Today was vasectomy day! I’m sitting in my rocking chair, a little after 9PM, listening to Tortoise’s “It’s All Around You” and periodically checking the Brewers’ score online.

Let me start at the beginning. This morning I woke, slightly hung over, as I had my first two beers since Memorial Day last night. I figured I should have a beer or two in case I died today. Anyway, after I woke I drank a lot of water, lifted weights, and knocked out thirty minutes on the elliptical. I showered, ate breakfast, and put some laundry in the washing machine. The grass is long, and I had loosely planned on cutting it this morning, but I wasn’t in the mood so instead I cleaned the first floor (who wants to recover from a vasectomy in a dirty house?) and ran errands. I picked up books and movies from the library and got my oil changed. When I returned home I ate lunch (egg sandwich), read the Friday papers, and finished, folded, and put away my clothes. Maura returned home at 12:45 and we were off…I didn’t want to be late to the doctor’s office.

We had to wait a few minutes after we arrived at the office. Apparently the doctor was running late due to some problems at the hospital. About twenty minutes after my scheduled appointed a nurse ushered me into a small room, checked my blood pressure, and asked me the usual nurse questions (are you allergic to anything?, etc.). After she left I weighed myself on the examination room scale (pleasantly surprised) and closed my eyes. The nurse returned with two pills, vicadon (sp?) and oxycotin (sp again?). She said they were to reduce any anxiety. Hell, I’ve never taken either medication before, and what the hell, they sound fun, so I downed both pills and moved to the procedure room. The nurse told me to strip from the waste down and left. I followed the directions and sat on the bed in one of those paper examination robes and tried to figure out if the medication was working. I found the manner in which the central air breeze rustled the curtain mildly interesting so I assumed we were ready to go. The doctor entered, apologized for the delay, and got to work. He shaved, uh, the important area and asked me questions about sports, e.g. the Brewers and the Brett Farve retirement controversy. I think he was trying to relax and distract me and while I don’t mind talking baseball I’m sick of Brett Farve talk. He put all sorts of disinfectants on the area as well, ordered me not to touch anything, and left to find the nurses. Yes, apparently I need a trio for my procedure. This surprised me.

Once the trio were in position they wasted no time getting to work. The doctor said the first stage, injecting me with a local anesthetic, might be “a little rough”. I guess the shot hurt a little but not too badly. The nurses and doctors talked about their difficulties associated with procuring Brewers tickets, whether or not Bears’ fans tailgate in Chicago, and something about another patient’s “sensitivities”. I stared at the ceiling and closed my eyes. I could feel little tugs every now and then but nothing too bad. However, after a couple minutes I smelled something burning and asked what was on fire. Apparently I was. The doctor said he had just cauterized the ends of the tubes he cut. So I smelled myself burning. That woke me up. The doctor then said he was in the “second quarter” and added “the first and third quarters are the worst”. After a couple minutes I figured out he meant that each testicle comprised “half” of the procedure and he divided each half into two quarters. The first quarter of each half was the shot of anesthesia and the second quarter was the procedure. The second half was a little worst then the first. I’m not sure why. Time got all weird. I wonder if the drugs messed with my sense of chronology.

I forgot to mention the nurses hanged a screen up so I couldn’t see what they were doing. This was probably for the best. When they were done the nurses took down the screen and I saw all sorts of clippers and scissors on the table in a little silver bowl. Yikes. The doctor slid what can be best described as a cross between a jock strap and a sumo wrestler’s uniform onto my legs and stuffed my crotch with gauze. I felt like I either wearing a codpiece of stuffing my shorts to make my package look bigger. He called my wife into the room and ran down the post-procedure information. I asked when I could work out again and he said to wait until next weekend unless I wanted “swelling and bleeding.” I think I’ll wait, thank you very much. He prescribed Tylenol with codeine, told me not to drink alcohol, and sent us on our way. I felt pretty good, I said, and he said, “yeah, that’s what they all say, but wait until the drugs wear off.”

I hit the couch as soon as we got home and turned on “The Bank Job.” My wife went out to get the kids and run errands. I watched the movie and put some ice on my crotch (another doctor’s order). I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to put the ice in the gauze or inside of it so I did a little of both. The ice didn’t help much, honestly, so I think I did something wrong. I guess I wasn’t in gut wrenching pain but I wasn’t exactly comfortable. The movie was ok, typical bank robbery thing, and before long my family returned with a vegetarian sub and prescription drugs. I took some of both and settled back on the couch to watch “Goodfellas”. The boys were mildly curious as to why I had an ice pack between my legs. I told them the doctor told me to do so because he had to check me out with his scalpel today. I wasn’t ready to explain the whole sperm thing yet. Not today. Maybe later. I drank a couple diet cokes (yes, I know, bad for me) and watched the movie until the Brewers game started. After a while I grew sick of television and chatted with the kids about their days and next week’s plans. I pulled the gauze out, as I felt like the gauze was causing me more pain that anything, and I feel a bit better now. Really, I feel ok. I’m tempted to work out soon but all that swelling and bleeding talk is still in the back of my mind. Oh, I also took a couple Tylenol and codeine pills over the course of the evening, so please excuse any typos.

Any vasectomy questions, let me know. I am now experienced in the area.