I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been writing a lot lately. Allow me to explain. I finished my EdD doctoral degree this past week. Or, I should say, I successfully defended my dissertation. I need to add minor changes, about twenty minutes’ worth of writing, get APA approval, and fill out all the forms or whatever which constitute the last hurdle to the degree. In late May and early June I wrote, wrote, and wrote, in the coffee shop or at the dining room table, in an almost aggressive manner. I mean that as soon as my advisor handed me feedback I sat down and knocked out another draft. In turn, I neglected the journal. However, I’m ready to return. I need to return. So here we go.
At the moment I’m in my mother-in-law’s living room in western NY, close to 2AM, and I can’t sleep. We decided on an impromptu visit at 9AM Sunday morning and were on the road for the ten hour drive by 1PM Sunday. I almost had a heart attack in Chicago traffic (if you’re going to send me on a detour, mark it on the goddamn sign BEFORE I take that route), and I got a ticket east of Cleveland, but otherwise the trip was uneventful. The kids were great in the car. This trip is a combination anniversary “thank you for putting up with me on my dissertation” present for M. Although the neighborhood is pretty empty, unlike later in the summer, and the kids are getting somewhat bored, I’m glad we made the trip. Yesterday we saw “Shrek the Third” and today we’re driving up to Niagara Falls. I’m paranoid about my kids falling off the falls. I am not a healthy man.
Ok, ten bullet point post…the last few weeks have passed in a blur…

I finished Murakami’s “Dance, Dance, Dance”. Brilliant book. I started his collection of interviews related to the Tokyo gas attacks, but I decided that after 1,000 Murakami pages in a row I needed new voices in my head. I’m reading a strong translation of “Rama the Steadfast” now. I love the first line:

“Rama was sure he was pursuing the right course; he was setting out for the wilderness.”

Ok, my computer is almost out of power, so I have to stop and post before it shuts down. I’ll catch up on the other nine bullets later.

I haven’t written much lately, I apologize…I don’t mean to slack. The weather has been brilliant, even summery, and I’ve been busy with both the dissertation and the end of the semester. I suppose, rather than trying to narrate the last week in linear fashion that a ten bullet post of the highlights would be in order.

1) I’ve been working in the garden a lot lately. Over the weekend I added organic matter to the area I cleared of grass last year. This weekend we’ll plant sunflower seeds and hope a sunflower garden sprouts. I also added groundcover near the garage. Yesterday I cut down the dying honeysuckle vine and replaced it with clematis. I also added bellflowers near the front of the house. I love working in the dirt, but I need to make sure I don’t blow hundreds on the yard, I suppose. On Friday we put in the vegetables, etc. I can’t wait.
2) Yesterday I attended, as part of the end of the year professional development crap at work, a pretty cool workshop on stress management. The guy was so mellow and effective, however, that I don’t think anyone wanted to ask questions. I felt badly for him. Ha. Anyway, I’m going to try a few of the strategies out when I can. Meditation has been powerful lately.
3) This weekend I saw both “Little Children” and “The Science of Sleep”. I thought both were good, although the former was the superior film, and not because Kate Winslet walks around without her clothes. I watched both on fast forward, really, except for the interesting parts. I have “Pan’s Labyrinth” and “Volver” coming from Netflix. I’ve seen both before, but I’d like to see both again, and I thought James and Melissa, visiting from Chicago, might want to see them if they haven’t already.
4) T, S, and N are all immersed in soccer and baseball. Tonight we have pictures, then T’s first game. I tend to sit on the side, reading and listening to my mp3 player, during the games and practices. I don’t mind.
5) I finished Murakami’s “After Dark” over the weekend. Great book, although I don’t feel like I entirely understood all the nuances of the tv screen and the like. I think the book tries to address the distance between people, among other things, and I can’t help but feel like the story was intensely personal to the author. I’m nearing the end of “Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”, too. Brilliant.
6) Today I’m working on my dissertation defense. I’m supposed to work through approximately sixty slides in thirty-five minutes. How the hell do you do that?
7) Graduation was boring and stupid. Someday I’m going to have a job where I can’t walk out of meetings and gatherings that don’t interest me. God help me then.
8) I’ve been listening to Fiest a lot lately.
9) I’m looking forward to Memorial Day weekend. I’m going to turn off the computer, email-wise, Thursday evening, and I’m not responding to anything (except from my friends, of course) until Tuesday morning. I need a break.
10) Tristan has discovered some dirt bike trails in the woods behind the house. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him glow as much as when he’s riding on the trails. He looks happy, and that makes me happy.

I’m restless, a little after nine, and if I hadn’t eaten a while back I’d go for a run. I also mean to play basketball in the morning, so I suppose a run wouldn’t be a great idea with that in mind, either, but I’m still restless. Maybe I’ll watch a movie.
The last few days have been ok, I guess. Yesterday the weather was beautiful if almost too hot. I spent the morning mulching and weeding along the side of the house, then over near the fence where the grass bushes are, then in the back where the ants ate the hostas last year. The earth felt clean in my hands. After a shower I drove into work for an afternoon of answering emails and working through student concerns. I didn’t arrive home until after six. The boys and I hung out for a while. They had a hard time falling asleep, since the air was so warm, so I hung out in their room and chatted until they crashed. I was in the mood for a beer, so I sat on the back porch, watching the wind move through the trees and checking out the stars. One beer led to another, and six beers total later, I was very drunk. I stumbled to the couch, sleeping downstairs because I wanted to leave the windows open for the fresh air. At about five I crawled upstairs and slept until close to eight. The hangover wasn’t horrible, so after a shower I returned to mulching until the rain started. We received a much-needed solid rain.
Today was a bit of a weird day at work, providing me an opportunity to practice not caring about work. More later. I’m really too wired to write much right now.

I’m on the office floor, near 10:30PM, right ear ringing. Yes, you read that correctly, my right ear is ringing. Maybe I have that Pete Townsend condition. I don’t know. About a month ago I tried to clean the wax from my ear and failed miserably. Now I don’t feel as if wax is keeping me from hearing, but I do feel like I can’t hear from my right ear. I find myself saying “what?” over and over again. I don’t want to go to the doctor, however, because I’ve been at the doctor way too much lately, and I feel like a spaz returning to his office so often. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.
Today was a decent day. I drove into work pretty early this morning (traffic on 43 again). I don’t trust many of my colleagues right now. I honestly feel like most of them are in this profession to create as safe and comfortable life for themselves as possible, and even the slightest change to their comfy lives is a threat. A colleague and I talked for a long time this morning. He and I agreed that the personal cost of leadership can outweigh the benefits of doing a good job. For example, I know that shared leadership is good leadership. I also know that shared leadership is not as effective when you don’t trust the people around you. And I don’t trust the people around me. I want to make a real difference with the undergrads next year.
Really, though, right now, I’d really like to think about work less. I don’t know how to do that. I guess I have to practice. Oh, I’ve ran about three miles, maybe a little less, both last night and tonight after the kids fell asleep. Now, I normally wouldn’t think of running at night. I’m more of a morning person. However, I was wired last night, and I didn’t want to sit around all wired, I wanted to clear my head, so on an impulse I threw on my mp3 player and hit the streets. I’m glad I made the decision to run. Last night the fog was rolling in off the lake, I could barely see ahead of me, and I felt like I was in a forest heading into the unknown. I liked the feeling. Good night.

I’m slipping a little, journalwise, but I’m not too badly out of sync. At the moment I’m on my second Corona, and slightly drunk, but I’m not feeling too badly. Today was long but not horrible. What a resounding vote of confidence, eh? N climbed on my head just after midnight, and as soon as I woke, I knew I was up. I thought about taking some melatonin, but I read somewhere that a side effect for some people on melatonin is depression, and I was feeling some of that, thank you very much, so instead I stayed up until about three answering emails and grading lesson plans. I suppose I fell asleep a bit closer to four then slept until seven. I hung out with the boys until they went to the school then, since I had been up all night grading, had a leisurely morning answering a few more emails and taking some phone calls. I also meditated on the front porch. I didn’t meditate for very long, just a few minutes, but I found myself considering a “peace beyond peace” concept that intrigues me. In the past I have considered peace to be the cessation of movement in a scenario where movement could only be paused, like a thumb in a dyke would pause water, but movement would return, relentlessly, probably sooner than later. Today, as I meditated, I considered a peace that’s beyond movement or the lack of movement. I need to develop the idea more, but it has promise. Of course, I was seriously pissed off at work later (thank God I have a cool dean or I would have been fired years ago), so apparently I can’t get to that peace as easily as I would like. Still, I managed to knock out a shitload of paperwork throughout the afternoon and put in about ten hours, all told, counting the middle of the night, I bet. Tomorrow I’m working on my dissertation, at least through the morning, and I should be caught up with just about everything by Friday afternoon.

After I arrived home, about five-thirty, we ate dinner (quesadillas) and played baseball in the back field. T’s hitting is coming along well. Some of the neighbor kids were out on the corner lawn, so we hung out for a while before I snuck inside. T was getting a bit bored, as the oldest, despite his attempts to babysit some of the youngest kids. He asked to go to the library, and I had to pick up ELO’s Greatest Hits from the reserve desk, so we drove downtown for a few minutes. After a brief cut through town we returned home. I answered emails (including one from my dean) and read the atlas with S. I focused on using the index today. Pretty high level skills for a kindergartener, I think, but he can handle it. He’s a smart kid. After that I snuck downstairs, opened a beer, and caught the last two innings of another mighty Brewers win. More tomorrow. Good night.

I feel like I haven’t written in the journal for a long time, although apparently only a few days have passed. Today was a good day. I woke early, by 5:30AM, after a decent night’s sleep, then played basketball and lifted weights. After that I hung out with the boys for a while before they left for school. I dug the lawn mower out of the garage and cut the grass for the first time this year. The yard isn’t anywhere close to presentable, but well, I guess we’re on our way. I had to fuck around with the edger for a while before I got the device running, but eventually that sucker worked as well. Oh, I also drove to Home Depot and bought new solar lights. I installed four along the side of the house and two near the front. They look great, a bright white glow as opposed to the previous lights’ (all of which are broken) yellow. I had planned on working on my dissertation’s last chapter, but my advisor didn’t reply to a couple of my questions until mid-afternoon, and what the hell, I’m mainly in the revision stage, so fuck it, I blew off the work for the day. A colleague and I conducted a conference call in the early afternoon before I graded some lesson plans. After the boys arrived home I ate dinner (pizza, but I didn’t scarf as much as usual) while they played with some friends out back. Since nothing much was happening I drove my bike over to the bike shop for a tune-up. Later M and I watched “Scrubs” and earlier we watched “The Office”. Oh, N and I read books together while I let the older boys stay up to watch some high school musical special concert on Disney. N and I had fun. His learning is coming along well, too. Tonight he read off the letters in “not” and asked what they spelled. Nice work. I was pissed off, after the other boys were asleep, because I can’t find my copy of “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”. Where the fuck is it? I’ve been losing things a lot lately. I’m not sure why.
James sent an email earlier in the week with a message, simply put, that “Your friends at work are not your friends”. I find this concept intriguing and promising. I’ve been working (pun intended) hard to separate myself from work while I’m at home. I’m not checking email as often. A colleague of mine also worked through a graphic through which I can decide, consciously, to make other’s opinions less important. I’m practicing. It’s working. Now, I have one, maybe two good friends at work, but other than that, no, those people aren’t important. I also understand that I have what a friend and I call the “sweet deal” at my job, e.g. I can take Fridays off with impunity, but none of that matters if I’m not happy or I’m over-invested. I worry about quitting, though, because the education field is so tight. I’d hate to move my children, since they’re doing so well in their schools at the moment, and my wife seems happy here. If I can reframe work as less important then I won’t need to worry about that as much. See what I mean? I’m not interested in looking back at my life in thirty years and thinking I worked a lot.
Ok, this should be a good weekend. More later. Good night.

I’m up early, very early, for the second day in a row. Well, actually, no, let me take that back, I was up late last night, as opposed to up early this morning. I’m not sure why I woke just before two and couldn’t get back to sleep. I needed the rest. Last night a significant storm rolled in at about eight. T crashed next to me, claiming he didn’t like thunder and lightning, although this was the first I heard of that potential fear. I didn’t mind. We chatted for a while before falling asleep. I woke for no apparent reason, a few hours later, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I considered going into work very early, but I opted against that plan, hoping I would fall asleep again by three or four. No dice. Another huge storm is due, well, right this minute, actually, according to the weather report. I can see lightning from the west as I write. Maybe I’ll stand on the front porch and watch a bit.
Ok, five bullet post:

1. I want to buy a sleeping bag. I realize a sleeping bag is a somewhat frivolous purchase, as I have not camped since I dropped acid at a Grateful Dead concert in I’m going to say 1988 or so. I could use the sleeping bag on the front porch, though, in the summer. They’re not that expensive. We’ll see.


2. I’m still cruising along with Murakami’s “Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”. This might be one of the most important books I’ve ever read. I worked through a remarkable passage last night that equated the main character’s sitting in the well with going deeper inside his soul. Brilliant.

3. I’ve jogged the last three days, just through the alleys and sidewalks in the immediate neighborhood. I don’t go fast or particularly far, and I’m only out for about thirty minutes, but the exercise has been beneficial. I run a bit and jog a bit, run a bit and jog a bit, rotating the downhill route east and the uphill route west. I thought about jogging this morning, but I’m taking the day off due to rain and exhaustion.

4. I’ve been listening to Camera Obscura, Sparklehorse, and Magnetic Fields. I also downloaded some Cardigans last night.

5. Huge thunder…better turn off the computer. More later.

Up late, kitchen table, listening to Magnetic Fields (programmed and burned a greatest hits mix), drinking a beer, wondering when and if I’ll fall asleep. Long story short…we found out Wednesday M had a miscarriage. Now, I don’t think I mentioned here that M was pregnant, so let me back up some. We thought we’d have one more kid, although, honestly, initially I was kind of freaked out by the idea. However, I really grew to like the prospect of another child. We thought we were past the miscarriage danger point, so all the neighborhood knew, our friends at work knew, and most importantly, the boys knew. M and I, along with N, went to the doctor’s office on Wednesday to hear the heartbeat. The doctor couldn’t hear anything when she was running the Star Trek speaker over M’s womb. She also said M’s ab muscles weren’t as tight as they should be were she pregnant. We both were stunned. We’ve never had a miscarriage before, so I guess we assumed everything would be fine. The clinic’s ultrasound machine was broken, so we had to drive to another clinic for an ultrasound. The woman showed us the ultrasound and told us the baby stopped growing at eight weeks. We looked at the ultrasound and say the tiny form and all the black space around the baby. N played on the chair. Still stunned we drove home. M was her usual strong self, too strong, really. We decided to tell the boys after school. T, as expected, cried a lot. N, even at four, seemed to understand. He cried and said, “I want a human baby.” S was interesting. He listened, looked sad, then went back upstairs to play video games. Yesterday he said, “I didn’t want the baby anyway, I didn’t even want N, T and I were fine without him.” There you go. Today M went through the D and C (not sure for what that stands), the post-miscarriage operation. She was wavering as to whether or not she wanted the operation, but I’m glad she went through the procedure. She cried in the waiting room, the first time I’ve really seen her emotional over the last few days, and I’m glad she found some release. I stayed in the waiting room during the operation and read Newsweek and listened to Sparklehorse on my Mp3 player. Later I picked the kids up from school, got a pizza, and played a lot of computer pinball. I also worked yesterday. The action research students were presenting, and I pretty much run that show, so I went. I found myself very angry, or even angrier than usual, with people at work. My dean, one of the coolest people I know, has a lot of patience with me, and she let me talk through it. I’m not sure where I’ll end up with this. However, I did lose it on a colleague on the phone today, and I almost never lose it on anyone. She was kind of freaked, and she didn’t deserve the treatment, but she’s very kind, and I hope she forgives me.
I get emotional about the miscarriage at weird times. I’ll be sitting on the chair in the home office and visualize holding a baby, and I’ll come close to losing control. I haven’t cried much either, actually. I could probably use some release as well. I got very drunk Wednesday night. Does that count? Tonight after the kids went to sleep I made a Magnetic Fields greatest hits mix and started answering email. I should probably get to sleep soon. I don’t want to decimate my relationships, both professional and personal, but something isn’t working now. Good night.

Rough night. I’m feeling pretty despondent right now. I should go read and get to sleep. I’m so sick of work. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if something is pathologically wrong with me or if I’m being called to something else. Prophets hear voices, but so do insane people. I have three, almost four kids to take care of, too. I don’t have much margin for error. I want to look back on my life with dignity. I hope the answer is within reach, either in the heavens or in my heart.

I’m up early, just after three, for the first time in a while. I can’t say that I’m exhausted, or that I’m surprised, as I had a hard time falling asleep last night and had slept well, probably too well, the night before. This weekend was more or less fine. On Friday I worked at home until the early afternoon before driving into work for an Italy meeting. The gathering was incredibly painful. First, I couldn’t hear, still, and second, my stomach was somersaulting, and I had no idea if anyone could hear it, etc., and I became quite tense and self-conscious. Plus, well, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t travel well, and I don’t do well with a ton of people in social scenarios, and what the hell is this trip but ten days around people I don’t know very well? Why on earth did I sign up? I’m hoping I can find one or two allies and leech on them for the duration of the trip. I’m reminded of my semester at Illinois State where, in retrospect, I latched onto a Math major named Brian out of pure loneliness and depression. He let me sit with him at lunch, introduced me to his friends, and actually took me to a party. Thanks for your patience, wherever you are, Brian. You were good to me.
After cutting out of the meeting, tearing the hell out of the door, really, I stopped at UCN to see M and the kids. They were attending an earth day celebration consisting mostly of babysitting, from what I can tell, of the younger kids while their parents watched the Al Gore movie upstairs. When I arrived T was on his own, making thank you cards for teachers, so he and I hung out while S and N painted bowls or something. I’m glad I stopped by the event. I hadn’t been at UCN for a long time, and at least they didn’t run me out of the door. After I reached home I inhaled some pizza and tried to figure out who was standing on the corner of our block. A slew of neighbors were out, socializing, and I’m sure I could have hung out, but I wasn’t in the mood. I helped the boys get to sleep, once they reached home, while M went over to the neighbors’.
We hit the zoo Saturday morning. The weather was gorgeous, the first warm, bright Saturday, so the space grew crowded early. Still, we had fun. We did the circuit backwards, starting with the big cats and working through to the birds. This crazy zoo worker yelled at the kids for getting too close to some of the plants in the bird house. I was ready to retaliate, but you know, that sort of thing isn’t worth it. We took Lake Shore Drive home, so N could nap, and I was exhausted by the time we hit the front door. T whacked me in the ass, and I had to lean on him in front of a neighbor. I could feel my ire rise. I eventually decompressed and napped badly on the couch. Later I read Murakami and fell asleep early.
Yesterday my mom visited. She was less offensive than usual, anyway, and I put together the mini-greenhouse where T and I can grow herbs for the summer. He and I also drove to the hardware store for sage and catnip seeds. Nothing too complicated, thank you very much. I suppose I could have worked in the yard, but I decided against it. Spring is still young. Later I met the boys over on the bike path where they were engaged in pulling garlic mustard as part of an earth day activity. I didn’t hang around long. I was feeling physically out of sorts, discombobulated, so I decided to go for a run upon my return. The run was a disaster. I couldn’t get fifty yards without stopping. I ran directly into the wind, though, a strong southern wind, which I’m sure didn’t help, and afternoon isn’t a good time for me to run, anyway. I’ll try again this morning. Later Alec, one of the neighbors, and the boys cruised youtube for skateboarding videos while I watched television and occasionally checked on them to make sure they weren’t downloading anything obscene.
Ok, I’ve been somewhat obsessively reading Murakami’s “Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”. You know how I’ve said that the right books will find you at the right time? Well, I’m not sure if I’m totally full of shit when I say that, but it’s fun to say, and I can assert that this book has found me at the right time of my life. I’ll hit stretches while reading where I find myself marking every other page as brilliant. The entire idea of sitting at the bottom of a well so you can think is stunning. I understand the sentiment. I also connect well to the idea of realities connected to realities connected to dreams and the path to one’s true self. I’m loving this book, and I’m only halfway finished.
I say this book found me at the right time because of identity issues that I’m addressing, no, living, at the moment. These are not dire straits, if you will, but I believe the transformation will be important. I am starting to separate, socially and personally, from work. I don’t trust many people with whom I work, I’m getting to the point where I just want to make my money and get out, and I think I’m making a healthy decision. The mire will not pull me down. I am almost violently dedicated to completing my dissertation; I just want the project finished so I can go onto other, more important projects such as reading Homer and working in my garden. Some of my colleagues may be confused and/or offended by this pattern, but I don’t care that much. I always worry about money, of course, but I’m hoping that my mutual funds hold up and my two masters and a doctorate mean I can get a job somewhere, you know what I mean? I am so tired after the last few years, and I’m looking forward to rebirth. For some reason fear always emerges, fear of not being able to take care of my family, fear of retirement (twenty plus years away!), fear of my kids getting hurt. I’m not sure why, physically and mentally, I work on that level of stress. I think my body has grown accustomed to the pattern and perhaps creates stress on its own. I also think that, when I’m content, I want to hold onto it so tightly that I grow terrified of the state disappearing. I don’t know. I’m getting better, though. Meditation helps. Reading helps. I find myself looking forward to two weeks at Chautauqua, a real vacation, in August. I find myself working at home more often. I’ve done my time (maybe I’m just trying to convince myself). I find myself more healthy, mentally, habitually, although I still need to lose about thirty pounds (at least). More later. I hope I’m on the cusp of something good, although I doubt many people on the outside would understand I’m going through one of the most important transformative periods of my life.

I have time for a rare mid-day entry. This morning I decided to stay away from the office and knock out a few work-related projects on the front porch. I put my feet up, answered emails, took a couple phone calls from students and faculty, and organized a couple of conference proposals. I also worked my ass off Monday through Wednesday, in the office, so tomorrow will be pretty laid back. I have an Italy thing at 5PM, but nothing pressing in the morning, so I may not leave home until after lunch. My job is weird, and I sometimes feel guilty about the position’s inherent flexibility. I’m sure I could adjust to normal hours again, but I like times like these, when I’m sitting at the table, mid-day, so I hope whatever I’d exchange for returning to a more structured lifestyle would be worthwhile.
Anyway, the last three days have been decent. I worked all day Monday then drove to the airport to pick up M and the boys. Their plane was late, so I hung around the airport, read Murakami, and tried to get close enough to the television to hear what the hell was going on in Virginia. The boys were exhausted by the time we reached home, the house was spotless, and we had a decent night. The boys’ hair was hilarious…strawlike and all over the place after Florida weather. Rain began early Tuesday morning and fell two days straight. The floor at work seemed more or less deserted, so I closed my door, played music (Sparklehorse, Air, new Wilco) , and caught up on a ton of paperwork. The next month doesn’t look too bad, especially if my dissertation feedback is positive. Oh, I take that back. Next week will be busy. After next week my existence should slow down some. Still, all the work I finished this week should make next week at least tolerable. Do normal people work as hard as I do in the office? Are they more efficient? Less efficient? I fear they’re more efficient. I don’t know.
Today was a bit weird in that, after lunch, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I suppose I could revise my dissertation in some way, look through tenses, structure, whatever, but I’m really just waiting on feedback before I proceed. I have two projects, one medium, one easy, to finish at work, but I’d need to be in the office to finish them both. I have about an hour of unscheduled time in front of me. What should I do? I think I’ll hit the coffee shop and read Murakami. More later.

Well, I haven’t written in the journal for the past five days, but I have been writing. I completed my first complete dissertation draft yesterday. Now, as far as dissertations go, I’ve seen shorter and I’ve seen longer. My draft runs about 170 pages. I’m happy with the work, but I’m especially happy to put down the work. I didn’t work much on the paper Wednesday after dropping off M and the kids off at the airport. As I was leaving the airport the first flakes of a freak snowstorm started falling. I stopped at Trader Joe’s on the way home, picking up tofu and some interesting Indian veggie burgers, then locked myself in the house and watched the storm. I was pretty depressed; the combination of isolation and a complete lack of sunlight left me useless. I managed a walk to the library into a bitter wind to pick up a couple books and started “Children of Men”. I finished the movie Thursday morning before starting on the dissertation. Most of my Thursday and Friday work revolved around revision and modification. I had to fix this, change that, etc. Now, you’d think that would be pretty easy, but I can free flow write much easier than I can revise. Revision, especially the type of revision when you’re modifying tenses and changing the form of numbers to match APA guidelines, is a motherfucker. By Friday night I was pretty angry and frustrated. I knocked off after dinner, had a couple beers, watched “The Curse of the Golden Flower” (Gong Li was fabulous), and fell asleep with a head stuffed with overwork. I woke Saturday morning on a mission. My revisions were more or less complete, so I free-wrote over twenty pages of chapter five at the kitchen table in about seven hours. I’d work a CD worth of time (mostly Tom Waits), get up, walk around, take a shower, whatever, then get back to work. I wanted that bitch finished so I didn’t have to worry about it today. Once I finished the draft I drove to work, printed it out, stuck a copy in my advisor’s mailbox, and just about collapsed. Last night I got drunk (six beers, drunk for me) and watched “For Your Consideration” and “Sin City”. Both were good, although I’m not finished with “Sin City” yet. I hadn’t seen the film in a few years…I had forgotten its strengths. The neighbors called and asked if I wanted to hang out, but I blew them off. I’m not good with people after a couple days of isolation. I almost have to relearn conversation.

Ok, five bullet points:

Shadow and I walked through the woods both today and Friday. The walks were gorgeous…all of Tuesday’s snow has disappeared, the sun has been out, and I feel more alive. Shadow struggles with the longer walks now, I can tell. We can do about ¾ of our old four mile walks without too much damage, though.

Today was the last day of the Bacon show at MAM. I only saw the show once, but I might actually get another chance to check it out in Buffalo in August. Apparently the show will be at the Knox when we’re visiting M’s mom.


I’ve been reading both Murakami’s “The Wind Up Bird Chronicles” and Nietsche’s“Thus Spake Zarathustra”. I had picked up a shitty translation of the latter at the library Saturday, absolutely unreadable, so, as a post-draft reward, I bought the Oxford Classics translation on Saturday. Of course, my brain was too fried to read the book. Last night I read some of the Murakami, though. I almost wished I had saved the book for Italy, though. Murakami provides good plane reading.

Speaking of Italy, I finally turned in all of my passport application materials. Apparently they need ten weeks of processing time. No hurry. I don’t leave until October.

The sun still isn’t down. Tonight almost feels like a summer night. More later.

Man, I’m tired…I’m just waiting for the day to end so I can go to sleep. Last night I returned from Kenosha teaching at 9:30PM or so (decent class) and discovered I couldn’t fall asleep. I stayed up until close to two, reading and watching television. Unfortunately I had meetings scheduled for 9, 9:30, and 11, so I actually had to get off my ass and drive to work pretty early. Five hours of sleep? No problem. I sleepwalked through my first two meetings, actually paid attention during the third (dissertation defense date, June 15th, thank you very much), then drove home. I’ve spent most of the afternoon on the couch watching Ned’s Declassified or whatever show on VH1 allows vacuous magazine employees airtime to discuss Matt Damon’s ab muscles. M and the boys leave in the morning. I have a lot of writing time scheduled into the mix. More later.

Easter is my favorite holiday in theory, even though Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in practice. Easter and New Year’s Eve reminded me of each other, actually. Both hold the promise of rebirth. Hm. I never thought about that connection before. Anyway, although I’m sick, I can’t complain about Easter. Last night M got all of the Easter supplies ready and distributed throughout the house. I helped by filling eggs with M and Ms while watching a Van Wilder movie about a guy from India who moves to England and more or less replays “Revenge of the Nerds”. I fell asleep by eleven and woke by six-thirty. M, T, and S were all up, waiting for N and myself to wake. The boys had fun, finding all the candy and the like. M came up with the idea of announcing the upcoming baby to the boys by adding an extra basket. The boys seem into the idea of a brother/sister.
I feel totally drained, exhausted, but the rest of the day has been fine. I drove down to work, watered plants, and cleaned my office. I’m saving the bulk of the email and grading for the morning. Still, I always like the feel of the office when no one else is around. I played Vic Chesnutt and Kraftwerk really loudly. M and the boys were at church while I worked, but they were home by the time I arrived back at the house. The boys had a friend over for a while. I played on the computer, read the paper, and now I’m writing while M sleeps and the boys play video games. Not a bad Easter. More later.

I noticed yesterday that I rarely feel really great about anything. I’m reminded of that Daniel Johnston lyric:

“How can I help but be restless
When everything is so helpless
And all of the colors seem to have
Faded away.”

I don’t know how this happened, but as a result, I would like to list ten things that make me happy. Now, I’m going to leave off my wife and kids, since that’s a given, although my family leaves me very happy. Ok, here goes:

1) The newspaper's sports page.

2) Walking on the basketball court at six in the morning.

3) Bookstores. Well, bookstores don’t leave me giddy happy, but more like calm.

4) Looking at betta fish in their tanks.

5) Gardening, although I suppose I get frustrated when gardening as well when I try to create the perfect gardening. Bad gardening habits!

6) Walking.

7) Reading late at night in bed.

8)Drinking tea and/or burning sage.

9) Watching movies.

10) Writing in the journal.

Now, I noticed that at least eight of these calm me down rather than make me very happy. I’m not sure what that means. More later.

Today has been a good day despite an aligning of events that did not work in our favor. These events were, as follows:

1) The kids off from school for Good Friday.
2) Cold temperatures and blustery winds.
3) The neighbors mostly out of town.

Now, you combine the above three on a bad day, and you’ve got the kids fighting all
day long. However, today went pretty well. I skipped basketball, having downed some melatonin last night, late, and falling asleep near eleven. This morning I let the “Live At Town Hall” DVD run in the player while I cleaned the first floor. I also loaded a ton of music onto my Mp3 player. The boys played video games through most of the morning. At about noon we turned off the video games. T, S, and I played football in the backyard, but we didn’t last long with the cold weather and potential for conflict. I read some Murakami on the couch and watched yesterday’s Thursday night lineup. The boys played upstairs with their action figures for a solid two hours. Amazing. The only downside…the first floor toilet clogged and I lost a very frustrating hour working on that fucker. My stomach, also, is killing me. I don’t know what I ate, but it’s burning a hole in my stomach.
I guess that I’m feeling my way through different moods today. This is a good thing. Easter. Rebirth. More later.

M and the boys are asleep, and I’m hoping I can sleep soon, but I’m not especially hopeful. This weekend looks large and dangerous. Tomorrow’s high temperature is only twenty-eight, a scenario more conducive to Christmas vacation than spring break. We talked about driving down to Chicago, but we did the waterpark last week, and the kids and I barely survived, so we should probably take this weekend a bit easier. However, if we only hang around the house, the kids will either play video games for seventeen hours in a row or inflict bodily harm on each other approximately every twenty minutes. We can’t win. Maybe we can take them to a film or whatever, but I’ll feel guilty about dropping all the cash. Hm. I suppose there are worse scenarios, of course, but I hate when weekends are a drag.
Hope emerged today. I skipped basketball and hit the coffee shop by 8:15AM or so. I revised chapters one and three of the dissertation. Both look like they’re in decent shape, and I’ll hand them back to my advisor at a Tuesday meeting. Chapter two is a bit trickier. I have to read through her notes again if I want to make progress this weekend. I’m torn on how to spend my time the next three days. On one hand, if I haul ass on the writing I could probably hand in a draft of chapter two as well on Tuesday. On the other hand M and the kids leave for Florida Wednesday, so I’ll have Thursday to work through chapter two’s revisions. I don’t know. I don’t think I want to work on the paper at home, though. The kids become too confused by my working at the dining room table when they want to hang out. If I can sneak out for an hour or two, I’ll think about it. Maybe not. Monday already looks like a motherfucker. I need to grade papers in the morning, hit the office in the afternoon, and teach all night. Tuesday is only a little better. Wednesday morning M and the kids leave. I’m resenting the dissertation today, although I’m happy with my progress. I guess I just don’t see how the dissertation has made me a smarter or wiser person. I would have been better served by reading on my own. You know how it is.

Ten Bullet Post…here we go…

* I feel fat about seventeen hours of every day lately. I need to eat better. My stomach churns a lot. Stupid diet coke.

* I haven’t meditated regularly, either. Tomorrow! I swear! I need it.

* A few minutes ago I finished a re-reading of Klosterman’s “Killing Yourself to Live”. I liked the book better the second time around. I’m skipping around through Ha Jin and Murikami’s short stories. I’m tempted to pick up another of the Murikami novels.

* finished watching the documentary on eastern philosophy. I’m glad I watched the film, but I’m still not sure I could explain Shinto or Confucianism very well.

* Last Monday I stopped at a Barnes on Noble, on my wake to teach, and read the first twenty pages of Nietzsche’s “Thus Spake Zarathustra”. I hadn’t picked up Nietzsche since I was a college student, and everyone knows a college student reading Nietzsche is wasting his time and trying to look cool. On Monday, though, I found the book fascinating. I’d rather read Nietzsche then work on my dissertation.

* Maybe tomorrow I’ll clean something or cook something new. I always feel better when I do one or the other.

* M received an email from a fairly large national magazine expressing some interest in publishing one or more of her scavenger hunts. Wow…good for her.

* Today I bought new headphones for my mp3 player. They felt like a decadent extravagance, but they’re way more comfortable than the tiny ear-headphones, and I’m thinking Italy when I make a purchase of this nature.

* Speaking of Italy, my birth certificate finally arrived. Forty bucks! I can’t believe I paid that much to prove I’m alive. Again, I’m trying to frame this as a very small fee I can pay to facilitate an otherwise free trip to Italy. Thank God we’re not totally broke.

* M is snoring as we speak. I hope I can get some sleep tonight. Melatonin, anyone?

I’m writing later on a Tuesday evening. This is my first April entry. The last four days have been exhausting. On Saturday afternoon we took the boys up to a waterpark in Sheboygan to hook up with my sister and her kids. I don’t know if I was looking forward to more of a mellow weekend, starting spring break, but I was exhausted. Plus, I hadn’t slept well Friday night, and a lack of sleep combined with too much activity inevitably sends me down the path towards exhaustion and depression. Steve (my brother in law) and I managed to sequester ourselves in another room and watch the NCAA tournament for a while. That night I slept on the floor, badly, leading to a second night of questionable sleep. T woke up by 5:30AM or so Sunday morning. He and I hung out in the lobby for an hour before dawn. We had the space to ourselves, and we spent some time on the balcony, despite the cold, watching the sun rise and listening to the waves. Later, after the kids woke, we returned to the waterpark. I nearly had a meltdown, as I wanted to go home, but I waited for a couple hours until we all left more or less together. Later I took Steve and my sister to Cabela’s, returned home, said goodbye, and collapsed. Oh, here’s a video of N running into a guy in the waterpark. Pretty funny:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=81E_ZsD0K-I

On Monday I had to take a stress test/ultrasound related to the emergency room visit. I felt like I was wasting the staffs’ time and running up my insurance. One guy gave my heart an ultrasound, then I ran on a treadmill (fourteen minutes, the last minute or so was a motherfucker), then I jumped off and the guy did another ultrasound. The doctor was interesting. He and the other guys in the room chatted about the Brewers opening day and looked more or less bored. They all knew there was nothing wrong with my heart. Well, apparently there is minor damage to a wall, which indicates I should lose weight, but that’s not serious, I guess. After the doctor’s office I hit work for a few hours. I answered email and planned for next week. I’d like to stay out of the office for the duration of break, but I also want to write next week, so we’ll see how that scenario works itself out. If I can get a lot done on Monday and Tuesday, I should be ok. I taught in Kenosha, more or less successfully, I think, Monday night. This morning I drove down to Inverness to see Dan. I hadn’t eaten much the last few days, and I ran into a mad sugar level meltdown in the car on the way to a used CD store. I had to run into a supermarket and buy some chocolate, or I might have fainted. The chocolate tasted gross, though. I bought some books, probably too many, at a half-priced bookstore near Dan’s house. We exchanged CDs, etc., and I drove home, arriving in the garage by four. Some work drama emerged on the computer, but nothing serious, and I’m practicing avoiding the pattern of getting too caught up in that bullshit over break. The boys and I played football for a while in the backyard. We watched some of the Brewers’ second game on television, I told them a story before bed, and here I am. Tomorrow is wide open. I feel badly that M doesn’t have too many wide open days. Good night.

Ok, hold on, another quick post. I quickly looked up dream interpretation dictionaries on google, and I read two interpretations of “otter” and “ferret”. Here are the two “otter” ones:

Otter: To see otters in your dream, symbolizes happiness and good fortune. You will find ideal enjoyment or unusual tenderness with your loved one.

OTTER
Awaken the inner child, be playful
Sharing the bounty of life with others
Beware of worrying too much

Here are the two “ferret” ones:

Ferret: To see a ferret in your dream, symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching.

FERRET
What do I know and feel about ferrets?
Am I 'ferreting out' information about something?
Does it imply inquisitiveness?
Is this about someone being sexually annoying or demanding?

Ok, before I go on, these are the two sites I accessed:

http://www.easy-dream-interpretation.com/

http://dreammoods.com/


Both sites are a bit heavy with the new age crap (moons and whatever), but I find the fact that ferrets and otters are even listed interesting. Now, I think the animal in the dream was physically more like a ferret, but for some reason “river otter” kept popping into my head. I think river otters are more dangerous, but this animal was the size of a ferret. The ferret interpretations fit where I am a bit more. I don’t mind the somewhat contradictory elements of the interpretative possibilities. I don’t imagine dream interpretation is easy, and I doubt one animal symbolizes the same thing all the time. I want to think about this. More later.

I woke thirty minutes ago from a strange dream, a dream that will keep me from sleep for a while, and I must write it down before I forget. Shadow, Cleo (the smaller of my two cats, blind) and I were sleeping on a sort of raised roof, and a ferret/river otter (I’m not sure which) slept near us, close enough to touch us. The pastor of my church was there, talking in her usual Xanax cheery way (that’s mean, and I like her, but I’m sure you understand) about that “darn little critter and all I’m asking is that he move over a bit and not wreck the new addition”. I was alarmed for my animals’ safety, so I moved them off the roof, but the ferret/river otter followed us and somehow Cleo lost half her paw. This didn’t seem to hurt her, though. Then I woke. I’ll be up for a while. However, as soon as I woke I realized the snake in the dream from a couple days back probably symbolized some element of my sexuality. Duh. Whack me over the head with it.
Let me talk about the Xanax comment a bit. I don’t like overtly optimistic people at all, if the optimism seems to be covering for an unwillingness to face problems head on. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be such an asshole, though. There’s no good reason for hate to possess me in these scenarios. I think they go back to my mother, now that I think about it, and her desire to smooth everything over and pretend everything is alright. I feel a responsibility to bring things out on the table because I spent a lot of time with people telling me not to speak about what was wrong, how to keep my mouth shut and it will just go away, all of that. Hm. I need to think about this more, but I think I’m onto something. Good night. Maybe I’ll listen to Magnetic Fields for a while in the dark. I need to walk/run tomorrow. My body is totally out of sync.