I’m up early, just after three, for the first time in a while. I can’t say that I’m exhausted, or that I’m surprised, as I had a hard time falling asleep last night and had slept well, probably too well, the night before. This weekend was more or less fine. On Friday I worked at home until the early afternoon before driving into work for an Italy meeting. The gathering was incredibly painful. First, I couldn’t hear, still, and second, my stomach was somersaulting, and I had no idea if anyone could hear it, etc., and I became quite tense and self-conscious. Plus, well, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t travel well, and I don’t do well with a ton of people in social scenarios, and what the hell is this trip but ten days around people I don’t know very well? Why on earth did I sign up? I’m hoping I can find one or two allies and leech on them for the duration of the trip. I’m reminded of my semester at Illinois State where, in retrospect, I latched onto a Math major named Brian out of pure loneliness and depression. He let me sit with him at lunch, introduced me to his friends, and actually took me to a party. Thanks for your patience, wherever you are, Brian. You were good to me.
After cutting out of the meeting, tearing the hell out of the door, really, I stopped at UCN to see M and the kids. They were attending an earth day celebration consisting mostly of babysitting, from what I can tell, of the younger kids while their parents watched the Al Gore movie upstairs. When I arrived T was on his own, making thank you cards for teachers, so he and I hung out while S and N painted bowls or something. I’m glad I stopped by the event. I hadn’t been at UCN for a long time, and at least they didn’t run me out of the door. After I reached home I inhaled some pizza and tried to figure out who was standing on the corner of our block. A slew of neighbors were out, socializing, and I’m sure I could have hung out, but I wasn’t in the mood. I helped the boys get to sleep, once they reached home, while M went over to the neighbors’.
We hit the zoo Saturday morning. The weather was gorgeous, the first warm, bright Saturday, so the space grew crowded early. Still, we had fun. We did the circuit backwards, starting with the big cats and working through to the birds. This crazy zoo worker yelled at the kids for getting too close to some of the plants in the bird house. I was ready to retaliate, but you know, that sort of thing isn’t worth it. We took Lake Shore Drive home, so N could nap, and I was exhausted by the time we hit the front door. T whacked me in the ass, and I had to lean on him in front of a neighbor. I could feel my ire rise. I eventually decompressed and napped badly on the couch. Later I read Murakami and fell asleep early.
Yesterday my mom visited. She was less offensive than usual, anyway, and I put together the mini-greenhouse where T and I can grow herbs for the summer. He and I also drove to the hardware store for sage and catnip seeds. Nothing too complicated, thank you very much. I suppose I could have worked in the yard, but I decided against it. Spring is still young. Later I met the boys over on the bike path where they were engaged in pulling garlic mustard as part of an earth day activity. I didn’t hang around long. I was feeling physically out of sorts, discombobulated, so I decided to go for a run upon my return. The run was a disaster. I couldn’t get fifty yards without stopping. I ran directly into the wind, though, a strong southern wind, which I’m sure didn’t help, and afternoon isn’t a good time for me to run, anyway. I’ll try again this morning. Later Alec, one of the neighbors, and the boys cruised youtube for skateboarding videos while I watched television and occasionally checked on them to make sure they weren’t downloading anything obscene.
Ok, I’ve been somewhat obsessively reading Murakami’s “Wind-Up Bird Chronicle”. You know how I’ve said that the right books will find you at the right time? Well, I’m not sure if I’m totally full of shit when I say that, but it’s fun to say, and I can assert that this book has found me at the right time of my life. I’ll hit stretches while reading where I find myself marking every other page as brilliant. The entire idea of sitting at the bottom of a well so you can think is stunning. I understand the sentiment. I also connect well to the idea of realities connected to realities connected to dreams and the path to one’s true self. I’m loving this book, and I’m only halfway finished.
I say this book found me at the right time because of identity issues that I’m addressing, no, living, at the moment. These are not dire straits, if you will, but I believe the transformation will be important. I am starting to separate, socially and personally, from work. I don’t trust many people with whom I work, I’m getting to the point where I just want to make my money and get out, and I think I’m making a healthy decision. The mire will not pull me down. I am almost violently dedicated to completing my dissertation; I just want the project finished so I can go onto other, more important projects such as reading Homer and working in my garden. Some of my colleagues may be confused and/or offended by this pattern, but I don’t care that much. I always worry about money, of course, but I’m hoping that my mutual funds hold up and my two masters and a doctorate mean I can get a job somewhere, you know what I mean? I am so tired after the last few years, and I’m looking forward to rebirth. For some reason fear always emerges, fear of not being able to take care of my family, fear of retirement (twenty plus years away!), fear of my kids getting hurt. I’m not sure why, physically and mentally, I work on that level of stress. I think my body has grown accustomed to the pattern and perhaps creates stress on its own. I also think that, when I’m content, I want to hold onto it so tightly that I grow terrified of the state disappearing. I don’t know. I’m getting better, though. Meditation helps. Reading helps. I find myself looking forward to two weeks at Chautauqua, a real vacation, in August. I find myself working at home more often. I’ve done my time (maybe I’m just trying to convince myself). I find myself more healthy, mentally, habitually, although I still need to lose about thirty pounds (at least). More later. I hope I’m on the cusp of something good, although I doubt many people on the outside would understand I’m going through one of the most important transformative periods of my life.