the motions at the office. What’s the phrase? Fake it until you make it? I fake it very well, ladies and gentlemen.
I don’t have much to do over the next hour. Get some caffeine, maybe. I’m worried about sleeping because I might not wake in time. I suppose I could ask Suzie to wake me. But that would be weird and she’d tell everyone up and down the hall I’m sleeping in the back office. I’ll pass.
Ok, maybe I’ll read a little. I’m listening to The Cure’s Greatest Hits. Today is rough. I’ll survive. Have a good day.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
My oldest son is finishing his Science homework on the other end of the table. Two dogs are wrestling through our feet. M and the other boys are upstairs for reasons unknown. I’m ok. After 5PM. I’m thinking of watching the USA/Canada hockey game with the boys, but I’d be just as happy reading in the bedroom upstairs, where I’ve left the humidifier running all day. The space probably feels like a greenhouse by now. I love that air.
Last night I crashed early, by 9PM, after reading essays from that travel book. This morning I rose by 5, drank coffee, read the paper, and watched some of the news before getting gas for the car and walking into the gym as the doors opened at 6AM. Thirty minutes of the stairmaster and upper body weights/abs later I returned home, downed the yogurt/protein powder, and took a shower. By 10 I started laundry and downloaded a dozen or so old CDs onto the Zune. When was the last time I heard The Cure’s Greatest Hits? Not sure. I’ll listen tomorrow. After a quick quesadilla lunch I started in with the cakes. Man, I tell you, nothing calms me down lately like baking. I’ve said that before, I don’t care, I love the feeling of holding the mixer while the batter thickens. N helps, usually, with the spatula on the sides. See results below, by the way. I needed runnier frosting, apparently, which makes sense. I did not know runnier frosting existed. Must explore recipes. Maybe we should have just dusted it with powdered sugar. That would have worked, too. Hm. I learn a little more every week. That’s what baking is about, right? Ok, I also made simple pasta for dinner and read about Christianity in the middle ages. I can do my homework tomorrow. I’m glad I had a chance to read quietly, though, as the house seemed consistently loud again today. I’ve got to get out more. The coffee shop isn’t this loud, you know? M was out of the house most of the day, either shopping or with one of the kids at the coffee shop. I’m particularly sensitive to noise lately, for whatever reason, and Corey keeps saying he can handle the rush of his existence better when he builds time away from the currents. I agree. I should be smarter about these patterns by now.
So tomorrow should be easier since I hit the office yesterday. Tuesday should be easier still. What are we starting? The sixth week of the semester? I can live with that. Feb. 21st. One month until spring. Get some sleep. Snow is coming.
Last night I crashed early, by 9PM, after reading essays from that travel book. This morning I rose by 5, drank coffee, read the paper, and watched some of the news before getting gas for the car and walking into the gym as the doors opened at 6AM. Thirty minutes of the stairmaster and upper body weights/abs later I returned home, downed the yogurt/protein powder, and took a shower. By 10 I started laundry and downloaded a dozen or so old CDs onto the Zune. When was the last time I heard The Cure’s Greatest Hits? Not sure. I’ll listen tomorrow. After a quick quesadilla lunch I started in with the cakes. Man, I tell you, nothing calms me down lately like baking. I’ve said that before, I don’t care, I love the feeling of holding the mixer while the batter thickens. N helps, usually, with the spatula on the sides. See results below, by the way. I needed runnier frosting, apparently, which makes sense. I did not know runnier frosting existed. Must explore recipes. Maybe we should have just dusted it with powdered sugar. That would have worked, too. Hm. I learn a little more every week. That’s what baking is about, right? Ok, I also made simple pasta for dinner and read about Christianity in the middle ages. I can do my homework tomorrow. I’m glad I had a chance to read quietly, though, as the house seemed consistently loud again today. I’ve got to get out more. The coffee shop isn’t this loud, you know? M was out of the house most of the day, either shopping or with one of the kids at the coffee shop. I’m particularly sensitive to noise lately, for whatever reason, and Corey keeps saying he can handle the rush of his existence better when he builds time away from the currents. I agree. I should be smarter about these patterns by now.
So tomorrow should be easier since I hit the office yesterday. Tuesday should be easier still. What are we starting? The sixth week of the semester? I can live with that. Feb. 21st. One month until spring. Get some sleep. Snow is coming.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Once again at the dining room table. I’m listening to Explosions in the Sky. I wonder if Mau ever heard this band. He would have loved them.
T is off at Aaron’s, M is picking him up at six, while S and N are across the street playing with Jess and Abigail. They should be home soon, don’t you think? Dusk has fallen and, unless Dawn made them something, dinnertime has passed. The dogs are crashed on the couch/ottoman. Welcome to Saturday night. I can’t remember the last time I went, you know, outside on a Saturday night. I’m not bemoaning that fact. What’s the big deal about outside, esp. during February in Wisconsin? I guess I could drive to Borders or something, or even deeper into the city, and feel the time well spent. I remember driving around Chicago at night, just to drive, especially in the summer. But I’ve already driven up and down 43 today. So I think I’ll take a bath and crash early. Maybe I’ll drink a beer.
So what have I done since waking? I rose near 5:30, watched some Ace of Cakes with N, and caught on the idea of putting in a couple office hours. Now, I know, I know, I’m trying to avoid the workaholic thing, but I’m not in denial when I say the 180 calm, productive minutes I spent at work today were equal to an entire day during the week. I get more done when I can play Mogwai or Tift Merritt (both part of today’s soundtrack), clean my shelves, and answer email uninterrupted. By 11:30 I was ready to return home. After a shockingly unhealthy lunch of tater tots and fake chicken nuggets (I had an orange too, don’t yell at me) I got online to look at baking supplies. On a lark I looked up the cookie store in Cedarburg and discovered they sold baking supplies as well. I tossed N and S in the car (T was at a hoops tournament) and drove over for a look. We scored a cool castle mold I was going to buy online but found a couple miles from my house:
http://www.amazon.com/Nordic-Ware-Cast-Castles-Cakelette/dp/B000QYJQIW
S and N had fun checking out all the weird pans and decorations. We snagged a couple cool sprinkles varieties, too, and we’ll probably experiment with castle cakes tomorrow. Stay tuned. I like listening to the boys talk in the car. They debated the pros and cons of summer while N read the passing signs (“speed limit…Pizza Hut…Mint Chocolate Chip”). We stopped at a candy store where, inexplicably, both boys chose Now and Laters. Now and Laters are gross. The boys hustled upstairs to play Wii as soon as we got home but within a couple minutes Dawn called and invited the boys across the street. I watched the first 45 minutes of The Hurt Locker, ate eggs in pita bread, and here I am.
Ok, I want to write about something hard to articulate. I realized, after how happy I was getting so much done in the office, like a total weight off my shoulders, and how wonderful I felt searching out baking decorations with the boys, that, well, I don’t feel that happy very often. Maybe I need prescription drugs. But I spend a ton of time enduring my existence until I can get to a calm, quiet place, both emotionally and physically. I want to think on this more. Calmly. Quietly. Maybe in the bath. Have a rocking Saturday night. I’m trying not to grit my teeth. Why I would, now, is beyond me.
T is off at Aaron’s, M is picking him up at six, while S and N are across the street playing with Jess and Abigail. They should be home soon, don’t you think? Dusk has fallen and, unless Dawn made them something, dinnertime has passed. The dogs are crashed on the couch/ottoman. Welcome to Saturday night. I can’t remember the last time I went, you know, outside on a Saturday night. I’m not bemoaning that fact. What’s the big deal about outside, esp. during February in Wisconsin? I guess I could drive to Borders or something, or even deeper into the city, and feel the time well spent. I remember driving around Chicago at night, just to drive, especially in the summer. But I’ve already driven up and down 43 today. So I think I’ll take a bath and crash early. Maybe I’ll drink a beer.
So what have I done since waking? I rose near 5:30, watched some Ace of Cakes with N, and caught on the idea of putting in a couple office hours. Now, I know, I know, I’m trying to avoid the workaholic thing, but I’m not in denial when I say the 180 calm, productive minutes I spent at work today were equal to an entire day during the week. I get more done when I can play Mogwai or Tift Merritt (both part of today’s soundtrack), clean my shelves, and answer email uninterrupted. By 11:30 I was ready to return home. After a shockingly unhealthy lunch of tater tots and fake chicken nuggets (I had an orange too, don’t yell at me) I got online to look at baking supplies. On a lark I looked up the cookie store in Cedarburg and discovered they sold baking supplies as well. I tossed N and S in the car (T was at a hoops tournament) and drove over for a look. We scored a cool castle mold I was going to buy online but found a couple miles from my house:
http://www.amazon.com/Nordic-Ware-Cast-Castles-Cakelette/dp/B000QYJQIW
S and N had fun checking out all the weird pans and decorations. We snagged a couple cool sprinkles varieties, too, and we’ll probably experiment with castle cakes tomorrow. Stay tuned. I like listening to the boys talk in the car. They debated the pros and cons of summer while N read the passing signs (“speed limit…Pizza Hut…Mint Chocolate Chip”). We stopped at a candy store where, inexplicably, both boys chose Now and Laters. Now and Laters are gross. The boys hustled upstairs to play Wii as soon as we got home but within a couple minutes Dawn called and invited the boys across the street. I watched the first 45 minutes of The Hurt Locker, ate eggs in pita bread, and here I am.
Ok, I want to write about something hard to articulate. I realized, after how happy I was getting so much done in the office, like a total weight off my shoulders, and how wonderful I felt searching out baking decorations with the boys, that, well, I don’t feel that happy very often. Maybe I need prescription drugs. But I spend a ton of time enduring my existence until I can get to a calm, quiet place, both emotionally and physically. I want to think on this more. Calmly. Quietly. Maybe in the bath. Have a rocking Saturday night. I’m trying not to grit my teeth. Why I would, now, is beyond me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I’m working at the dining room table, downloading music onto the Zune, while the dogs chew rawhides, T plays facebook games, and the other two kids are upstairs doing…something. God knows what. Quiet up there.
Hold on, I’m taking off my socks. There. That’s better.
I’ve got the lights down low and Lucero’s playing. M should arrive home from an IEP meeting any minute. Allow me to set the scene.
So today was “long weekend” Friday. I have no idea from where “long weekend” emerged in university culture, but I’m sure as hell not complaining. I was off today. What did I do? Well, I woke a little before five, watched some Ace of Cakes with N, drooled over Robin Meade, and lifted weights. After the boys left for school, I hit the gym for thirty minutes on the stairmaster, leg weights, and crunches. 9:30AM arrived by the time I finished showering. I answered emails and caught up on scrabble. I planned to watch Zombieland but the library copy didn’t function. Instead I answered more email and played more scrabble. At 11:50 I met Jim at Dockside for lunch. The restaurant is a veritable school district hangout Friday about noon. We sat at a back table and gossiped quietly. The sun was out, bright, and I hardly needed a jacket. When he needed to return for his afternoon classes I drove over to Grafton. I’m still not used to working the Zune while driving and I felt like I was going to barf while setting up the Lucero. Why does the Zune fail to remember the volume settings? What am I missing? I bought prodigious bags of flour, sugar, and powdered sugar, along with yogurt, etc. before stopping at Pick and Save for food coloring. The weekend promises more cake experimentation. Stay tuned.
And the rest of the week? Ok, I guess. Every week I feel like I’m slowly digging out from underneath the pile and if I have another five days I’ll reach fresh air. Although I was careful about the workaholic habits, esp. today, I could probably benefit from a couple hours in the office this weekend to get my shit together before the start of the week. I’ve also stayed off the computer in the evenings, instead watching tv with N or hitting the bedroom (can I get some Ambien? Please?) early. The boys are fine. I told T to toughen up today. Yes, I used the phrase “toughen up”. He goes to the health room too much at school. I think he gets bored. No excuse.
Oh, I’m deserting that godawful Sookie Stackhouse book. What a steaming pile of horseshit. I’m bouncing back and forth between Faulkner and a collection of travel essays.
Early grey now. Good night.
Hold on, I’m taking off my socks. There. That’s better.
I’ve got the lights down low and Lucero’s playing. M should arrive home from an IEP meeting any minute. Allow me to set the scene.
So today was “long weekend” Friday. I have no idea from where “long weekend” emerged in university culture, but I’m sure as hell not complaining. I was off today. What did I do? Well, I woke a little before five, watched some Ace of Cakes with N, drooled over Robin Meade, and lifted weights. After the boys left for school, I hit the gym for thirty minutes on the stairmaster, leg weights, and crunches. 9:30AM arrived by the time I finished showering. I answered emails and caught up on scrabble. I planned to watch Zombieland but the library copy didn’t function. Instead I answered more email and played more scrabble. At 11:50 I met Jim at Dockside for lunch. The restaurant is a veritable school district hangout Friday about noon. We sat at a back table and gossiped quietly. The sun was out, bright, and I hardly needed a jacket. When he needed to return for his afternoon classes I drove over to Grafton. I’m still not used to working the Zune while driving and I felt like I was going to barf while setting up the Lucero. Why does the Zune fail to remember the volume settings? What am I missing? I bought prodigious bags of flour, sugar, and powdered sugar, along with yogurt, etc. before stopping at Pick and Save for food coloring. The weekend promises more cake experimentation. Stay tuned.
And the rest of the week? Ok, I guess. Every week I feel like I’m slowly digging out from underneath the pile and if I have another five days I’ll reach fresh air. Although I was careful about the workaholic habits, esp. today, I could probably benefit from a couple hours in the office this weekend to get my shit together before the start of the week. I’ve also stayed off the computer in the evenings, instead watching tv with N or hitting the bedroom (can I get some Ambien? Please?) early. The boys are fine. I told T to toughen up today. Yes, I used the phrase “toughen up”. He goes to the health room too much at school. I think he gets bored. No excuse.
Oh, I’m deserting that godawful Sookie Stackhouse book. What a steaming pile of horseshit. I’m bouncing back and forth between Faulkner and a collection of travel essays.
Early grey now. Good night.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I’m at the dining room table, Sunday night, 6:40PM. A candle burns (some…pumpkin kind, I think, it’s orange, anyway) to the laptop’s right and my class text sits to the left. I suppose I should do tomorrow night’s homework. Now, I’ve read all of a fifth of the chapter, but that never stopped me from completing grad school assignments before. I’m taking this class for fun, right? Sorry, Dr. D.! I doubt you’ll ever be able to tell I’m skimming the chapter.
So today was busy. I woke on the couch at 6:30 or so when the boys moved around upstairs enough to alarm the dogs. A cup of coffee later I was at the gym knocking out thirty minutes on the stairmaster before upper body weights and abs. After breakfast I started laundry, watched Anthony Bourdain’s Hudson Valley episode, and started cleaning. M and the boys left for The Lightning Thief after lunch. I fired up the new Zune (more on that in bullet points) and watched the excellent A Serious Man between download checks. The movie concerned a Jewish professor’s midlife issues, so outside from the Jewish part I was on familiar terrain, and Coen brothers rarely disappoint. Great film. The house was still quiet so I wrote a quick review of Fante’s 86’d and starting baking a chocolate cake. I forgot to put in baking powder (need to pay more attention to recipes that call for baking soda AND powder) but the end result turned out fine. After the cake I made Italian veggie rolls. Cooking was fun today, really, and staying busy was probably smarter than I intended.
And the rest of the week, you ask? Shall we go with bullet points? We shall.
• Tuesday afternoon through Saturday afternoon became my longest non-workout stretch, I believe, in 21 months. I suppose I was sick once or twice but I don’t think I missed an entire week. This stretch, however, emerged from exhaustion, both physical and the celebrity kind, in which I felt mentally drained and needed to sleep for about a week. So I canceled Wednesday’s class/meetings and made this week’s cake #1 (see below), setting the mixer on fire in the process, but still taking the day more or less easy. I need to change some professional behavior; I haven’t taken a complete day off in many years. This dissonance, I trust, will lead me on the right path. By Saturday afternoon I was back in the gym rhythm.
• Winter is starting to wear me down. No particular event has caused this reaction, but the sense that every single fucking day I walk into the cold, well, I assume you know what I mean. But we’re past the worst of winter. I’ll be ok. I feel the same way in September as far as summer is concerned.
• Oh, I bought a Zune. The first few days with a new device of this nature are always frustrating. How the fuck do you load music on, you know? After screwing around with the files and sync settings I’ve managed to add 150 albums.
• I’m reading the first Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood novel. Honestly, the book sucks, way sucks, but I’ll finish, the end is near. I think I’m starting Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying next. A GR review renewed my interest.
• What else? The kids are watching the Olympics. Oh, I skipped Mary’s party last night. I am one anti-social motherfucker. But the day had grown so busy…two kids had basketball games, one had swimming, add a birthday party and lunch with a friend and fuck it, get me home early.
• I feel like I’m forgetting something but I can’t remember now. If I’m responsible I should finish my homework, take a shower, and lay out tomorrow’s clothes. Maybe I’ll throw on the Goldberg Variations and turn out the lights. Have a good start of the week, ladies and gentlemen. More soon.
So today was busy. I woke on the couch at 6:30 or so when the boys moved around upstairs enough to alarm the dogs. A cup of coffee later I was at the gym knocking out thirty minutes on the stairmaster before upper body weights and abs. After breakfast I started laundry, watched Anthony Bourdain’s Hudson Valley episode, and started cleaning. M and the boys left for The Lightning Thief after lunch. I fired up the new Zune (more on that in bullet points) and watched the excellent A Serious Man between download checks. The movie concerned a Jewish professor’s midlife issues, so outside from the Jewish part I was on familiar terrain, and Coen brothers rarely disappoint. Great film. The house was still quiet so I wrote a quick review of Fante’s 86’d and starting baking a chocolate cake. I forgot to put in baking powder (need to pay more attention to recipes that call for baking soda AND powder) but the end result turned out fine. After the cake I made Italian veggie rolls. Cooking was fun today, really, and staying busy was probably smarter than I intended.
And the rest of the week, you ask? Shall we go with bullet points? We shall.
• Tuesday afternoon through Saturday afternoon became my longest non-workout stretch, I believe, in 21 months. I suppose I was sick once or twice but I don’t think I missed an entire week. This stretch, however, emerged from exhaustion, both physical and the celebrity kind, in which I felt mentally drained and needed to sleep for about a week. So I canceled Wednesday’s class/meetings and made this week’s cake #1 (see below), setting the mixer on fire in the process, but still taking the day more or less easy. I need to change some professional behavior; I haven’t taken a complete day off in many years. This dissonance, I trust, will lead me on the right path. By Saturday afternoon I was back in the gym rhythm.
• Winter is starting to wear me down. No particular event has caused this reaction, but the sense that every single fucking day I walk into the cold, well, I assume you know what I mean. But we’re past the worst of winter. I’ll be ok. I feel the same way in September as far as summer is concerned.
• Oh, I bought a Zune. The first few days with a new device of this nature are always frustrating. How the fuck do you load music on, you know? After screwing around with the files and sync settings I’ve managed to add 150 albums.
• I’m reading the first Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood novel. Honestly, the book sucks, way sucks, but I’ll finish, the end is near. I think I’m starting Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying next. A GR review renewed my interest.
• What else? The kids are watching the Olympics. Oh, I skipped Mary’s party last night. I am one anti-social motherfucker. But the day had grown so busy…two kids had basketball games, one had swimming, add a birthday party and lunch with a friend and fuck it, get me home early.
• I feel like I’m forgetting something but I can’t remember now. If I’m responsible I should finish my homework, take a shower, and lay out tomorrow’s clothes. Maybe I’ll throw on the Goldberg Variations and turn out the lights. Have a good start of the week, ladies and gentlemen. More soon.
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